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Would Sunscreen or an Oar Make A Better Weapon?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I alluded to the topic of this post on Facebook. I’m just now getting around to it since I’m STILL trying to learn my new Mac. Well that, and the fact that with all of the heathen kids we have the odds of something traumatic, dramatic and/or chaotic happening is more than a mere possibility. It’s a probability.
Last week I posted a vlog of my trip to the river with some of the afore mentioned heathen kids. It was a lot of fun. It took us about five hours to make the float from the jumping in spot to the falling out, Lewis and Clark trail, water bottle dropping, lost in the woods, needing Sacajawea, never listening to Karli’s directions again spot. 
This last weekend I had the brilliant idea of floating the river with my stressed husband. I thought it would be a nice relaxing time for him to forget about work, money, the kids and enjoy the beautiful Clackamas River. Being a Diva and all, my ideas are usually spot on. Or maybe that’s my bipolar talking and my ideas really suck. 
Jeff came home from church Sunday morning while I was at Starbucks. He began filling the rafts with air. When I pulled into the driveway and saw that he was home I scurried down to Rite-Aid to get a waterproof beach bag, some water and snacks. I was waiting in line to get a prescription filled when my phone rang. 
“Where are you?”
“Uh, Rite-Aid, like I told you.” I admit that question caused me to begin to get a wee bit of Diva attitude.
“The raft has a hole in it.”
“So, there are four more.” More Diva emerged.
“Well I thought you should know.”
By now I’m a little more than irritated. He knew where I was. There were other rafts that could have been filled while he was calling to tell me the first one had a hole!
I got home, we packed up and took off to drop my car at the landing spot. This is where I’m going to bullet form since I’m not really sure how to link this all together.
  • Dropped off my car.
  • Drive about 10 miles to drop off the truck and get to the boat ramp. 
  • Sheriff at boat ramp issuing citation after citation for alcohol, no life vests and no whistles. 
  • We have none of the above. 
  • I try to get my not so happy husband to move it and get in the river before the river cops get us. I was NOT going to drive 10 miles back to get my car and go home with Grouchy.
  • I get in the raft and Jeff pushes me out into the current. 
  • Jeff jumps in water to hop in raft.
  • Jeff screams.
 “Why didn’t you tell me the water was this cold?”
My bubble thought ( I have LOTS of bubble thoughts in my life) “Uh, we live in freaking Oregon. Have you EVER heard of snow melt?” My actual words “It’ll warm up. It’s not bad at all.”
  • We paddle more into the current.
  • We hit rapids, Jeff hits butt on huge boulder and freaks out. 
“Why the hell didn’t you tell me there were boulders in the river?”
My bubble thought “Are you an idiot? Look around. There are boulders everywhere! It’s a R I V E R.” I actually said “Oh, I’m sorry. I should have warned you. I’ll keep a look out”
  • Jeff paddles like he’s in an Olympic race.
  • We’re speeding ahead of all of the relaxed floaters that are ENJOYING the ride.
  • We hit rapids again. 
  • Jeff hits butt a second time.
“I’ve had enough of this shit! If I get hit again I’m out!”

