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What I Saw Changed My Day

Thursday, September 21, 2017

As with every morning, upon awaking, I staggered into the kitchen to grab a bit of java. As I did so this morning I noticed my husband's bible was left open so I was curious as to how he began his day.

I know he always begins with reading, but for some reason I was drawn to his choice this morning and in doing so it changed my reading pattern for the day and I am so thankful it did.

Since our God led us to reunification, please understand I refuse to attempt to sway you to my beliefs so know that is not my intention only an expression of my feelings, but since our reunification we have been met with several challenges. Some expected, some surprises, but all that has come against us with negativity we have chosen to cut from our lives for the time being.

We are in a new phase of our lives where we will no longer tolerate drama, negativity, poison, or anything that may get in the way of our much deepened relationship.  I had made that choice and was already on the path before our decision to obey to our God and reunite. Little did I know he was on the same path, same pattern of mind, before we spoke and made our mirrored thoughts solid and clear cut.

Yes, to answer your obvious question, it was unexpected (our coming full circle), and then quick once we realized what was happening.

We can see how people would/could be in shock, disbelief, or even disagreement, with what has happened. With the way we left off one would be a fool not to be skeptical. However, and that is a BIG however, there is not one person, one child, one friend, one acquaintance, that was there in the alone times, in the reality of, our private relationship, and knows all of the situations we both were facing.

That is something everyone in our lives needs to remember. Not one, but our God, knows all. Neither of us is evil, neither of us is without blame of one sort or another. We have both grown wiser, realized, and voiced, our individual weaknesses, and flaws that led to the seeming end of our relationship.

There's so much I could write regarding it all but that's not what I was compelled to write about today.

That being said, I saw my husband had been reading Proverbs 22-23. How eye opening, how affirming, how validating, pertaining to the challenges thrown at us recently.

I was blown away by one scripture that I've seen, and felt, in recent months, as I watched with a joy not easily described, play out with my husband and his son, two of our children, and our daughter in law. Proverbs 23:22-25. The mercy, grace, and love, they have shown has been a light and such an incredible support in the midst of challenges that have come our way.

One of the first passages I read brought a peace beyond understanding to my spirit as I read, Proverbs 22:3. That one scripture pretty much sums up what we've decided. My husband used to tell the children, while they were young, how the enemy waits, much as a dog, for an opening he can use to plow into our lives. You know when a dog sits at the door and cannot enter because the door is tightly shut? He would tell them that if they leave the door cracked just a bit the dog can, and will, push its way through bringing chaos and destruction and it's difficult to stop. We've made the decision to shut the doors tightly until, or even if, those that have taken advantage of the once opened cracks can grow spiritually, drop their arrogance, pride, and attempts to cause strife, in our new found life together.

A few of the scriptures that we've applied in our lives, or are watching play out, are:
Proverbs 22:10, 12, 15, 17-18, 20, 24-25. Then Proverbs 23:6-9, oh Proverbs 23:9 has been shown to be true time and time again as of late, Proverbs 23:22-25, and with what we are dealing with in a day to day battle, Proverbs 23:29-35.

Please do not take this as a rebuke, or a "see there" as many will. This is only meant to be an encouragement to my husband, and to myself, that our decisions to seal the cracks and to focus on rebuilding what God arranged 30 years ago free from ignorance, arrogance, fear, and blindness, are indeed correct.

After all, if God is great enough to extend mercy, forgiveness, and wisdom to you, is He not great enough to extend it to, and to restore us?

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This Little Light Of Mine....She Shines All On Her Own!

Friday, September 15, 2017


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Game On

Sad but true.

I have first hand knowledge of being in a relationship with a true sociopath and what an incredible education it was. I made a HUGE mistake, due to a variety of circumstances in my life, a huge emotional break on my part, in making a false claim, in the heat of the moment, against another person very close to me. I was so very wrong, and in doing so hurt many people. I will never be able to apologize enough. I did learn, however, and life is incredible. We can never learn enough, especially when we make such horrible accusations without true knowledge.

I was however given the incredible, bone-chilling, chance (gift) to actually interact, and be involved with, one that is truly a #sociopath, for far too long. The difference is night and day and the reality set me back on the correct path to become one with my one, and only, true love. A man of great honor and integrity. For that I am thankful. I needed time away from the chaos that had been in the midst of our family for a very long time, brought in by various situations that included many of us.

The article I have shared parts of is so eye opening, and spot on, that I had to share it. 

    "A sociopath doesn't follow the rules. He believes that the rules, laws, and norms that exist for the safety and well being of everyone in society don't apply to him. He's above them, so they mean nothing....

