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I Wasn't Going To But......

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

I wasn't going to address this quite yet, but I came across a meme on another site that perfectly fit what happened in my marriage. I didn't want to write of what's happening now because I know how blinded I was for so long, so I know others are too. I know there are some that know, they witnessed it first hand, we spoke of it, yet they are falling into the little compartment the meme was about, Enablers.

I want to clarify something before I continue. I am in no way "bashing" or shifting blame. I'm not running from my part of the problems in my marriage, I accept full responsibility for mistakes I made. However, after much reading, and therapy, so much makes sense now when before I was running, but I didn't really know from what.

The meme I saw said this:

"When the Narcissist's family seeks to attack your credibility to protect the Narcissist, know that they are enablers. They have been repeatedly used and manipulated by the Narcissist. Enablers protect the bad things the Narcissist has done and have the potential to blame you if the Narcissist begins to act out. He could be the most abusive person in the world, but if he has enablers it makes him feel more powerful because no one is telling him to stop."

That is the life I'm now living, and the life Victims' Assistance and other professionals told me I would most likely encounter. Do I feel my ex husband is a bad person? No, not at all. Do I believe he has a problem? Yes, yes I do, and so does my oldest daughter. How do I know she believes that? Simple, she told me many times through the years. We talked about it often.

Here are some examples I was given that speak to the characteristics of psychological abusers. I'll explain how these were, were present in my relationship.

Characteristics of Abusers

If the person you love or live with does these things, it’s time to get help:
  • Keeps track of what you are doing all the time and criticizes you for little things.
  • Constantly accuses you of being unfaithful.
  • Prevents or discourages you from seeing friends or family, or going to work or school.
  • Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs. (First of all he didn't use drugs, but he did drink. He didn't get angry, but would sit and sulk for hours.)
  • Humiliates you in front of others.
  • Threatens to hurt you or the children or pets, or does cause hurt (One example: he got angry with me on the phone before he left the state, and even though I told him I wanted to keep my poodle, he screamed to the kids while I was on the phone with him to "put her down or give her away." She was gone in the next few days.)
  • Uses or threatens to use a weapon against you. (He would clench his fists, hit the wall, etc)
  • Blames you for his/her violent outbursts. (Yes, oh yes. This is prevalent in the police reports and things some of the kids, neighbors, friends, have told me)

Characteristics of Abusers...Warning signs of potential violence:

  • Abuser pacing the floor
  • Clenching/unclenching fists
  • Facial expression (glaring)
  • Shouting/yelling
Those were all present for 27 years, but weren't as often as they were when I began pulling away and when the kids began to grow and I didn't need to care for them as much)

Abusers frequently have the following characteristics:

