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Happy Valley Moms Redux

Friday, August 19, 2011

Yes, I know this is, this is Oregon. How shall I say it that's PC? Is "recycle" still PC? Maybe "previously posted" would be better. Hell I don't know. It sure as hell isn't green, you see, I don't do "green." But tonight, tonight of all nights I think "reposting" this is appropriate. Yeah, we're rockin' a little Happy Valley drama around here today and I was feeling a bit nostalgic. Feeling a little bit like "Just who in the HELL do you think you are mutha?"


So here we go one more time, ya know, just for old time's sake. 

Happy Valley moms aren’t really any different than the moms of any other affluent town. Many volunteer at the neighborhood school and make it a point to get to know the other Happy Valley Moms. Their white collar husbands work eighty hour weeks and the moms themselves stay home, keep the house immaculate, and run kids to dance, soccer and lacrosse.

For the most part their hair is blonde, some natural but most is “enhanced” and always perfect. They have well manicured nails, constant pedicures and see their massage therapists on a regular basis. No one is supposed to know, but everyone does, that they see their “counselors” monthly, sometimes more, to discuss the hardships of being a stay at home mom with their 2.5 kids.

The kids, by the way, also are generally blonde haired, blued eyed, perfectly dressed and stars in school. During the mornings you’ll find the moms in the neighborhood Starbucks dressed in new matching workout gear and pristine cross-training shoes. Their flaxen hair is pulled into ponytails and the requisite Dolce Gabana or Chanel sun glasses are propped snuggly on their heads. They’ll grab a bottle of filtered spring water along with their lattes before jumping into their leather upholstered cars to head for the gym.

BMW, Lexus, Land Rover and Mercedes are the cars of choice and they’re always perfectly spotless and gleaming. You’ll find them parked neatly in rows away from the “other” cars in the parking lots in the community. Many of the cars are also labeled with the stickers of the liberal politician of the day.

The Happy Valley Moms are always outgoing and seemingly friendly. However, it’s mostly a fa├žade. If you’re not a part of their bunco games or volunteer organizations (which are impossible to penetrate) they’ll politely rip you apart over margaritas and tapas at their weekly gatherings.

Yesterday after coffee and on the way to the gym I glanced into the rear-view mirror of my Mercedes and screamed “Holy freaking shit! I’m a Happy Valley Mom!” My highlighted blonde hair was pulled in a ponytail and was shimmering in the sunlight that streamed in from the open sun-roof. I had my Chanel sunglasses on and my designer bag was at my side.

There was a bottle of filtered spring water in the cup holder next to my latte. I could feel my heart race as I froze in that horrific moment of realization. I quickly ran through my lifestyle, searching for anything to separate me from that clique. OMG! There had to be something! I had to find it before I hyperventilated and wrecked my Mercedes.

It wasn’t looking good. I had just had a pedicure and my massage appointment was scheduled for the next day. I kept driving and saw my therapist’s office on the right hand side of the road. The sight of it jolted me. I grabbed the wheel of my car and jerked it back into my lane. My latte spilled all over the leather interior. I needed a xanex. I could feel a panic attack coming on.

“Breathe Teri, breathe” I kept repeating to myself. I reached to turn down the volume of the entertainment center. Wait! That’s something! I had to turn down the volume of my new Nickleback CD. No other Happy Valley Mom would be caught dead with a Nickleback CD in their car. Ok, good. That’s a start. “Keep going Teri. You can do it”.

The pressure was on. I ripped the Chanel glasses off of my head, pulled the hair tie out of my hair and let my chemically treated tresses fall around my shoulders. “I’ve got it, I’ve got it!” My 2.5 blonde haired, blue eyed kids totaled eight at last count and they were far from the stereotypical Happy Valley kids. My kids are black, white and conservative.

My husband, while the owner of a company, is blue collar and my house is anything but immaculate. Ok, now I’m getting somewhere. Hey, what about the Harley, and the tattoos? My breathing slowed and my heart began to return to a normal pace. The secrets I told my therapist weren’t ones of the trials of raising children they were much darker and much deeper.

