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Yes, I'm Going There

Monday, April 4, 2011

I’m not quite sure how to begin here. I guess I could tell you that my youngest child is 13, THANK GOD! Or I could tell you that I haven’t had to deal with a potty training toddler in ages. Maybe I could tell you that if I were ever to get pregnant again my first appointment would be with Dr. Kevorkian. But another pregnancy will never happen thanks to a friend of mine that’s a wonderfully skilled doctor. He gave into my throwing myself on the floor of his office, begging, pleading and crying for a hysterectomy. Thank God for Brian.

I had my oldest daughter’s kids over Thursday night and Friday. It actually went pretty well until my 2 year old, potty training granddaughter came up to me while I was applying my make up and said, “Nana I have to poop.” My first thought was, “Oh Lord God why did this have to happen on my watch?”

I don’t do poop. I don’t do vomit and I don’t do boogers, spit or snot. Been there, tried to do it and it just doesn’t work for me, or the poor kid. I was, and still am, the kind of mom that would throw a sick kid a bucket and a wet rag and say, “Dad will be home soon.”

But this was Anna-Grace. Beautiful, little, semi-sweet Anna-Grace. I was the only one around and I sure as hell wasn’t about to do poopy underwear. Being a better Nana than a mom, I pulled down her little panties and sat her little fat butt on the toilet.

Then it happened, noises that could rival the 300 pound man that had just won the chili dog eating contest at the local county fair. If you ever saw “Dumb and Dumber” you know what I mean. If you haven’t I’ve put in a little sample to set the scene.




The kid had diarrhea. Not just diarrhea, but explosive diarrhea and there was no one to deal with it but me. There was going to be shit everywhere, all over the little smiling cherub and all over my toilet. Not only was I going to have to clean her, I was going to have to survey the damage in the offended porcelain fixture.

I could feeling it coming. My eyes began to water and my stomach began to rise. See, I’m gaggy, really gaggy. I’m so gaggy that I’m the one that usually ends up puking. The seconds until she was finished seemed like hours.

I had to leave the bathroom and wait for the dreaded words, “I’m done Nana.” I wasn’t sure how I could go back in to take care of her. The odor was wafting out into the bedroom. I was retching. I was crying.

I had flashbacks of my Dad having to change my brother’s dirty cloth diapers. Dad would have some sort of make shift mask wrapped tightly around his face in an attempt to keep the smell from reaching his nostrils. It never quite worked. Dad would toss the crap filled cloth diaper in the trash can while running from my poor diaperless brother. It would be several minutes before Dad could compose himself to finish the job and have Eric cleaned, usually by holding him under the faucet, diapered and on his way.

I was at the foot of my bed looking at the sweet face, framed with brown curls, smiling at me from around the corner. I knew what I had to do.  I had to take in a breath deep enough to get the job done without having to breathe in the toxic fog while I was in there.

I was able to get Anna-Grace cleaned up with that one breath, then I happened to glance in the toilet. I started to gag, not just gag, but uncontrollably gag to the point that I had a feeling I was going to lose it.

I grabbed up the baby and sprinted out of the bathroom. I sat her down, caught my breath and formulated a plan to get back into the bathroom to flush the toilet. It wasn’t helping matters that I was continuing to gag. Dammit Dad! Why did I get your weak stomach?

There was only one plan I could come up with and that was to take another deep breath and close my eyes. No way was I going to chance seeing what had just come out of my granddaughter one more time.

I dashed in, flushed the toilet and dashed out, stubbing my toe in the process. I also got a whiff of what was left of the baby's intestinal contents. Forget my make up, I wasn’t going back in that bathroom for the rest of the day. And Nana has a new rule: no more kids can stay until they can wipe their own bottoms!




33 comments:

Tricia April 4, 2011 at 1:17 PM  

Last weekend I was babysitting my friend's kids and the 3-year-old went in the bathroom to take a shit. I told him to yell when he needed help.