    ...A sociopath doesn't care about the consequences of his actions. He couldn't care less what he does to you. He couldn't care less for any punishment he'd receive, either. That means NOTHING stops him from doing what he wants to do....

    He grows bored very easily. A sign of a sociopath is the need for change, whether it's new homes, NEW LOCATIONS, new friends, new relationships, new jobs, new whatever. His life must always be sensational. He's a thrill-seeker, always moving on to find excitement when boredom hits.

    A sign of being a sociopath is impulsivity (IMPULSIVE GAMBLING). He acts quickly and without deliberation. He also has neither time nor concern for assessing hazards; he's a risk-taker.

    The sociopath is only concerned for the present moment, the now. This is far different from serene mindfulness. A sociopath lives in the present purely for pleasure, excitement, and instant gratification.

    Signs of a sociopath are careless and reckless behavior. He does what pleases him and what will get him ahead. He couldn't care less who gets hurt or what the consequences of his actions are.

(When they hurt a person they feel they are always in the right, and will belittle, laugh at, and attempt to "rally" others to "their side". What they don't see is that everyone around them see through them and their pathetic attempts  of manipulation. They feel they are of superior intelligence, when in fact much of the time their intelligence is stunted.)

    The sociopath is also unpredictable and quite unreliable. If he commits to doing something but later decides that there's nothing in it for him, he won't do it. (He won't apologize, either because nothing else matters but what they want, or what they can get out of you.)

    A sociopath acts immorally. Cheating, lying, stealing, violence, intimidation, and more are part of who he is and what he does.

    To a sociopath, everything is a game. A sign of sociopathic behavior is the manipulating, calculating behavior that is part of the game. Oh, yeah. They must win the game.

    Sociopaths have been called loose cannons, which is an apt summary of the traits of a sociopath.

When someone first encounters a sociopath, he or she often has a vague feeling that the person is "off" somehow. As seen below, one symptom of a sociopath is dynamic charm, so it can be difficult to determine why this "off" feeling nags at the back of the mind. Knowing the sociopath symptoms can help people more clearly identify a sociopath in their midst.

The symptoms of a sociopath paint a clear picture of someone who is a cold, self-centered, manipulative person with no conscience. A sociopath is

    Antisocial, caring neither for societal rules, norms, and laws, nor for other people; a sociopath has no empathy.
    Conniving, manipulative, deceitful, and dishonest; a symptom of a sociopath is blatant violation of the rights of others.
    A CONTROL FREAK; a sociopath needs control, has the skills to get it, and will stop at nothing to achieve it.
    Charming and smooth; for someone who is antisocial, an ironic symptom of a sociopath is someone who has incredible social skills. However, don't let this sociopath symptom fool you, for these social skills are superficial, insincere, and ONLY used by the sociopath to get his or her way.
    A rule-breaker and a risk-taker; for this reason, the sociopath has REPEATED CLASHES WITH THE LAW AND COMMONLY HAS A LENGTHY CRIMINAL RECORD OF WHICH THEY ARE PROUD.

The symptoms of being a sociopath involve traits and behaviors:

These behaviors and personality traits are about how the sociopath interacts with others and who he or she is as a person. Additionally, they are about who the sociopath is not, what he is not like. A sociopath is

    Not disoriented or out of touch with reality; the symptoms of a sociopath point to a person who is rational, aware, and calculating, and his or her behavior is a choice.
    Not psychotic; a sociopath doesn't have hallucinations or delusions. (It's important to note that the term "psychopath" is often confused with the term "psychotic." To be psychotic means to be out of touch with reality due to hallucinatory sensations and delusional beliefs.)
    Incapable of giving or receiving love or of caring about others, a prominent symptom of being a sociopath is a lack of empathy and conscience.
    Unable or unwilling to learn from negative consequences; a sociopath is often in and out of jail or prison because rehabilitation is impossible.

When children show sufficient and persistent sociopathic traits, characteristics and behaviors, they can be evaluated for conduct disorder (Symptoms of a Sociopath in Men, Women, Children). Conduct disorder can be a precursor to antisocial personality disorder in adulthood; indeed, all sociopathic adults had conduct disorder (whether or not it was officially diagnosed) as a child. It's noteworthy that not every child and teen who has conduct disorder will grow up to be a sociopath.

