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It's Been Six Years

Monday, October 11, 2010

Six years ago tonight the angels came for Isaiah. We had prayed for weeks for his Creator to take him home, to end his pain. When the memories come I push them away. It's still too difficult to think about what really happened.

When I think of his feeding tube being removed it kills me. Herpes destroyed all of his brain except for the most basic of functions. The only way for him to be at peace was to remove the tube or overdose him on his pain meds. To see my grandson starve to death is a picture I want to forget forever. To hear him crying and be told it was only a reflex devastated me.

The child was never laid down, he was always in arms or snuggled up to his mommy at night. We had plenty of waiting arms for him to be passed to. We had a lifetime of love to give him in a very short time.

I remember the day the doctors told us that he would never be perfect. I told them that perfect to us and perfect to them was different. Perfect to us was as simple as sharing an ice cream cone with his grandfather. That was before they told us he would die.

I couldn't be at the last meeting with the doctors to hear that news. I knew that's what they would say and I didn't have the strength to hear them utter the words. We brought Isaiah home that night and waited. We waited and watched. We waited and prayed. We waited and cried.

Then there came the moment when my daughter took him into her arms and put the stethoscope to his heart and there was no beat, there was no pulse. He was gone.

We waited again. We waited for the men in the black van to come and take Isaiah. We passed him around. We kissed him. We loved him physically for the last time and we cried. When the men came for him my daughter carefully and lovingly strapped him into his car seat. We covered his tiny body with his blanket and we cried.

At his viewing we saw the tiny angel in his tiny bed that would hold him now. We wrote him letters, we gave him trinkets and we cried.

At his memorial service we were amazed at the packed seats. Isaiah touched more people in his short life than most people do in a life time. We cried.

At his burial his grandfather took the shovel and covered him with the earth that would keep him warm for eternity and we cried.

Today the pain remains but the tears are few, they hurt too much, they remind us of that time.

Today I'm thankful for the time we had with him. I'm thankful that our family is stronger. I'm thankful that nothing that bad can happen to us again. I'm thankful we have a new perspective on our current problems. Once you've lost a tiny grand child nothing can be as bad, nothing as traumatic.

One day I'll be able to look at his pictures again. We wait until we can see him again. We wait until we can hold him again. We wait and inside we cry.

20 comments:

Michelle Pixie October 11, 2010 at 4:34 PM  

I wish I could come and wrap my arms around you and give you a big hug. I hope that you are all gathering to celebrate his short but impactive life tonight. Moments like these really do put things in perspective and make you see them in a completely different light. XXOO

Dazee Dreamer October 11, 2010 at 4:36 PM  

omg, I can't even imagine how awful that would be. My thoughts are with you on this sad yet special day.

Pat October 11, 2010 at 4:44 PM  

I can NOT imagine your grief, nor your daughter's. I am SO sorry for your loss. I did not know that herpes could do this.

This was a beautiful memorial.

Mimi October 11, 2010 at 5:08 PM  

There are no words to help your pain, but I will be praying for you.

Hugs & love,
Mimi

Crisc @ Jus Keep Smiling October 11, 2010 at 5:26 PM  

I'm sorry for your loss, such a sad story *hugs*

Unknown Mami October 11, 2010 at 6:41 PM  

Just reading about the experience makes my whole being ache. I can not imagine what you all went through. Sending you love.

Sherilin Riley October 11, 2010 at 7:11 PM  

you might not have tears now, but i sure have some for you. crying over my keyboard now...

Crazy Brunette October 11, 2010 at 7:17 PM  

Oh God...

I can't find the words babe... I love you. Hug and kiss everybody there from the Crazy Brunette...

Jessica Warrick October 11, 2010 at 8:27 PM  

Oh i am so very sorry for you. you have dealt with alot of pain and i could nto imagine having to live through that. I wish i could do something to ease your pain. God bless you and your family i know that it was very painful for you to write that but im glad i was able to read it. you will be joined with him one day in heaven. sending you lots of love.

Daisygirl October 11, 2010 at 8:48 PM  

This was a beautiful post. My eyes are totally tearing and my heart aches for you and your entire family. I could never imagine the pain of losing a child especially in that painful of a way.
I am thinking about you all and your angel is in a better place. A place with no pain, a place where he can lay down and be comfortable. ♥ ya~

Lacy October 11, 2010 at 9:10 PM  

I'm so sorry for your loss. I came across your blog on the Tuesday Train. You and your family are in my prayers.

http://raisingrichmeiers.blogspot.com

The Bipolar Diva October 11, 2010 at 9:19 PM  

You all are so awesome and you're making me tear up. I love you all.

middle child October 11, 2010 at 9:23 PM  

I am glad that you know you will see him again, and hold him. He is happy now. Rejoice in that. God hears your crying even if you hold it in. Blessings.

misssrobin October 11, 2010 at 10:39 PM  

My heart and prayers are with you tonight. You will face the pain and deal with it when the time is right for you. Trust your heart on the timing; you have a very good heart.

I believe you will see and hold him again. I am glad you do, too.

May God bless you at this difficult time.

Tricia October 12, 2010 at 6:55 AM  

Reading this makes my heart hurt.

I'm so sorry for your family but I'm proud that you are remembering and being thankful for the time you did have.

cornflakegirl74 October 12, 2010 at 1:09 PM  

:*( This post is beautiful and leaves me with goosebumps. I'm so sorry to hear your family had to experience this world of hurt. There's really nothing I can say that can take some of that pain away from you... but I just wanted to send you virtual *HUGS.*

Patricia October 18, 2010 at 8:31 PM  

I am so so sorry for your loss....

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