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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

I’m sitting in the middle of my bed, with my yorkie snuggled up next to my left hip, trying to write while NCIS Los Angeles is on. You’d think I’d know better.

My concentration was totally blown during the first scene with that close up of LL Cool J. The guy is BUILT. I don’t know why I even attempted to write now. Even though I’ve watched almost every episode of NCIS LA I bet I can’t tell you one story line. I have to blame it on Mr. Cool J’s incredible hotness.

Ok, commercial’s on. Time to tell you about my search in less than two minutes. It’s been nine days, not that I’m counting, since my second psychiatrist in six months told me she was closing her private practice.

Most of you, I’ll bet, spell panic P A N I C, for some “no ice cream” means panic, for others it might be the most terrifying of all creatures...the chupacabra or, perhaps, a newborn baby, take your pick. For me panic usually means running low on Xanex, but for the last nine days it’s been the thought of not having a psychiatrist.

Whoops. LL Cool J and his massive arms are back on, give me a few minutes here to catch my breath.

Ok, let’s try this again. The Red Lobster commercial doesn’t quite have the same appeal. Where was I? Oh yes. I’m in full force panic mode. See, having a psychiatrist that really understands bipolar disorder II is one of the most important things in my life.

They hold the magic prescription pads. The ones that, in the correct hands, keep my world in order. Now that I seem to have found the right “cocktail” of medications I’m scared to freaking death that I’ll find some diploma mill doctor that will want to try to change things, “simplify” things, make me their own.

In the last nine days I’ve made well over 100 phone calls only to hear “sorry we’re not accepting new patients,” or “our first available appointment is in November.” Sometimes I was lucky enough to speak to someone whose first language was English (I was beginning to think that computer tech support and psychiatrists were in cahoots somehow).

Finally today, after charging my phone twice and eating an entire quart of blueberries, at precisely 7 minutes after 5, I got a return phone call. It was from a female (score one), English was her native language (score two), she’s not too far from where I live, meaning I don’t have to drive into the vortex of the universe called downtown Portland (score three, four and five). She also had an appointment available next Tuesday. Screeching halt. RED FLAG.

Just as I was about to ask why she had an opening so soon, when everyone else was totally booked, she seemed to have read my mind.

“I just dropped a major insurance panel so my practice has opened up. Being a health care provider has recently gotten a whole lot more difficult.”

Ok, with that answer she scored six through ten. So next Tuesday at one o’clock sharp I have an appointment to see if we’ll be a good fit, as if I really have a choice at this point.

But I feel good about it. I think I can return my panic mode to where it belongs. It’s not with ice cream, it’s not with chupacabras (I could totally use one of those from time to time), it’s with the mere fleeting thought of the possibility, though totally impossible, of once again being pregnant.

That panic is something I can, after a hysterectomy, totally live with.


Candace June 28, 2011 at 10:34 PM  

1) I don't know what it means that she just dropped a major insurance panel? She's not taking those customers. Sweet. I hope this works for you.
2) hell yeah, LL COOL J! gurl! wow! those arms, those lips...totally broke me out of my "I'm going to be a virgin forever so I should become a nun" phase of my adolescence. I was totally a major prude. I thought mainstream music was too whorsish when I was 14, so I just listened to oldies. Then I saw LL and that all ended. I should have saved myself for him and not that other loser in college who looked like will smith. That means that I've been into LL Cool J (and brad pitt) for over 15 years...and he's still got a rockin bod. welcome to the club.

The Bipolar Diva June 28, 2011 at 10:43 PM  

Candace, from what I gathered from her conversation what that she dropped the panel because of the new healthcare stuff going on and all the red tape the insurance company was demanding.
LL Cool J has me totally lusted out!

Gypsea Nurse June 28, 2011 at 11:16 PM  

Go with your gut. You know it's always right deep down.
You'll be ok..

The Bipolar Diva June 28, 2011 at 11:25 PM  


I shall take your advice!

Rob-bear June 29, 2011 at 12:39 AM  

Relax will you, woman! You're freaking out the rest of us.
All you have to do is say, "I will be OK until Tuesday; I will be OK until Tuesday." Then we can all relax with you.
Really, you will be OK. We know that. So do you.
Now, go for a ride on your bike out to the gun club, and do some powder therapy. As in Black powder. Or cordite. Or something like that.

