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Can Thinking Be Dangerous?

Friday, February 18, 2011

I'm lying in bed thinking, watching NCIS, ordering awesome sandals online and holding on to my "special" cat.

That's what Josiah calls my little kitten. You see, I don't want anything happening to the cat. When Josiah plays with the kitten he has to be very careful with it and put it back exactly where he got it.

The cat's been with me for about 13 years and comes out of hiding when it gets really bad. He's been with me this time around for about three weeks or so. I know it's weird but I really don't give a shit. The way I look at it is that it's a pet that I don't have to feed or clean up after. Pets are good right?

I haven't written much about my struggles with my bipolar on this site lately because I had someone I love tell me I was romanticizing it. Not sure how you can romanticize dealing with a condition like I have. But hello, the name of my fucking blog is "The Bipolar Diva." It's not all rainbows and unicorns and I really resent the fact that I have to have a "secret blog" to let out the real me, good, bad or naughty. I don't like having to worry about what people think of me, because that's not me. I'm confident in who I am and I hate that's been undermined.

I don't struggle with my "disorder" like many do, my case could be called "bipolar-lite" and is managed. I'm not psychotic and I'm not a lunatic, I'm barely "borderline" bipolar. I live a normal life in a normal neighborhood and have never been hospitalized other than going to the ER after my parents died, Isaiah died and two grand babies were born three months early all in a short period of time. 

The biggest mountain I face with the disorder is that my moods can be up and down a little more than the typical person. But the diagnosis itself can throw wrenches into a few things.

The biggest wrench is my medication. I felt SO much better before I began taking it and I'm thinking about stopping most of it. I made it for 45 years without being medicated, I think I can make it for 45 more. I want my life back, I want the side effects out of the way.

I'm not so sure, as a matter of fact I know, that's it's not my bipolar that has it's grip on me now. I've had to make some major decisions lately that will affect not only my life, but the lives of those around me and that's taken a lot out of my soul. It's left me exhausted and feeling alone and confused, not to mention scared and cautious about what lies ahead of me.

By nature I'm friendly, outgoing and daring. Lately I've been more withdrawn and wary. I don't like that, it's not me and I won't live that way. I'm usually creative and fun, but that's been scarce, probably another reason I haven't written as much on here lately.

Why did I tell you all this? I have no idea. I guess I'm just processing and tired of hiding.


Mrs. Indecisive February 18, 2011 at 10:44 PM  

I think things like this come in phases. This too shall pass.

Builder6 February 18, 2011 at 10:57 PM  

Anyone who has ever had, lived with someone who has had, or is a loved one or relative of someone who is Bi Polar knows that there isn't a damn thing romanticized about it.
My sister died because of it. Her husband lost his wife because of it. I lost my only living relative because of it. I watched her struggle a lifetime with it. There are times when I deal with similar symptoms that she had and it scares me to death.
Talk about it, vent, swear, cry, intellectualize, scream if you have to, but do something.

I'm a bit conflicted to hear you may "go off your meds". My sister did for exactly the same reason you're contemplating doing it. I know of 4 other people who are BiPolar that did too. Nothing good ever came out of it for any of them. It cost my sister her life. Please think long and hard about your decision.
Don't apologize to anyone for what you are dealing with. This is your life, live it (like you really needed to hear that from me, you rock girlfriend, I really like your style.)
Talk it out. There are people who really do understand and will listen gladly.

Holly February 19, 2011 at 12:05 AM  

Yes... thinking CAN be dangerous... and kitty is a comfort... so be it... ;D (RIGHT now I'm sitting up alone in a resort 6 hours from home nearly in tears wishing my Jazzi-Girl (dog... this stupid place doesn't allow pets... no, I didn't pick it...) were here to give me comfort.) You know, bipolar has many faces and no one experiences it the same. I LOATHE it when people try to tell me about MY CONDITION... They are not me, so they are clueless... I see many similarities in common things with others with the disorder, as would be expected. Just because you seem to handle it better than some on the outside, doesn't mean that you aren't struggling more on the inside. I am not you, but I'm here as a support to you. (((HUGS)))

A February 19, 2011 at 3:55 AM  

You're reading my thoughts again, Diva!

I blog to let the inner me out because I don't like talking about the whole bipolar thing with my "friends" any more. They think they've heard it all before and the occasional rolling of the eyeballs makes me feel like I'm flogging a dead horse. Blogging allows me to say what the hell I want without reprisals. So, again, I can relate.

I have my own version of your cat; a bear called Broderick. He's get to cuddle up to, but crap when it comes to buying the drinks.

Oh, and yes, thinking CAN be dangerous. It should be banned.

Much love x

(P.S. I pinched your buttons BTW x)

Anonymous,  February 19, 2011 at 4:38 AM  

Romanticizing? How about looking at your bipolar with humor instead of wallowing in self-pity.

As a person with cyclothymia, I love reading your blog because you seem to look at it in many of the same ways I do.

Keep on keepin on I say.

The Queen February 19, 2011 at 6:33 AM  

Sometimes the cure is worse than the illness. Maybe drugs are not what you need. Maybe, you need to be able to think clearer.. not.. med induced thinking.

We're here for you.. You know where to find us. We're standing at the front door with open arms. All you have to do is walk across the street.

