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The Storm Has Come

Friday, December 3, 2010

These are two old pieces but they describe what's going on. I'm sinking here and holding on has been difficult. My writings are jumbled, as are my thoughts. Just thought I'd fill you in on why I've been sporadic here. The actions described below have not taken place, but are in the forefront of my mind. I'll say that I'm safe and that all things that can cause harm have been locked away or thrown away.

For me, being bipolar brings mixed feelings. I'm usually on the manic side, loving life and having fun. I treasure that part of me. The the flip side is the dark. Darkness is coming and I'm trying my best to fend it off. The good thing is that I now can recognize the signs and take preventative action.


 Unorthodox:

Even through the fog the vision was clear, unsettling and necessary.


Through the haze I heard the call and followed the echo of my name that was being repeated in the heavy, thick air that surrounded me. 

Time had been suspended in those eternal minutes and the distraction that followed was a welcome relief from the bombardment. 

The movements were smooth and deliberate. Emotion was numbed and release was imminent. 

Seeing the effect of those carefully placed strokes was strangely calming and despair was banished. 

The cause and effect has been burned into my soul and will not fade from memory.

Although unorthodox in it's delivery, the ethereal peace that flooded my mind and body was as life giving as the crimson drops that fled the open wounds. 

The whirlwind that surrounded this peace was for a time stifled, the world had stopped and I was allowed to catch my breath. 

I'm left to contemplate the actions and the benefits and wonder if another time I shall surrender to it's spell.


Calm:

I think tonight will be a night for a bottle of wine, Blue Six in the CD player and a very hot, very long bubble bath.

My heart feels like it's turning, beats skipping. 

I'm fighting the allure of what's become my escape. Maybe I shouldn't fight it, but give in and let it envelope me in its calm.

I would slip beneath the foamy water and feel the heat cover every inch of my body only to look down and see my long blond tresses floating beneath bubbles that have been mixed with crimson threads.

16 comments:

Pam December 3, 2010 at 2:50 PM  

Oh god I've been there. What you're describing is very familiar to me. Its so hard because most of the time the depression part (to me) means comfort. Its hard not to let it take charge because oftentimes its the only peace I get and I embrace it. Hang in there. Rest your head on top of the bubbles. I'm here for you.

jen December 3, 2010 at 3:15 PM  

I can't even imagine how hard this is.
But remember you're strong. That's why you ride a Harley. Channel that.

Monkey Man December 3, 2010 at 3:19 PM  

Written like a poet. Very raw emotion. Know you are supported, wanted, needed and loved. Many care.

Karen Mortensen December 3, 2010 at 5:16 PM  

Stay strong. I am here for you. I just went through a bad spell myself.

Suzie December 3, 2010 at 5:30 PM  

Hang on there is always a sunrise after the storm!

YogaSavy December 3, 2010 at 6:58 PM  

raw and honest emotions. You are strong and will come through. Many out there need you ..... Lots of love

The Bipolar Diva December 3, 2010 at 8:27 PM  

Thank you so much for all of your support. The light will come again.

Cheeseboy December 3, 2010 at 9:43 PM  

i think you need a good long ride on your Harley to clear your mind. Wishing you the best.

Nicole December 4, 2010 at 4:57 AM  

I wish I had the proper words of encouragment for you, but I know it is just something you have to work through. The beauty of this darkness - it makes you appreciate the light.

I am thinking of you, and hoping the fog clears and you can return to the amazing diva that we know you are!

MarkD60 December 4, 2010 at 5:14 AM  

Hope you make it back to the light side soon.

Mad Mind December 4, 2010 at 7:42 AM  

I'm here for you.I'll be here when you are ready to talk.

Waning Woman December 4, 2010 at 10:12 AM  

Though this comes from a dark place, its beautifully written. Very moving

Classic NYer December 5, 2010 at 4:40 PM  

Take my hand when you need it. That's why I have them.

Classic NYer December 5, 2010 at 4:41 PM  

Take my hand when you need it. That's why I have them.

Holly December 6, 2010 at 12:47 AM  

You have such a way with words even in a storm!! WOW!! Keep your head above the water... You're LOVED!!

(((HUGS)))

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