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Carefully Crafted

Thursday, November 20, 2014

For months now I have been advised to censor, and carefully craft, my writings.

Tonight, however, thoughts spilling from my mind shall be written and, with luck, cathartic.

Fifty two years of audio is trampling through my throbbing temples, and tears flow in the attempt to reform negative, and controlling, rhetoric into positive affirmations.

I feel divided, my inner most core tells me one thing, my mind and heart another.

How can I explain to others in a way they can understand, when I, myself, didn't know what was happening for what seemed a lifetime, was a lifetime?

Over the last few years of soul searching I thought I knew what I was running from, running to.

People through those years witnessed, and were very aware, of the situation I was facing, and why I ran. I thought I knew and repeatedly refused to listen to their words of knowledge.

They all tried to coax me to see the reality of the place, so dark, in which I had lived. I rebutted their wisdom, and ran with what I thought to be the truth.

Finally, this summer, the words they had spoken, time after time, were illuminated, and my eyes, my heart, were opened, and to myself I admitted the unthinkable.

I was surprised each, and every, time person after person approached me with the same words that others before had desperately tried to get me to embrace.

It was then I realized, I wasn't running from me, but from something entirely different. It was then my spirit lightened, and felt it could fly free. Everything made sense.

It was then I felt as though I could breathe, and be myself.

Unfortunately decades of indoctrination are difficult to throw away, even though I now admit what others had seen is true, the effects of a lifetime come in waves.

A rock had been thrown into the pond, everyone wanted to see as still, causing the water to ripple, it will take time for those effects to slow, and for the water to once again calm.

Most days I'm able to cope, to see the brightness that lies ahead, other days, like now, the shades are once again drawn, as words of unworthiness, and flashes of bruises, replay in my mind, and make me doubt the reasons for my existence.

One thing I have learned, that I've always known, is that I have a spirit that is tenacious, and a will that can overcome the darkness of the past.



Sunday, November 16, 2014

The night was so dark, cold, and isolating.

She longed for the shivering to end, and numbness slowly set in.

Over the years only a handful knew the depth of her pain and understood her desire to flee. 

Still entrapped by the talons that brought the isolation, she had grown used to the emptiness that had taken over.

It took years for the time to come when she was able to make the initial step of taking the night and embracing it.

She surrounded her soul with its solitude and blackness.

It was then she found the isolation was warm, much like the softness of velvet, and the petals of a black rose.  

Once she was enveloped by the cozy feeling of isolation, wrapped, and comforted, she turned and saw stars shining brightly; stars that would light her path. 

It was to those shimmering beams, and the hope they brought, she was drawn.

The twinkling lights in the night, that she followed, slowly turned night into the dawn of a new day.

Her stagnant, and mildewed existence, was replaced by a fresh breeze and the brightness of her future to which the stars were calling her to.

Though she is still in the process of clipping the grip of talons that held her spirit captive for so long, she knows a bright, new, world awaits, and the tight petals of the black rose will open into beautiful colors long since extinct.



Ain't No Grave

Thursday, November 13, 2014


Shimmering Threads of Gold

Saturday, November 8, 2014

In years past, a spider carefully spun a web of shimmering threads of the most fine of fools gold. The web was captivating, engaging, and gave the appearance of safety, and solace, to unknowing souls.

Years later souls that confused the web, carefully crafted with false beauty, were drawn to the fabulously fabricated trap that would entangle not only their bodies, but minds, souls, and spirits.

The allure, the spider maliciously created, drew those whose hearts were easily swayed by the spider's charisma, and false appearance of security and stability. They knew not the intentions of their entrapment, and inevitable demise of their inner most beings, and their still forming minds.

They, themselves, were wound tightly in the web of deceit that was meant for the destruction of another.

Although the one the beauty, and falsehoods, had originally been meant for had been entwined, and held captive for years, it finally found an area, a flaw in the web, through which it could make its escape from the snarled web of destruction.

With its escape it looked back and shed tears for those still under the spell of the spider's charisma and stronghold. The freed captive wasn't actually free at all with the others that continued to be stuck in the midst of the mirage initiated for the one that had once been enslaved.

The heart of the "freed" captive remained with those that chose to remain blinded by the seductiveness of the subtle trickery of the one that sought total control over the one that got away.

There will come a day when those still entrapped will, themselves, be freed. When that day comes, the original captive will rejoice, and life will begin once more for all.


Beneath The Cat

Monday, November 3, 2014

Beneath a stuffed cat, in a box tucked out of sight, I caught a glimpse of neatly folded, thin, yellowed paper. I held my breath as memories of years before came rushing forth.

Few would recognize what the crisply wrapped, filmy paper enveloped; however, I instantly knew its contents.

Its prisoner once held the power to transmit my emotional pain into an ethereal peace that cannot be described by written word, only felt by the souls, and the spirits, of those that share the knowledge of its transcending powers.

In my mind I was able to clearly visualize the sharpened edges, to feel the cold steal against my skin, and to remember my resolve to overcome the torment the blade represented. 

There was a time when I allowed free flowing, ruby colored, ribbons to run haphazardly down my arm. I vividly remembered how observing their individual paths flooded my mind with tranquility, and allowed my focus to shift, granting the emotional torment to dull for a time, enabling me to re-charge for the next inevitable storm.

Carefully, slowly, I picked up the stuffed feline. I saw dozens more of the razor containing envelopes. I had stored them to aid in the release from the mental pain I knew would soon come, in actuality, it never left.

I removed the contents of the box, all but the objects of my memories. I stood, cardboard box in hand, and determinedly walked to the garbage can.

I watched as the symbols, of what had once held me captive, slowly tumbled into the container. As each one fell into the abyss, I felt pieces of my once tattered soul return. The instant they had all been discarded,  I knew I would once again become whole.


Dear John

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Dear John,

I love you. You've brought so much laughter and joy into my life since I met you. I hate to see you go, but the opportunity is too great for you to pass up.

Last night I went to the Goodbye Party for a member of our cast, John.

John's not only a member of the cast for our upcoming series, (that may, or may not, have something to do with a Biker Diva, Harleys, people, and journeys of many types) but he's also a dear friend.

I love getting texts from him. They always start out with, "Hey Blondie!!" I've never seen him any way but happy and smiling.

Last night was bittersweet. Knowing he's moving so far away is not something I like much, but I know we'll always be friends, and we will see him again. His happiness is the most important thing to me. No matter where life may lead him, he'll always be a part of our team.

Here's a bit of the fun with all the gang last night.

Ran into Brad, one of the guys that sold me my first Harley

Intense interrogation!

Lunch after our first shoot
I'll miss you John!



The Bipolar Diva: The Prayer Brought To Life

Sunday, October 12, 2014

The Bipolar Diva: The Prayer Brought To Life: I find it comforting, although through torrents of tears, how people that have made the choice to see through veiled eyes, that have yelled,...

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