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Not The Regular Post

Monday, August 29, 2011

Let's see if I can get through this. Punctuation, spelling and grammar can kiss my ass today.

Bipolar along with an anxiety disorder majorly sucks ass. Slept like hell last night and woke up in the middle of a full fledged panic attack. So fun , so fun.

It got so bad I had to call the psych's emergency line. I hate doing that I always feel like such a wuss. I should be able to handle it right? I mean with all that I've been through what's a little panic attack?

Well if you've never had one you're not so sure what's going on. The space around you closes in, your heart beats a thousand times a minute, you're shakey, I happen to throw up during them, that's always a fun little effect. And my vision closes to where I don't have any peripheral vision.

This it taking forever to write. I took two 10 mg valium and it wouldn't let up so I had to call the psych's emergency line. Seriously you feel like you're going to die.  She called me back ASAP and walked me though taking even more medication. Geodon and two 1mg xanex. Said I can take two more xanex over the next several hours.

I know this is boring as hell, but you know this blog is called "The Bipolar Diva" for a reason. Most of the time it's tolerable, times like today suck big time. She as me locked in my room for the day and totally medicated to the hilt. Everything is a blur.

Luckily I haven't had a panic attack in several years, not to this degree anyway. I'm locked in my room, I'm safe, the kids have the razors and all my meds except what the doctor ordered. She's making me eat apples and drink milk.......uh, major yucko since I hate both.

Guess bipolar isn't all fun and games. Sometimes it gets unbearable, like today. She told me to write. ok, what in the hell am I going to write when I have all this medication on board? Something totally incomprehensible?

Two more big doses xanex are in order and I think I'll be sleeping the day way.Today I could probably shoot up the xanex and would probably not bother me at all.

Ok, I'm rambling, I think anyway. I always think of Heath Ledger during time like this. I hate mixing my meds, especially at such high doses. I surely don't want to wake up dead.

Ok happy, normal people this seriously drugged up Diva is slurring. This is taking forever to write. I think I'll try to sleep.

Oh, and Auntie SuSu, I did confirm how much I can take without doing the Heath Ledger exit.

Damn it! I'm out of Tanqueray Ten and Tonic! Double damn!


Dee August 29, 2011 at 1:32 PM  

Hope you feel better soon girl! At least you'll get some sleep up. Anxiety sucks ass!

Unknown August 29, 2011 at 1:39 PM  

Not bipolar but I have had those attacks, for several years.. even did the Paxil since I am allergic to Valium.. nothing helped. I finally decided I was tired of living in my house and going no where for fear and panic. I began by walking around my block and singing to myself. Then I found Psalm 91// read it out loud to yourself, saying each word and hearing that King David, the mighty shepherd turned warrior King suffered greatly from panic attacks. Of moments of overwhelming fear that left him trembling in caves hoping to not be discovered. He wrote this Psalm in the midst of one of these attacks.When he finds himself alone in the cave and the fear and no one else to cry out to but God. When God tells him even in the moments he feels abandoned and forgotten, God has his back. He had already slain 1000 on one side and 10000 on the other, all because David was humble. In all his greatness, in all his life of respect and honest fear and trepidation from others , he was humble to the point of not realizing his own strength in the God who had brought him that far.. try it and see if it doesn't help. I learned that when you SPEAK in the midst of a panic attack something other then the thoughts that run rampant it stops the freight train of thoughts in their tracks. The brain is unable to think and speak something different then the thoughts, which is what has to be done when you read aloud.

Maasiyat August 29, 2011 at 1:45 PM  

There must be something in the water because it seems every single person whose blog I follow that is bipolar is having the same exact week. Breathe through it and call the line if you need help. We'll be here if you need us..

Carol-Anne August 29, 2011 at 1:55 PM  

Yah....mental illness is all fun and games until it's not.

I'm so sorry you're struggling with this. Not sure if you're this way, but I find that I 'forget' how bad it can be in between episodes and almost convince myself that it's really not so bad and maybe I'm even just exaggerating to be more dramatic! Then I wake up one morning and the depression is there, waiting for me...

Thinking about you and sending you healthy vibes today!

Rob-bear August 29, 2011 at 2:07 PM  

Ah, well . . . this was not what we were expecting. You were supposed to awake refreshed, and ready to take on the world, not take on more Xanax.
I've had one, maybe two panic attacks in my life, and neither as bad as yours.
I hope you can rest well, now that you're sufficiently medicated.
Sorry to say, but I'm glad you're out of T&T. That on top of the meds would not be "a good thing."
Blessings and Bear hugs as you sleep well.

Christina August 29, 2011 at 4:19 PM  

im really sorry to hear this. i hate when people are condescending and everything is going to be ok and blah blah blah. all i say is hugg. and sux to be medicated, but really happy to hear that you have no razors! ;)so heres some love from the other unmedicated folks right now, prayers are with you!
-Tina August 29, 2011 at 4:22 PM  

did you say "happy, normal people?" Is there such thing? I looked at my mom (Saint Shirley) not long ago and mused-- "You know what I figured out lately?" She asked "What?" "We're all Fucked up!" --She laughed so hard. But seriously, Diva....We all have our stuff. And when you are writing about your bipolar & panic attacks, this makes your readers LOVE your honesty & connect with you. It is our truth that others cling onto. xx Hope you're back to "Somewhat Normal" soon. x

Gucci Mama August 29, 2011 at 4:29 PM  

I love you. Hang in there.

Tracey cat August 29, 2011 at 4:38 PM  

HEy honey, hang in there, you'll feel back to normal soon- whatever that is , right lol. I've been in similar circumstances and sometimes just taking extra meds and sleeping it away is all we can do. HUGS. Come back soon!!

Nolie August 29, 2011 at 5:33 PM  

Hope this has all passed by now as you posted this hours ago. HUGS

Susie - Walking Butterfly August 29, 2011 at 10:42 PM  

Oh my dear dear friend, I hate reading this so much!! I am so sorry this is happening to you, we are in different time zones I'm pretty sure but right now I am heading to bed and I will be praying for you as I get ready and as I lie there. Damn, this stuff really truly stinks, wish I could help you Sweetheart.

Father God, I'm gonna go ahead and talk to you right now about your beautiful child Diva. I know you love her and care about everything happening in her body and mind tonight. Please be her comfort and her strength. Somehow reach through that awful haze of pain and fear and flow over her with your BIG soothing peace. Be as close as her breath. Cover her like a blanket and allow her body to sleep this mess away and wake up refreshed and ready to jump back into her crazy adventurous life! Thank you God, we love you and trust you.

Good night Sweet Lady. Susie

The Bipolar Diva August 29, 2011 at 11:28 PM  

Doing a wee bit better, more meds and more sleep. I'll get back with you all tomorrow. ♥

jen August 30, 2011 at 12:51 PM  

This is something I can't understand, and I hope, for the grace of God, I never will. Hold together, you hot mama. Those kids need you.

collettakay November 30, 2011 at 9:13 AM  

oops. Meant apples and milk?

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