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The Diva and the Crumb

Friday, July 30, 2010

It had been a long day filled with the usual Diva-ness, coffee, the gym a little shopping, plus assorted extras. Mid-way through the afternoon I began looking forward to my bed. I love my bed; I've spent a lot of money on it. Well, I've spent a lot of money on everything, but especially my bed. The way I see it my bedroom is a refuge from reality, a haven in the midst of havoc.

My husband's chosen career of a hand's on general contractor is a physically demanding and my job is, well, exhausting as well. At the end of the day there is nothing more wonderful than closing the big wooden double doors of the master suite, shutting out the world and climbing into the enveloping comfort of 1200 thread-count sheets atop a plush pillow top mattress.

Every morning I carefully make and arrange the bedding on the tufted leather sleigh bed in preparation for the evening's cocooning. We only use king sized flat sheets on the beds in our home, especially on mine. None of that fitted crap on my bed. I hate the way they never fit the mattress and continually work their way off and create bothersome creases and unneeded distractions. Three sheets in all go on; one covering the mattress pad to sleep on, and two more, one on each side of a matelasse quilt. Each morning I remove all of the sheets and the quilt and shake out any little irritants that may have made their way into the sheets over night. You never know what a yorkie or a construction working husband may have fall off of them in the middle of the night. Any foreign material in my bed is strictly prohibited, after all Divas have extremely sensitive skin, remember the Princess and the Pea? So think of that squared.

After the sheets have been shaken and the first two replaced, the quilt is put in place followed by the third sheet. Then the two top sheets and the quilt are folded over and smoothed down revealing the top one third of the bottom sheet. Four pillows are then neatly stacked one on another and arranged on each side of the bed and a down comforter is folded and positioned over the bottom third of the mattress. It's beautiful, refreshing and relaxing just to see.

On this day I was particularly looking forward to my bed. I was drained. Every muscle in my body ached, my joints were stiff and I just wanted to lie in peace and luxuriate in comfort. I made it into the shower and lathered the grime of the day off of me and down the drain. I shampooed my hair and scrubbed my face free of any trace of makeup. I stepped from the steamy shower, my mind continued to focus on my bed. I couldn't wait to smooth lotion on to my still damp body and climb between the sheets. I wasn't sure I could make it; my body ached more with every movement. I was so focused on getting into bed that I didn't recognize the symptoms of a virus beginning to attack my system.

I grabbed the short, white, terry cloth robe hanging on the back of the bathroom door and wrapped it around my freshly cleaned and moisturized skin. I opened the door leading to the bedroom and there it was, my nirvana.

I pulled off my robe and dropped it at the foot of the bed and pulled back the silken sheets. I sat on the side of the bed, took in a deep breath to blow the day away and eased my body back into the awaiting paradise. I carefully pulled the sheets up around my bare skin and fell back into the welcoming stack of pillows. I sank down surrounded by the softness of cotton and down. That feeling was worth every charge on my credit card.

Only seconds after burrowing in and finding the perfect position I felt it. Just when I though the day was over.

My eyes sprang open.

You have got to be FREAKING kidding me!

There was something in my bed, something small and annoying. I wasn't going to be able to sleep until it was out, but I hurt too badly and was too weary to get out and re-make the entire bed. I couldn't even muster the strength to call for help. Like anyone would help me. Kids can't get it, I'm naked and if I have to get up and put something on I might as well shake out the friggin' bed myself. Jeff won't help. He's laughed at me for twenty three years and loves to brush crumbs, real or imagined, over onto my side of the bed. He's figured out that it's one of my little pieces of craziness.


Maybe if I move my legs around I can get it away from me. Maybe I can maneuver it over to Jeff's side, he has skin like an elephant, and he'll never know it's there. So with my left leg I try to brush it over. Wasn't working. Maybe I could grab it with my fingers and flick it somewhere, who cares where, as long as it's no longer in my bed. Couldn't get it. Little bastard seems to have a mind of its own and it had no idea who it was up against, then again, maybe it did.

Perhaps I could ignore it. I turned over on my right side and scoonched a few inches closer to the right edge of the bed. Either it followed me or it was multiplying. Suddenly I realized that I was going to be done in by a crumb, a miniscule piece of annoyance. It was going to win. I was going to lose.