After 10 minutes of heaving and grunting, he summoned me in there - not for help, but to show me the red ring around his butt from sitting on the pot so long. So I scolded him and told him that's rude and not to call me again until he was ready to be wiped.

After another few minutes I noticed things had lapsed into silence so I knocked and asked if he was ready to be wiped. "Almost," he yelled.

I opened the door to see him SITTING CROSS-LEGGED AND BARE-ASSED on the bath mat, playing with a sheet of stickers and basically rubbing his poop into the mat.

O.M.G.

That is all I have to say about that.

Furry Bottoms April 4, 2011 at 1:25 PM  

I have missed you!!!!!

I'm laughing at this post. You poor thing. Could she have flushed the toilet for you?

I bet I would have thrown up a lot faster than you could ever dreamt of. My nose is a super sleuth. The smell would probably be stuck amist my nose hairs all day long.

Jessica Warrick April 4, 2011 at 2:46 PM  

i completely know how you feel im so sick of poop i get sick to my stomach and start sweating everytime i see puke or poop..

Sey April 4, 2011 at 3:02 PM  

I have a weak stomach too and I'm glad you've endured that but I can sense how difficult is was for you.

SherilinR April 4, 2011 at 3:32 PM  

yuck! next time, have her flush it. and for the record, a clean pair of undies over the face makes for an interesting facemask in a pinch when you need to deal with something smelly, but still need to be able to see. lol! (i only know this because i caught my husband once with my thong strapped over his face while cleaning the litter pan.)

Classic NYer April 4, 2011 at 3:43 PM  

(i only know this because i caught my husband once with my thong strapped over his face while cleaning the litter pan.)

That's fantastic!!

And diva, I sure have missed your stories...

Classic NYer April 4, 2011 at 3:43 PM  

And she's such a pretty little toxic-assed baby...

The Bipolar Diva April 4, 2011 at 4:15 PM  

You guys actually missed me? That's so cool. Made my day, I kinda miss me too. Hopefully I'll be up and running again soon! Love you all!

Red Brick Film April 4, 2011 at 4:26 PM  

oh whats a little toxic shock among kitties. They make life messy.

Dazee Dreamer April 4, 2011 at 4:48 PM  

omg, I'm dying here. My stomach hurts.

First of all, is it just "smells" that make you gag, or does ummm, other things make you gag too. wink wink.

I was mother from hell when I was potty training my own kids. I actually got my 3 year old granddaughter to pee and poop in the toilet. And she hasn't had an accident since. :)

Furthermore, what an adorable granddaughter.

Andy April 4, 2011 at 5:27 PM  

My son had wiped feces all over the bath room wall once while he was potty training. I gave him some paper towels and instructed him how to clean up the poop. (Yes, I cleaned/disinfected the area after the lesson was over.)

Needless to say, he didn't do it again.

Cheeseboy April 4, 2011 at 6:39 PM  

This story was full of gasps of hilarity. I thought baby poop was supposed to be clean and pure? I thought spas were even using the stuff for facials.

middle child April 4, 2011 at 6:41 PM  

When the going gets tough,....

singedwingangel April 4, 2011 at 6:56 PM  

Oh I know the gaggy stomach feeling all too well. My hubby on the other hand has a cast iron stomach. Like he was giving our oldest son a horsey ride and my son slid off his back, laid his head on his back, face pointed to back of hubby's head. He then proceeded to puke on hubby's back, over his head and on the floor. My mom and I were seriously gagging. Hubby stood up looked at Doug and said, " Are ya better buddy??" Then walked in the bathroom and washed up and cleaned up the kitchen. MOm and I were still heaving..

Unknown Mami April 4, 2011 at 7:00 PM  

I feel ya. Unfortunately, I have no alternative but to deal with it. I was so jealous when my mom was visiting because she could just walk away and tell me she doesn't do poopy diapers.

Paige April 4, 2011 at 7:35 PM  

haha there is a very distinct smell when it comes to toddler do do and it would make anyone gaggy.

