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Brilliance, Comphehension, Completion

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Well, if you're looking for any proper use of spelling, grammar or our English language language, I suggest you click on out now! I mean NOW! 

Humor and sarcasm tonight pretty much flew out the window this morning and I haven't been able to find them again. You know me, I will hunt them down and drag them back kicking and screaming sorta like I do with some of my kids.

Anyway, I know that I usually try to convey to you the lighter side of my life. Right now I can't do that. I'm writing tonight mainly for me and for some of my bipolar peeps that may feel lost. I tend to write upbeat and sometimes I think I feel like I make other people that suffer from the disorder uncomfortable.

Remember the new med the doc put me on that I raved about? Geodon? While I still think it's fantastic, I'm really getting worried and have called in the troops. I called my psych twice today, so unlike me. Then both my husband and daughter spoke with her, Ok, now I really know that there's a problem. I even have someone that I trust and admire checking my posts for weird or any signs of me not being me. I won't link to her tonight because I don't want to her to have her "Goddess Stature" tarnished in any way because she's looking after a loon. But I love and trust her more than almost anyone. But Brat's still my girl especially of we should we both turn exclusively to the fairer sex. Brat is smokin'!

While I feel I have myself back in some ways, my outgoing-ness, friendliness, and over all feeling happy, it's began scaring me two days ago with it culminating today while I sat at Starbucks waiting for my hair appointment  I realized that much more was going on. I wasn't just talking I was chattering like that damned Chatty Cathy doll that scared the hell out of me when I was a girl! Even with the batteries removed that little "BLEEP" kept talking!

That wasn't all, I was restless, I couldn't sit still, I can't read blogs, I cant even freaking spell! I began trembling, I knew I couldn't drive. My awesome doc made me find someone to come pick me up, she didn't want me driving either.

I had already taken two ativan, doc said take two more AND another Geodon then and another at dinner. I'm not really sure how much ativan I took since I could never remember if I had taken it. Well being I woke up at 8 this evening I think I pretty much missed dinner and if I know my kids at all they licked their plates clean as well as all of the containers of food! OR, the little urchins cracked open a can of (shiver) Chef Boyer Dee or however the hell you spell his stupid carb filled name. I mean why would I ever had bought my kids, 1)canned food and 2)canned food with a fat man on the label? 

Back to me since we ARE talking about me. Here I am several hours later after sleeping the afternoon and most of the night away and I'm eating  cheese, cracker and olive plate my kids made me and drinking a beer. 

I will hope for better skies tomorrow. This med thing along with the enormous about of financial stress at work and everything else is making me restless. I think I just might crash a friends private island as long as I can bring my laptop and untraceable phone.

For those your who are wondering and I know that you are,  *disclaimer* look away or exit this blog if you don't want to know what I'm about to be very blunt about* 1 , 2 , 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Too late, If you're here I guess you have to read it. I have not used a razor, nor has the idea entered my mind, it has entered others minds, but not mine. I am not suicidal, I am not anywhere near considering overdosing. So all that is good. I guess the only thing I have let to ask is it safe to take ativan, lunesta and whatever the heck that stuff is called with a Blue Moon Beer?

So the next question is, uh, was there even a first? Oh well the question is what will tomorrow look like? Guess only time will tell.


W.C.Camp July 15, 2010 at 12:52 AM  

Hang in there Diva. We will take you any way we can get you, sleepy, happy, medicated, or just frazzled. Always remember you have a load of friends in Cyberspace to drag you along kicking and screaming - even if you don't want to go!

Get some rest and we will hope you are feeling a bit more (ab)NORMAL tomorrow. W.C.C.

Unknown July 15, 2010 at 2:06 AM  

how very intersting that I just posted a blog almost like this one. It was and is all about me and my crazy ass. I need help in the worst way and the celexa, ativan, xanax, flexeril, tramidol and neurontin aren't cutting it. I must sleep now since I believe the meds have kiched in again. I've been in bed all day, only to get up and use the bathroom and then back to bed. I didn't even open the laptop until a few hours ago. I will be praying for you Teri. I know going thru this is rough-I can sense and hear your pain thru your writing. Bless you sweet one as you sleep this evening...and yes, its probably not a good idea to drink on all that medication. I will message you tomorrow on facebook. Talk to u soon.

Unknown July 15, 2010 at 2:18 AM  

I'm so sorry! I sent you an email!

Ca88andra July 15, 2010 at 2:19 AM  

Just found you and read your profile. Got to the bit about 11 kids and stopped. Didn't have to read further - in my book you're already awesome! 11 kids! Wow!

Tiffany July 15, 2010 at 5:09 AM  

manic episodes are fun aren't they? When Mike first got diagnosed I thought that the manic episodes would be easy since "hey, he's happy, right?" Not so much. Those sometimes can be scarier than the depressive episodes. Despite how you may have been feeling it's clear that you can still sense when you need help and called in for back up. you gotta pat yourself on the back for that.

Anonymous,  July 15, 2010 at 5:17 AM  

My daughter, who is 18, is bi polar, and has been on just about ever bi polar medication and combination of them, that there is. They work great at first, but then stop. Her psychiatrist said, she is the hardest client she has ever had to get stable. Anyway, when she was on Geodon, she did great at first, we thought we found the right medication....but after a few months she became very manic and was talking nonstop, couldn't sleep (even with her clonzepam) and basically started having the opposite effects.
If was so frustrating for her and for all of us, as just when she seems to be doing well, the rug comes out from under her. She ended up back in the hospital, but truthfully, the hospitalizations rarely helped, it was more a keeping kids/teens under control with behavior. Now that she is 18, I'm hoping things will get better.
I don't have any wise words of wisdom for you, just sending out a hug. Have faith that this will pass and you will get back to a stable place. Bi polar is such a frustrating medical problem.