  • Often blow up in anger at small incidents. He or she is often easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really very angry.
  • Are excessively jealous: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser may claim that jealousy is a sign of his or her love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love. (EXTREMELY)
  • Like to isolate victim: He or she may try to cut you off from social supports, accusing the people who act as your support network of "causing trouble." (Any friend I attempted to make he hated. He had no reason he could/would give me other than "I don't like them.")
  • Have a poor self-image; are insecure. (Very much so. He had an abusive childhood followed by a marriage where his first wife and their pastor, his words, said he was too insecure and childish because he wouldn't let her engage in "friendship sex" with the pastor)
  • Blame others for their own problems.(I can't remember him ever apologizing to me. He very well may have, but I don't remember it)
  • Blame others for their own feelings and are very manipulative. An abusive person will often say "you make me mad", "you’re hurting me by not doing what I ask", or "I can’t help being angry".
  • Often are alcohol or drug abusers. (He didn't do drugs, but he did drink, and to excess many times)
  • May have a family history of violence. (Yes, very much so)
  • May be cruel to animals and/or children. (He wasn't cruel to animals that I ever saw, and I doubt highly that he would ever be, but our child with autism was severely abused. I'll go more into that at a later time)
  • May think it is okay to solve conflicts with violence. (Yep)
  • Often make threats of violence, breaking or striking objects. (Hitting, punching, the walls, banging his head into the walls, etc.)
  • Often use physical force during arguments. (Read the hospital reports. Which I find strange no one in the family has asked to see which is a huge sign they are being manipulated themselves, or know the truth and are afraid to have it confirmed)
  • Often use verbal threats such as, "I’ll slap your mouth off", "I’ll kill you," or "I’ll break your neck." Abusers may try to excuse this by saying, "everybody talks like that." (To me, his catch phrase was always, "I'm leaving!" Over and over for 27 years)
  • May hold rigid stereotypical views of the roles of men and women. The abuser may see women as inferior to men, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship. (VERY much so)
  • Are very controlling of others. (It's amazing to me how many of our sub contractors have told me of their experiences with him since they no longer are depending on him for a paycheck)
  • May act out instead of expressing themselves verbally.
  • May be quick to become involved in relationships.  Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. (We were married 6 months after we met)
  • May have unrealistic expectations. The abuser may expect his or her partner to fulfill all his or her needs. The abusive person may say, “If you love me, I’m all you need- you’re all I need". (He would tell me, "No one will EVER love you like I love you.")
  • May use "playful" force during sex, and/or may want to act out sexual fantasies in which the victim is helpless. (Yes)
  • May say things that are intentionally cruel and hurtful in order to degrade, humiliate, or run down the victim’s accomplishments. (Yes)
  • Tend to be moody and unpredictable. They may be nice one minute and the next minute explosive. Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of men who beat their partners. (Yes, to me, not with the kids. Although there are two kids he belittled A LOT (to me at least), my oldest daughter, and our autistic son)
  • May have a history of battering: the abuser may admit to hitting others in the past, but will claim the victim “asked for” it.  An abuser will beat any woman he is with; situational circumstances do not make a person abusive.
Some domestic violence is life threatening. All domestic violence is dangerous, but some abusers are more likely to kill than others and some are more likely to kill at specific times. The likelihood of homicide is greater when the following factors are present:
  1. Threats of homicide or suicide: The abuser may threaten to kill himself, the victim, the children, relatives, friends, or someone else; (He told me numerous times of how he was going to kill himself in his first marriage, and he did in ours too. In fairness, I also wanted to die)
  2. Plans for homicide or suicide: The more detailed the abuser’s plan and the more available the method, the greater the risk he will use deadly force; (Yes, he told me numerous times of how he had planned his suicide both in our marriage and in his first marriage)
  3. "Ownership" of the victim: The abuser says things like "If I can’t have you no one can" or "I would rather see you dead than have you divorce me". The abuser believes he is absolutely entitled to the obedience and loyalty of the victim; (Remember, "No one will love you like I love you? He also told me, "If you leave me I'll close the business, move in with my brother and live for free. You won't get a dime.: Wow, he did just that.)
  4. Centrality of victim to the abuser: The abuser idolizes the victim, depending heavily on him or her to organize and sustain the abuser’s life, or the abuser isolates the victim from outside supports; (You're so beautiful, I shouldn't love you this much, You're gorgeous, etc. were common phrases in our marriage)
  5. Separation violence: The abuser believes he is about to lose the victim; (Yes, and the more he believed it, the more it drove me away)
  6. Repeated calls to law enforcement: A history of violence is indicated by repeated police involvement; (Just ask my neighbors)
  7. Escalation of risk-taking: The abuser has begun to act without regard to legal or social consequences that previously constrained his violence; and
  8. Hostage taking: He is desperate enough to risk the life of innocent persons by taking hostages.  There is a very serious likelihood of the situation turning deadly. (I would be locked in our bedroom for hours upon hours. I wasn't allowed to speak, not even in therapy sessions. and he did try to kill me December 20, 2013. It's all documented.)
All of the above were present in our marriage, some more severe, some less severe, but they were all there.

