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I'm Pretty Sure I Have It Figured Out, Sort Of

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

I think I'm dying. There's no other explanation. Yes, I think I've convinced myself that I'm in my final days. I know, you're (see Gucci, I can do it!) thinking dramatic, Diva-like behavior. It's not, I swear!

I've had this pain for a few months now. First it was only when I wore stilettos......I know, I know....5'12" with 4" heels.....get over it. It's a statement after all. Of what I'm not sure, but I tell myself that because I LOVE stilettos.

Ok, I'm off track. Back to the pain. It's continual now and it's in the joint of my right big toe. I've, with my vast medical knowledge, narrowed the possibilities to arthritis, but you have to be old for that right? Gout, another old lady thing and SO NOT Diva-like, or cancer. Yes, I think I have cancer of the big toe.

So first thing tomorrow morning I'm making an appointment with my primary care doc to tell him my diagnosis.

Ouch, it hurts and I DON'T do pain well. I know somewhere in my pharmaceutical arsenal I'll be able to find some vicodin at the very least. If I'm lucky, oxycontin.


Yes people, that is my bedside gun safe. Not only do I keep my Walther .380 and a magazine filled with hollow points inside, I keep it filled with my meds. Now if I can only remember the damn code. I knew I should have gone for the biometric model.


21 comments:

Nicole August 16, 2011 at 9:52 PM  

HAHAHA.. I went recently to my Internist about a similar problem, but I SWORE there was a "swooshing" feeling from my calf to my big toe.. and it just HAD to be stenosis or a blood clot.

Turns out - I need to stay off the heels. ;-)

The Bipolar Diva August 16, 2011 at 9:57 PM  

I kind of have a feeling that's what he's going to tell me. pouting.

Gucci Mama August 16, 2011 at 9:57 PM  

I have no doubt it's cancer. I will pray you don't lose your entire leg or worse, the ability to wear stilettos.

The Bipolar Diva August 16, 2011 at 10:04 PM  

I know! It HAS to be cancer! I will, however, find a way to wear stilettos!

Carol-Anne (Use the Good Dishes!) August 17, 2011 at 5:13 AM  

Hahaha! Loved this post! Everytime I get a really bad headache, I tell my husband, "I'm pretty sure it's a brain tumour"....so far, just a headache. Good luck on the chemo/radiation for your toe!

SherilinR August 17, 2011 at 6:24 AM  

arthritis is unfortunately not just for the old fogies. i got it in both my knees from being in a couple accidents when i was in high school. damn motorcycle crash turned me into a stiff kneed old woman!

Singedwingangel August 17, 2011 at 6:42 AM  

Wait a Diva without her stilettos is like Gucci without her tatas.. It must be some horrific foreign disease that requires the constant care of well built males dressed in some form of uniform to massage your feet and anywhere else to ensure healing and prevent spreading.. Yes that is it.

Jamie August 17, 2011 at 7:40 AM  

Yeah.. cause cancer would stop you from wearing stilettos ? pffhht

But I'm SURE the doctor will appreciate your diagnosis, it'll save him some leg work ;-)

And for the record, I'm 5'2", stilettos make me look like a little person on stilts .
Enjoy yours, sunshine.

Pheromone Girl August 17, 2011 at 8:34 AM  

I'd just like to say that all I could think about when I was reading this is that my husband, who I adore, has pain in his big toe. And now I'll tease him forever that it must be from the stillettos....

Classic NYer August 17, 2011 at 9:46 AM  

You can wear your stilettos if you cut the heels off of them.

Monkey Man August 17, 2011 at 9:54 AM  

I, too, have pain in my right big toe. Doc says arthritis....not stilettos.

Rob-bear August 17, 2011 at 10:18 AM  

Sorry to hear of your pain. Pain is never fun! As I am currently experiencing, again.
Is the pain in your toe keeping you from putting your best foot forward? Didn't think so.
Great that you've got a wonderful family to care for you through this medical misadventure. Drinks and meals served at bedside. The kind of treatment every Diva deserves.
Blessings and Bear hugs in an un-fun time, Teri.

Copyboy August 17, 2011 at 11:48 AM  

That whole last part was so lost on me, a bluestater from NYawk!

Pat August 17, 2011 at 12:10 PM  

I had the SAME problem....started about a year or so ago. But I DON'T wear heels. Doctor checked me for gout - nope, even checked if it was broken - nope. Finally diagnosed arthritis! I had to have a cortisone shot in the joint - talk about pain! It helped for awhile, now my toe is hurting again. Don't know if I can bring myself to have another shot.

Nolie August 17, 2011 at 3:53 PM  

Now really should the meds be locked up with the gun?

myinnerchick.com August 17, 2011 at 4:24 PM  

--I hate to tell you this, Diva, but it's the damn stilettos.

I don't know about you, but I'd rather lose my big toe than not wear my black stilettos.

Or, perhaps you can just wear them to bed :) Baaahaaaa Xxx

blueviolet August 17, 2011 at 5:46 PM  

I am completely fascinated with your medication and your protection being in the same safe!

Carrie August 17, 2011 at 6:35 PM  

Perhaps they could amputate, you could get a gorgeous prosthesis that you'd never have to work out in order to have a finely toned calf and then you could still wear the stilettos .....

The Bipolar Diva August 17, 2011 at 9:37 PM  

you guys crack me up!

And Nolie I have to keep the opiates and benzos locked away from the grand kids.

Pat, you've convinced me.....NO SHOTS!

Karyn August 18, 2011 at 9:12 AM  

Hey Teri- if it isn't cancer and they say you can NEVER wear them again- I will take em- I mean someone has to wear the manolos, they would be to die for in Charleston, and after all- we do wear the same size......just want them to go to good use. Do you have a pair that would look good with my blue flight suit?

Babes Mami August 18, 2011 at 4:06 PM  

oh my dear dear hypochodriac diva

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