Time for another bubble thought “Great! I left my xanex in the car! Idiot!” (thought in Napoleon Dynamite style)
  • I look at him and wonder where the heck he thinks we’re going to get out. I mean which cliff of boulders looks the easiest to climb?
  • He calms down and we float for what must have been 2 minutes.
  • Jeff begins paddling again.
Jeff asks “Why didn’t you tell me that I was going to have to work so hard?”
I respond “The kids and I floated the entire way with no paddles. Just relax. We’ll be fine.” My bubble thought “I’m about to rip that damn oar out of your hand and hit you in the head with it if you don’t stop being a baby!”
  • I finally realize that we’re going to make a 4 hour float in about 15 minutes.
  • Jeff’s sweating it up paddling away. I mean, who the heck are we racing?
  • We hit a HUGE rock shaped like a chair. Jeff gets dropped in it in a way that we’re not getting out any time soon. 
  • We think about situation.
  • I suggest that if he would come over to my side of the raft his side would lift off of the rock.
  • It works and he paddles away. Another brilliant Diva idea, thank you very much!
  • I thought I saw a huge hawk, but it was a blur since we were making the NAS-boat tour. Kinda like he takes us to look at Christmas lights: leave house, zoom, back home in 10 minutes flat.
  • Hit rapids and raft fills with water.
  • Jeff wants to know how we’re going to get the water out of the raft.
  • I stare and wonder if he realizes that we’re on a RIVER.
  • He begins scooping water out with his hands and asks why I didn’t bring a cup. 
  • I stare at him.
  • When he’s satisfied enough water is out of the raft he relaxes. 
  • I take a couple of pictures. 
  • We hit rapids and raft fills with water. Hello? We’re on a RIVER!
  • We stop on a beach to empty the raft of water. By this time the spray sunscreen can is once again looking like a weapon to me.
  • I open the waterproof bag to get my camera.
  • Camera was immersed in water. It’s ruined. Bipolar thought "Oh darn, I guess I'll have to go shopping!"
  • Back on the river. 
  • Hit and get stuck on log. 
  • Fat kid that has a crappy pool float comes to the rescue. 
  • Jeff is able to jump out and help Fat kid free us from the fallen tree.
  • Fat kid jumps on our raft filling the raft with water. 
  • We take Fat kid to deeper water so his little, lime green floaty will work.
  • Jeff tells me that he’s tired from paddling.
  • I tell him he never has to come with me again.
  • He tells me he’s having a great time. 
  • I think “Uh huh. Glad one of us is.”
  • Get to the landing spot. 
  • Get out, deflate, roll up and he asks for my car keys. 
  • I stare at him.
  • He asks again.
  • I stare more.
“Teri tell me you have your keys.”
“Uh, I left them in your truck.”
“You left them in my truck TEN miles away?”
“Teri, where’s your cell phone?”
“That was a really stupid question. You think I brought MY cell phone on the river?”
“Go borrow a cell phone.”
  • Find family and ask to borrow cell phone. 
  • Family makes a big deal about it but lets me use it. 
  • No child will answer.
  • I leave several “Nazi” mom messages.
  • Finally get a kid who calls a kid that calls another kid.
  • Wait in hot parking lot for an hour.
  • Kid shows up. We pick up both cars.
  • We’re hungry.
  • We stop at little biker bar that has 3 tacos for 3 dollars. 
  • No tables. We sit at bar watching new bartender learn how to make drinks.
  • Girl pushes wrong button on whatever that thing is called and squirts cranberry juice instead of coke into a Long Island Iced Tea. 
  • She says customer won’t notice. 
  • Bartender puts straw in drink, puts her finger over the top to hold some of the drink in straw.
  • Removes straw and puts it IN her MOUTH to taste drink. 
  • She puts the saliva covered straw back in drink and serves it to customer.
  • I gag. Jeff stares. 
  • She tells customer it’s supposed to be red. 
  • He’s so drunk he doesn’t care and downs the drink.
  • I order iced tea in a can.
  • Jeff orders beer in a can.
  • I begin thinking of how to post this.
Now you know how relaxing and fun our weekend was. 
I think that the moral of this story is to give husband a crushed xanax in his coffee before venturing out on any “relaxing” days.

I LOVE this picture! It came from the broken camera.


Liz Mays July 13, 2010 at 2:13 AM  

If ya just looked at the pictures, you'd never believe Jeff had freaked out at all!

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Coffee Slut July 13, 2010 at 3:35 AM  

omg life is soooooo boring!
Loved reading about your adventure glad noone got hurt!

Unknown July 13, 2010 at 4:57 AM  

And just think.. this blog wouldn't of been half as entertaining if it had been 'harlequin' moment. ;-)
Love the bubble thoughts, Teri!

Gucci Mama July 13, 2010 at 6:52 AM  

I am so fucking stressed out after reading that! But I'm also laughing my ass off so it evens out. Holy, shit, Diva!

