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Demonic Deeds

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

I know she's ugly. But don't make too much fun of her, she's 17.


My cat is a demon. She likes demonic things like snakes. She’ll stalk them, play with them and then when she’s good and ready she’ll bring the living, unharmed snakes into the house.

In the Willamette Valley, where I live, there are no poisonous snakes. We have garter snakes. No big deal, unless you’re from Texas. In Texas there are killer snakes. There are all types of rattlesnakes, water moccasins, copper heads, cotton mouths and who knows what else is creeping around there. Point being that if you grow up in Texas you’re taught that snakes are deadly. I’ve come foot to fang a little too often and I’m terrified of snakes.

Callie, the cat of compassion, must have thought we were too stupid to find our own play things so she brought a nice, fat, 2 ft long garter snake into the house. My kids have never seen a poisonous snake, they have no fear of them.

The little ones ran off to find a jar to contain the nasty thing. The slithering serpent was a trophy and had to be shown to their dad. Soon they were back holding a 2 gallon pickle jar, without a lid. I should have nixed the idea at that point, but the kids really wanted to show their father.

They wrangled the snake into the jar and covered it with a piece of foil. Really? A piece of foil? How totally stupid was that? Bottom line is that the snake escaped from the jar and was somewhere in the house. That was almost more than I could take, but as the days went by I grew more comfortable with the fact that the snake had found its way outside.

About four days had passed when I was pretty sure the damn thing was gone. I went to get a glass out of the dishwasher, bent over and opened the door. The snake lunged at me and hit me in square in the face! It's mouth was open and I swear I saw that freaking forked tongue flicking at me. I screamed a scream that I’m sure was heard throughout the neighborhood. I was doomed to die at the fangs of a non-poisonous snake, probably from a terror induced heart attack.

Two of my kids were sitting on the couch. After hearing my blood curdling scream my daughter said, “Mom must have cut herself again.” My son shook his head and said, “Nope, she FOUND the snake.”

31 comments:

Jessica Warrick December 14, 2010 at 3:35 PM  

lol that is hilarious... recently we have had a problem with mice and after we have found three dead ones i found one rooting around in my laundry room under a towel i almost stepped on it. ugh....

The Bipolar Diva December 14, 2010 at 3:43 PM  

ewwwwwww! Mice are something else I hate!

Beryl December 14, 2010 at 3:59 PM  

*shiver*

I HATE snakes.

omg...

Dazee Dreamer December 14, 2010 at 4:08 PM  

omg. I would have died. And you already know how I feel about mice. (said while my stomach rolled)

The Bipolar Diva December 14, 2010 at 4:10 PM  

I was shaking for days after. It freaks me out whenever I think of it!

Monkey Man December 14, 2010 at 4:22 PM  

I hate snakes. The garden variety or otherwise. I would have had a heart attack. Great story just the same.

Check out my post today....you might enjoy it.

Kevin December 14, 2010 at 4:24 PM  

You truly know you are loved when the children can identify your problem from another room just by the sound and intensity of a scream! And knowing the snake was not poisonous, they probably just sat there waiting!

Brenda Susan December 14, 2010 at 4:29 PM  

Oh man, I am sitting here with creepy crawly goos bumps from that story! Yikes!
I here by impart to you the right to claim a deadly fear of dishwashers! Dishwasher phobia prevents one from ever loading or emptying a dishwasher again!

You're welcome.

Cheeseboy December 14, 2010 at 4:31 PM  

You are a regular Indiana Jones. I hate snakes.

Nicole December 14, 2010 at 5:14 PM  

OMG.. freaking hilarious and scary! My mom got bit by a snake this year and.. well.. you still need a tetnus shot!

Aunt of 14 December 14, 2010 at 6:04 PM  

Did your son KNOW the snake was there, like beforehand? Hahahaha, I know its not funny to you, but it is really hilarious-- I would have screamed bloody murder myself even though I knew it was non-poisonous. Its a habitual reflex! Like spiders... Theyre supposed to be more afraid of you than you are of them, like, YEAH RIGHT!!!

