Wednesday, August 17, 2016
I knew then I needed to delve down deeply, and search out, the good that is within me, traits that I like, that I know are good, and meditate on those which I was gifted. Gifted with may be the incorrect terminology, perhaps those I have developed through trial and error, innate qualities that are untainted and pure, and only then would I be able to move forward with my life, my happiness, and quell my fears.
I'll attempt that now, attempt to uncover what I like about myself. I'm not going to worry about things I dislike, those have controlled my life for far too long, and it is time for them to be put in the background for a period of time and seek out the good, the extraordinary, the silly, the fun, the things about myself that I, myself, like. True happiness can't be found without acknowledging, and liking, the unique characteristics that make me who I am today.
This has proven a challenging task and has taken many days to ponder, but for me to move forward with my life it is something I feel, for me, needs to be done. So let's jump in and see if I can find, and rub the dirt off of, some of those buried treasures.
The first thing that comes to mind is that I'm not afraid to stand up for myself any longer. I used to pretend I wasn't afraid to, but I was always. I do fight for what I believe to be right, and I do analyze situations now and pick and choose which to fight and which to let go. I have quite a few things I'm in the process of releasing presently.
I am very much a people person, in a sense. I say "in a sense" because even though I love people, being social, and the energy the laughter of a group brings, in reality people scare me for reasons far too emotional to go into now and that's not the point of this post anyway. Good things Teri, good things.
I love that I have my father's sense of humor. I can be very funny at times, I think so anyway which is all that really matters. I also have his intelligence, his sense of "WTF let's do it," and his heart for his passions.
I'm adventurous, I love new things, people, and places. I also love being home, in bed when it's cold and rainy, covered with blankets and watching reruns of "The Sopranos," eating popcorn and chocolate covered raisins.
I like that I can cook very well, although I don't cook nearly as often as I did when the children were home, I can cook, and bake, with the best of them.
I've come to realize that I am genuinely a good person. I want the best for those I love, whether I'm in the picture or not, I truly want them to be happy in all of their endeavors.
A new thing, in recent years, is that I've learned when to throw in the towel, when to say "enough is enough," and move forward. I don't want negativity in my life, if someone brings it into my space bubble I have the power to say "hasta la vista muchacho."
I've come to respect, and value, who I am, and I'm no longer willing to compromise my standards. I'm willing to work hard on myself to become the best I can be. I know I'll always fall short, but I'll never say, "I'm not willing to work on that." I'm eager to examine myself, and my actions, and face them head on, change what needs to be changed, apologize when I need to, to be humble, and to try to listen to understand and not to reply. I don't want to be tormented and I am more than willing to do the hard, scary, work on myself to be the very best I can be, the woman God intended for me to be.
That's enough adulting for today. I think tomorrow, after a few errands, I want to lie by the river on a blanket with my puppies, look into the blue Oregon sky, and watch whatever clouds that may float by shape shift into something magnificent.
As for now I think I'll grab my blankie, some colored markers, and decorate my iPad cover, and possibly find those hidden chocolate covered raisins.
Until we meet again,