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Teri Anderson. Powered by Blogger.

Oh Crap!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

It’s amusing how, in those foggy moments before sleep takes hold, ideas are plentiful and always seem brilliant. As I lay gazing at murky outlines dancing on my walls, with my head enveloped between pillows, I am amazed by my own cleverness. I chuckle out loud at as I drift off to sleep. I’m certain that when dawn arrives and the shadows fade my ideas will grow more distant with them. What I seem to be left with are remnants and flashes of rather ordinary thoughts.

One thought, however, stayed with me. It’s been with me for years.

On our first visit to Puerto Vallarta Jeff braved the cobblestone streets with a bad knee, a case of traveler’s diarrhea and no bathroom’s in sight.

“Make sure you use hand sanitizer,” I warned him before we left on our trip. I’m not sure if it’s his line of work in the construction industry, or it’s just a man thing, but for some reason my husband seems to be of the opinion that he is the “conqueror of germs” and their potent arsenal is trivial when it comes to his brut strength.

I’ve never had much of a problem traveling in Mexico. I drink the water at the hotel. I eat salads and have ice in my drinks. I’m not saying that I am indiscriminate in where I choose to eat, but I do keep sanitizer handy for use before and after everything, whether it’s exchanging money, eating or site seeing.

On that visit to Puerto Vallarta Jeff actually was much more concerned than I was with what he ate and drank. He only had bottled drinks and ate nothing uncooked. Unfortunately for him he didn’t take the time to wash or sanitize his hands often. After all, germs tremble at the site of him.

About the third day we both felt a little twinge of that familiar traveler’s bug. Neither of us seemed to be hit hard, only enough to lie low for a day and recover by the pool. By the following afternoon we felt fine and decided it was time to see the boardwalk area of Puerto Vallarta by moonlight.

It was a lovely walk through the lively streets of the colorful seaside town. We had picked the perfect evening for site seeing. It was the time of the week that the locals filled the center of town and the atmosphere was that of a summer’s night carnival complete with street performers and endless mariachi music. There were children running and laughing and young couples holding hands as the elder generation watched from benches alongside the beach.

Jeff and I were laughing and enjoying the sites when he suddenly grabbed his side and leaned up against a building. Knowing that he had been having trouble with his knee I asked if it was giving him trouble.

“It’s not my knee. I need to find a bathroom, fast!”

Remembering that public bathrooms are few and far between in Mexico I wasn’t sure what to do.
“We’re going to have to go to the hotel,” I told him. “It’s closer than back to the restaurant.”

“I’m not sure I can make it that far,” he managed to say between contorting his face and squeezing his stomach.

I grabbed him by the arm and started off, “You don’t have a choice. We’ll make it.”

As I tried to take the lead and guide him through the hazard filled street he begged me to slow down, he was having trouble walking with the stabbing pain in his knee and with growing storm in his gut. We would slow only to be reminded of why we needed to move more quickly.

“Teri I can’t make it!” he blurted out.

“Yes you can, I remember where a bathroom is. It’s up there a couple of blocks ahead. There was a girl attendant sitting outside,” I reminded him.

“I’m telling you I CAN”T MAKE IT!”

After what seemed like hours we reached the bathroom and he darted in. The attendant glanced up at him before shaking her head and looking down to continue reading her book. That’s when I saw another man walk up to her, pay for toilet paper and enter the bathroom.

“Oh holy shit!” It was then I remembered that there’s usually no toilet paper in the public restrooms, you have to pay the attendant for it. In desperation Jeff ran right past her and into the bathroom.

I stood there shaking my head, it wasn’t going to be good. I waited forever for him to emerge from the bathroom. Finally I saw him. He didn’t look well and rushed up to me.

“We need to get back to the hotel NOW.”

I noticed he was drenched with sweat. He reminded me of the anchor man on “Network News.” His hair was wet, there was sweat dripping from his face and his shirt was clinging to him.

“Are you ok?”

“As soon as I got in there and took my shorts down I exploded all over the wall, the toilet and the floor!”

I was trying to contain my laughter.

“There wasn’t any toilet paper was there?”

“Hell NO! I had to take off my underwear and try to use them to clean up, and there was another person waiting to get into the stall. There was shit everywhere, the smell was terrible. Then I saw a basket filled with toilet paper.”

Oh no, I couldn’t believe what he was about to tell me.

“I reached in to grab some of the paper and it was covered with someone else’s crap! I have another person’s shit all over my hands!”

A lot of the bathrooms in Mexico have baskets beside the toilets. Their sewer systems aren’t able to process the toilet paper. It goes in the basket, not the toilet.

I was really trying to contain my laughter then, it would only piss him off more if I let loose. That’s when I noticed there was something on his shorts.

“Teri, it’s shit! And, I had to throw away my underwear. We have to get back to the hotel. You walk in front of me so no one sees my shorts.”

“Ok, follow me.” I scurried off.

“Teri, slow down, my knee’s killing me. I can’t go that fast.”

“Do you want to get to the hotel or not? Do you want everyone to smell you as you walk by?”

“Ok, I’ll try to keep up. Just go,” he said.

As we half ran, half limped through the streets I knew everyone was staring at us. They had to smell him as we passed by.

Jeff was mumbling, loudly, about uncivilized countries, no bathrooms, no toilet paper and savages. That wasn’t going to help us if any locals heard him. I told him to keep his thoughts to himself and try to keep up with me.