Suzie December 14, 2010 at 6:06 PM  

My grandparents lived on a ranch in Colorado, snakes were everywhere. My grandma would aim for those things on the road and drive over them, then back up and do it again and again and again until there was hardly any evidence of them left. My aunt would hack them to pieces with hoes or shovels.

middle child December 14, 2010 at 6:07 PM  

When I first got married, I was out in our tiny yard and I saw a snake begin to slip in a hole. I ran over and grabbed the tail and pulled. I wanted to really see it. My husband 'bout had a heart attack because he was from La. and you don't mess around with snakes there. But in the dishwasher? Not so much.

Rob-bear December 14, 2010 at 6:13 PM  

The kids comments were priceless. Perfect for the children of a Diva!

Did you manage to deal creatively with the poor terrified creature?

Oh, yes; and what became of the snake in the process?

Skepticat December 14, 2010 at 7:28 PM  

Thanks for the laugh! I love cats and non-venomous snakes. They both make great pets.

jen December 14, 2010 at 9:16 PM  

That story is awesome. I'm still laughing.
LOL!!!

Noey December 15, 2010 at 2:43 AM  

OH MY GOD. If I knew there was a snake in the house, had even the slightest worry one might be in there, I'd be in a hotel room in minutes until my house had been turned upsidedown. Snakes, poisonous or not, are my BIGGEST fear. I probably would be locked in a padded room in a medical facility if I ever had one jump out at me like that. Jesus.

Mad Mind December 15, 2010 at 4:30 AM  

LMAO!! You never what will be hiding in the dishwasher.

MarkD60 December 15, 2010 at 4:48 AM  

What a life you have!
I have a sad story about a teeny snake, as big as a worm, that I found, then I let him go. Years later, I found a big snake under the porch, and killed it. Then it occurred to me that it might have been that same little teeny baby snake. I still feel bad about it.

Speaking of cats, on You Tube, check out Simons Cat, they are animations that are really good.

Dee December 15, 2010 at 6:24 AM  

Oh lawd...girl I would have died right then and there! I doubt I could have slept in my house knowing there was a snake loose somewhere though lol!

The Bipolar Diva December 15, 2010 at 9:29 AM  

Uh oh Mark, that might be bad karma!

Mimi December 15, 2010 at 10:28 AM  

You just made me pee my pants! Hugs to you & your kitty.

Mimi

Ms Batman December 15, 2010 at 11:37 AM  

Sympathy is not their strong suit is it?
I moved out of a house after finding three snakes. Two in the attic, one in the laundry room. Sure there are some who claim I just gave up, but hello?! They were snakes!

Day 2 Day Living December 15, 2010 at 3:16 PM  

I hate snakes...they freak me out. I think I would've ended up in the mental institution for life if that would've happened to me. I'm freaking out just thinking about it, and OMG what if one snuck in my house somehow. Chills!

Classic NYer December 16, 2010 at 12:32 AM  

I'm loving how nonchalant your kids were...

Laurie Wallin December 16, 2010 at 10:13 AM  

ahhhhhhh! That is the absolute worst ever! shivering with the grossness. I say we send our wild little snake and bug collecting kiddos off somewhere for a break this Christmas...

blueviolet December 17, 2010 at 10:23 AM  

You screamed from near snake death, and they had a calm conversation on the couch in the other room. Hysterical!!!!

Holly December 18, 2010 at 5:44 AM  

WOW!! I think I'd be less than calm, too... KIDS and their creepy crawly slithery THINGS!!! BLEH!

Your cat is 17! That's pretty amazing!! My dogs do the same thing, so I guess they're demonic, too... So demonic things give me comfort.... Hmmmm.... LOL! ;p

Impulsive Addict December 19, 2010 at 6:15 PM  

I'm stalking via Gucci.

i HATE snakes and if that would have happened to me, they would have had to call 9-1-1 to revive me.

Now I'm all kinds of freaked out. I may not sleep tonight.

Pat December 21, 2010 at 7:10 PM  

I would have chopped that sucker up into bite sized pieces and served it to those kids for dinner. Damn!

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