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The Rules. Short and Sweet.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Being a mom in my world, in my Diva world, comes with some well earned privileges. After raising 11 kids all together and numerous foster kids I've come up with a few rules, guidelines,  that help keep me sane. Some of those come with a specific child that needs to preform specific duties. Others are edicts in general.

  • Iced Tea must be freshly made each day. 2 two gallon pitchers with Splenda. 
  • If my bedroom door is closed there will be NO knocking, talking at the door or otherwise bothering the occupants unless there are either massive amounts of blood involved or severely broken bones. Toes do not count as broken bones, spiral or green fractures do not count as broken bones. Bloody noses and flesh wounds do not count as massive amounts of blood.
  • Children will use their own washer and dryer. My washer and dryer are not to be used for anything but parental items.
  • Adequate amounts of ice must remain at ALL TIMES in the freezer for Mom's iced tea. This little rule got me the most coveted title of "Ice Nazi."
  • If a child leaves anything strewn about the living room it WILL be thrown away, no questions.
  • Guest room and theater movies are for guests and parents. They are  not for grubby pawed bipeds.
  • Due to past experience, anyone under the age of 25 will eat on plastic plates and drink from acrylic cups. Entire sets of dishes have been broken on the travertine kitchen floor.
  • If you wash the kitchen cleaning rags, forget about them and they mildew, you will wash them again with bleach AFTER you memorize the mildew smell by smelling aforementioned rags for a time period of at least one hour. 
  • Any scratches, dents, or BROKEN MIRRORS on mom's car OR motorcycles will result in the offending appendage being surgically removed, if it's your lucky day.
  • There will be absolute silence when Shepard Smith is on. 
  • Do not call me with questions about your eyelashes, ketchup or socks. I don't know and I don't care.
  • Duct tape can, and will be used.
  • The subject of Mom's Botox and Juvederm usage is prohibited in conversation.
  • If they shop with me they must leave the area before I pay so they have no way of relaying exactly what was spent. 
  • This is a new one, just tonight actually. Any child that refuses to shut their yap while Mom is writing or reading blogs will soon have their brother's nasty, three week old dirty sock stuffed into their mouth and duct taped.
Excuse me now while I find that sock. 

35 comments:

Donda September 13, 2010 at 8:15 PM  

I am gonna have to implement some rules like that! Bad day??

The Bipolar Diva September 13, 2010 at 8:19 PM  

Oh Donda the minions since school let out have been, well, minions. I say we need to look into boarding schools.

The Green-Eyed Brat September 13, 2010 at 8:24 PM  

Love it the last one is the best...my kids are just now learning that little lesson!

Tricia September 13, 2010 at 8:29 PM  

Ha! "The subject of mom's botox use will go unmentioned..." LOVE IT! :)

Cheeseboy September 13, 2010 at 8:36 PM  

I promise that I will never call you with questions about your eyelashes, ketchup or socks.

I can't promise about the botox thing.

Candace September 13, 2010 at 8:43 PM  

I think the mildew-smelling rag must be carried at all times to ensure that the smell is transferred to the hands and must be continually wreaking. Then and only then, will the villain truly know how it feels to stain one's hand with such stink! UGH!!

middle child September 13, 2010 at 8:47 PM  

If you love me,...you will not adopt me.

The Bipolar Diva September 13, 2010 at 8:50 PM  

Candace, I AGREE! Great idea!

Middle Child, I do love you!

~Onreeone~ September 13, 2010 at 9:07 PM  

awesome rules....I think my favorite is the mildewy rags...I'm def gonna use that one. LOL~ U always know how to make me smile....

YogaSavy September 13, 2010 at 9:14 PM  

LOL nice and loud, the last one..... love it. You rock Diva!

Nolie September 13, 2010 at 9:28 PM  

Love them all. Especially the last one.

Crazy Brunette September 13, 2010 at 9:31 PM  

Last one- YES!!!!!!

Well all of them yes... but the last is my fav!!! Speaking of botox... I get new boobs!!!

Amy J - Book Addict September 13, 2010 at 9:36 PM  

Damn..I think you need to make a plaque with those rules and pass them out to us moms! Are you sure we aren't related? LMAO
The Dame

Allyson & Jere September 13, 2010 at 9:57 PM  

My personal favorite, besides the iced tea fettish, is the throwing away of their stuff if left out. I think I need to start that one up STAT!!

Great list.

misssrobin September 13, 2010 at 10:16 PM  

Great list. That last one is the definite winner.

Now where are those socks?

Cheryl D. September 13, 2010 at 10:49 PM  

LOL! Boy, and my daughter thinks I'm mean--she doesn't know how good she's got it!

Actually, I should adopt some of these!

Rob-bear September 13, 2010 at 10:55 PM  

If this is what you're like on a good day, I'd hate to meet you on a bad day!

The Bipolar Diva September 13, 2010 at 11:04 PM  

Rob~

It's called rule the troops before they can rule you! But I really do have great kids on most days!

W.C.Camp September 13, 2010 at 11:25 PM  

Other than forgetting that 'repeat offenders' will be subject to handcuffs and tasers, I think you have just about covered it all. Maybe you should write a Handbook. Octomom will be needing your counsel soon enough! W.C.C.

Debbie(single;complicated) September 14, 2010 at 3:49 AM  

LOVE this!! Wow- you raised a lot of kids! I have three and some of these rules seem quite applicable!!

Emily September 14, 2010 at 5:40 AM  

LOL, you are hilarious. With that many children running around, I can imagine all of these rules (plus a few more) become necessary for your sanity! :)

Rob-bear September 14, 2010 at 7:06 AM  

Your response, Diva, reminds me of Hill Street Blues: "Let's do it to them before they do it to us."

Not quite, but similar.

MommyLovesStilettos September 14, 2010 at 7:09 AM  

LMFAO! This is hilarious! I LOVE IT!

Pat September 14, 2010 at 8:16 AM  

You run a tight ship. You are a mom to be reckoned with!

Monkey Man September 14, 2010 at 8:30 AM  

So many rules. Doubt I could remember them, let alone follow. The only place I follow is on a blog.

Brans~Muffin September 14, 2010 at 9:46 AM  

You fricken make me scream with laughter! Im sending this to my sister...You effin rawk!

Anonymous,  September 14, 2010 at 3:40 PM  

•If you wash the kitchen cleaning rags, forget about them and they mildew, you will wash them again with bleach AFTER you memorize the mildew smell by smelling aforementioned rags for a time period of at least one hour.

•Do not call me with questions about your eyelashes, ketchup or socks. I don't know and I don't care

lmao. right on!

Melissa

The Queen September 14, 2010 at 4:05 PM  

ok.. these rules rock... I laughed until I horked up a lung.. then.. it wasn't so damn funny..

JoJo September 14, 2010 at 5:30 PM  

Haha The last one is my fave!

The Blogging Goddess September 14, 2010 at 6:20 PM  

Did I send my rule book to you? Because I swear...those are my rules too.

Jill September 14, 2010 at 7:13 PM  

You tell 'em! There is no way to make it work with a big tribe without structure.

bluebonbon September 14, 2010 at 8:56 PM  

I LOVE these rules!!! Thinking of FRAMING them Proper credit will be given of course...seriously you should consider selling these on your site!

Holly September 14, 2010 at 10:34 PM  

Hmmm... I may have to adopt a few of these!! Only 2 left at home and I lose sanity with those minions! GAH!!

Mimi September 15, 2010 at 9:19 AM  

I may have to take up a few of these!

Hugs & love,
Mimi

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