Friday, February 18, 2011
I'm lying in bed thinking, watching NCIS, ordering awesome sandals online and holding on to my "special" cat.
That's what Josiah calls my little kitten. You see, I don't want anything happening to the cat. When Josiah plays with the kitten he has to be very careful with it and put it back exactly where he got it.
The cat's been with me for about 13 years and comes out of hiding when it gets really bad. He's been with me this time around for about three weeks or so. I know it's weird but I really don't give a shit. The way I look at it is that it's a pet that I don't have to feed or clean up after. Pets are good right?
I haven't written much about my struggles with my bipolar on this site lately because I had someone I love tell me I was romanticizing it. Not sure how you can romanticize dealing with a condition like I have. But hello, the name of my fucking blog is "The Bipolar Diva." It's not all rainbows and unicorns and I really resent the fact that I have to have a "secret blog" to let out the real me, good, bad or naughty. I don't like having to worry about what people think of me, because that's not me. I'm confident in who I am and I hate that's been undermined.
I don't struggle with my "disorder" like many do, my case could be called "bipolar-lite" and is managed. I'm not psychotic and I'm not a lunatic, I'm barely "borderline" bipolar. I live a normal life in a normal neighborhood and have never been hospitalized other than going to the ER after my parents died, Isaiah died and two grand babies were born three months early all in a short period of time.
The biggest mountain I face with the disorder is that my moods can be up and down a little more than the typical person. But the diagnosis itself can throw wrenches into a few things.
The biggest wrench is my medication. I felt SO much better before I began taking it and I'm thinking about stopping most of it. I made it for 45 years without being medicated, I think I can make it for 45 more. I want my life back, I want the side effects out of the way.
I'm not so sure, as a matter of fact I know, that's it's not my bipolar that has it's grip on me now. I've had to make some major decisions lately that will affect not only my life, but the lives of those around me and that's taken a lot out of my soul. It's left me exhausted and feeling alone and confused, not to mention scared and cautious about what lies ahead of me.
By nature I'm friendly, outgoing and daring. Lately I've been more withdrawn and wary. I don't like that, it's not me and I won't live that way. I'm usually creative and fun, but that's been scarce, probably another reason I haven't written as much on here lately.
Why did I tell you all this? I have no idea. I guess I'm just processing and tired of hiding.