We'll leave the light on for you..

Unknown February 19, 2011 at 6:53 AM  

You are who you are, Teri.
Don't hide, it's oppressive.

Romanticizing it?? Words come fast and cheap.
Little do people know when they've yet to walk a mile in another's shoes.

Dee February 19, 2011 at 8:16 AM  

I have to do the same thing on my blog, because there are certain people who I know read it that I can't be completely honest in front of. It sucks damn it. I know what you mean about the drug side effects, I had to stop some of my meds because of that! Hope it all works out for you soon hun!

The Bipolar Diva February 19, 2011 at 8:31 AM  

Mark, about the meds, I'm so conflicted. I get frustrated by some of the side effects, but I also know that they're a good thing for me. And Thank you so much.

The Bipolar Diva February 19, 2011 at 8:32 AM  

Thank you so much. I really don't have the words to say how much I appreciate each one of you.

Dazee Dreamer February 19, 2011 at 9:00 AM  

You are a wonderful person. My daughter went off her meds because she didn't like the way they made her feel too. Sometimes I wish she would go back on them, but others she does ok. Love you man.

Brenda Susan February 19, 2011 at 9:57 AM  

Your amazing inner strength is your best med and it has enabled you to have what you call a "normal" life. You should be very proud of yourself and never apologize for blogging about this tough journey.

Even tho the meds bring yucky side affects, the friends I know in this situation were never helped by cutting back. I'm sure you take less than some, so be thankful for that and jump back into your kooky "normal life"!

I think that you are an amazing woman who is making a huge difference in this world! Seriously!

Monkey Man February 19, 2011 at 11:31 AM  

I understand...but be careful.

Unknown February 19, 2011 at 1:27 PM  

I wanted to share a link with you - this young woman has bi-polar and also Down syndrome along with being deaf, mute and physically handicapped. Has absolutley nothing to do with your post today, it's just amazing to me. Especially since I have one child with Bi-polar and one child w/Ds.

Classic NYer February 19, 2011 at 1:53 PM  

Anybody who can make a claim that one is "romanticizing" one's own life is clearly somebody who should not be taken seriously. "How dare you see beauty in your life! You should be dull and sedately miserable like the rest of us!" Fucker...

Christy February 19, 2011 at 3:42 PM  

You know I'm here for you. Just remember it is one day at a time. I know it's a cliche but it fits.

Nicole February 19, 2011 at 3:55 PM  

Yeah... I get it. I really.. really do. Deal with what you have to deal with. I also want to add that I do not think you are romanticizing...

I think you are working thru it. You probably inspire many people, and help others going thru something similar feel "not alone."

Unknown February 19, 2011 at 4:17 PM  

I'm sorry anyone has tried to make you feel bad or censor you. Want me to come over and kick their ass? I'm really good at ass kickings!

I'll be praying for you and the decisions you are facing. (((HUGS)))

Cheeseboy February 19, 2011 at 4:42 PM  

Are you considering going off the medication then? Sending my best Abe wishes as you figure things out.

Pat February 19, 2011 at 6:00 PM  

My thoughts are with you. Hang in there and forget about the criticizers - this is YOUR blog and you can write about what you want to!

Red Brick February 19, 2011 at 8:01 PM  

I like NCIS especially McGeek he reminds me so much of me. Keep babling its ok its a great way to vent and misery likes company, sometimes what you say like today reminds me of me. Wow like being there but not really being there. Like an out of body experience. Keep blogging be an angry prophet denouncing the hypocrisy of our time its ok I will join you. I look inside the dark side of my own mind, hey got a match but then again I would not want to ignite anything flammable. I sometimes wonder if only just for that moment what would it be like to be female. Did you know there are psychics that work on wall street that predict the market based on taro cards?

Miss Sadie February 20, 2011 at 8:37 PM  

Romanticizing bipolar? "Romanticizing it"? As Her Royal Majesty, the Queen, would say, "WTF!"

There is NOTHING romantic about mental illness — mild or not so mild. Nothing! Not a thing! It hurts, not only mentally, but physically, too. It messes up your life until you don't know what to think, what to choose, what to do! Aaaaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhh!

And Diva, this is your blog. You get to write what you want/need to write (as Pat said). If people don't want to read it, they don't have to. (Life is simple that way.)

Hang on to the cat, the dog, the kids, whatever helps you through this. There's a ton of folks who are with you; we've got your back, as well as your front and both sides.

Anonymous,  February 21, 2011 at 2:17 AM  

What honest and heart felt writing. :-)

MarkD60 February 21, 2011 at 5:58 AM  

You're probably telling us that because you're trying to be romantic.
I was on anti depressants for a while, and I experienced feeling different. When I got off the anti depressants, I could tell when I was feeling "wrong" or not. SO know I know that when I feel "wrong" I know not to act on my feelings.
So, I'd say if you want to get off meds, go for it! (wean yourself off, no sudden stopping)

Sey February 21, 2011 at 10:03 AM  

This is your blog and you can do and say what you want if it lightens the load in your head and in your heart too. People here will listen and not judge you and those who will criticize you can leave asap cause that only means they don't understand what you're going through.

You can go farther. hang on to that cat and your kids. You have a great family.

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