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Showers, Shampoo and Spiders, Oh My!

Monday, September 20, 2010

I saw it as I started the water for the shower. It was on the crown molding. Although I didn't know it at the time it was waiting for an opportune time. Its shiny brown body and eight long legs were perfectly still, probably trying to convince me it was no threat.

As the water warmed I watched the spider as I tried to evaluate whether or not I should knock it down and kill it. Should I get the vacuum hose and vacuum it up? Eh, both were too much trouble. I'd be fine, I wouldn't be in the shower long and it hadn't moved since I first saw it several minutes earlier.

I got in the shower and after soaking my hair I turned toward the shower head to wash my face. I put my face under the cascading water but tried to keep one eye open as I rinsed the residual of the night's sleep away. It still hadn't moved. Piece of cake, no problem, I had it made.

As I reached for my shampoo I saw it drop several inches and catch itself on a silken thread. I watched as it climbed back to its place on the molding. Being certain that it would be there for awhile I lathered up my hair and leaned back into the water. As the foamy bubbles were rinsed out of my hair and down onto my body I felt safe as I saw the arachnid still securely in place.

Feeling much more confident I took my pink scrubby off of its resting spot and squeezed on body wash. I began to wash my arms and chest with the scented gel and glanced up to see that the spider was gone. The spider was freaking gone! I don't have a fear of spiders, but that doesn't mean I want a physical relationship with one either.

I looked around the crown molding that surrounds my bathroom. It was not to be found. I looked down into the shower floor, no luck. As I surveyed my surroundings once more the horrifying realization hit me. The little bastard was on me! Then I did something that I still don't understand, I screamed. Tell me how in the hell a scream is going to help in a situation like that? Do spiders even have ears?

I couldn't feel it on me which meant it had to be in my hair. Just like in the movie Arachnophobia I knew it was going to wash down my face as hundreds of other spiders made their way through the shower head and onto my naked, wet body. Ok, now I was freaked.

I thrust my head under the flowing water once more and flicked my hair around with my hands. The eight legged freak fell to the floor. Now it was me against it. It stood there staring before it started toward me. I wasn't going to step on it without shoes and I wasn't going to crush it with a shampoo bottle and get nasty little spider guts all over. The only weapon I had was the hot, running water and the hope that gravity was on my side. It was coming faster when the water moved it off of its steady course. The water had caught it! Its legs were thrashing as it acknowledged its fate. In one last ditch effort to get to me it jumped up only to be swept away and down the drain.

I had come up against an enemy and I had won. I had won with nothing but streaming water and Isaac Newton's theory. Even with my victory I was still creeped out. It could still climb up and out of the drain and come for revenge. I hadn't won; it still had its grip on me. I had to do something to ensure that it lost.

I quickly got out of the shower and grabbed the Drano. I poured a half bottle down the drain and scalded the little shit with my chemical arsenal. Was it rational? No, but it sure felt good.


Donda September 20, 2010 at 9:28 PM  

LMAO You need anger management!

The Green-Eyed Brat September 20, 2010 at 9:32 PM  

Remember our phone conversation?!? You don't need the help. I do!

Bud Koenemund September 20, 2010 at 9:58 PM  

I hate those creepy little bastards!

Cheryl D. September 20, 2010 at 10:17 PM  

I once tried to kill a spider in my room. He escaped into a crack in my alarm clock. I couldn't get to him, and figured I should just let it be. So, I went to bed. The next morning, I had a bite on my arm and by my eye. I think I might have been allergic because both areas were really swollen! Next time, I'm completing the deed!

Allyson & Jere September 20, 2010 at 10:20 PM  

Ewwww! Disturbing for SURE!!!
Glad you won.

Pat September 20, 2010 at 10:23 PM  

I was worried that the spider would go tell his friends and they'd gang up on you - then you brought out the DRANO. Da-da-da-dah!

Savira Gupta September 20, 2010 at 10:47 PM  

Just wanted to say hello. Taking a breather before I get back to mountains where there is no internet.

