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Waiting Wolves

Saturday, September 13, 2014

They wait with the frothing mouths of wolves, blood staining their teeth, watching my every word with the intention of plotting my demise.

Every word I type is being taken as a word of implication, of participation, and confession.
My thoughts run rampant, but are not allowed to be shared, even though they have nothing to do with the situation at hand.

The words I type are tangled, and twisted, into meanings not intended, and used to impale my character, and to control me from afar.

My thoughts have no where to be land without spying, scrutiny, and surveillance.

Innocent ideas, tribulations, and feelings, cannot flow as before. Each written word, by myself, or others, only feeds into the craving of blood to be misconstrued by others with darkness covering their eyes, and falsehoods hindering their hearts.

The processing, the therapy, the encouragement, I once used this site for, have been interrupted.

I've written tongue in cheek for years, and currently, those posts are now stained with crimson droplets of blood that have fallen onto them from the sharpened fangs of those seeking what they call, "evidence."

One day, hopefully soon, the relentless frothing, hunting, and stalking will stop, and my life, my writing, will once more be seen for what it is, innocent thoughts, humorous posts, and even looks into my soul for answers, but, for now, that cannot happen. Wolves are at the door.

These words, of course, are only my opinions, not to be taken literally. They do not portray any individual, entity, or group.  

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Behind The Dark Side Of The Moon

Thursday, September 4, 2014

It's been awhile, I know. Sometimes life gets in the way. Our passions must be set aside, and we have to ride the waves we encounter. We are pushed into survival mode, trying to stay afloat, gasping for air, as the under current does its best to pull us into a depth of which we cannot be rescued. While in that mode, tunnel vision prevails, and peripheral vision fades.

There are things you can change, things you can't, and things that take time for the sand to settle on the ocean floor, so that we can see though the murkiness of the thrashing waters.

Personally, things have been up and down, good and bad. However, it's in those times that are difficult, true friends, and family, are revealed. New relationships are formed, and toxic ones severed.

I've been amazed, and confused, by the number of people that have come up to me and told me things I didn't, couldn't, see until recently.

The first person totally took me by surprise. She was not really a friend, but an acquaintance, that has known me for several years. I've always loved her. She's beautiful, intelligent, honest, and obviously observant.

About two weeks ago I ran into her for the first time in ages. What she had to say to me was so unexpected that I could only stare at her in amazement. She was spot on. I asked her how she knew. She said she had watched me for years, and she saw through my bubbly, outgoing self, and deep into my reactions in certain situations. She said she recognized herself, in what she saw, years before. I think about her words, and discernment, everyday.  Now we have a bond, a trust, an understanding, that cannot be broken.

She was the tip of the iceberg. As things leaked out, through sources unknown, others followed suit, all with the same perspective. All have known me for years, and all had seen things I didn't want to admit to myself, until recently.

As they explained how they felt during their personal situations, they described my life, my actions, my feelings, in ways that awakened me, and validated what I had hidden deep within my soul all along.

Then more, although not having been through my situation personally, saw signs, actions, and reactions. They weren't in the murky waters, they clearly saw the grip of the under current I was in.

At first I felt incredibly foolish for not recognizing it myself, then the more I thought, the more I searched, the more clarity I gained. There was no way I could see it, I felt something, but I wasn't sure what it was. I didn't know where the core of the feelings came from. As I look back, everything makes more sense, the pieces of the puzzle have fallen into place.

Recent events have only magnified the reality of what I was told, things I have learned, actions I had taken, and the physical, and emotional scars that remain. 

Today, out of the blue, I received a message. At first I was afraid to read it, but I did. It was when I got to the second sentence, I lost all attempts of composure. I read the message time, and time again. With each reading, the tears fell more heavily, and soon turned into that cry. You know the one, the one where you can't catch your breath, you can't speak, and you shake uncontrollably. All of the tightly bound emotion was released, and continued throughout the day.

Relief flooded my spirit, and my soul. Instead of defending, and fighting, for myself, another person was behind me, fighting for me, defending me, pulling me out of the depths of the swirling water that was swallowing me, and was doing so vigorously. 