Cheryl D. April 4, 2011 at 9:08 PM  

HAHAHAHA! That was so funny! Just be thankful that you're little granddaughter is doing such a great job using the potty! Can you imagine how awful it would have been if she were still in diapers! Ugh!

Holly April 4, 2011 at 9:08 PM  

WOW!!! Thanks for the chuckle... I needed that... and yet, I feel for you... BLEH!! ((HUGS))

jen April 4, 2011 at 9:29 PM  

I don't know where I've been, missing these last few 'diversity' posts? Out to lunch, I suppose.
Someday I'll have to tell you the story of our foster son, and how the Navajo nation refused to let us adopt him because we were white. They would rather have him on the reservation with no running water, satellite TV and merciless alcoholics everywhere. I was never prejudiced. Honestly. Until I saw how prejudiced these people were against ME, for wanting to love and provide for one of their children, because no one knew who dad was and mom was a drug addict whose body was found beaten to death in the desert.
This experience soured me on foster care forever. He was yanked from our loving home, after over a year (he was just over two at the time he left), and we'll never hear from him again.
I guess I gave you more of the story than I anticipated. Sorry.
Shouldn't have gotten me started on that one.

MarkD60 April 5, 2011 at 5:07 AM  

No one would expect The Diva to do poop, vomit, spit, boogers or snot!

But I hope you didn't upset the little girl by being grossed out.

PBJdreamer April 5, 2011 at 7:42 AM  

OH my GAWD

You poor baby, I feel gaggy just reading that!

I agree with you about the "Have to know how to wipe their own ass" rule!!


that is all

Dee April 5, 2011 at 12:40 PM  

Doesn't it always seem like they (whatever kiddos you happen to be babysitting at the time) save it until you're the only one who can deal with it? Lol... So now you have me rethinking my whole "I can't wait for Grandkids!" thing lol!

Monkey Man April 5, 2011 at 12:57 PM  

Perhaps she could at least provide her own courtesy flush. Next time make the suggestion as you hand her a can of air freshener.

So many books, so little time April 5, 2011 at 2:00 PM  

Just passing through, hope you feel better and some of your writings made me chuckle. Thank you

Copyboy April 5, 2011 at 4:17 PM  

You are truly a nana beyond all other nana's. Fighting explosive diarrhea? You rule!

Recovering Church Lady April 5, 2011 at 9:48 PM  

So funny! Poor you....but still so funny! Tonight I wrote a post about people who complain they have nothing to write about in their lives. Should have used your grandbaby goes poopoo as an example of writing about life! Ha!

Brenda Susan April 5, 2011 at 10:24 PM  

Hi Diva! I accidentally commented from my other account (Recovering Church Lady). oops! So the post I referred to in the above comment is actually at this site (Walking Butterfly). Make sense? anyway.......I responded to your "church lady" comment on the church lady site. OY!

Here is what I said there.....
Some would say that your generous home would cause God to love you even more than the rest of us! But my whole point is that He loves all of us to the biggest measure possible ALREADY! Our acts do not affect His love to the good or to the less.

And if you can make sense of this comment you are really a miracle worker!
You are loved and chosen by Him Diva, truth!

RHETORICx April 6, 2011 at 10:44 PM  

lol, I love little kids and kids in general but I'm the same way, I can't do poop, vomit, snot any of that. :-( I like your blog! Hope you don't mind I'm following it.

kyd8400 April 7, 2011 at 8:34 PM  

Hahahaha, this was a good write Teri. :) Thanks for the link again. :D

Mad Mind April 8, 2011 at 5:26 AM  

And here I thought you were this tough broad. LOL!!!

Poetic Justice April 9, 2011 at 7:43 AM  

haha Diva, u always make me laugh...she is sure a cutie!

W.C.Camp April 15, 2011 at 10:23 AM  

Oh darn I will have to take you off my list of caretakers when I start to drool more regularly and need help with all those little future geriatric chores! One little tip that forensic cops use to keep their lunch down in bad crime scenes - VICKs VAPORUB! Shove it up your schnozz and all things stinky turn magically into Mentholatum heaven! W.C.C.

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