W.C.Camp September 20, 2010 at 10:52 PM  

That was a great story - unless you are a spider that does not like being body washed in DRANO!!
Great delivery - I can totally relate! W.C.C.

middle child September 20, 2010 at 11:31 PM  

"and then I did something that I still don't understand,.." that made me laugh out loud. This whole thing was hilarious! I too, don't mind spiders but "Stay the hell off me!" And the not wanting to step on it, and the 'might crawl up the drain'. I can so identify with this. Stay safe and next time you need saving from anything icky,...give me a call. I'll help you out. 'Course you're pretty tough anyway. I wish you peace and a pest free week.

middle child September 20, 2010 at 11:33 PM  

Lost my original comment so I'll make it short,...."and then I did something I still don't understand,..." Too funny!

JoJo September 21, 2010 at 12:10 AM  

Okay I seriously hyperventilated while reading this.

You know I don't do well with spider stories eeeek!

I'm just satisfied you showed that little shit who also got a free peep show might I add, whose boss!

Unknown September 21, 2010 at 2:22 AM  

I hate spiders. They like to sit in my bathroom/shower too.

Mama-Face September 21, 2010 at 6:11 AM  

no, the drano was actually a smart thing to do-spiders can swim.

You sure can tell a story. :-)

Anonymous,  September 21, 2010 at 6:19 AM  

God I hate Spiders!! There was this huge monster outside my house the other night and it was dark so I walked right through it's stringy web. I ran into the house screaming, and even after I was assured the creature hadn't come with me, I felt crawly the rest of the night.


Unknown September 21, 2010 at 6:55 AM  

For future note: Shampoo bottles can also be used as bludgeoning tools - just shut the cap first! :)

Furry Bottoms September 21, 2010 at 7:42 AM  

ooh oh oh oh, I hate spiders!!! I can handle the ones in the garden. Or outside. I can just leave them alone and they leave me alone. but once one is INSIDE my house? HELL TO THE LEFT NO!!! you'll find me sitting on the top of the couch in the furtherst corner away from the spider. I HATE THEM!!!

The bipolaRNurse September 21, 2010 at 8:37 AM  

Girl I was screamed when I read it was in your hair!
How did THAT help either one of us?

Cheeseboy September 21, 2010 at 8:58 AM  

Wow, this had me captivated. I hope the rotten thing goes to spider hell where it will rot in baby crows nest.

Monkey Man September 21, 2010 at 9:56 AM  

What incredible timing for this post. Picture: A soft knock, knock, knock on the bedroom door at midnight last night. My 17 year old daughter. I get up and go to the door. "Dad, there's a spider." Unlike you, she is the epitome of arachniphobia. Even the distance of roll up newspaper is too close. I kill the creature. Give her a hug and go back to read...I am wide awake. Mrs. MM, who was also awakened, IM's me from work this morning. "We need an exterminator....asap." Spiders. Sheesh.

Nolie September 21, 2010 at 11:05 AM  

Totally rational little bastard needed to die and I hope it was a slow agonizing one for having the nerve to wash your hair for you.

Mimi September 21, 2010 at 12:05 PM  

Ugh there was a 2 inch silverfish in my bathroom the other night. Those suckers can run. I screamed & my 18 year old came and saved the day.

I couldn't pee without getting itchy for 2 days!

I'm glad you won!

Hugs & love,

Gucci Mama September 21, 2010 at 1:31 PM  

I laughed so hard at this, which fucked up my little at home facial peel off mask thing I'm trying since I can't hobble my fat ass into the spa to get a facial for another week or so. Anyway. Hilarious. Glad you survived.

The Blogging Goddess September 21, 2010 at 3:22 PM  

I am CRACKING up! That is something I would have done!! LMAO

brandy-son Zen master flash September 21, 2010 at 9:16 PM  

Way to take that bastard down! I can't even explain how bad I hate spiders. I would not have been able to shower when I saw him. You're a trooper!

Classic NYer September 23, 2010 at 3:35 AM  

::singing:: out came the sun and dried up all the rain and the itsy bitsy spider got drano'ed down the drain...

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