The American Psychiatric Association (2013) discusses the clinical criteria for conduct disorder in its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), the authority on mental disorders. Conduct disorder is described as "a repetitive and persistent pattern of behavior in which the basic rights of others or major age-appropriate societal norms or rules are violated..." The child or teen exhibits delinquent behavior, frequently severely so, in the following ways:

    Aggression to people and animals
    Destruction of property
    Deceitfulness or theft
    Serious violations of rules

Fire setting, cruelty to animals, and bedwetting (enuresis), together known as the MacDonald Triad, are behaviors that are connected to conduct disorder. Truancy, vandalism, violence, lying, cheating, running away, and early sexual behaviors are but some of the sociopathic behaviors committed by a child or adolescent with conduct disorder.
A Child "Sociopath" is Callous, Unemotional.

The professional term frequently used to describe children who have conduct disorder (CD) is callous and unemotional (CU). Just as sociopathy is a group of traits and behaviors, so, too, is conduct disorder. Traits of a CD/CU child include:

    Disengaged, withdrawn from relationships with parents, family, peers, teachers, etc.
    Social isolation (a sociopathic child is a loner by choice)
    Limited affect/emotion other than impulsive anger
    Little or no attachment or bonding with anyone
    Unremorseful
    Intimidating
    Impervious to punishments, positive reinforcements, and negative reinforcements

Dating, or being married to, a sociopath, having any type of relationship with a sociopath, is usually a shallow, confusing, one-sided experience.

Do sociopaths cry or have feelings at all? Sure they do, when it suits them. FAKING feelings is a skill the sociopath EXCELS at.

Can sociopaths love? Are you kidding? They love themselves enormously!

Narcissistic Sociopath is a Bad Combination

Sociopath and psychopath are words that commonly describe antisocial personality disorder. Sometimes they're used interchangeably, but some experts differentiate between the two. Perhaps inserting narcissism into the mix might help people decide which term to use.

A sociopath doesn't care if he's benefiting anyone. Cold, calculating, and manipulative, he doesn't think about others at all unless they can benefit him.

A narcissist believes he's great, that everything about him is magnificent. He knows with unwavering confidence even beyond conceit that he's benefiting everyone around him and more (Narcissistic Personality Disorder Symptoms, Diagnosis).

In reading a wide variety of literature, patterns become evident. It appears that it is a combination of these personalities that constitutes a narcissistic sociopath. Further, it's the description of narcissistic sociopath that is the common conceptualization of the psychopath.

How do you spot a sociopathic narcissist? Watch for certain traits:

    ...A driven quest for power. If a narcissistic sociopath cares about anything other than himself, it is destructive power and control over people....

    ...Behaviors that seek love and admiration. To be sure, this isn't needy love. It's not even emotional love. It's SUPERFICIAL. A narcissistic sociopath sees love and admiration as power tools to manipulate and dominate....

    ...No apologies, no guilt, no remorse under any circumstance. A sociopathic narcissist believes that he is a gift to the world who makes it richer and more colorful. Therefore, his calculated, even cruel actions are always justified....

(Come on, stealing his own Mother's social security checks? That about as low as it gets. Well, unless you say you're going to pick up the check for dinner, have everyone pay you, then walk with the cash, or perhaps not even contribute to the woman's, he so callously mistreated, funeral...his own mother.)

    Invincibility. The narcissistic variety of sociopath believes he is indomitable. Even punishment and prison can't stop him. They're merely part of the game.

    Wholly SELF-SERVING. The needs and wants of others are insignificant and undeserving of consideration.

    Act as the producer, director, and only actor of his own show. The narcissistic sociopath casts people in roles that increase his power and sense of importance and when bored, casts them aside."

In my experience this person is not only physically, but mentally, impotent and likes to play bully, when in reality he is nothing but a blow hard. Nothing to back his bark, and so laughable. He has shown time and time again when he loses he resorts to bullying anyone he can. Luckily people realize he has nothing to back his words.

I thank God for opening my eyes and for giving me a much more clear picture, I also thank Him for my life, my education, my resilience, and the ability to recognize and discard the BS with ease.

Much credit for this to HealtyPlace. When I read it I was like, "BINGO!"

I give thanks daily to my God, my Teacher, and my incredible, one, true, love.

Oh, and I'm not afraid of you. You're doing a great job of stacking the charges against yourself, theft, attempted theft, slander, liable, and so much more.
Oh, and "Auntie," your mean, self serving, comments are seen for what they are. The true coward is the one that uses an "alias." I think you forgot, but you've tried that with me before. Answer this for me. Why on earth would I EVER publish your comments when you use the names of my children? Surely you don't want them thrown into the public eye? No negativity here, so if you bring it again know it's being laughed off and discarded. 

To the rest of you I truly apologize. Sometimes ugly things have to be addressed.


