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Tuesday, August 24, 2010

It was one of those days that I seemed to have a spurt of very un-diva like behavior. I had worked in the yard for hours and cut down all of the plants that had gotten out of control. I had most of the huge yard done and then it happened.

I was cutting back this huge lavender plant when the hedge clippers went dead. Holy, freaking crap. I knew what it was before I put the trimmers down; I had cut the extension cord in half with the trimmers. I was going to die a long and painful death at the hands of my husband and a half of an extension cord.

That experience reminded me of another one several years earlier. When we built this house we only had 5 kids, but had enough foresight to install two dishwashers in the main kitchen. They worked well for years before being beaten to death by many gorilla-like, door slamming, plate smashing kids.

I went to the appliance store and purchased two very expensive, high-end dishwashers figuring that the more money I spent, the more weeks I would gain in the long run, yes weeks not years.

The dishwashers arrived and the plumber was backed up for weeks. I couldn't wait. Lots of kids with no dishwasher doesn't work, and I DON'T do dishes. Over the years I've repaired electrical problems, installed disposals, wired for electrical switches, and repaired the garage door openers, so I figured I could handle installing a dishwasher or two.

I helped the kids bring the first of the dishwashers upstairs and removed it from it's carton. I disconnected the first dishwasher, well mostly. We got to the water line and I asked one of my, to remain nameless, sons to turn off the water line that was located under the sink. That's where I made my first crucial mistake, I forgot to tell him there were two cut off switches, one for the inside water and the other for the outside deck water line. Yeah, you guessed it, he turned off the wrong line.

Just as I turned the wrench to disconnect the line water began to spray everywhere. The water line was hissing and dancing like a cobra being mesmerized by it's handler, except this was more dangerous than the cobra.

As I tried to catch the jumping water line I screamed to Cole, whoops I guess I did name him, to turn off the right line. He couldn't find it. I was trying to crimp the line and it wouldn't happen. Then I was tried to hold my finger over the end of the line that was spraying water at 80 psi. Not sure if you've ever tried that, but it doesn't work.

I screamed for someone to go turn off the water line out in the front yard, not remembering that one was only for the sprinkler system and the whole shut-off was downstairs, under the house. There was no EFFIN way I was calling Jeff, he wouldn't know that gallons of water were spraying under our beautiful hardwood floor.

"Cole, go get the BLEEPING neighbor!", "Karli, Michael and Nikki, get some GD BLEEPING towels!" and then I had to admit defeat and told Joshua to "BLEEPING call his BLEEPING father" and ask where the GD water line was.

The one I needed was under the sink, 18 inches from me. It was behind a bottle of Cascade detergent. Finally Karli, or someone, turned off the water. I was drenched, my hair looked like a wet llama and my makeup was running down my face. I turned to see my kids wide eyed, open mouthed and trying not to laugh.

Their composure didn't last long. They began to howl like rabid hyenas. I could have shot everyone of them on the spot before I began to laugh as well. Cole was laughing harder than I had ever seen him.

"Mom, we should have had this on video, except they couldn't air it on TV. It was "Cole BLEEPING get the BLEEP BLEEP water turned BLEEPING off. BLEEP BLEEP-it. Karli get the BLEEPING towels BLEEPING up here BLEEPING now. BLEEEEEEP, BLEEPING BLEEEEEEEEP!! You BLEEPING kids better not BLEEPING tell your BLEEPING father BLEEP BLEEP-it!"

Ok, so I learned my lesson, directions don't tell you everything and always call someone that knows better. Or better yet, suck it up, bribe the kids to keep their mouths shut or pay the plumber overtime to get him in sooner.


MissCrystal August 24, 2010 at 8:58 AM  

Diva you're adorable!
I once flooded the garage 3 times in one day trying to fix the washing machine. In the process I taught my, then 2 year old son, how to say SOB!

Babes Mami August 24, 2010 at 9:00 AM  

Ahhh a glimpse into the future...but with less kids lol

Furry Bottoms August 24, 2010 at 9:19 AM  

I would have loved to have seen that!!!! :)

Anonymous,  August 24, 2010 at 9:21 AM  

we need the after pic!!!!!

Sunshine, I don't do dishes either!!! But I have kids! They do em! Go me! And no catastrophies in the kitchen either, which I wouldn't even know where that was if the fridge wasnt in there.