Amber July 15, 2010 at 6:33 AM  

Poor diva. Hang in there. Thinking about ya! :)

Allyson & Jere July 15, 2010 at 7:43 AM  

Sooo sorry that things are in a bad place right now. I hope that you and the docs will be able to get it worked out soon. Somehow you were STILL able to find your snark and humor, in spite of it all. So, at least there is that. Hang in there friend.

Christy July 15, 2010 at 8:10 AM  

I'm sending positive thoughts. You are a survivor and have a great support system around you so I know you will get through it. We are all pulling for you.

Gucci Mama July 15, 2010 at 8:21 AM  

Oh, Diva. I love you and I admire your candor. You'll get it worked out. You are well loved and supported.

And I'm working on getting the island thing worked out. Hopefully we'll be breaking ground on the compound by this time next year. ;)

Unknown July 15, 2010 at 8:21 AM  

I wish my daughter had a doc like yours. While you haven't used the razor, she has. As a cutter. Release for her back then. The scars to prove it, the tattoo to cover them up as best she could.

My heart goes out to you, panic attacks in public are the worse, bar none.

Stay where you need to be for today, bed, basement, roof. (tethered if you are clumsy like me) Just pop your head in tomorrow to say 'Hey' and leave again if you have to. Glad you have Brat.

Virtual hugs

Unknown July 15, 2010 at 8:41 AM  

Well you would never guess that the first BP Drug my doc put me on was? Geodon. Liking it, except for raging hunger, insomnia and occasional episodes like you just had. Calling my doc today to get an increase???

The Bipolar Diva July 15, 2010 at 9:13 AM  

Blogger is EATING my comments!! I still have them all on email, so I'll attempt to publish the rest when I get home this evening. I heart you all!


Monkey Man July 15, 2010 at 9:47 AM  

At least you have the soundness of mind to take your meds. My bipolar FIL insists he has no problem and his codependent wife continues to play the victim role she seems to love. Sad shit. Keeps them from being able to see their grandchildren - my kids.

Robin July 15, 2010 at 1:55 PM  

So sorry you've been taken hostage again. Good job communicating with others and reaching out and letting them help. I'm glad to know you aren't suicidal. And that you're conscious of the need to be safe by being with others.

I hope this passes quickly. I hope the world will take care of itself for a while so that you can rest a bit.

You'll be in my prayers.

The Bipolar Diva July 15, 2010 at 2:22 PM  

You guys all totally ROCK! Also, a wonderful man told me that sometimes my site was being re-directed and another friend said some weird things happened. I've worked with Blogger Support and as of yet they can find nothing wrong. If something strange happens will you please email me?

Anonymous,  July 15, 2010 at 3:21 PM  

A middle-aged man tells his wife, "I'm coloring my chest hairs gray so I can start collecting social security."

She replies, "Show them your penis so you can get on disability, too."

Now feel better. ;)

The Bipolar Diva July 15, 2010 at 3:34 PM  

Ok, Jacob, I am laughing now!! Thank you :)

JoJo July 15, 2010 at 6:41 PM  

That's the best way to take sleeping pills.

Yea, I can't believe I'm going to be allowed to give out medical advice legally in a few weeks.

Feel better and stay strong Diva! Hope today was brighter.

Ms. Understood July 15, 2010 at 10:49 PM  

I'm sorry you had such a tough day. I've never seen a manic episode, but it sounds pretty scary looking in from the outside, so it's got to be terrifying on the inside and realizing that it's you going through it. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

Karyn July 15, 2010 at 11:34 PM  

Hey Lady- sorry I just read this- hate you had one of those days- wish I wasn't so far- glad to hear it wasn't a bad night, BUT, did you do any shopping??? I have had a few of those days too, we don't even want to talk about how bad my feet are right now- Know you can always call......Hugs....K

Laurie Wallin July 18, 2010 at 2:12 AM  

So sorry it's been such a rough ride with the Geodon. My oldest (dx BPI) is in the midst of meds problems and it is so hard to ride that roller coaster! I sent her to respite this weekend because I'm tired of getting yelled at when I smile at her. Oh well, right? Hang in there. Thank you for your amazing honesty in your posts!


Brenda Susan July 18, 2010 at 2:59 PM  

Wishin' I could reach through this laptop and hug you! How terribly frustrating to know who you are but feel like you are not able to BE who you are without the meds or in spite of the meds! Argh! I am so sorry Diva and all your blog friends are pulling for you!

The Green-Eyed Brat July 19, 2010 at 9:52 AM  

I have yet to watch the videos you sent due to my current Android phone sucking ass. It pixelates (is that a word) and I can't see you clearly. However, I had to reorder my iPhone, long story, and it should be here by Friday or Saturday. I don't have a gurantee but the dude at the store told me they are getting the 32gb out faster, who knows...

However with the above posted pic...I am ANXIOUS as hell to see the videos you sent!!! *tee hee*

I'm glad the doctor finally called...I was on the verge of one of my many famous "Brat Attacks"...Aurora Greenway would of had nothing on me.

By the way...ask your doctor to send me the meds you're on...because the Brat is NOT hot!!!

Tracey cat July 8, 2011 at 2:52 AM  

HUGS. the thing i hate the most about bp is that more so than not we need a medication to balance us out. usually a combo. Getting there takes patience, pain, sadness, craziness, sleeping, awakeness and just getting through each day min by min. Im on the rollercoaster now , have been, cant get this straightened out and im getting mentally exhausted from it. xoxo

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