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No Words

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Three years ago today I got a call from my brother. I then made a call to my youngest brother and waited. When I could wait no longer I called him back. Two hours later I was on a plane Texas bound.

Three years ago today my foundation crumbled. I felt like a kite that had its string cut. I was floating aimlessly not sure where, or if, I would land.

Three years ago tonight I was sitting at my dad's house getting my drink on with my brothers. I watched my sister clean the carpet. I couldn't help her, not that night. That night I spent in the arms of my brothers we were drinking and crying.

The next morning I tried to clean the carpet. I worked on it all day with the help of the others. We took turns. We took turns remembering our foundation. We took turns trying to forget what happened. We took turns trying to remember everything that happened.

The world ended for my brothers and me that day. Our grieving father had finally joined my mother. The blood was real, the blood was proof. He was happy, we were devastated. Even though we were all in our 40's we were orphans. My Dad  traded his life for the life of my grandson.

Three years ago this week we had a Dixie Land goodbye party. Dad had chosen all the music and had CDs made. I spoke in front of a packed chapel. I was compelled to, for my dad. Then we laid my Dad next to my Mom. It felt right. They were together.

My brother texted me today to see how I was. I thought it was sweet for him to text. I thought he texted about all the crap that's been going on here. I blocked out the date. I didn't remember. I didn't want to remember.

I'm a terrible daughter.


Cheryl D. September 14, 2010 at 11:11 PM  

You are not a terrible daughter! I don't know your father, but I'm sure he'd want you to get on with your life and not waste time thinking about him on the anniversary of the day he died! I mean, any person that had a New Orleans style funeral is someone who wants their life celebrated, not their death remembered!

Your father sounds like he was a very special person!

Brans~Muffin September 14, 2010 at 11:12 PM  

i dont agree! you are a fantastic daughter!

Allyson & Jere September 14, 2010 at 11:32 PM  

This is heartbreaking. Noone should have to do what you had to do, or suffer loss in that way. I'm so sorry.
However, blocking it out does NOT make you a bad daughter. You clearly love him with all your heart. And that hurt is too much, it's ok to not want to remember how, when or why he died.

Hang in their friend. Much love to you.

The Bipolar Diva September 14, 2010 at 11:37 PM  

Thank you all so much. It seems everyone remembered but me. :(

W.C.Camp September 14, 2010 at 11:44 PM  

Your Dad would WANT YOU TO LIVE YOU LIFE. You do him honor by taking care of the living and your kid's needs. Your memories of your father are not restricted to one day - your parents are much more important than that. So never feel guilty for something that you had no part in. Remember, love, respect, but never give 'guilt' the time of day! W.C.C.

middle child September 15, 2010 at 3:45 AM  

You are the best daughter! You (and others) prayed for his salvation and this is the most important thing in all the world. Two traumatic things happen at the same time and to not want to relive it is normal. God is pleased with you. Be happy.

Rob-bear September 15, 2010 at 4:27 AM  

How sad, yet how sweet. The loss of your dad, and the wonderful words you had about him three years ago, and now.

The one thing I don't get is the "traded his life" bit.

Blessings in your remembrance.

Babes Mami September 15, 2010 at 5:09 AM  

You are not a terrible daughter, I have forgotten a few important dates similar to this and it's only because I don't want to remember. Grief is messy and not easy for everyone to deal with and some people can just pick up a week later like nothing happened and others have to remember every single date (my Dad) because it makes them feel like the person is still around.

Your NOT a bad daughter! :]

Unknown September 15, 2010 at 6:43 AM  

I do not blame you for wanting to forget something so tragic. He sounds like he was a wonderful man. I am sorry for your loss.

Unknown September 15, 2010 at 6:58 AM  

Wow. That original post about him made me cry like a sally bitch.

Nolie September 15, 2010 at 7:26 AM  

You are not a terrible daughter.

The Green-Eyed Brat September 15, 2010 at 7:43 AM  

shhhhhhuuuuuud up! You are a fabulous daughter! Sometimes it's just easier to stay distracted so you don't have to feel the pain. We all do it...but it doesn't make you terrible...nope not at fact it goes to show that your dad is so much in your thoughts that you make yourself distracted to "forget"...I know that doesn't make sense in type but I know you understand what I'm trying to say. Stop beating yourself have contacts to take out damn it!!!

Mimi September 15, 2010 at 9:17 AM  

No, no, you are not a terrible daughter. Your mind is trying to keep you from more pain.

I'm so terribly sorry for you loss.

Hugs & love to you,

Kim K. September 15, 2010 at 9:53 AM  

Your dad would be very proud of you for forgetting. He wouldn't want to be remembered for the day you lost him, but rather for all the days that he was in your life, loving you, your siblings, his grandkids, great grandkids, etc. I'm an "orphan" as well and choose not to remember the days that I lost my parents, but all the wonderful times instead.

Monkey Man September 15, 2010 at 4:16 PM  

Sounds like you had a tramtic experience three years ago. I am sorry for you and your family. Lost my father over 12 years ago and was orphaned this past March. Our lives move forward but we still feel the holes left behind by our losses. ((((bpdiva))))

The Blogging Goddess September 15, 2010 at 5:16 PM  

Just the mere fact that you can write your feeling out here for everyone to see proves that you are a person who is amazing and wonderful. Don't beat yourself up, you don't deserve that.

Christy September 15, 2010 at 7:52 PM  

It's ok to do that. After time, your mind starts remembering the good times and not the hard times. Trust me on this, I know.

Unknown September 15, 2010 at 8:15 PM  

How could you possibly be a terrible daughter? I think your just GREAT! Your Daddy thinks your just great too! I'm not a big fan of cats either, even though I have one...or so my trolls have one...and any man who'd have a Nawlin's going out party---sounds like my kind of man. Blessings to you M. Diva~

Papa K September 18, 2010 at 10:20 PM  

This is why I love blogging. You can really lay your feelings out there for complete strangers like myself to read. It's great therapy. I read your other story about how he died. I haven't lost a parent yet but I dread the day. Thanks for sharing.

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