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You're Putting That Where?

Friday, October 1, 2010

Today was eventful and not in the “OMG this is great!” way. I had an appointment with an ENT for a torturous test.

The doctor’s name was, well I guess it still is, Robert Roberts. Seriously, who in the hell would do that to a kid? My dad’s name was Andy Anderson, but that was a nickname. His real name was Julian. While I love Dad's name, and named my son after him, dad thought it was a girl’s name so he went by Andy. To me that makes sense. But Robert Roberts? That’s just plain ridiculous.

Back to the test. The nurse led me back to this room that looked like a medieval torture chamber. There was this big chair with straps, there were hoses, tubes, sprays and lots of other scary looking shit.

Then they told me that they were going to spray this crap up my nose and “guide,” another word for shove, a camera through my nose and into my throat. That seriously freaked me out. I gag when I brush my teeth and they think they’re getting a camera in my throat?

“Ok, Teri, this is going to be uncomfortable but it won’t hurt.”

I was going to ask him to demonstrate it on himself before attacking me with it, but decided that might piss him off. If I pissed him off then I’d be doomed for sure.

Since there were all kinds of unknown things in the room and a chair with straps I decided to comply.

The word “uncomfortable” had me freaked. Diva’s don’t do “uncomfortable.” I’m not sure I’m even familiar with the word but I soon learned it’s meaning.

It felt like he was putting something the size of a fire hose into my nose.

“Teri, you need to breathe.”

Tell me how in the hell I’m going to breathe with that thing stuck in my nose? I tried to relax, I tried to breathe and I tried not to pass out. He jabbed the thing all around my nose and throat before graciously removing it.

“Well, I’m not really sure what it is.”

Holy Mother of God! This is going to be a Karli moment. If you know my oldest daughter you know she’s what is known as a “zebra” in the medical community. Every freaking time she sees a doctor they tell her “Wow, I’ve never seen this before.”

“Please God, please don’t let this be a Karli moment. I’ll cook dinner, I’ll clean the house if you let me escape a Karli moment.”

It was not to be.

“We’re going to have to order at least one more test to find out what’s going on. I just have no idea from looking.”

Now I’m sitting here typing and sweating it each and every time my phone rings. If that was the beginning test, I don’t even want to know what the rest of them are. But you can bet that Xanex will be my best friend next time.

Oh, and one more thing. I heard on the news that the powers that be in Washington want to pass a bill that will force television shows and commercials to have the same volume! WTH?!?!?! Seems to me there are more pressing issues to deal with than the BLEEPING volume on TV. Use your remote people, use your remote!

Also, if you haven't visited Karli's site I'd like to ask that you go see her. Ten days from today is the 6th anniversary of her son's death.  Go give her some encouragement if you have a minute.


Brenda Susan October 1, 2010 at 3:50 PM  

Ok that is just so very wrong. I am hoping along with you that the solution shows itself before any more torture is required.
I seldom go to the doctor and when I do they tell me I have "white coat syndrome". My blood pressure and pulse go berserk because I am so afraid and anxious. So they walk away for a while to let me stay in the empty scary room alone to "calm down" ??
You have my sympathies and I am so sorry!

Monkey Man October 1, 2010 at 3:58 PM  

Well, that didn't sound too comfortable, but doctors have toys and love to use them. I have an appointment in a couple weeks that will photograph the other end. I always feel the doc should at least buy me dinner first.

Donda October 1, 2010 at 4:53 PM  

At least you weren't at the proctologist's office! Side note, I have read no less than 4 blogs since yesterday where the focus was the nose. WTH?

Snowbrush October 1, 2010 at 5:54 PM  

Been there, done that, many times over. Even had two surgeries down my nose, and chose to stay awake for them.

The Queen October 1, 2010 at 8:22 PM  

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Only those of us that have had it done.. know for sure that the fuckers are lying when they say this isn't going to hurt..

Um no doc.. and when I kick you in the nuts so hard your grandson feels it.. that isn't going to hurt either..

I had it done two weeks.. second time.. they didn't get finished before I "convinced" them this wasn't going to happen

Cheeseboy October 1, 2010 at 8:36 PM  

So let me get this straight - he sticks these giant tubes up your nose and then tells you to "breath". Are you sure that this wasn't Dr. Spaceman from 30 Rock?

Rob-bear October 1, 2010 at 9:20 PM  

What I'm thinking can't be printed, so I'll put that aside.

So sorry you had to go through all of that. Really, the doc is trying to be helpful, even if it didn't feel that way. He was trying. Very trying.

Sandra October 1, 2010 at 9:28 PM  

So what is up your nostrils? Hopefully the next appliance doesn't have a motor...kidding! Of course it won't...I don't think...?
I'm off to visit Karly's site.

Unknown October 1, 2010 at 9:42 PM  

I'll keep you in my thoughts that they find out what's wrong soon and that it is nothing serious.

Allyson & Jere October 1, 2010 at 10:04 PM  

Yeah, I'm afraid I would NOT have faired well with such a test. Me no likey things shoved up my nose or down my throat. Glad to see YOu survived though.

Hopefully they'll be able to figure this all out SOON!! Hang in there friend.

Oh, and the Robert Roberst thing...yeah, so ridiculous. One of our dearest friends name is John Johnson. SERIOUSLY? You couldn't come up with ANYTHING more creative than JOHN. I mean, that's the worlds most boring name as it is, but then you insult him by having your last name be Johnson? FOR REALS! Good thing he's the coolest/nicest man ever, so i love him inspite of his ridiculous name.

Pat October 2, 2010 at 7:24 AM  

Gag me with a rubber hose. Hope the other tests aren't bad. Or at least you get knocked out for them. :)

Unknown October 2, 2010 at 1:05 PM  

I haven't had the tube through the nose, but I've had the camera down the throat and the camera up the ass. Any of those orifices are really meant to be exit-only, but at least the 'conscious sedation' drugs are kinda fun!

Daisygirl October 2, 2010 at 9:09 PM  

oh I so have white coat syndrome as I was reading about your procedure and gagging!!!

K don't quite get the whole volume thing...dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb...!!!!

I Wonder Wye October 3, 2010 at 7:00 PM  

You are so right - the drs should be required to demonstrate (or at least have had the procedure they are peddling) performed on themselves....

Furry Bottoms October 4, 2010 at 8:56 AM  

I would have required to be knocked out before having a tube shoved up my nose. It just doesn't work with me. Once when they had to put a tube through my nose down to my stomach, I kept turning my head at the last second because I just could not imagine that up my nose!

I hope that whatever it is, that it is not serious. You've got enough on your plate!

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