MommyLovesStilettos July 13, 2010 at 7:07 AM  

LMAO!!!! Your husband sounds like a riot! :)

Cheryl D. July 13, 2010 at 7:50 AM  

It looks like you guys had a blast--frustrations and all!

Pop Pop July 13, 2010 at 10:31 AM  

Might I recommend mounting a set of handlebars on the raft? Maybe if he thinks he is just riding through a puddle on the bike he won't be in such a hurry to worry about getting wet while rafting! And have another key made for the car, and have Jeff hide it under the car somewhere using a plastic zip strip to hold it in place!

Pop Pop July 13, 2010 at 10:33 AM  

Oh-and carry a couple of cinder blocks-tell Jeff they are his life preserver

Dee July 13, 2010 at 10:58 AM  

good lord. I would have shoved him off the raft and paddled far ahead. LOL

W.C.Camp July 13, 2010 at 12:43 PM  

Sounds like every float trip I have ever been on. Always something to make it memorable if NOT relaxing. Sorry about the camera Diva, but just let it dry out for a week and see what happens. My daughter's ended up working fine. but if you buy new, get the ones that are waterproof to 10 feet. My link to a float trip story that 'sucks', if you are bored - W.C.C.

Robin July 13, 2010 at 1:24 PM  

Pretty sure if I took my husband on similar trip it would turn out way too much like yours. Glad you both made it out alive -- especially him since his life was in danger the entire time.

Way to exercise self-control!

Holly July 13, 2010 at 1:56 PM  

Sunscreen in eyes... Ore upside head... Spray can thrown at head... raft rubber banded at neck... ALL BUBBLE THOUGHTS... of course... ;p LOL!

Sounds like the kind of RELAXING anything I would have... Except I would probably just think a million negative bubble thoughts and hubby would act annoyed but not SAY anything, so I'd imagine everything he's thinking and get more annoyed... yeah... *sigh*

The Bipolar Diva July 13, 2010 at 3:10 PM  

He would KILL me if he read this post! But you all know how great he is, it was just one of those days! Lmao!

I really LOVE Holly's ideas! heehee

Babes Mami July 13, 2010 at 3:10 PM  

Your husband would stress me out!

pamlovesbooks July 13, 2010 at 3:36 PM  

you have the patience of a saint cuz i would have given him the silent treatment from the first outburst or gotten out and walked home.

Ms. Understood July 13, 2010 at 8:54 PM  

How awesome is that, two trips on the river, even though the second one was in hyperdrive, LOL. I need a relaxing day with my husband. I'm in the process of planning (cause I'm the planner in the family) our anniversary in October. All I want to do is relax.

Does you husband get massages? Mine refuses to.

Classic NYer July 14, 2010 at 12:08 AM  

I would go with the oar for sure. ;)

The Invisible Seductress July 14, 2010 at 12:49 PM  

Are you freaking kidding me? You come to my blog, I think: "Man I hope she thinks I am moderately funny " because I am, moderately funny at best. I come here and fluid is shooting from my nostrils like a pissed of fire hydrant!! (There was a couple of snorts as well but those aren't as sexy as liquid leaking from my nose,,, so I will leave the snorting fanfare for later) I can't hit follow fast enough. I mean EVEN your topper is awesome (a pill bottle is so totally where I put my loose round cut diamonds).

The Invisible Seductress July 14, 2010 at 12:53 PM  

Oh,, BTW.. The fat kid from the river called. He said he is "big boned" and would appreciate a retraction of the word "fat".


Erin July 14, 2010 at 1:30 PM  

Oh my GOD! That is so funny. My kids always ask me, "Mom, don't you think it would be great if we could all read each other's thoughts?" I always think back to thoughts like your bubble thoughts and respond with, "Um, no, I think a little privacy is a good thing!"

Glad you had a good time...don't go back to biker bar when that baby bartender is working.

ch September 15, 2010 at 2:49 AM  

OMG-Why do I so relate to this scenario?! The funny thing is, when you look at the pictures the story looks so different. Everybody looks so happy and relaxed hehe. Do you think everybody has a story like this behind all of their shiny happy pictures(and they just leave our the details so we think their life is perfect)?
Love the post!

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