Monday, August 30, 2010
My girls and I are drama magnets. Things just seem to happen to us in our own little universes. When the four of us are together we become something more like a black hole of drama. Our drama gravitational pull becomes so massive that not even the slightest bit of the crap can escape. We become our own Schwarzschild Radius.
Our long beach weekend began well enough. Nothing major was happening in the drama solar system. We took my friend Karyn to the airport so she could return home after spending a few days with us. On the way to the airport I had an “OH SHIT!” moment that made me break out in hives and almost sent me into a panic attack. I thought I’d left my 18 pound bag of medications at home.
When we arrived at the departure area of the PDX airport I jumped from the car and tore through my Louis Vuitton suitcase searching for the myriad of medicines that keep me sane. I ripped through make-up, shoes and thongs. Clothes were flying right along with swear words. Finally I found the turkey sized zip lock baggie filled with my sanity. Ok, deep breath.
Karyn got off to her flight and we pulled in line to leave. While we were waiting race track granny zoomed by almost ripping the mirror from the side of my car. A few more words were let loose. It was then that Karli informed me that no where in the Bible does it say that “colorful” language is prohibited.
“Mom, it only says that you can’t take the Lord’s name in vain. You can say effity, effity, eff, eff, eff all you want. So don’t worry, you’re not walking the heaven/hell tight rope like Dad says you are.”
"HE SAYS WHAT?"
"Never mind Mom, you're cool."
Turns out it was good thing she shared that little nugget. It was going to be an effity, effity, eff, eff, eff kind of day. It smoothed out a little after we left the airport. We were having a normal mother-daughters type of conversation.
Me: “I’m glad I have my Ativan.”
Karli: “Mom if you wanted something to act faster than swallowing an Ativan you could try crushing a Xanex and snorting it,”
Me: “And you know this how?”
Seems I wasn’t being listened to. As Nikki was doing the two-fisted downing of coffee cake and a sausage sandwich, Karli and Michelle were arguing over grammar and snorting vicodin. They weren't actually snorting vicodin, just arguing over the proper technique.
"Don't worry Mom. We learned about it watching Intervention." I calmed....a bit.
The only thing I could think of was that I had three more hours of driving stuck in this scene.
All was right with our universe for the next few hours. Then we decided to stop by the casino. I found a machine, put in forty dollars and pressed the button. All the girls were watching when the machine hit and we won some decent money. We cashed out and went to retrieve our winnings.
I was counting the crisp hundred dollar bills when Michelle said this creepy guy was watching me. Ok, the casinos are filled with creepy guys, no big deal. Well Creepy Guy followed us through the maze of machines, down the escalator and to the bathroom. Now it was a big deal.
As I sat in the little stall reading the “please dispose of all personal protection underwear in the trash can” sign on the back of the door, and trying not to gag, I decided we need to to go to security. Evidently the girls had the same stellar idea. We left the bathroom and made a bee line to find an officer.
A few minutes later we were safely in front of security. Creepy Guy appeared to be no where in sight.
Me: “Can we have someone escort us to our car?”
Security Lady stares at me.
Me: “We just won some money and this creepy guy watched us cash out and is following us.”
Security Lady: “What does he look like?”
Me: “Well he’s creepy.”
Security Lady: “Ma’am we have a lot of creepy guys here. Can you be a little more specific?”
Michelle then described Creepy Guy and happened to spot him lurking around and pointed him out to Security Lady.
Security Lady called Security Supervisor. Security Supervisor appeared and walked us to our car. On the way he asked about Creepy Guy. Once we got near the car he told us to get in the car and leave, Creepy Guy had followed us out and had just been nabbed by Security Lady.
As we sped away I wished that I had been wearing the “personal protection underwear” that could be disposed of in the trash can. I also couldn’t help but wonder what else would be pulled into the Schwarzschild Radius of our Drama Queen universe and we still had three full days ahead of us. Effity, effity, eff, eff, eff.