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Why Don't You Tell Me?

Monday, October 11, 2010

Enough of that depression and shit, I have a decision to make. That would be to medicate or not to medicate. Boooooring you may be saying. Not so fast, the bipolar life is anything BUT boring. It can be quite fun actually.

I mean before I was medicated I was mostly in a manic state, it was awesome. There was shopping, lots and lots of shopping. Not just ordinary shopping but $300 dollar bra and $175 thong shopping, $1000 Manolo, Louboutin and Chanel shopping, diamonds and platinum shopping and the list goes on. How in the hell do you think I got the name ”Diva” anyway?

I was friendly, outgoing and a hell of a lot of fun. My husband says a little too friendly and outgoing, he said I was flirty. Seriously, me flirty? HA, well maybe a little, especially after a few T&T’s.

The lows didn’t come along too often, but when they came they blew the lights out of everything. It was a dark and scary place. I wasn’t afraid of it then, I rolled with it until it turned around. There came a time though that rolling with it became hard to do. I won’t bore you to death with all the details, but let’s just say that even though I wasn’t scared, I scared the hell out of my family.

The meds evened it all out, mostly. As soon as I thought I got the right cocktail, not my Tanqueray and Tonic, but the A,B,C’s of my myriad of magical medications, something would change. There would be a weird side effect that really pissed me off. I don’t do pissed off well, it’s a Diva thing I’m thinking.

I started a miracle medication a couple of months ago. It freaking worked! I was back and I was back full force without the scary places. Then this little irritant happened, and you all know that I don’t do irritants. I started not being able to swallow, I don’t know about you, but I kinda like to be able to actually eat and not choke.

So yet another med was prescribed to counter act the side effects. That brought the total to nine freaking medications a day! Managing all that crap really cuts into my Diva Days, which is unacceptable.

This new med freaked me out, I mean totally freaked me out. Yes I could swallow again, but I couldn’t remember anything, I had hallucinations (which could have been sorta fun had I known what the hell they were), and I nearly ended up in the ER several times. All this in just 3 days. Fun times, yeah NOT.  That med has found it’s way through my plumbing and into the Willamette River. Let the fish be freaked out and not me. I'm laughing imagining Timothy Leary turned Mr. Limpett.

So here’s the dilemma. Do I stay on the miracle med and think I’m going to choke on my own tongue, do I stop the miracle med and look for something else, or do I start from scratch?

Hopping on the crazy train again might not be so bad. I could sell tickets and get enough money to buy all the Manolos, LV and Chanel I want. Hell I could have my own reality show and rake in the shopping bucks. As tempting as that all might be I know enough to know that I can’t let that happen. I’m running out of room in my closet for one and for another I now realize how scary the scary places really are.

So what would you do?


Robin October 11, 2010 at 10:54 PM  

Ugh. I hope you can figure something out. The medication dance is exhausting and not nearly as fun as it sounds.

Aren't they supposed to have all this figured out by now? And aren't we supposed to be flying everywhere we go like the Jetsons by now?

SciFi really got this wrong.

Noey October 11, 2010 at 11:07 PM  

Get the reality show.

Seriously though, sorry you're in a tough place. Luckily my meds are mostly sorted out (tired a lot but I'll live). If it was me, I'd dump the miracle med and/or start over.

Crisc October 12, 2010 at 2:40 AM  

That's why I dont take meds..wanna get rid of depression and end up w/ another problem. I seem to have it in my head I can fix myself (hasnt happened yet)

I would look for somethin else cause choking on your own tongue doesnt sound good..

Kristy October 12, 2010 at 5:06 AM  

I have changed pdocs because of things such as over medicating and horrid side effects that messed up my life more than the bipolar. Another thing might be to get a pharmacologist(sp)? to see if some of your meds are actually conflicting and to see if your on the right dose.

Mimi October 12, 2010 at 5:35 AM  

I'd start over. The whole choking thing is a no-go for me. It took me 4 years, but I think I finally have mine figured out.

Of course my hormones will probably change soon since I'm 43 & everything will go kablooey again, but what the hell!


Anonymous,  October 12, 2010 at 6:13 AM  

well, we don't want you choking on your tongue! Are there other meds that can counter that? or just the one that gave the hallucinations?
And would it be difficult to start over and try different meds altogether?

Who knows what I would do if it were me, though shopping sounds fun ;) Haha, you'll get it sorted out.

Furry Bottoms October 12, 2010 at 6:15 AM  

Can they scale back the miracle med... would it stop the swallowing problem?

I think you'd be best advised to start over. I mean, yay, it works!!! But I want you alive and sassy as ever. So that swallowing problem throws it out the window.

Donda October 12, 2010 at 6:32 AM  

There is more than one miracle drug out there. You need to get with your doctor and maybe do a wash. DON'T DO ANYTHING WITHOUT YOUR DOCTOR'S KNOWLEDGE. I know you know that but I had to say it!

Unknown October 12, 2010 at 6:51 AM  

In all seriousness, that's a lousy decision to have to make. There is no good answer.

