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And Then There Was Light

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

I haven't written much lately, and a lot of what I have written about, with dark undertones, has been trying to come to terms with something I've been attempting to come to terms with for quite some time now.

I realized it years ago, but it wasn't until an incident several weeks ago, my eyes were opened, and all my therapist and doctor had been saying was true.

I think I may have written, at some point, that both doctors had been discussing my condition for some time, and had come to the same conclusion, that I wasn't suffering from Bipolar Disorder, but rather severe PTSD.

I didn't, however, say what they thought caused the trauma.

Yes, you all know of the tangible traumas that have happened, the deaths, the sicknesses, etc. But until now, and after speaking with Deputies, the Sheriff and a Victims Advocate specialist, they all said the same thing as my doctors have been telling me, although I was too afraid to admit it, even to  myself. Emotional, and mental abuse and control.

I'm not going to go into much detail here, because it's not respectful, or correct, for me to do so.
I will post some things I've been given, and read since speaking with these people regarding what they spoke to me about the way they see it.

  1. Humiliation, degradation, discounting, negating. judging, criticizing:
    • Does anyone make fun of you or put you down in front of others?
    • Do they tease you, use sarcasm as a way to put you down or degrade you?
    • When you complain do they say that “it was just a joke” and that you are too sensitive?
    • Do they tell you that your opinion or feelings are “wrong?”
    • Does anyone regularly ridicule, dismiss, disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, and feelings?
  2. Domination, control, and shame:
    • Do you feel that the person treats you like a child?
    • Do they constantly correct or chastise you because your behavior is “inappropriate?”
    • Do you feel you must “get permission” before going somewhere or before making even small decisions?
    • Do they control your spending?
    • Do they treat you as though you are inferior to them?
    • Do they make you feel as though they are always right?
    • Do they remind you of your shortcomings?
    • Do they belittle your accomplishments, your aspirations, your plans or even who you are?
    • Do they give disapproving, dismissive, contemptuous, or condescending looks, comments, and behavior?
  3. Accusing and blaming, trivial and unreasonable demands or expectations, denies own shortcomings:
    • Do they accuse you of something contrived in their own minds when you know it isn’t true?
    • Are they unable to laugh at themselves?
    • Are they extremely sensitive when it comes to others making fun of them or making any kind of comment that seems to show a lack of respect?
    • Do they have trouble apologizing?
    • Do they make excuses for their behavior or tend to blame others or circumstances for their mistakes?
    • Do they call you names or label you?
    • Do they blame you for their problems or unhappiness?
    • Do they continually have “boundary violations” and disrespect your valid requests?
  4. Emotional distancing and the “silent treatment,” isolation, emotional abandonment or neglect:
    • Do they use pouting, withdrawal or withholding attention or affection?
    • Do they not want to meet the basic needs or use neglect or abandonment as punishment?
    • Do they play the victim to deflect blame onto you instead of taking responsibility for their actions and attitudes?
    • Do they not notice or care how you feel?
    • Do they not show empathy or ask questions to gather information?
  5. Codependence and enmeshment:
    • Does anyone treat you not as a separate person but instead as an extension of themselves?
    • Do they not protect your personal boundaries and share information that you have not approved?
    • Do they disrespect your requests and do what they think is best for you?
    • Do they require continual contact and haven’t developed a healthy support network among their own peers?

    http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/02/20/signs-of-emotional-abuse/

    In my situation, all but a couple of these are true, and have happened numerous times over the decades. 

    And as for the victim of emotional abuse, this appears to be common, and really hit me between the eyes:

    Although there is no specific ‘type’ of person who is more likely to be abused, there are abuse victim characteristics which people in an abusive relationship tend to have in common or display. These can include
  6. Low self esteem
  7. Emotional and economic dependency
  8. Continued faith and hope abuser will "grow up"
  9. Depression
  10. Stress disorders and/or psychosomatic complaints
  11. Accepts blame and guilt for violence
  12. Socially isolated, eg avoids social interaction, never seems to be alone
  13. Believes social myths about battering
  14. Believes in stereotypical sex roles
  15. Has poor self image
  16. Contemplates or attempts suicide, or self-harms
  17. Participation in pecking-order battering
  18. Appears nervous or anxious
  19. May defend any criticism of abuser
  20. May have repeatedly left, or considered leaving the relationship
As I got further into therapy, and realized what was being said applied to my situation, I knew why I always wanted to leave, I thought it was inner demons I was fighting, my inner demons, when, in reality, it was an escape from what my doctors had been telling me.

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/abuse_victim_characteristics.html

Please, know the signs. Don't live like I have, did. Analyze, look, and listen. I was told so many times I was in denial, and many more times in the last few weeks. I've come to see that more clearly now.