As for my kids I'll tell you what the professionals have told me. Psychological abusers play victim very well, they are exceptionally good at making people feel sorry for them, continually crying to gain sympathy. They portray themselves as very honorable (in his business he was) so nothing they do could be considered wrong. It's my belief that my kids are, as my doctors have stated, under his emotional control but can't realize it because they grew up with it. They also may be afraid of his actions should they speak to me or allow him to know they associate with me. As one professional prophetically stated, "He'll target the children with whom you are the closest and do everything in his power to destroy those relationships." He has done just that.

Then I read of how the "abused" spouse reacts and it was me to a T. This post is way too long for one sitting so I'll speak of my reactions in another post. They weren't all good, but now I understand why they were there, why I reacted the way I did and made the decisions I made.

That's all for tonight folks.

Stay safe,



Monday, October 19, 2015

It was more than anything I could have imagined, certainly more that I could had ever hoped for.  The three of us rented a home, my new husband, my daughter, and me. We worked diligently to get my two year old son back where he belonged, in a family that loved him, and with his Mom and sister.

It was if every dream a little girl could have had been fulfilled. I had never known such joy, such happiness, such love. I learned to cook, quite the feat since my Mom rarely cooked, but I did it.
My kids took to their new father as ducks to water and he loved them as his own.

Looking back after 27 years I can see signs, subtle signs. I have no doubt, no doubt at all that he loved me, to this day I don't doubt that. Little things happened in the beginning, and I was as guilty as all involved, and they now make sense to me and what I've learned.

In his defense he was in an extremely difficult situation. We met just four days after he had filed for divorce from his first wife and we were married six months later. We jumped in with both feet. Neither of us, at the time, gave much thought as to the plight all of the children were in. I know I didn't.

His oldest was fifteen I think and his youngest was eleven possibly, his middle son was probably thirteen or fourteen. Those boys had just gone through hell. They had been involved in a cult, their parents had just divorced, they had no time to grieve, and here their father marries a girl just nine years older than his oldest son.

As for me, I had no clue how to deal with teenage boys, especially ones that had been through the trauma they had been through, and they did not want me in their Dad's life, they simply weren't ready for it. My kids were pretty chill with everything, they were much younger. It was hard for the boys, it was hard for my new husband, it was hard for my kids adjusting to having older brothers, and it was hard for me being so young without much life experience.

My ex-husband was in a no win situation. He felt guilty about what had happened in his prior marriage and the effects it had on his kids. He had a new, young, wife that was just learning her way in the world, and two new little kids.

There were many times he was caught between a rock and a hard place. He catered to his kids because of his guilt, and the fact of how hurt they had been, he had to take care of his new wife, adjust to not being a member of a cult, and had to go back to raising little kids. I admit it had to have been extremely hard for him.

But looking back there were signs that I would never truly be "in the circle." There would always be someone, everyone, before me. I know he doesn't see it that way, and that's fine, but that's how I felt.

Every weekend we had to go to his brother's house, we visited my parents every once in awhile. I hated it when we went to his brother's. I felt like an outsider, and I was. No one knew how to react to me, nor I to them. At the time not being able to see my parents often didn't seem that important, after all I had a new husband to learn to take are of, but it was a clue, as victims' assistance helped me realize.

Suddenly my daughter was no longer allowed to take medicine for her severe allergy attacks, she, we, just needed to have more "faith." My two year old son was "possessed" and my husband had to get the "demons" away from him. I went along with everything because that's what a wife is supposed to do, right?

He always believed his kids over me and my kids. Coming from them it was "first party," coming from me it was "third party." RED FLAG. He never believed that my kids were tormented by one of his kids, he never believed things one of his kids said to me (out of hurt, confusion, anger, etc) about "I will make sure my Dad leaves you."

Then there came a day within that first year of marriage that my parents invited me on a vacation with them, they'd never done that before and I was so excited to go. My relationship with them had been strained for many years and I was dying to repair it. Suddenly his oldest son "needed" a car. The first vacation my parents asked me to go on had to be scrapped. RED FLAG.

When no kids were involved he was good to me, very good to me. He gave me everything he thought I wanted materially, everything I wanted except the one thing I really needed, to be an equal. I saw it from the beginning, but dismissed it with starry eyes.

