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I'd Really Like To Shower Alone

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

I can't believe it! It's SO not cool to get in the shower and realize that you're not alone! This is a post from before but it's totally appropriate for what happened today. I just wanted to take a shower by myself! Also, I think since I thought about getting my iPhone to get a picture of the intruder shows that I'm addicted to social media. Good sense prevailed and I left the iPhone on the bathroom counter.

I saw it as I started the water for the shower. It was on the crown molding. Although I didn't know it at the time, it was waiting for an opportune time. Its shiny brown body and eight long legs were perfectly still, probably trying to convince me it was no threat.

As the water warmed I watched the spider as I tried to evaluate whether or not I should knock it down and kill it. Should I get the vacuum hose and vacuum it up? Eh, both were too much trouble. I'd be fine, I wouldn't be in the shower long and it hadn't moved since I first saw it several minutes earlier.

I got in the shower and after soaking my hair I turned toward the shower head to wash my face. I put my face under the cascading water but tried to keep one eye open as I rinsed the residual of the night's sleep away. It still hadn't moved. Piece of cake, no problem, I had it made.

As I reached for my shampoo I saw the spider drop several inches and catch itself on a silken thread. I watched as it climbed back to its place on the molding. Being certain that it would be there for awhile I lathered up my hair and leaned back into the water. As the foamy bubbles were rinsed out of my hair and down onto my body I felt safe as I saw the arachnid still securely in place.

Feeling much more confident I took my pink scrubby off of its resting spot and squeezed on body gel. I began to wash my arms and chest with the scented cleanser and glanced up to see that the spider was gone. The spider was freaking gone! I don't have a fear of spiders, but that doesn't mean I want a physical relationship with one either.

I looked around the crown molding that surrounds my bathroom. It was not to be found. I looked down into the shower floor, no luck. As I surveyed my surroundings once more the horrifying realization hit me. The little bastard was on me! Then I did something that I still don't understand, I screamed. Tell me how in the hell a scream is going to help in a situation like that? Do spiders even have ears?

I couldn't feel it on me which meant it had to be in my hair. Just like in the movie Arachnophobia I knew it was going to wash down my face as hundreds of other spiders made their way through the shower head and onto my naked, wet body. Ok, now I was freaked.

I thrust my head under the flowing water once more and flicked my hair around with my hands. The eight legged freak fell to the floor. Now it was me against it. It stood there staring it down before it started toward me. I wasn't going to step on it without shoes and I wasn't going to crush it with a shampoo bottle and get nasty little spider guts all over. The only weapon I had was the hot, running water and the hope that gravity was on my side. It was coming faster when the water moved it off of its steady course. The water had caught it! Its legs were thrashing as it acknowledged its fate. In one last ditch effort to get to me it jumped up only to be swept away and down the drain.

I had come up against an enemy and I had won. I had won with nothing but streaming water and Isaac Newton's theory. Even with my victory I was creeped out. It could still climb up and out of the drain and come for revenge. I hadn't won; it still had its grip on me. I had to do something to ensure that it lost.

I quickly got out of the shower and grabbed the Drano. I poured a half bottle down the drain and scalded the little shit with my chemical arsenal. Was it rational? No, but it sure felt good.




18 comments:

Monkey Man June 15, 2011 at 3:15 PM  

I live with an arachnophobic and believe me as the one who gets the 3 AM wake up to kill the eight legged freak, I have come to dislike them as house guests. Outside, though, I love the little creatures as they go about their business of draining the life out of bugs that will otherwise eat my lettuce and munch my flowers.

Death by Draino seems appropriate under the circumstances.

Snowbrush June 15, 2011 at 4:14 PM  

"I want a physical relationship with one..."

Kinky!

Maasiyat June 15, 2011 at 4:17 PM  

There is no rationality when it comes to spiders; screaming, arm waving, throwing any and all things flammable within reach as long as the job gets done and the lil bastard dies that is all that matters. You did well.

MamaTink June 15, 2011 at 4:21 PM  

You are my hero. Can I call you if I lose track of the 8-legged beasts in my shower?

Classic NYer June 15, 2011 at 5:20 PM  

You do realize that the spider is a lot smaller than you, right? Just saying...

Sandra June 15, 2011 at 5:51 PM  

That creature would have been arachnoid guts before I even stepped into the shower! You're a brave woman to have allowed the little pervert into your private sanctuary!

Rob-bear June 15, 2011 at 7:56 PM  

Save money; shower with a friend.

Oh, wait. The arachnid wasn't your friend. (How silly of me to miss that.)

You survived the encounter — as if there were any doubt.

thinkellen June 15, 2011 at 8:05 PM  

*shudders*

I remember waking up one night at 2am to the feeling of way too many little legs tickling my cheek...

I leaped up with a screech and threw the little bugger off of my with a backhand swipe. OH NO. Now he was somewhere in my room and I didn't know where.

Haggard and half-asleep, I rooted all through the house and found a long metal ruler. I stood there in my room with all the lights on, staring bug-eyed around me for what seemed like hours. THERE HE WAS. On the ceiling! I snuck up carefully, extended the hand with the ruler.

BWAM. One pancaked spider involuntary sky-dived from the ceiling, and one tired zombie finally made it back to her bed in peace.

MarkD60 June 16, 2011 at 3:39 AM  

I hate spiders. Once I was laying on my back porch, and I opened my eyes and there was a big nasty spider on the way down from the eave directly above my face. I could see the venom on his fangs. I am very glad I woke up before and not after he landed on me.

Jennifer Perry June 16, 2011 at 6:53 AM  

Dear Diva,
This was a scream. Belongs in a magazine. You couldn't have done better of taking us there if it had been a scripted edited million dollar budget video!
Please tell us you have a book coming one day.

PBJdreamer June 16, 2011 at 8:05 AM  

I would have poured the Drano too!

Freakish spider jumping in your hair?? Hell Yeah you have to scream.

Killed that fucker with acid!

YEAH

that is all

Boobies June 16, 2011 at 9:02 AM  

I never get to shower alone either...except it's people who generally disturb me...I'm not a fan of bugs...so I wouldn't have made it as far as you did!

Copyboy June 16, 2011 at 11:43 AM  

Thanks for freakin' out my shower experience for years to come! haha

Garden of Egan June 17, 2011 at 12:48 AM  

You really got out the drano and burned it's eyes out after drowning it?
You are totally my new hero.

I stumbled here from not sure where and it's beebread well worth my time,
Hope you are totally alone on your next shower venture.

Christina Jeanne June 17, 2011 at 4:21 AM  

Something similar to that happened to be a while back. I do have a fear of spiders. And snakes.

W.C.Camp June 18, 2011 at 12:19 AM  

Wow you must have been tough on your kids growing up - not only do you wash out mouths with soap but you pour drano in 'em too!! Great Post! W.C.C.

Unknown Mami June 18, 2011 at 10:10 PM  

I have a spider story involving the bathtub and an entire package of paper towels from when I was 5. It ended with my mother being very pissed off and not taking me back to school shopping. It's not my fault that stupid spider wouldn't get out of my way.

Denise June 20, 2011 at 7:06 AM  

OMG I actually feel like I have critters crawling all over me after reading this post. Ugh! I saw you on Over 40 Bloggers. I am over 40 also but I do not have the button on my blog. I'm working on it. I am now following you. I hope you will stop by my blog and have a look around http://talesfrommyjournal.blogspot.com I can be found in facebook too http://www.facebook.com/DeniseMartin.LillaRose and twitter @DeniseLillaRose If you like/follow me there I will do the same for you. When you stop by my blog, please check out my kind of fashion (hair jewelry).

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