I'd say that's a step in the right direction.

Seeing things in a new light, much love,


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Mucho Bizzaro, Swerves and Curves, & Shooting Glasses

Monday, July 7, 2014

It's been the strangest of times in the last few weeks, months actually. 

Things are hitting hard, fast, and coming straight out of the Twilight Zone in my life. 

It seems there has been no time to stop, breathe, and enjoy the time as it passes.

About a month, or so, ago I twice had an extremely severe, life threatening reaction to, most probably antibiotics. While I was in the hospital, I ended up pretty close to death's door. In the midst of everything, I felt a presence with me, and a nurse described a person she saw waiting, pacing, the first night I was in. The person she described was the same presence I had sensed being near.

I've thought of it through the weeks and still have no explanation, but the presence was, in my mind, what pulled me through the entire ordeal relatively quickly. It still runs through my mind, and I wonder how, and why, she saw what I felt.

Then yesterday, I awoke in an extremely foggy, distant, state of mind. As so many people, I checked my phone before I was really awake. The antihistamine I've been taking, to counter act the allergic reactions, makes waking quickly pretty difficult at times.

The first post I saw was put up by a friend, and it was in memory of my cousin that died maybe, 25-26 years ago. For some strange reason,  in the foggy state I was in, I thought he had just died, I looked at my phone and there were calls from family that I haven't heard from in months, some in years. They were all from my father's side of the family, cousins and aunts, that were connected to the man the post was about. It wasn't until several minutes later I realized he had been dead for nearly 3 decades.

After listening to the voice messages, and making calls, a cousin had died that night, one that had been named after my cousin in the post. I'm still tying to come to terms with the way the entire thing played out, and why it happened that way.

See, the presence of the person I felt as doctors were working on me, and my friend that made the post, are friends, and have been for years.

I was still confused, and shocked, so I got out on the bike to clear my mind. I knew, from the time I pushed start on my Harley, I shouldn't have been on it at all. About a half mile from where I had started, a car in front of me stopped to turn left.

I'd noticed they'd been riding the brakes, but in the forefront of my mind was the post, and the death of my cousin. Suddenly the car stopped. There was no signal they were turning, no indicator at all. As soon as I noticed they had  stopped, I reacted. My bike went left, it went right, I kept the bike up, but for some reason, I'd put my right foot down, and the impact tore up my toe, strained my ankle, and my leg up to my knee. I kept going, I had an appointment to make. My head was still foggy, and it never dawned on me to go back, get the car and continue on.

By the time I got home, my leg, foot, toe, and knee, were swollen and hurting terribly, but there was no way I was going back to the hospital. I put my leg up, kept it iced, and chilled for the remainder of the evening.

I was still sore this morning when I met a friend for coffee. She wanted to ride, I wanted to ride, we made some calls, gathered some people, and went for an incredible ride in the country. The weather was perfect, the scenery gorgeous, and for the first time in weeks, my mind was clear.





I was able to unwind, relax, laugh, and enjoy the company of incredible people. We stopped at a little place to eat and they had oyster shooters, well, this girl will never pass up oyster shooters, so all, but one of the group, ordered a few.

On the first shot my friend and I did, off flew her glasses, into the brush about 20 feet down.



She and I heard them fall, looked down and saw nothing but weeds, and the rushing creek below. We kept trying to see them, and suddenly, a guy from another table jumped over the railing, climbed down the decking, to search for them himself.

Me, being the smart ass I can be, said, "Ah, you've climbed out of many windows when you were young!"

"No ma'am, I'm just a farm boy."

Within minutes, Farm Boy found the shades, climbed up a bit to hand them to my friend, then proceeded to, what I thought was going to be a, "Hey y'all, watch this," moment. He did it though, he made his way back up without incident.

A bit of time passed, and it's uncanny how many bikers know other bikers from near and far, a group of bikers walked in that we hadn't seen in ages, some I'd never met, although we all knew the same people, and then more came in after. Stories were told, laughs were had, and for the first time in months, I felt I out from under the fog, the chaos, the stress of the proceeding months.

The release of today, hopefully, will allow me to get back on track, once more become focused, and move forward with this incredible project I'm working on!

Peace out all,

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The Man That Shaped My Life

Thursday, June 26, 2014

One year, many years ago, I made a book for my dad, most probably for Father's day.

After so many years it was difficult to come up with something meaningful, and not just a trivial trinket that would be tossed in a drawer and forgotten.

My dad was gone so much of the time we were growing up, and when he was home, sometimes it was good, sometimes not so good.