One of the things that I never got over and felt resentment and betrayal all those years, and still do to this day, was that we made an agreement not to go to any family if we had issues in our marriage. We would go to a neutral party. Family members have a difficult time forgiving the spouse even long after problems had been resolved. That happened. He threw our agreement out of the window, disrespected me, our agreement, and went to his brother, an action that caused friction between his brother and me for over twenty years. RED FLAG.

Another big flag was moving across the country from my family, yes we left his family as well, and I was ecstatic. I wouldn't have to go to his brother's house every weekend anymore, we would finally have our own family. It wasn't that I disliked his brother and his family, I did like them. I didn't like having to be around them exclusively, and rarely see my own family.

In the next post of my 27 year old marriage I'll begin with our move to the great Pacific Northwest.

There's a lot I'm leaving out, yes, there's a book being written for women, and men, going through what I went through, but I hope, I pray, that maybe just one person might be able to be helped by what I, and my kids, experienced.

It's been a long week and it's only Monday. So goodnight, sweet dreams, and I'll catch you soon.

Much love,



Friday, October 9, 2015


It’s been some time since I’ve been online as regularly as I have been in the past. I’ve greatly missed my writing, one of the most beneficial forms of therapy for me. However, in the midst of a bitter divorce battle and dealing with relocations, and some scary, and potentially serious, health issues, writing has been next to impossible. I can’t even keep my thoughts straight much of the time, so completing a written paragraph has been the last thing on my mind.

Tonight we watched a movie that I had seen several times before. It affected me differently than it had in the past, much deeper, more difficult to get through, and it was haunting.

What really struck a nerve with me were two questions asked by the character named Carter to the character by the name of Edward. They were sitting atop the pyramids of Egypt when Carter explained the philosophy of the Egyptians’ view of death to Edward. Upon their death they believed they would be asked two questions. The answers of which determined where they would spend eternity.

The questions I had glossed over in the past but tonight they are bouncing in my head, much like a super ball thrown in a small room by an espresso filled child. I can’t shake the thoughts; that’s usually my cue that writing is needed at that very moment.

I know I began the story of how I came to be in the position I’m now facing, but for now that will have to wait. I’m going to focus on the past, not the present and the future in this post. I’ve been thinking of the questions since Carter asked them and demanded an answer from Edward.

They are very simple, yet incredibly profound. The first, “Have you truly found joy in your life?” The second was “Have you brought joy to the lives of others.” Those questions hit me hard, especially after the last decade of my life.

As to the first question my answer is definitely yes, many times. Probably the initial moment of true joy in my life was the birth of my first daughter. I was in shock, I knew for a fact she was a boy, as my first had been. I may write of him, and his death, at some point, but now is not the time. My daughter was, is, beautiful. Her fingernails were what I first noticed. They were perfectly created; her fingers were beautiful and delicate. She was an answer to many, endless prayers, down to the color of her amazing green eyes.

I also had much joy in a marriage filled with troubles, and obstacles, problems created and bestowed by both parties, but yes, there was joy I never thought possible.  Joy also came with my children that followed, and then the most incredible blessing of all, my grandchildren. Then there was the joy I felt as I heard the news my oldest daughter’s birth defects had been fixed, she is now whole. I fell to my knees and cried with joy and relief that her pain had been minimized.

There are many more joyful things I can list, but I think it’s time to move on to the second, more difficult question. Have I brought joy into the lives of others?

I’ve had much self-doubt my entire life. To even think of that question, and the answer, was as an arrow that instantly pierced my soul. The doubts of my worth, seeds sown from a young age, took hold and I couldn’t answer at first.

Then I looked into the eyes of my son. They were twinkling, and he was smiling at me. Although my past wants to beat me down, destroy any self-esteem I have left, I know better.

Yes, I’ve brought joy to many, my parents, my ex-husband, my children, and more. It took me a while to be able to admit to myself that I actually did bring them all joy at one time or another. Yes, there were many painful times, pain I caused, pain others caused, troubles of life, and an overwhelmed mom dealing with a genetic disorder and a troubled marriage. Even with the difficulties encountered I can honestly say that I did bring joy into the lives of others.

