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Something's Up

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Something’s up. I’m not sure what it is. It’s not like I don’t have choices to pick from. Bipolar is what others usually blame my moodiness on. This is more, I know it, I feel it. It really pisses me of when some blame my every emotion on bipolar.

It could be from being so freaking tired from riding for six days. Could be the kids, probably not them. Then there’s the fact that we’re reeling from not being paid a significant amount of money from work completed months ago. We don’t get paid, our employees, our subs, our suppliers don’t get paid and we scramble. The stress level is unbelievable.

Maybe it’s all of the above. I feel the restlessness, the distraction and withdrawing coming on. That’s always a barrel of fun. No one seems to get it. The more I need to be alone, the more people smother me. The more people smother me the more I pull away. It’s a vicious cycle. Once it begins it’s so damned difficult to get out of. It’s like quicksand of the soul.

I can feel myself beginning to shut down. That’s always a scary feeling, or it was before. I never knew what was going to happen or how far the spiral would descend. It’s much more controlled now. There are still spirals, just no where near as deep or dark as in the past.

The difference in this time and ones prior is that now I can tell myself that this is temporary, I may not feel it, I may not believe it, but I can tell myself that now. The problem is that I don’t want to tell myself that it’s temporary. I tend to want to roll with it.

The walk into the woods is always easier than the walk out.

23 comments:

Miley (woman:confused) September 28, 2010 at 11:03 PM  

awww, that sucks. Bipolar or not, stress, lack of sleep and "life" will get to us all!
I hope you are able to "un-funk" yourself sooner rather than later!
HUGS

Miley (woman:confused) September 28, 2010 at 11:04 PM  

Oh, and yes... rolling with it is ALWAYS easier than fighting it. Although, I find that when I'm feeling that way I go a bit overboard and people stop talking to me for a while. I don't like that part ;)

-MissC* September 29, 2010 at 12:49 AM  

You and i must be drinkin the same water. I am pulling away, Im not sleeping at all, I don't want to get out of bed. I haven't done my dishes or laundry all week.
i feel a bad depression coming on.

The Queen September 29, 2010 at 1:55 AM  

Walk into the woods,, or walk out of the woods.. either way.. the Queen is right here with you.. with a hand to grab.. a shoulder to lean on.. or an ear to scream at..

Hang in there girl... we're all here for you... it's not easy.. no one said it would be.. we just promise to be here for you..

Debbie(single;complicated) September 29, 2010 at 6:01 AM  

I think the fact that you are aware is huge..You can leave the trail of bread crumbs behind you as you walk deeper into the woods..knowing soon you will follow them back out!! Sorry for your stress!!!

Jamie September 29, 2010 at 6:29 AM  

Teri,
I'm hypoglycemic and I get when everyone blames your every mood on your condition. It pisses me off to no end either.

Christy September 29, 2010 at 6:54 AM  

I have been seriously depressed before. That's as close as I can get to understanding what you are going through. But I know that was horrible. Just know I'm here if you want or need to talk. Or just read if that's what help.

MamaTink September 29, 2010 at 9:08 AM  

I often feel the same way!
I have given you an award! Find it here:
http://mamatinkstinkerings.blogspot.com/2010/09/stylish-blogger-award.html

Monkey Man September 29, 2010 at 9:11 AM  

Fear - Fuck Everything And Run - sometimes is works for you and sometimes you just get fucked. Only the outcomes of your choices will tell you how you've done.

Suzie and Lily September 29, 2010 at 9:55 AM  

I found you through Holly's blog. My son with bi-polar just started writing a blog and I am trying to get him connected so he knows he's not the only one out there.
If you have a chance would you stop by his blog. I'd do just about anything for him.
Thanks
http://theworldofacrazy20yearoldbi-polarkid.blogspot.com/

Classic NYer September 29, 2010 at 10:16 AM  

Well... you know we'll be here once you get to the other side. ::kisses::

Brans~Muffin September 29, 2010 at 10:25 AM  

Easy to say hang in there....not always so easy to do! Its the Storms...atmosphere is off balance!

Rob-bear September 29, 2010 at 11:30 AM  

Hey, that makes two of us who are going through something similar right now. I don't have to deal with the external stresses that you do, but when I need to reach UP to touch bottom, things just aren't right.

Let's hang out, or hang in, or both, together, eh?

W.C.Camp September 29, 2010 at 11:34 AM  

Certainly adding a stressful ride on top of all that other stuff is part of the problem. I guess the bottom line is TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST. It is not like you have tiny babies around now. The family needs you but YOU NEED YOU MORE! Just try not to interalize all the negatives. There are really great things going on too - you just have to look! W.C.C.

Nolie September 29, 2010 at 12:40 PM  

You know we are all here when needed. Bright side we can't smother you since we live all over the place. Though I can try.. nah I won't. I love you too much. well unless you want me

~Onreeone~ September 29, 2010 at 6:58 PM  

I know exactly what you mean. I've felt myself going for days now, which probably has something to do with not posting. I get moody and negative and who needs to share that? I just want to be happy, or at least somewhat on stable ground. Blessing to you Teri- Always

Christina Jeanne September 29, 2010 at 7:43 PM  

I can relate. i hope you feel better soon.

Holly September 29, 2010 at 10:43 PM  

I'm wondering if it has to do with the seasons or something. For some reason, I struggle with these things in fall and winter more. Although those times creep up year round. I have withdrawn in so many directions where people have unrealistic expectations. I'm so tired of pretending to fit into their little box of what's acceptable. I have found that mind numbing distractions help in not sinking further down... although when I slow down and such... my mind goes back down that slippery slope.

KNOW that you are not alone... YES, this is temporary and hang in there!!

(((HUGS))) You are AWESOME!!

JoJo September 30, 2010 at 1:54 AM  

Giving you a cyber hug. Stay strong. I know it's hard, but I know you can do it.

The Green-Eyed Brat September 30, 2010 at 7:56 AM  

Um...what's our favorite saying these days?!?! Oh yes! BACK THE FUCK UP BITCHES!!!! hahaha! I'm gonna have t shirts made for us that say that since we are both effin crazy...I told Karli about that... she said she's like that, and you're like that...funny...we is all some nutty ass bitches!!!

Anywho...i think we need some Face talk. Cause you already know that stressing is bullshit...no matter how hard it is to not do....stressing makes NO difference in the end...besides the one thing we need to remember is...everything and I don't know how...but everything always ends up working out in the end....you know???

So fuck Mr. Diva. Fuck the kids. Fuck the dead beat who isn't paying his bill...tell him, your bestie is a Mexican armed with a box of matches and a can of that shit they use to spray on charcoals to make them catch fire quicker...I don't know what it's called but you know what I'm talking about...point is...if you ain't getting paid...then he don't need to live in the nice digs you made him! We can keep all this shit real even Steven!!!

In the end, the answer to life is PINEAPPLE INFUSED PATRON!!!
(I can't go back to that bar...it makes think of you and miss you. I have decided that is our bar and I can never go there again without you because it's cheating. :( )

Oh and for the record...saying anywho is just as gay as saying lol..so now we're even!!!

Brenda Susan September 30, 2010 at 4:18 PM  

I am positive you can blame all those situations rolled together for a mood alteration! C'mon, just physical tiredness makes me think bleary! Then add the $$ stress and there you go. Black moods.

My heart and thoughts are with you Diva, along with some refreshing flavored prayers!

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