Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Oh, learning lessons is a difficult thing to do. I would think that the older I get, the easier I would learn, but not so. At least not until now.
Most of you that know me know that things have been pretty up and down here lately. There's been a lot of loss, trauma and tension around here. Drama has come in every form.
The good side of it all is that it brought a undiagnosed, until yesterday, condition I have to the forefront. It's been such a big relief to know that there is something that's wrong and it can be stablized and kept in control.
The bad thing is that I've put many of my friends at arms length, not fully trusting anyone. Being wary continually is a hard thing to keep up, it's draining. My fear is that they would think that it was my belief that they had somehow caused the rift, but it was just me protecting myself from the loss.
However I learned this week that I can't protect my self loss and it freaking sucks. Without going into detail, I've lost, or will lose, some very special people. Tonight was the last straw I guess, even with family. My relationships with four of my favorite people in the world have been damaged. They'll never be the same, because now those people are at arms length. I feel, whether right or wrong, that it has to be that way for my protection. My circle is getting smaller. The pain though is piercing and seems to be without end.
And this condition I have been diagnosed with has been freeing and confining at the same time. While not curable it is controllable. It seems that while some of the closest people to me now understand some things, they also view me differently Not really sure why. I'm the same person I've been for 46 years. The only thing that's changed is a label and medication.
I guess I'm rambling, my mind is wandering from topic to topic trying to make sense of distance and loss of trust. I'm not really sure what to do now other than keep my mouth shut, keep these people at a distance and keep my eyes open and my heart guarded.
I do still have a couple of people that have been so incredibly supportive and uplifting and I love them all the more for that. They make up my circle now and I know that I can be myself in their presence.
If none of this makes sense to you, it's ok. It makes sense to me and that's what matters