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The Cruise

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The daily notes in the cruise newsletter simply said “Hilarious Adult Game Show”. We weren’t really sure what to expect but went anyway, after all we’d be in the audience, no problem. We got to the theater about a half hour early and found a great seat. The theater was in the shape of a rectangle with the stage area on one end and the other three sides were filled with seats.
While we waited for the theater to fill we watched the big screen and the “kiss me” shots that would come up. We’ve never been chosen for one of those kiss me spots at any event we’ve ever been to. That night we were chosen. Looking back I should have taken it as an omen.
Soon the theater was filled and the show began. The cruise director came out and started the ball rolling by telling us that most of us wouldn’t have a clue as to what to expect and mumbled something about not being responsible for the therapy for any child left in the theater. That would have been a clue for us to exit the theater, but did we take it? No way. We stayed.
We were told that this would be an “adult scavenger hunt”. Ok, I thought, it couldn’t be so bad. The audience was divided up into about 12 teams and two people from each team were chosen, or volunteered, to be team leaders. Our team leaders were a little, cute blonde girl about 20 yrs old and a college guy about 23 or so.
The concept was simple and seemed ok, the cruise director would ask for an object and the team had to find the object(s) and get them to the team leader so that they could then take them to the cruise director. Points would be awarded and prizes were to be given to the leaders of the winning team.
I’m sure that the first objects to be found were chosen to put us all at ease: a bar bill, foreign currency, a girl’s tattoo with wings, nothing too bad. We still felt pretty comfortable with the whole thing. Even when he asked for false teeth out of their owner’s mouth, we couldn’t foresee getting sucked into this vortex. You should have seen that cute little girl grab those saliva covered teeth that dripped all the way to center stage. She wanted the points so badly and didn’t want to offend the mouth that offered them up. Seriously though, little blondie was about to spew.
Then things started to get more interesting. He asked for the largest bra, it was a 44DD (Jeff and I have this argument going on regarding this, which is larger a 44DD or a 36E? He told me that I would have won with the 36E, but I’m thinking that the 44 DD would have made me look like a kindergartener!). Then the director asked for a thong. Girls were running down in herds to show him their underwear. There were butts flashing everywhere, girls pushing other girls out of the way, panties in hand and then he held up a flip flop shoe and said that everyone must have mis -understood, he only wanted a shoe!
Next the team leaders were asked to find three men’s belts not being worn. Jeff stood up and popped that belt off in record time. Man, he really seemed to be getting into the spirit of the evening. Next the cruise director asked for three pairs of men’s pants not being worn. Before I could turn to look I felt the “swoosh” of khaki colored silk pants by my head. I turned in time to see my husband, along with the man on my other side, happily running to that cute little blonde, pants in hand. I don’t think they even gave a second’s thought about what kind of underwear, or lack of, that they had been wearing that night.
Cute little blonde college girl took all of the pants to the cruise director. He awarded points to the various team leaders and then had them lay the pants in a pile in the center of the stage. It was then that he directed the pants’ owners to come down and retrieve them. You would have thought that Jeff would have considered it. No, he didn’t. He bounded down those stairs to the middle of the stage to claim his khakis.
Ok, so if this was the worst of it, no big deal. But somehow I knew that this wouldn’t be the end. And I was correct. Ole Cruise director then asked for man carrying an empty purse, wearing lipstick and wearing a bra they way it was meant to be worn. OMG! I could feel Jeff ripping off his shirt and knew that he was coming after my bra. I gave it to him, at least it wasn’t me going into the center of the stage! In what seemed like one fluid motion, his shirt was off, my bra was on and he had lipstick on his mouth and he was running faster than any 58 year old man should be allowed to.
The theater roared with laughter. I was laughing so hard that I was crying. My eyes burned as my makeup ran into them. I couldn’t catch my breath and the woman next to me kept asking “Is THAT your husband?” Then I see Jeff in the line having to “walk the runway like a super model”! Oh Mother of God! I can’t take much more of this. I couldn’t breathe, the audience was howling and my husband was strutting his stuff in front of the entire ship. It was bad enough when he was romping around in HIS underwear, but now he was in mine!
I composed myself enough to look up and see him do his “sexy” little walk followed by his “sexy” little dance and then exit the stage, he was smiling all the way. I was going to have to leave the theater with a bag on my head and by the side of someone that sat fully composed, and dressed, throughout the show.
Jeff made it back to his seat, gave me back my bra and dressed himself. He once again looked respectable. Ok, it wasn’t so bad. I’ll leave the theater with him, after all no one knew us. We gathered up all of our belongings and left with the crowd. As soon as we got out in front of the theater we saw the family that we had been having dinner with each night. Surely they hadn’t been in the theater and surely they didn’t see my husband prancing around like some sort of super model on growth hormone.
One look at their faces as they burst into laughter told me that they had seen every strut, every prance and every dance move he made. All I could do was laugh as I watched tears stream down their cheeks while talking about Jeff. He had fun, he gave us all a great laugh, and most of all he gave us all a memory that will always bring a smile to our faces. Especially mine as I think of everyone he knows watching him strut away on YouTube!

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