Monday, August 29, 2011
Let's see if I can get through this. Punctuation, spelling and grammar can kiss my ass today.
Bipolar along with an anxiety disorder majorly sucks ass. Slept like hell last night and woke up in the middle of a full fledged panic attack. So fun , so fun.
It got so bad I had to call the psych's emergency line. I hate doing that I always feel like such a wuss. I should be able to handle it right? I mean with all that I've been through what's a little panic attack?
Well if you've never had one you're not so sure what's going on. The space around you closes in, your heart beats a thousand times a minute, you're shakey, I happen to throw up during them, that's always a fun little effect. And my vision closes to where I don't have any peripheral vision.
This it taking forever to write. I took two 10 mg valium and it wouldn't let up so I had to call the psych's emergency line. Seriously you feel like you're going to die. She called me back ASAP and walked me though taking even more medication. Geodon and two 1mg xanex. Said I can take two more xanex over the next several hours.
I know this is boring as hell, but you know this blog is called "The Bipolar Diva" for a reason. Most of the time it's tolerable, times like today suck big time. She as me locked in my room for the day and totally medicated to the hilt. Everything is a blur.
Luckily I haven't had a panic attack in several years, not to this degree anyway. I'm locked in my room, I'm safe, the kids have the razors and all my meds except what the doctor ordered. She's making me eat apples and drink milk.......uh, major yucko since I hate both.
Guess bipolar isn't all fun and games. Sometimes it gets unbearable, like today. She told me to write. ok, what in the hell am I going to write when I have all this medication on board? Something totally incomprehensible?
Two more big doses xanex are in order and I think I'll be sleeping the day way.Today I could probably shoot up the xanex and would probably not bother me at all.
Ok, I'm rambling, I think anyway. I always think of Heath Ledger during time like this. I hate mixing my meds, especially at such high doses. I surely don't want to wake up dead.
Ok happy, normal people this seriously drugged up Diva is slurring. This is taking forever to write. I think I'll try to sleep.
Oh, and Auntie SuSu, I did confirm how much I can take without doing the Heath Ledger exit.
Damn it! I'm out of Tanqueray Ten and Tonic! Double damn!