W.C.Camp August 24, 2010 at 10:17 AM  

Well I guess now I know why my plumber doesn't wear make-up! Extension cord cut is not so bad. With your endless experience, just add some $4 plug ends and make two shorter cords. Although for $8 you probably can buy a whole new LONG cord and use the others as 'kid whips' (just kidding) W.C.C.

Anonymous,  August 24, 2010 at 10:22 AM  

So now you know to shut the water off first right?? lol
And btw.. there should have been a shut off under the sink for that DW line. lol

Allyson & Jere August 24, 2010 at 11:00 AM  

You are a MUCH braver soul than I to even attempt this little business. And then, you're much nicer than I, 'cause I'm pretty sure I would not be laughing at the end of it all. But I AM laughing at you right now.

Great story, thanks for sharing.

Dazee Dreamer August 24, 2010 at 11:20 AM  

omh, that was freaking hilarious.

And I am so impressed that you just took matters into your own hands. Kudos

The Bipolar Diva August 24, 2010 at 11:38 AM  

Oh that's one of the days I'll never live down!

Robin August 24, 2010 at 12:25 PM  

Love it. That is totally something I would do.

Snowbrush August 24, 2010 at 1:06 PM  

"It was behind a bottle of Cascade detergent."

Ah, ha, there's your problem, right there. I use Ivory. Ivory won't betray you by hiding a water cut-off. You can trust Ivory.

If it's any comfort, the only time in the fifty or so years that I've used power tools that I ever cut a cord was about ten years ago with hedge trimmers. Not only do you have all those teeth on both sides of what amounts to an elongated piranha, you're turning the damn thing every which way and you're vision is obscured by shrubbery.

Unknown August 24, 2010 at 3:24 PM  

I don't think I could ever attempt something like that.

Unknown August 24, 2010 at 3:25 PM  

Next time I would bribe the kids not to say anything.

Cheeseboy August 24, 2010 at 4:13 PM  

I laughed the entire way through this.

I am a dude and even I wouldn't try a dishwasher.

Jennifer Juniper August 24, 2010 at 4:19 PM  

Oh my giddy aunt.. that was hilarious..
You could never air half the funny shit that goes down here, mostly for the same reason.

The Bipolar Diva August 24, 2010 at 4:37 PM  


I never thought about hedge trimmers like that! Never again, never, never again! That should get me out of a little yard work!

Donda August 24, 2010 at 4:57 PM  

That is a must have video!! Classic!

Unknown August 24, 2010 at 5:41 PM  

Ive had these days... more than I care to admit.

Christy August 24, 2010 at 5:54 PM  

I haven't flooded anything, but I have put the wrong gasoline in the wrong machine. That isn't pretty either when the husband gets home.

Jill August 24, 2010 at 8:16 PM  

Aww but what a great memory for you all! That one will be passed on for generations :)

Unknown August 24, 2010 at 8:53 PM  

That is too funny but also a common mishap with those bastards. I need to find a cordless one myself......

Grace August 25, 2010 at 6:29 AM  

I would NEVER try to install a dishwasher by myself. You're my hero.

Michelle Pixie August 25, 2010 at 12:01 PM  

I love that you thought you could do it yourself! You are my kind of woman. :)

Darcie (My Modern Country) August 25, 2010 at 1:58 PM  

Sooo funny! My husband cringes everytime I start on a project cuz I am usually "a wreck lookin' for a place to happen"

Love your blog, looking forward to reading more :)

Unknown August 25, 2010 at 2:52 PM  

You know - it has to be God to send me to THIS post right after I had myself a little BLEEPING fit here in the living room over some minor "issues" in my house today..


Classic NYer August 25, 2010 at 5:44 PM  

Haha! Classic! An older friend of mine used to say things like "Dishwasher? I have two of them. Their names are 'girl' and 'boy.'" No installation necessary.

Wendyburd1 August 26, 2010 at 12:13 AM  

Hi Diva. I saw your button at MamaFace's and so I clicked on it being Bipolar myself and saw you had Type 2 also, which feels so hard to explain to people, books my family have bought since I was diagnosed mention 2 so little. Plus my current doc thinks I should have been diagnosed years ago. Just started Lithium and kind of freaking me out.

Candace August 27, 2010 at 10:14 AM  

My kids are so used to my BLEEPIN, it's usually their cue to get out of the way!!
I'm just jealous of the 2 dishwashers! WTH?
I'm stuck with doing dishes for 6...all the while telling myself I DON'T do dishes...LOL
I agree, it should have been on video :-)

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