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So Not Good

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Today is so not a good day. Thoughts that I believed vanquished forever are once again haunting me. I don't feel that I'll act on them. It's just unsettling to have them re-emerge after so long in remission. Are these demons that I'll fight all my life? The thought of forever fighting these foes is draining and so, so scary.

I feel that I'm on the edge today, ready to topple into the pits of hell. I need to get it back together. I need to fight and win this battle with the devil that's in me. It's hard, the thoughts, the words, the sounds and the relief have come rushing back. It's a battle that I thought was won. I thought I had been victorious.

I feel like a whiner at the moment, but I know that this is what is keeping me from my past destructive behaviors. The relief and peace that the cold, sharp steel brings is my tormentor at this very moment. If I gave in to it I fear losing all the ground that I've gained. But the urge is strong, almost overpowering. Almost is good, it doesn't have me yet.

I need a plan to get through it, but right now my mind just can't seem to formulate one. I'm watching the kids play video games and it's as if they are on a theater's stage. I can't get my focus on them or on anything that would be beneficial to me right now.

So far the only plan I can come up with is to stay out of my bathroom, out of my bedroom and away from the old friends that are kept buried in those rooms and buried in secrets that only you and my therapist know.

All I can do is to fight it minute by minute until the feelings have vanished. I worry about tomorrow, and the day after. I have to win today, or it will win tomorrow.

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