Out of frustration I began to frantically kick at the sheets, I was going to have to re-do them anyway. Pillows were flying and arms and legs thrashing about wildly. In the midst of my convulsive naked tantrum the bedroom door cracked opened. I looked up frozen in a panic-like state as my husband stood staring at me. He had this look on his face that suggested that he was just about to call the men with the white coats and butterfly nets.

"What in the hell are you doing?"

For my husband to use language like that it's got to be something severe, for me it seems a daily ocurrence.

"There are crumbs in my bed!"

It must have been a pitiful site. I knew he was going to think I was a complete loon. It was just a crumb. I began crying. I couldn't even look at him. There I was, flailing around, screaming and crying over a couple of crumbs in my bed. If that wasn't Diva-like behavior, I wasn't sure what was.

To my surprise, he didn't laugh. His look of shock turned into a knowing smile as he picked up my robe and wrapped it around my shaking skin. He told me to sit in the chair and he began to shakeout and re-make my bed. I did see him shake his head a time or two, but he never said anything. When he completed his task he pulled back the covers, and motioned for me to get into the bed. I crept back over, he removed my robe and I climbed into my now crumb free bed. Jeff pulled the covers up, tucked me in and gave me kiss along with a xanex.

He turned the lights down low and quietly closed the door as he left. It was then I heard "You kids will never guess what just happened!"

Oh well, I turned over, burrowed in again and slept in comfort.


Robin July 31, 2010 at 2:10 AM  

I hope you are feeling better and that the virus lost the battle.

If I had to make my bed like that, it would never be made. You've made it an art.

And if my husband walked into my room and I was flailing about naked, he'd just think it was a sex dance and start to take his clothes off.

I hope you got some great sleep. Your husband is a good boy.

Christy July 31, 2010 at 5:13 AM  

LOL! I don't have the sheet fetish you do, but I do have the "anything in the bed and I can't sleep syndrome." I have been known to have something wake me up in the middle of the night just to find SOMETHING in the bed with me. How that crumb got there I don't know. I don't eat in bed so it remains a mystery. How dare it jump in there with me.

Anonymous,  July 31, 2010 at 6:07 AM  

Well glad you got some sleep!
A few critters in bed never hurt anything I always say!

The Invisible Seductress July 31, 2010 at 8:04 AM  

I hate when that happens!!!!

I am glad you had support when you needed it!!!

Single and Sane July 31, 2010 at 8:19 AM  

Diva - Wow, you can really weave a story! I have the top sheet on my bed, too because of cats. I must confess, I don't have your daily ritual. Most impressive.

Dee July 31, 2010 at 8:46 AM  

I feel sorry for your hubby. LOL Because my own hubby? Is the sheet princess! hahaha

Furry Bottoms July 31, 2010 at 11:14 AM  

Your blog is one of those I can rely on for a chuckle or a thought provoking...thought. Love it. Glad you got some sleep! Personally, I cannot stand flat sheets, LOL except when they're used as a backing for a quilt.

Cheeseboy July 31, 2010 at 3:25 PM  

My boys played in the sandbox, came in and laid in my bed without me knowing it. The swear words that came out of my mouth that night are not for the faint of hearted.

Am I a male diva? A miva?

Nolie July 31, 2010 at 6:04 PM  

I felt a smile creep on to my face when I read about your husband coming in and fixing it. I too can't stand real or imaginary crumbs in my bed. Tobei is always calling me the princess and the pea. I never thought of using a flat sheet instead of a fitted before. I must consider that idea.

Anonymous,  August 2, 2010 at 7:30 AM  

I hate it when there's a crumb or something in the bed! It does seem to follow you as you move too!

Glad you got some quality rest :)

Lies We Tell Ourselves August 2, 2010 at 2:04 PM  

What a great guy; his reaction could have been much different. How nice that he understands you!

Finally stopping by from the Friday blog hop! New follower.

Would love for you to check out my new blog. Trying to spread the word and raise awareness for a topic that most people avoid.

Brenda Susan August 4, 2010 at 9:56 PM  

OK, the Diva name is totally NOT a joke is it? I'm glad you have a guy who "gets it".

Classic NYer August 5, 2010 at 4:52 AM  

You've seriously got the best husband in the world.

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