The revelation has been bittersweet. There are people I dearly, unconditionally, love that have been pulled into the murkiness of the water I had been fighting. I can fully understand their mindset, it's the same I had when the waters had swallowed me. One day they will emerge, the dirtied water will be clear, and they will be stronger for what they are unknowingly being pulled into.

In the depths of night, on the shores of a vast ocean, only the dark side of the moon had been seen, but when the time was right, light fell upon the heavenly sphere, and the brightness of that light was reflected on the settled sand, illuminating paths not before seen.



Lovingly,

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And Then There Was Light

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

I haven't written much lately, and a lot of what I have written about, with dark undertones, has been trying to come to terms with something I've been attempting to come to terms with for quite some time now.

I realized it years ago, but it wasn't until an incident several weeks ago, my eyes were opened, and all my therapist and doctor had been saying was true.

I think I may have written, at some point, that both doctors had been discussing my condition for some time, and had come to the same conclusion, that I wasn't suffering from Bipolar Disorder, but rather severe PTSD.

I didn't, however, say what they thought caused the trauma.

Yes, you all know of the tangible traumas that have happened, the deaths, the sicknesses, etc. But until now, and after speaking with Deputies, the Sheriff and a Victims Advocate specialist, they all said the same thing as my doctors have been telling me, although I was too afraid to admit it, even to  myself. Emotional, and mental abuse and control.

I'm not going to go into much detail here, because it's not respectful, or correct, for me to do so.
I will post some things I've been given, and read since speaking with these people regarding what they spoke to me about the way they see it.

  1. Humiliation, degradation, discounting, negating. judging, criticizing:
    • Does anyone make fun of you or put you down in front of others?
    • Do they tease you, use sarcasm as a way to put you down or degrade you?
    • When you complain do they say that “it was just a joke” and that you are too sensitive?
    • Do they tell you that your opinion or feelings are “wrong?”
    • Does anyone regularly ridicule, dismiss, disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, and feelings?
  2. Domination, control, and shame:
    • Do you feel that the person treats you like a child?
    • Do they constantly correct or chastise you because your behavior is “inappropriate?”
    • Do you feel you must “get permission” before going somewhere or before making even small decisions?
    • Do they control your spending?
    • Do they treat you as though you are inferior to them?
    • Do they make you feel as though they are always right?
    • Do they remind you of your shortcomings?
    • Do they belittle your accomplishments, your aspirations, your plans or even who you are?
    • Do they give disapproving, dismissive, contemptuous, or condescending looks, comments, and behavior?
  3. Accusing and blaming, trivial and unreasonable demands or expectations, denies own shortcomings:
    • Do they accuse you of something contrived in their own minds when you know it isn’t true?
    • Are they unable to laugh at themselves?
    • Are they extremely sensitive when it comes to others making fun of them or making any kind of comment that seems to show a lack of respect?
    • Do they have trouble apologizing?
    • Do they make excuses for their behavior or tend to blame others or circumstances for their mistakes?
    • Do they call you names or label you?
    • Do they blame you for their problems or unhappiness?
    • Do they continually have “boundary violations” and disrespect your valid requests?
  4. Emotional distancing and the “silent treatment,” isolation, emotional abandonment or neglect:
    • Do they use pouting, withdrawal or withholding attention or affection?
    • Do they not want to meet the basic needs or use neglect or abandonment as punishment?
    • Do they play the victim to deflect blame onto you instead of taking responsibility for their actions and attitudes?
    • Do they not notice or care how you feel?
    • Do they not show empathy or ask questions to gather information?
  5. Codependence and enmeshment:
    • Does anyone treat you not as a separate person but instead as an extension of themselves?
    • Do they not protect your personal boundaries and share information that you have not approved?
    • Do they disrespect your requests and do what they think is best for you?
    • Do they require continual contact and haven’t developed a healthy support network among their own peers?

    http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/02/20/signs-of-emotional-abuse/

    In my situation, all but a couple of these are true, and have happened numerous times over the decades. 

