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In Bed With A Diva

Monday, May 16, 2011

In case you've never given it much thought, and really why would you, it takes a lot to learn to sleep like a Diva.  Unless, of course, it's in your genes.

From as far back as most can remember the family line was derived from hard working, Texan farm people. Somehow that Texas country gene mutated. From that mutation came my grandmother Roxie. The above picture is of her on her high school graduation day. It was about 1939. 

Oh yes, the Diva-ness continued. This is her in the early 70's. In 1977, the year lung cancer took her from us at age 56, she bought a new, fresh off the showroom floor, Lipstick Red Lincoln Continental with white leather interior and white landau top. I know, I know, but it WAS the 70's.

Ms. Roxie, known to the grandkids as Denia (long story), was all about luxury and that also included her bed time life. Denia had a thing for long, flowing, flashy nightgowns with feathers, sequins and shit and satin sheets. I can't for the life of me figure out how in the hell she was able to actually stay in the bed with all that satin.

Well times have changed. I'm all about 1200 count Egyptian cotton, ironed sheets, a silk chemise, if anything at all, and three synthetic, yes synthetic, goose down pillows. I'm not having those damned little white feathers flying all around in the middle of the night. Especially if they might happen to come in contact with my nose.

I only use flat sheets on the bed. Those "fitted" sheets, well, they're satanic in my mind. They NEVER stay put and are a constant pain in the ass. I'm not one to want to referee a fight between a huge pillow top mattress and a damned fitted sheet. Forget 'em, I don't need the pressure, or another valium.

So here's the order: flat sheet on the bottom, another flat sheet on top of that one, then a light blanket covered by a third flat sheet. I know it sounds a little crazy, HELLO, bipolar, crazy, point made. Anyway on top of all of that it a matelasse quilt.

Right about now, after looking this over, I think I have a touch of night time OCD, Who in the hell am I kidding? I know it, you know it, why try to hide it? But, alas, it only gets worse. I pull back the matelasse quilt, the third flat sheet, the blanket and the second flat sheet and snuggle in between the bottom flat sheet and all the rest of the crap on my bed.

Next I Facebook a little, blog a little, pop an ambien, a valium and lie my head on two of the pillows. The third pillow? Well, you see, here's where the Diva skips town and the west Texas girl comes back, or maybe it's just the crazy in me. The third pillow goes over my head, all of my head except my nose, my mouth and sometimes my eyes, It can't cover my nose....I mean there is no way in hell that I'm going to breathe in already breathed in, and out, air. It's just not happening. Writing about it almost sends me into a panic attack. And I wonder why I'm in therapy.


Dee May 17, 2011 at 1:54 AM  

We're a lot alike girl! I like to sleep with my pillow over my face but I CAN'T cover my nose! Hope you get some rest tonight!

MarkD60 May 17, 2011 at 4:40 AM  

Well, I got a sheet on the mattress, and a wool blanket on top. My wife has her side of the bed loaded up with all that stuff like you.

Unknown May 17, 2011 at 6:46 AM  

ACtually, although I don't have all the sheets , I do use fitted, I a quilt my memaw made after the flat sheet, a micrfiber really warm blanket another thin blanket and a huge comforter. I have to have the weight instead of the heat. I also have been known to do the pillow thing.

Dazee Dreamer May 17, 2011 at 7:13 AM  

wow. you do have a rather bed ritual my dear. but that is why I love you so much

Gucci Mama May 17, 2011 at 10:06 AM  

I just love you more and more all the damn time.


Cheeseboy May 17, 2011 at 10:18 AM  

I am CONSTANTLY fighting with that fitted sheet of ours. I will wake up in the middle of the night, swear and wake my wife up as I start tearing on it like a maniac.

Damn, I'd really like one of those Lincoln Continentals.

Daisygirl May 17, 2011 at 11:05 AM  

I actually think your sleep style may be brilliant. I never thought of 2 flat sheets...hmmm! I sleep like a burrito in my "cuddles" yes I call them cuddles!