But I think because he was out of our lives for long stretches of time, memories of our times together were easier to gather from the depths of my mind than if he had been around us day to day.

I wrote of everything I could remember, good memories, bad memories, and stories he had to told me.

I remembered the time, when I was probably 12, he and I had tickets to see Willie Nelson. I was SO looking forward to it, but being a corporate pilot he was always on call. He was called to fly for the month a few days before the concert. I was crushed.

I never said anything to him about how hurt I had been, but he knew. When he finally got back home, he gave me a necklace. Of course with him being a pilot, and having no idea what to get a 12 year old girl, on the necklace hung a small jet. I treasured that necklace, but over the years it was lost, but memories of it will forever remain. 

I wrote of forging his signature on my report cards, of him making us toys. I reminded him of taking me flying and sailing, taking me out of school, and telling me never to tell mom. I wrote of him teaching me to fish, eat oysters, and to not take shit from anyone.

There was so much more. He taught us about Bilderberg, he told us of outrageous, behind the scenes stories, of rock stars and politicians.

Dad had such an exciting life, and we were always eager to hear of his tales of intrigue, true or not, they were captivating. 

I found out, after mom was killed and Dad and I spent more time together than ever before, how much that book meant to him. He told me he cried when he read it, and that he read it time and time again.

He said he cried because he was always afraid that because he was taken from us so often, due the nature of his job, we would never have memories of him. As he told me that I cried. I had no idea, something I thought would mean so little, meant so much.

On this day, June 26, 1938, Julian Park Anderson was born in Greenville, South Carolina. Today I smile, I cry, I rejoice, and I remember my father on his 75th birthday.

Taking Nikki for a spin.

Placing a rose on Mom's casket.

This was the night after we made Mom's funeral arrangements. He was totally toasted!

Dad with his first baby, me.

Hanging with two of his granddaughters.

Happy Birthday Dad. I so love you!

Cheers,

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In My Own Words......VIDEO

Thursday, June 19, 2014










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Change of Plans

Friday, June 13, 2014


I've recently been alluding to an incredible project I'm currently working on with a magnificent team.  This project will bring huge changes to my life and the lives of all involved.

We were going to announce it publicly in the very near future. However, after an executive meeting yesterday, my partner and I have come to the decision to delay the public announcement for a short time.

This project is going to be much more spectacular than we had originally planned, and we are incredibly excited. My partner and I have been intensely working on all that is involved, and we don't want to overlook even the smallest detail.

As of now, we're well under way, with so much accomplished, but we hit a bit of a snag, that actually may be a tremendous advantage in our endeavor. 

So be patient, we want this release to be perfect in every way, and are working day and night to accomplish our mission.

As of today, we're hard at work preparing our social media sites, with the intent to launch those as soon as we possibly can, and with that will come the official announcement. You know me, and I'm terribly impatient, that's where my partner is very good at bringing me back to focus on the task at hand.

I'm looking at the big picture, as is he, however, he somehow has the ability to, Lord know how, to bring me back to the here and now.

Just know, I want to take you on this journey with us, and a journey it will be.

Impatiently waiting,


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It Didn't Stop There!

Monday, June 9, 2014

On the plane home from Texas, incredible trip, although I didn't get to see my brother's and their wives as much as I wanted. I barely saw Sydney and Josh, and no Emi, Andrew, Meagan, Ryan or Rylie.

I did get Brat time, but need much more, and I finally got to see the family I spent more time with than with my parents, and it was awesome!

Dawn and Eric were busy with wedding preparations, and Joel and Tina were in and out. So, Hoping to make a much longer trip soon and spend awesome time with them all, as well as some incredible people I met.

Since it's cramped in the plane, and a bit difficult to write, I'll give you a review in pics while I have a gin and tonic, or two, and chill.

Never enough Brat time!
New fam, and old fam

Me and Eric
Me and Dawn
Have never seen my brother look so happy, and the get back whip....



Dawn has the most beautiful smile!

My brother in a kilt? That was fun!


Cake time
Look at her smile!   
My middle brother
Tina and me





Frank and me
I was good
1858 New Army
I wonder if Richard would notice if I took it?
Here they are, minus Michael, Frank, Me, Konni, Rose, Richard, and Harley!

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Sneak Peek In Pics

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Wind farm
Courtesy of Motorcycle Travel America  

My enforcer

Most of the group!

Way Cool!


Da girls!

Hey, I just noticed, two for the price of one! Must have been before the fall 


I love him!

My and my daughter, Nikki


He's cold

Doing what they do













Total attitude here



At Fenders, our East side home base


AND of course to EVERYONE that is contributing to this massive undertaking!!
And thank you to the cow that died to be my rug


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