Thursday, April 1, 2010
I'm trying to distract myself today from more tests to rule in or rule out leukemia. Sitting in Starbucks playing with my phone seeing if this mobile blog thing really works. I'm going to be really pissed if I spend all this time typing on my iPhone and it doesn't post.
It's also supposed to post to my Twitter account but I'm not so sure I have it working correctly.
It's been a hard couple of days, months actually, but I've been able to stay away from the self-harm even though I got into a huge fight with my extremly stubborn, arrogant, rebellious husband. Seems he told off another OSHA inspector in January and chose not to tell me. Well I opened the mail two days ago and there it was, a citation with numerous violations and a deadline to respond. He's thinks it's no big deal. I'm looking at the fine, losing our workers comp, and our livelyhood.
In that argument I found out that it was none of my business, I was worthless, arrogant and didn't know what I was talking about.
I've shutdown, retreated to my sanctuary and ceased eating. All that being said there's been no thought of knives, razors or pills. Suicide is a thought that's been torturing me. But I've been able to deflect it so far by thinking of the devastation it would cause my kids. That's a huge change for me. Before there was nothing that exorcized the demon that wants my soul. You know, when I got the results of my first blood test I actually welcomed the thought of the suspected cancer. I guess that's a form of suicidal thoughts.
I wonder if it's just the bipolar speaking or the fact that I'm tired. I'm tired of living this stressful life. I'm tired of fighting the economy to stay in business. I'm tired of the ever present fear of losing my house. And I'm tired of the intolerable thought of possibly losing one of my daughters and three of my grand children. I'm just plain tired.
Well I'm off for more testing.