With great appreciation,


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Motorcycle Mishaps

Tuesday, August 29, 2017


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Decisions Tested

Friday, August 18, 2017

What an amazingly, perfect day. Yes the AC went out, then had to have someone come out to repair what the first tech kinda messed up, water everywhere, but it was peaceful. So many things went south yesterday and today. It really tested us and our decisions, and we won.
 
This afternoon our gorgeous daughter bounced downstairs when she got home with an amazing smile that lit the room, my husband got home a bit early. He and I drove out to Papa Haydn in Sellwood for a cozy, quiet, dinner that ended with delicious Boccone Dolce and a slice of Chocolate Truffle cake. 
 
We talked, laughed, and enjoyed every second of being together. It truly is a wonderful life. Six weeks have flown by, and it is as if there was never day missed in nearly 30 years. Everything is so much better, so right. 
 
Our joint decisions not to allow negative people, or situations, into our lives or influence us, to close the door to people that cling to bitterness, to realize the mistakes of our past, and look to the brightness of our future, has made every thing we lost, learned, gained........it has all been worth it. 

To see how far we've come astounds me. We're both the same people essentially, but so much more wise, secure, certain, and committed.

We've realized the proper chain of priority that was before missing, and we will cling to it fiercely. 

Don't allow anyone tell you that you cannot learn from the past, change your future, and re-prioritize. You can if it means enough to you. You just have to start, throw fear out of the picture, and start. Remember, fear is a manufactured emotion, one that kills so much, one that we create ourselves and it keeps us in bondage. 
 
If you stay paralyzed in fear you will never know, or see, the very best there is waiting just around the corner. 

Take that step, be courageous, don't listen to the ones that want to keep you down. Ask yourself why another person would not want you to succeed. Generally it's because they are unhappy with themselves, their lives. Their happiness is their decision, just as yours is yours.
 
Make the decision. Step into the light and out of darkness. You'll be so happy you did. 

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So Let Hope Rise And Darkness Tremble

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

I was on my left side, staring up in the darkened room at the crystal chandelier above my side of the bed.

I silently laid and waited for sleep. It's elusive tonight.

There is a faint glow from a Himalayan Pink Salt rock that resides on the massive marble topped dresser that holds the TV.

I hear breathing, slow, deep, steady. I hear the whir of the fan, and the faint sound of a dog snoring.

Sleep will not come easy tonight. I look to my right and see the bare chest of the man God brought me nearly 30 years ago, then brought again earlier this year.

We lived together nearly 27 years the first time, as a couple. We've been married a bit over a month now and live as one, united, solid, and peaceful.

It's been an interesting experience to see the changes in each other and in ourselves. The depth we both feel, the total commitment, the coming together as one cohesive couple, is one of the most miraculous events of our lives.

The feelings, emotions, and connection, cannot be explained to one that has not had the experience, other than it's calming, more calming than ever.

There's a connection never before felt. We walked through fire apart to come back together when the timing was right.

It's a wonderful feeling to know, really know, the best of our lives is yet to come.

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Whisperings To Itching Ears...In Other Words..Setting The Record Straight

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Select "friends" and "family" seem to be forgetting a few, very important, things.

Each of you that has never made a mistake, or poor choice, please comment.

Those of you that have received God's grace and mercy but are unwilling to acknowledge He extends it to all that ask, please comment.

Those of you that profess to be Christian, yet refuse to forgive, please comment.

Those of you that think it's fine to see one glimpse of a situation and not another, please comment.

Those of you that feel there is "sin" worse than believing a false prophet to be The Creator, please comment.

Those of you that feel you are free to live in the present and not the past but others are not, please comment.

Those of you that have failed miserably and overcome, but refuse to believe another can, please comment.

Those of you that believe you know God's will for your life but others cannot know the same of theirs, please comment.

To those that believe a person "has lost his salvation" because you don't know God's will for him, and what he was called to do, please tell me when God gave you His job.

To those that believe gossip, negativity, and hatred, is just fine with God, please comment.

To those that come against my family because many of us are tattooed, call us pathetic, and believe we are on the road to hell probably need to read Micah 6:8. God judges our hearts, not our skin.

Those that do not believe God is the Master of reconciliation and Owner of restoration, please comment.

Those that feel it is correct to live life in negativity, haughtiness, blindness, hatred, judgment, and self righteousness, please exit our lives.

We will not tolerate untruths, negativity, gossip, or anything that promotes such, to enter our home. The door is closed.

Happiness, positivity, love, forgiveness, devotion, kindness, peace, humbleness, and joy, are what we choose. What does your choice say about you?

To God Be The Glory for forgiveness, restoration, and true healing.


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