I never volunteered at the schools (the political bullshit makes me wanna puke), my kids were home schooled, another difference between us. Then my thoughts wandered to a subject that I hadn’t thought of. Yes on the outside I looked like the typical Happy Valley Mom, just like the other moms. How did I know what they told their therapists? What if they had wanted more kids and couldn’t have them? What if their husband’s jobs were on the line? What if, what if, what if? (Here's a thought, maybe, just maybe, they were too busy talking about other people that it never once crossed their mind that therapy was actually for them.)

When I stopped at the red light I pulled my hair back into a ponytail, put on my Chanel sunglasses and turned up the volume on my Nickleback cd. I couldn’t judge them anymore than they could judge me. The light turned green and I drove on to the gym. I wasn’t a Happy Valley Mom on the inside and they might not be either. For all I know late at night after the 2.5 kids are tucked into their designer beds a glass of wine is poured and a joint is lit.

The moral of the story? So glad you asked. The moral is that those that live in glass houses, how does that go again? Oh yes, those that live in glass houses have skeletons that are easily seen. 


15 comments:

DWei August 19, 2011 at 11:38 PM  

And now I want to hear what they tell their therapists.

The Bipolar Diva August 19, 2011 at 11:50 PM  

you'd have to go to my other blog to see what I reveal to my therapist. But as for them, I have a sneaking suspicion it had not much to do with them.

tabbiecat66 August 19, 2011 at 11:54 PM  

its so true and its everywhere, i used to be one of those "moms" but after my seperation, my move to the city "philadelphia" far from my townhouse in suburbia and alot of life changes, i became me. Now that im back in suburbia (love it) im half of a happy valley mom. In a way i like the idea of being organized, divalicious , soccer mom only because it gives me goals etc, but then i think, its hard to be something you arent. And im happier being me, but i will always go to starbucks!!!

The Bipolar Diva August 20, 2011 at 12:00 AM  

as long as you don't have a smile on your face with a knife in your hand behind your back, you're cool. ;)

The Bipolar Diva August 20, 2011 at 12:02 AM  

I love living in a relatively small town, but there's a lot of bullshit that goes on as well. People running around thinking they're "all that" when really they have the same flaws, if not more, than their neighbors.

Carol-Anne (Use the Good Dishes!) August 20, 2011 at 6:20 AM  

Love that last line about the skeletons...!

Boobies August 20, 2011 at 7:02 AM  

LMAO! I love the moral.

And you are SO not a Happy Valley Mom. I promise!

Gucci Mama August 20, 2011 at 10:45 AM  

I'm certainly not on the inside what I appear to be on the outside. I think that's true to some degree for most people.

Also, now I want a latte.

Pat August 20, 2011 at 12:10 PM  

Fucking A....excuse my french!

Made me laugh lady!

The Bipolar Diva August 20, 2011 at 3:19 PM  

haha Pat! I'm so happy I could!

Rob-bear August 20, 2011 at 3:44 PM  

People who live in glass houses "have skeletons that are easily seen," and shouldn't throw parties.
Not to judge, but to wonder. What makes these people tick? Are they really happy? Do they have, or even need, therapists?
Yeah. Bear has lots of questions, especially about Bear, and the people around.
And no, I don't drink lattes, or have fancy sun glasses.
So, would I fit in Happy Valley, if I were a human instead of a Bear? Hmmmm.

Candace August 20, 2011 at 4:34 PM  

how did you manage homeschooling? what was it like?

Classic NYer August 20, 2011 at 5:42 PM  

Unless the skeletons are made of glass, in which case they are not easily seen.

Just Two Chicks August 20, 2011 at 8:43 PM  

Oh my, I'm a Happy Valley mom too... well, except the D&G's... the wife and hairdresser laughed their a**es off when I walked through the door after buying them. Apparently they don't look good on me. SO I have Maui Jim's. A woman at the resort pool in Mississippi told me I looked like a rock star in them, making her my new best friend. :)

Love my Starbucks, love my workouts... oh, but I don't have a therapist. YET! AND I'm about to go brunette... have to get ready for Fall you know :)
Have great Sunday!

Recovering Church Lady August 21, 2011 at 5:51 PM  

Hey lady, we had some bike fun this week...Rocker Son got hit by an illegal left turning senior citizen! He snapped his right femur and is now learning to walk with a steel rod from hip to knee.
I just wrote about it, come see my baby boy.....

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