Monday, September 20, 2010
I saw it as I started the water for the shower. It was on the crown molding. Although I didn't know it at the time it was waiting for an opportune time. Its shiny brown body and eight long legs were perfectly still, probably trying to convince me it was no threat.
As the water warmed I watched the spider as I tried to evaluate whether or not I should knock it down and kill it. Should I get the vacuum hose and vacuum it up? Eh, both were too much trouble. I'd be fine, I wouldn't be in the shower long and it hadn't moved since I first saw it several minutes earlier.
I got in the shower and after soaking my hair I turned toward the shower head to wash my face. I put my face under the cascading water but tried to keep one eye open as I rinsed the residual of the night's sleep away. It still hadn't moved. Piece of cake, no problem, I had it made.
As I reached for my shampoo I saw it drop several inches and catch itself on a silken thread. I watched as it climbed back to its place on the molding. Being certain that it would be there for awhile I lathered up my hair and leaned back into the water. As the foamy bubbles were rinsed out of my hair and down onto my body I felt safe as I saw the arachnid still securely in place.
Feeling much more confident I took my pink scrubby off of its resting spot and squeezed on body wash. I began to wash my arms and chest with the scented gel and glanced up to see that the spider was gone. The spider was freaking gone! I don't have a fear of spiders, but that doesn't mean I want a physical relationship with one either.
I looked around the crown molding that surrounds my bathroom. It was not to be found. I looked down into the shower floor, no luck. As I surveyed my surroundings once more the horrifying realization hit me. The little bastard was on me! Then I did something that I still don't understand, I screamed. Tell me how in the hell a scream is going to help in a situation like that? Do spiders even have ears?
I couldn't feel it on me which meant it had to be in my hair. Just like in the movie Arachnophobia I knew it was going to wash down my face as hundreds of other spiders made their way through the shower head and onto my naked, wet body. Ok, now I was freaked.
I thrust my head under the flowing water once more and flicked my hair around with my hands. The eight legged freak fell to the floor. Now it was me against it. It stood there staring before it started toward me. I wasn't going to step on it without shoes and I wasn't going to crush it with a shampoo bottle and get nasty little spider guts all over. The only weapon I had was the hot, running water and the hope that gravity was on my side. It was coming faster when the water moved it off of its steady course. The water had caught it! Its legs were thrashing as it acknowledged its fate. In one last ditch effort to get to me it jumped up only to be swept away and down the drain.
I had come up against an enemy and I had won. I had won with nothing but streaming water and Isaac Newton's theory. Even with my victory I was still creeped out. It could still climb up and out of the drain and come for revenge. I hadn't won; it still had its grip on me. I had to do something to ensure that it lost.
I quickly got out of the shower and grabbed the Drano. I poured a half bottle down the drain and scalded the little shit with my chemical arsenal. Was it rational? No, but it sure felt good.