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Thursday, April 1, 2010

I'm trying to distract myself today from more tests to rule in or rule out leukemia. Sitting in Starbucks playing with my phone seeing if this mobile blog thing really works. I'm going to be really pissed if I spend all this time typing on my iPhone and it doesn't post.
It's also supposed to post to my Twitter account but I'm not so sure I have it working correctly.
It's been a hard couple of days, months actually, but I've been able to stay away from the self-harm even though I got into a huge fight with my extremly stubborn, arrogant, rebellious husband. Seems he told off another OSHA inspector in January and chose not to tell me. Well I opened the mail two days ago and there it was, a citation with numerous violations and a deadline to respond. He's thinks it's no big deal. I'm looking at the fine, losing our workers comp, and our livelyhood.
In that argument I found out that it was none of my business, I was worthless, arrogant and didn't know what I was talking about.
I've shutdown, retreated to my sanctuary and ceased eating. All that being said there's been no thought of knives, razors or pills. Suicide is a thought that's been torturing me. But I've been able to deflect it so far by thinking of the devastation it would cause my kids. That's a huge change for me. Before there was nothing that exorcized the demon that wants my soul. You know, when I got the results of my first blood test I actually welcomed the thought of the suspected cancer. I guess that's a form of suicidal thoughts.
I wonder if it's just the bipolar speaking or the fact that I'm tired. I'm tired of living this stressful life. I'm tired of fighting the economy to stay in business. I'm tired of the ever present fear of losing my house. And I'm tired of the intolerable thought of possibly losing one of my daughters and three of my grand children. I'm just plain tired.
Well I'm off for more testing.


Anonymous,  April 1, 2010 at 5:40 PM  

I was reading your reflection and I think that what you write is one of those moments that only silence can be a sign of understanding the pain of someone else, no reason why these from my contacts but I understand that nothing is a coincidence, I Chilean'm a month ago and a few days more we live an earthquake in our country a huge disaster that claimed the lives of many people and forever changed the lives of many others. When I read your story is like an earthquake that comes into your life, shake everything and forever changed the course of things. I hope with all my heart that God grant you peace in order to understand all your fears are is his presence, and you can receive descend into your heart. There is nothing impossible for God, I will be praying for you from this corner of the world, because surely after this storm in your life will end someone wiser than cover what really matters in life. Blessings and may God bless you. A warm hug from Chile.

The Bipolar Diva April 1, 2010 at 6:06 PM  

Thank so much for taking the time to comment. I greatly appreciate your kind words and I don't take them lightly.

Anonymous,  April 1, 2010 at 6:46 PM  

I hope to hear encouraging their health in their next blogs. I will be attentive to his writings. Again a big hug. From his writings we can see that you are a nice person.

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