Luckily when we got to the hotel there was no one else waiting for the elevator. We were able to make it to our room without offending another person’s olfactory sense.

After making it to the room he went straight to the shower. Soon he came into the room holding his pair of freshly washed shorts. Silk shorts. I realized it would be better if I said nothing about the possibility of them being ruined.

He put the shorts out on the balcony to dry and came to sit beside me on the bed. I could contain myself no more and burst into uncontrollable laughter. After a few terse looks, he too began to laugh.

We laughed forever before I told him we had to skype with the kids. I had to tell them that their father just crapped, not only his pants, but an entire bathroom.

When we got home from our trip I told him he had to take the shorts to the cleaners, that I wouldn’t do it. He said he took them in and John, the owner of the dry cleaners, looked the shorts over and asked

“What are these stains?”

“What did you tell him?”

“Nothing. I was trying to think of what to say when he looked at me and said ‘Never mind.’


Claudya Martinez May 24, 2011 at 3:48 PM  

I'm at work and I started laughing so hard my co-worker asked if I was okay. Yuck!!!!

Maasiyat May 24, 2011 at 4:26 PM  

I feel your husband's pain but I too would have laughed. OMG that is too funny!!!

Unknown May 24, 2011 at 4:26 PM  

Oh I am laughing so hard my ribs hurt!
I was an assited living aide to a man who has a mild disability. We walked to the cemetary down the street on Memorial Day to see his friends new headstone. His wife and I were walking along when we saw him make a beeline to the building which he found to be locked so he starts running around the grounds looking for a bathroom. He found a porta potty and was in there forever. Finally I made his wife go over and ask if he needed help. They don't whisper they yell. "---- do you need help!" From inside the porta potty you could here "NO!" Then the wife "Honey do you need something to clean yourself off?" "YES!" Soon the porta potty door opens as a hand reaches out to grab the paper towels that the wife had taken out of the sink wash up area. A line is starting to form outside the porta potty and a live Scottish Bag Pipe Band is marching by. That's when I say "I'm going to go get the car, don't you two go anywhere!" As I am driving out of their driveway I see him come walking up. His shirt is covered in shit. I ask where his wife is. She's back at the cemetary enjoying the bagpipes! I tell him to go to his apartment and start getting cleaned up. As he walks away his butt is streaked. (I have to admit I am glad he walked home and didn't get in my car!) I go find the wife and she is happily enjoying here time listening to the music and walking through the beautifully decorated grounds. She said she told him to just go home!
Thanks for the laugh ;-)

Jennifer Perry May 24, 2011 at 4:56 PM  

That's a hell of a story, Diva!

Dazee Dreamer May 24, 2011 at 5:11 PM  

omg woman. I was laughing uncontrollably just now. that is the most humorous travel story I have ever heard.

Thanks for the laugh. I truly, truly needed it today

middle child May 24, 2011 at 7:50 PM  

I kept waiting for you to say you guys ducked into an alley. Somehow I have a feelng this shit-pun intended-is going to find it's way into my dream tonight.

Dee May 24, 2011 at 8:15 PM  

Lol I was giggling the whole time I was reading this!! Poor thing!

W.C.Camp May 24, 2011 at 10:50 PM  

Do me a favor please and NEVER write a travel blog! I'm not sure I ever want to go again to Mexico! W.C.C.

Unknown May 25, 2011 at 6:17 AM  

bwhahahah I related this tail to my hubby on the phone we both cracked up

PBJdreamer May 25, 2011 at 7:07 AM  

Oh man,I hope Jeff has had some serious rethinking on the hand sanitizer and hand washing thing.

I have had a similar incident once, but it was more of a feminine nature----

THANK GOD it did not happen at work


You do really have to be careful in Mexico and it IS true you have to pay to get toilet paper


that is all

Furry Bottoms May 25, 2011 at 7:43 AM  

I learned the hard way in Tijuana about having to pay an attendant for toilet paper too! I was pissed! So indigant that I refused to go at any time the whole few days we were there. The minute we crossed the border back into California, though, the first stop we could find, I barely made it in. I sympathize with the husband!

Classic NYer May 25, 2011 at 7:50 AM  

oh, your poor husband...

Pat May 25, 2011 at 11:09 AM  

I would have been mortified! I think I would have used my underwear to wipe my OWN butt, then left the washroom as it was....I would NEVER have touched the toilet paper with someone else's POOP on it! YUCK!

todd carr May 25, 2011 at 12:05 PM  

bwahhahaha. such a funny story. your description is so great!

thanks for the laugh!

new follower

Monkey Man May 25, 2011 at 1:10 PM  

That story is funny as shit.

Sey May 25, 2011 at 1:37 PM  

Oh my Gosh, what an experience. I too was LOL and I can imagine you guys walk slowly so that no one could smell Jeff.

But what makes me laugh harder is the way you narrated it. Thanks for making my day!

Anonymous,  May 25, 2011 at 3:35 PM  

I am dying laughing!! Omg. Best thing I've read all day!

Copyboy May 26, 2011 at 12:45 PM  

Wow! A truly explosive trip to Mexico. Sadly I've had similar experiences. Sorry for laughing at the knee part of the post. Love your dialogue.

Cheeseboy May 27, 2011 at 3:30 PM  

This may possibly be the funniest true story I have ever read on the internets. Archive this baby for sure.

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