But if you opt to skip the meds, call me up - we can go on a crazy train together and have a reality show. It'll be MUCH more entertaining than the Simple Life ever was. ;)

Nolie October 12, 2010 at 7:42 AM  

Could they try out a new mix that would also involve less fucking pills every day? UGH! I hate taking meds.

the wid0w October 12, 2010 at 8:10 AM  

hate to say it but sounds like you might have to start running the whole meds gauntlet from scratch again

best of luck to you i know it can be hell

Unknown October 12, 2010 at 8:45 AM  

I have been in the whole "scrap it all and start over b/c nothing works right" boat. And you're right, the manic is fun, the highs are exciting, but OMG those deep dark lows are awful.

Joann Mannix October 12, 2010 at 9:57 AM  

I'm sorry. I know how hard it is to get the right combos and the right balances. Ugh. How frustrating. Do you have other options? Is there something better where you can, you know, not hallucinate and swallow? There's got to be an answer. I stay start over and just hang on until they start working again. Sending love your way.

Cheryl D. October 12, 2010 at 10:24 AM  

Those meds sounds might scary. I hope they find another miracle drug that doesn't make you choke!

Crazy Brunette October 12, 2010 at 12:30 PM  

:( Im sorry bitch... I love you and I THINK my meds are finally mostly doing well.

The doc talked about adding Lithium to my regimen, but if I'm not mistaken I think thats the shit they used to take in the 60'd during Woodstock or some shit!

mypixieblog October 12, 2010 at 1:02 PM  

Wow, this is such a loaded question... and there are so many things at stake. But bottom line (I think anyway) is that your happiness and health should come above all else. You don't want these crazy hallucinations anymore. So maybe you should go back to your health care physician and tell him/her about your previous side effects and see if there's another magical concoction he can prescribe to you. Or is there perhaps a natural alternative you could try, one that might not have such extreme highs and lows?

I wish you the best of luck whatever happens in the long-run!

Amber October 12, 2010 at 3:43 PM  

I would like those gorgeous shoes please :)

Holly October 12, 2010 at 3:45 PM  

AS much fun as some people think a roller coaster is... This one can be real SCARY!! I know I don't have to tell you...

I am currently still trying to work out my "perfect cocktail". My search has to continue because the alternative is not really a wise option. This last one I was put on we're still waiting to see how it will work out. I have to admit that as much as I wanted to just get the dose where I needed it. He said I had to be patient and hopefully it would be worth it. We had to up the dose in increments to avoid creating an allergy to it that is common when the dose is upped to quick. So I appreciated him telling me WHY and knowing what to do to avoid the conflict. I've had docs in the past that have thought something was a miracle pill and I just had to adjust.... Yeah... Buh-BYE!! Like I needed an EXTRA 60 FREAKING POUNDS!! GAH!! SO... If there's a way to get PAST the choking bit reasonably... You might have a winner. BUT... Swallowing and breathing are kind of important... So if you have to go back to the drawing board, maybe it should be with a new doc, too. ?? I don't know how he/she is, only YOU do... so go with your gut. The going OFF meds is not a good option. I just did that about a year ago for several months and things went WAY SOUTH WAY QUICK and haven't gotten all the way ironed out yet... *sigh* I know it's a pain. Keep fighting the beast!! I'm on your side!! ;D (((HUGS)))

Christy October 12, 2010 at 5:08 PM  

I'm voting for not choking on your own tongue. I know it's hard but patience needs to take precedence.

Pat October 12, 2010 at 5:49 PM  

Since I have a significant gag reflex, I vote for getting off of those meds that make you choke and finding something different. Does that mean start from scratch? Then so be it. Nobody should live like that!

Shell October 12, 2010 at 5:51 PM  

I hope you can figure out what to do and find something that works for you.

Copyboy October 12, 2010 at 7:24 PM  

Med doses are tricky. I know first hand the severe side effects the wrong dosage can cause. Plus, I've seen every episode of celeb rehab. Hope you get the right mix and kick the $@#$% out of those lows!

jenn October 13, 2010 at 4:01 PM  

why are you asking us for our opinion on this? you're the one who's living with it, and it is different for each of us. you. and your family.

if you're gonna get anybody's opinion, it should be theirs.

but mostly, it has to be yours.

Rob-bear October 15, 2010 at 6:54 AM  

All medications have "side effects." As you've discovered.

It's when you're taking meds to combat the side effects of the medication that you take to combat the side effects of the first medication, then you know you're in trouble.

BURIED IN BOOKS October 16, 2010 at 10:58 AM  

Medicate. Those highs are so much fun and you're the life of the party and so much gets done. But God the lows that follow. I'm afraid one day, I won't crawl back out of that black hole. It took me five years to get medicated properly and none of my drugs have side effects. You should move on to something else. What does your p-doc say? I was diagnosed after my kids were born so unfortunately, I've passed it on to them. We are regulars at the drug store!

Seriously though don't give up on the meds. It takes a long time to find the right combo and fall is a hard time for those of us with bipolar disorder. But I am curious, I always want to run away to a tropical island, too. Do you think that's a Bipolar thing, or a mom fantasy?


I have a book blog, hence the name!
Good luck with the meds.
I have a Jakob. And 2 preemies. And I was adopted. Weird similarities. But I don't look near as good as you! And I'm still waiting on the Harley.

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