The Bipolar Diva May 17, 2011 at 11:22 AM  

Dee, it's the ONLY way can sleep! hehehe

The Bipolar Diva May 17, 2011 at 11:23 AM  

Mark, I guess your wife and I have a lot more in common than I knew. :)

The Bipolar Diva May 17, 2011 at 11:24 AM  


It's all about the weight....It's comforting!

The Bipolar Diva May 17, 2011 at 11:25 AM  

Cheeseboy, that car ROCKED!

The Bipolar Diva May 17, 2011 at 11:25 AM  

Daisy, you should try the flat sheets, it makes ALL the difference!

Anonymous,  May 17, 2011 at 11:46 AM  

I hate the fitted sheet too, but never thought to bypass it. Hmmmm....

The pillow on the head...I don't think I could handle. What if someone breaks in and you don't hear them?

Anonymous,  May 17, 2011 at 12:03 PM  

You are doing it right my friend. I'm so jealous. I won't even admit to the puny thread count on my bed right now :(

Unknown May 17, 2011 at 12:12 PM  

Whatever gets you through the night :)

Maasiyat May 17, 2011 at 12:16 PM  

I hate fitted sheets too. Must be a secret govt way to weed out the crazies. In the winter I cover my head the same as you and for the same exact reason as you. I do not breathe already breathed air.

Monkey Man May 17, 2011 at 12:57 PM  

Nice touch with the family history. A touch of OCD? Really? That's like saying I am a bit sarcastic.

Unknown May 17, 2011 at 1:05 PM  

No fitted sheets huh??? Sounds like something I should try! I hate fitted sheets...they are indeed "of the devil".

Anonymous,  May 17, 2011 at 6:31 PM  

I need to try your two flat sheets thing!

Classic NYer May 18, 2011 at 8:08 AM  

You know, babe, sometimes I think it must be a lot of work to be you, haha...

Copyboy May 18, 2011 at 11:08 AM  

I never get a sheet about all any thread or goose feather count. Sorry for the foul language.

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Sey May 20, 2011 at 5:35 PM  

I also sleep that way with pillow covering my head!

Ixy May 21, 2011 at 11:14 PM  

Hmm I used to sleep with the pillow over my head like that too. I'm not sure when I stopped??

Your grandma sounds like a fantastic lady - sorry to hear she passed on so young.

Pat May 22, 2011 at 8:45 AM  

I am having issues with my bed now. Living in an RV has some problems. The mattress is not really a "King" - it's a bit smaller, but larger than a queen. Thus, King sheets are too big; queen too small. So my husband rigs up some kind of rope and pulley system to tighten the sheets up (no kinky sex involved, honestly). I just bought new pillows and they are WAY TOO HARD and I've been waking up with a stiff neck, and the new sheets are too hot. Where's Martha Freakin' Stewart when I need her? Hmmm....I feel a blog coming on!

Candace May 22, 2011 at 7:34 PM  

i totally get what you mean about fitted sheets. uargh. thank you for sharing about your grandmother.

Adoption of Jane May 23, 2011 at 5:54 AM  

Love your family story!! LMAO at your bed making skill. You would be horrified at how I sleep... a Fitted Sheet that always pops at the bottom my Autistic Son next to me (so he doesnt wake up without me knowing it and tear up the house) and sprawled out on the bed, while I huddle on the edge with no top sheet and three warm fuzzy thin blankets. But hey I'm African I can sleep anywhere on anything! Truth be told I'd sell a kidney for a cat nap in your bed! Thanks for visiting my blog... so true I didn't know nothing about nothing until Autism paid an extended visit!

Unknown June 2, 2011 at 1:28 AM  

I've grown accustomed to saying, "Sleeping is boring. I wish it wasn't necessary."

I prefer drinking, nightly, & popping 2 Benadryl. Then again, it's not that I prefer it -it's a learned habit. Anyway, rest at peace (or try), for you are definitely not alone!

P.S. That's amazing that you have Texas blood in you, too! God blessed Texas!

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