    And as for the victim of emotional abuse, this appears to be common, and really hit me between the eyes:

    Although there is no specific ‘type’ of person who is more likely to be abused, there are abuse victim characteristics which people in an abusive relationship tend to have in common or display. These can include
  6. Low self esteem
  7. Emotional and economic dependency
  8. Continued faith and hope abuser will "grow up"
  9. Depression
  10. Stress disorders and/or psychosomatic complaints
  11. Accepts blame and guilt for violence
  12. Socially isolated, eg avoids social interaction, never seems to be alone
  13. Believes social myths about battering
  14. Believes in stereotypical sex roles
  15. Has poor self image
  16. Contemplates or attempts suicide, or self-harms
  17. Participation in pecking-order battering
  18. Appears nervous or anxious
  19. May defend any criticism of abuser
  20. May have repeatedly left, or considered leaving the relationship
As I got further into therapy, and realized what was being said applied to my situation, I knew why I always wanted to leave, I thought it was inner demons I was fighting, my inner demons, when, in reality, it was an escape from what my doctors had been telling me.

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/abuse_victim_characteristics.html

Please, know the signs. Don't live like I have, did. Analyze, look, and listen. I was told so many times I was in denial, and many more times in the last few weeks. I've come to see that more clearly now.

I'd say that's a step in the right direction.

Seeing things in a new light, much love,


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Mucho Bizzaro, Swerves and Curves, & Shooting Glasses

Monday, July 7, 2014

It's been the strangest of times in the last few weeks, months actually. 

Things are hitting hard, fast, and coming straight out of the Twilight Zone in my life. 

It seems there has been no time to stop, breathe, and enjoy the time as it passes.

About a month, or so, ago I twice had an extremely severe, life threatening reaction to, most probably antibiotics. While I was in the hospital, I ended up pretty close to death's door. In the midst of everything, I felt a presence with me, and a nurse described a person she saw waiting, pacing, the first night I was in. The person she described was the same presence I had sensed being near.

I've thought of it through the weeks and still have no explanation, but the presence was, in my mind, what pulled me through the entire ordeal relatively quickly. It still runs through my mind, and I wonder how, and why, she saw what I felt.

Then yesterday, I awoke in an extremely foggy, distant, state of mind. As so many people, I checked my phone before I was really awake. The antihistamine I've been taking, to counter act the allergic reactions, makes waking quickly pretty difficult at times.

The first post I saw was put up by a friend, and it was in memory of my cousin that died maybe, 25-26 years ago. For some strange reason,  in the foggy state I was in, I thought he had just died, I looked at my phone and there were calls from family that I haven't heard from in months, some in years. They were all from my father's side of the family, cousins and aunts, that were connected to the man the post was about. It wasn't until several minutes later I realized he had been dead for nearly 3 decades.

After listening to the voice messages, and making calls, a cousin had died that night, one that had been named after my cousin in the post. I'm still tying to come to terms with the way the entire thing played out, and why it happened that way.

See, the presence of the person I felt as doctors were working on me, and my friend that made the post, are friends, and have been for years.

I was still confused, and shocked, so I got out on the bike to clear my mind. I knew, from the time I pushed start on my Harley, I shouldn't have been on it at all. About a half mile from where I had started, a car in front of me stopped to turn left.

I'd noticed they'd been riding the brakes, but in the forefront of my mind was the post, and the death of my cousin. Suddenly the car stopped. There was no signal they were turning, no indicator at all. As soon as I noticed they had  stopped, I reacted. My bike went left, it went right, I kept the bike up, but for some reason, I'd put my right foot down, and the impact tore up my toe, strained my ankle, and my leg up to my knee. I kept going, I had an appointment to make. My head was still foggy, and it never dawned on me to go back, get the car and continue on.

By the time I got home, my leg, foot, toe, and knee, were swollen and hurting terribly, but there was no way I was going back to the hospital. I put my leg up, kept it iced, and chilled for the remainder of the evening.

I was still sore this morning when I met a friend for coffee. She wanted to ride, I wanted to ride, we made some calls, gathered some people, and went for an incredible ride in the country. The weather was perfect, the scenery gorgeous, and for the first time in weeks, my mind was clear.





I was able to unwind, relax, laugh, and enjoy the company of incredible people. We stopped at a little place to eat and they had oyster shooters, well, this girl will never pass up oyster shooters, so all, but one of the group, ordered a few.

On the first shot my friend and I did, off flew her glasses, into the brush about 20 feet down.



She and I heard them fall, looked down and saw nothing but weeds, and the rushing creek below. We kept trying to see them, and suddenly, a guy from another table jumped over the railing, climbed down the decking, to search for them himself.