Haven June 29, 2011 at 6:15 AM  

I hope it all works out for you! At the very least a little less anxiety hopefully =)

Mimi June 29, 2011 at 7:26 AM  

My Dr. has gone down to one day a week & I live in fear that he is going to retire! And I was watching NCIS LA last night too and those arms get me every time.

Hugs & love,

Unknown June 29, 2011 at 9:12 AM  

Good luck with the new Dr. I'll be praying it works out great for you and is a smooth transition. That's the tough part...the transition from comfort with one to comfort with another...and crossing your fingers that the newbie doesn't want to make you a "test dummy" of a new cocktail of meds when the ones you are on work "just fine thank you very much!".


LL Cool J


You realize I just had to google him and take a gander at that body...not that I didn't know already...I just felt a twinge of desire that had to be satisfied by gazing at a strong muscular sculpted man such as himself. Mmm..hmm...

Monkey Man June 29, 2011 at 9:18 AM  

Trash the future tripping and become the Zen Diva for a moment. It will make your first appointment easier and allay those pregnancy fears. Pregnancy???? WTF?? Where did that come from? Be the Zen Diva......

Unknown June 29, 2011 at 10:33 AM  

OH ll is FINE but Shemar moore is my chocolate eye candy.. and watching him on Criminal minds yea makes certain parts of my anatomy begin speaking in tongues..
Wait what was I saying.. Oh yeah..
She will click and not try to guinea pig you on meds.. Deep breate.. chocolate eye candy.. yep that takes care of that panic attack

Christy June 29, 2011 at 2:25 PM  

Good deal! I'm sure she will be just for you. If she's willing to drop insurance coverage with one company then it shows an independent thinker.

Dazee Dreamer June 29, 2011 at 5:20 PM  

just keep thinking about LL Cool J. That's how I get with shemar. I even told my husband last night that if he ever comes to our house (hey, it could happen) that me and him were going off to the bedroom for a little sumpin-sumpin. My husband said, "with me at home". And I said, hell yes, with you at home. I'm past the I'm allowed to kiss him stage. :)

Classic NYer June 29, 2011 at 5:23 PM  

So the red flag was a red herring, huh? You sly diva you...

Oh, and I'm totally going to be thinking of LL Cool J all through my yoga practice. Thanks for that. ::happy sigh::

The Bipolar Diva June 29, 2011 at 5:46 PM  

Rob, I think I can relax now that I have an appointment with a real doc on Tuesday!

Thank you!


I can hardly concentrate on anything with him on TV.....yummy


still swooning here


totally lighting candles, playing with crystals and "zenning" out


oh yeah!

Mad Mind;

I think I'll like her, at lest from the phone interview.


I'm totally on track with ya!


you're very welcome!

Unknown June 29, 2011 at 7:01 PM  

I hope she works out for you. I know what a panic it can be trying to find someone who will be a good fit for you.

braumaman June 29, 2011 at 7:11 PM  

Good luck. I'm sure you'll be fine!

The Bipolar Diva June 29, 2011 at 8:08 PM  

Miss C;

It certainly can cause a panic. So far the telephone interview went very well!

The Bipolar Diva June 29, 2011 at 8:09 PM  


Thank you! I think it's gonna work out well....fingers crossed!

Unknown June 29, 2011 at 9:57 PM  

your mind works like mine, if I see arms or a good bod I forget things...haha!

I hope she works out well for you, I can't believe you made 100 calls!!!

PeaceLoveandSharpies June 30, 2011 at 10:27 AM  

I really hope things get better for you. :(
This probably won't mean anything, but *superhug*

Susie - Walking Butterfly June 30, 2011 at 11:02 AM  

Oh Yay! I hope she's the ONE for you!

Copyboy June 30, 2011 at 12:56 PM  

Yeah I have to agree with Cat. BTW...thanks for putting shirtless sweaty images of LL in my head. Yes, my brain added sweaty. Ugh.

Pat June 30, 2011 at 5:55 PM  

I will keep my fingers crossed AND say a prayer that you two are a good fit. Good luck!

Just Two Chicks June 30, 2011 at 10:16 PM  

Okay, I've tried to keep myself up to date on bipolar disorder, but have apparently missed something along the way... you have Bipolar II... what is the "II" portion of this?
We're getting my daughter to a therapist soon due to bipolar behavior. This disorder runs rampant on her dad's side of the family for the females.

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