I can smile, that’s nothing anyone can take from me, or deny if they choose to look into their hearts openly.

I’m not a bad person. I’m not an evil person. I am human, as are we all. We’ve all brought joy, and felt joy. We’ve all caused pain, and endured pain. But joy, yes, I can definitely say that my answer to both questions is yes, an echoing yes.  One thing I most certainly have chosen for my future is to focus more on bringing, spreading, and realizing true joy. Upon my death I will rest easily knowing the answers to both questions regarding me are yes, a resounding yes.


Hidden Treasures

Monday, September 21, 2015


One never knows what they’ll find when they open an old taped up box, a stuck drawer, or even looking through thousands of pictures stored on external hard drives.

I’ve not been well recently and have been lying in bed for the majority of a couple of weeks. Most of that time sleeping, however, yesterday I only slept 13 hours so possibly things are on the upswing?

Boredom skips hand in hand with lying in bed so those are things I did, besides beginning the Sopranos again.

I opened a box filled with framed family pictures, photo books and cards. The first item I came across was a sterling silver book with pictures of my tiny angel grandson, Isaiah, when he was alive.

The invitation to his shower was in there as well as the handout for his memorial service. There are pictures of him awake and beautiful before we knew he was sick, and many, many more after we found out how sick he was.

I’d forgotten how much hair he had. He looked as if he had a black knitted cap on his tiny head, but it was beautiful baby hair, a lock of which I have with me still. He was such a gorgeous baby, and my daughter was so incredibly beautiful in the pictures staring into the eyes of her second child. It was hard to look at, but comforting all the same.

On the hard drives I found lots of photos of my mother with my grandson Jakob. She loved him so much. He had such a mischievous smile in each picture and a head full of dirty blonde curls.

I found files and files of both Karli and Michelle’s weddings. One of my favorite pictures is one with Karli sitting on a barstool watching my mom make meatballs for the wedding. We were all exhausted, but my mom kept working into the night before the wedding.

Then I came upon pictures of my mother’s funeral, my dad, my brothers, and of my last goodbyes to Mom.

Finding pictures of my mom, and of Isaiah, that I didn’t know I had, was one of the best gifts I could have received. After writing this I think I’m going to start in on the other hard drives waiting to be explored and see what hidden treasures I find. 



True Colors

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Yes, I've been pretty sick and haven't been able to write as I'd like to. There are stories that need to be finished. However we have a problem here with some shriveled, bitter hearts that show the world who, and what, you're all about.

It's pretty pathetic, and petty, to block your little brother on FB just because you have a problem with his mother. It's not like I can see a damn thing you post. You're all blocked....and I'M the one with the problem? YOU call yourselves Christians and block your brother? you made him feel like shit. Grow the hell up Karli, Nikki, Jeremiah, Cole, and whomever else blocked the kid. True colors, true colors....and just who has the problem? You do.



It May Be

Thursday, September 17, 2015

It'll probably be awhile until I'm able to write again.

I'll spare you the details, but I will say my son has been taking very good care of me in this most recent situation, and I'm sure he will continue to do so.

Be in touch when I'm able.

I love you guys,



It Is What It Is

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

I might be gone for awhile, not really sure.

I've been pretty sick for sometime now. We've been trying to figure it out.

Too tired to get out of bed. Sleeping 18-20 hours a day is BS.

No feeling in one foot and loss of feeling in the other.

Losing weight again.

Can't think, can't pee, can't walk straight, can't breathe, my back is killing me.

They drew labs again yesterday and filled me with meds.

Next step is getting another MRI scheduled.

Kidney function isn't good and if the one is bad it has to go.

Labs from yesterday should be in tomorrow.

Labs a couple of weeks ago showed some normal readings, but some not so good. 

Tired of being sick, tired of continual labs and tests and tired or worrying what the hell is going on.


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