Friday, December 3, 2010
These are two old pieces but they describe what's going on. I'm sinking here and holding on has been difficult. My writings are jumbled, as are my thoughts. Just thought I'd fill you in on why I've been sporadic here. The actions described below have not taken place, but are in the forefront of my mind. I'll say that I'm safe and that all things that can cause harm have been locked away or thrown away.
For me, being bipolar brings mixed feelings. I'm usually on the manic side, loving life and having fun. I treasure that part of me. The the flip side is the dark. Darkness is coming and I'm trying my best to fend it off. The good thing is that I now can recognize the signs and take preventative action.
Even through the fog the vision was clear, unsettling and necessary.
Through the haze I heard the call and followed the echo of my name that was being repeated in the heavy, thick air that surrounded me.
Time had been suspended in those eternal minutes and the distraction that followed was a welcome relief from the bombardment.
The movements were smooth and deliberate. Emotion was numbed and release was imminent.
Seeing the effect of those carefully placed strokes was strangely calming and despair was banished.
The cause and effect has been burned into my soul and will not fade from memory.
Although unorthodox in it's delivery, the ethereal peace that flooded my mind and body was as life giving as the crimson drops that fled the open wounds.
The whirlwind that surrounded this peace was for a time stifled, the world had stopped and I was allowed to catch my breath.
I'm left to contemplate the actions and the benefits and wonder if another time I shall surrender to it's spell.
I think tonight will be a night for a bottle of wine, Blue Six in the CD player and a very hot, very long bubble bath.
My heart feels like it's turning, beats skipping.
I'm fighting the allure of what's become my escape. Maybe I shouldn't fight it, but give in and let it envelope me in its calm.
I would slip beneath the foamy water and feel the heat cover every inch of my body only to look down and see my long blond tresses floating beneath bubbles that have been mixed with crimson threads.