Me, being the smart ass I can be, said, "Ah, you've climbed out of many windows when you were young!"

"No ma'am, I'm just a farm boy."

Within minutes, Farm Boy found the shades, climbed up a bit to hand them to my friend, then proceeded to, what I thought was going to be a, "Hey y'all, watch this," moment. He did it though, he made his way back up without incident.

A bit of time passed, and it's uncanny how many bikers know other bikers from near and far, a group of bikers walked in that we hadn't seen in ages, some I'd never met, although we all knew the same people, and then more came in after. Stories were told, laughs were had, and for the first time in months, I felt I out from under the fog, the chaos, the stress of the proceeding months.

The release of today, hopefully, will allow me to get back on track, once more become focused, and move forward with this incredible project I'm working on!

Peace out all,

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The Man That Shaped My Life

Thursday, June 26, 2014

One year, many years ago, I made a book for my dad, most probably for Father's day.

After so many years it was difficult to come up with something meaningful, and not just a trivial trinket that would be tossed in a drawer and forgotten.

My dad was gone so much of the time we were growing up, and when he was home, sometimes it was good, sometimes not so good.

But I think because he was out of our lives for long stretches of time, memories of our times together were easier to gather from the depths of my mind than if he had been around us day to day.

I wrote of everything I could remember, good memories, bad memories, and stories he had to told me.

I remembered the time, when I was probably 12, he and I had tickets to see Willie Nelson. I was SO looking forward to it, but being a corporate pilot he was always on call. He was called to fly for the month a few days before the concert. I was crushed.

I never said anything to him about how hurt I had been, but he knew. When he finally got back home, he gave me a necklace. Of course with him being a pilot, and having no idea what to get a 12 year old girl, on the necklace hung a small jet. I treasured that necklace, but over the years it was lost, but memories of it will forever remain. 

I wrote of forging his signature on my report cards, of him making us toys. I reminded him of taking me flying and sailing, taking me out of school, and telling me never to tell mom. I wrote of him teaching me to fish, eat oysters, and to not take shit from anyone.

There was so much more. He taught us about Bilderberg, he told us of outrageous, behind the scenes stories, of rock stars and politicians.

Dad had such an exciting life, and we were always eager to hear of his tales of intrigue, true or not, they were captivating. 

I found out, after mom was killed and Dad and I spent more time together than ever before, how much that book meant to him. He told me he cried when he read it, and that he read it time and time again.

He said he cried because he was always afraid that because he was taken from us so often, due the nature of his job, we would never have memories of him. As he told me that I cried. I had no idea, something I thought would mean so little, meant so much.

On this day, June 26, 1938, Julian Park Anderson was born in Greenville, South Carolina. Today I smile, I cry, I rejoice, and I remember my father on his 75th birthday.

Taking Nikki for a spin.

Placing a rose on Mom's casket.

This was the night after we made Mom's funeral arrangements. He was totally toasted!

Dad with his first baby, me.

Hanging with two of his granddaughters.

Happy Birthday Dad. I so love you!

Cheers,

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In My Own Words......VIDEO

Thursday, June 19, 2014










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Change of Plans

Friday, June 13, 2014


I've recently been alluding to an incredible project I'm currently working on with a magnificent team.  This project will bring huge changes to my life and the lives of all involved.

We were going to announce it publicly in the very near future. However, after an executive meeting yesterday, my partner and I have come to the decision to delay the public announcement for a short time.

This project is going to be much more spectacular than we had originally planned, and we are incredibly excited. My partner and I have been intensely working on all that is involved, and we don't want to overlook even the smallest detail.

As of now, we're well under way, with so much accomplished, but we hit a bit of a snag, that actually may be a tremendous advantage in our endeavor. 

So be patient, we want this release to be perfect in every way, and are working day and night to accomplish our mission.

As of today, we're hard at work preparing our social media sites, with the intent to launch those as soon as we possibly can, and with that will come the official announcement. You know me, and I'm terribly impatient, that's where my partner is very good at bringing me back to focus on the task at hand.

I'm looking at the big picture, as is he, however, he somehow has the ability to, Lord know how, to bring me back to the here and now.

Just know, I want to take you on this journey with us, and a journey it will be.

Impatiently waiting,


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