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I Never Really Know What To Say

Friday, September 2, 2011

I guess it's just one of those days. I've been in a contemplative mood since I awoke. So much swirling around me and so much out of my control. My life is changing, all for the better, but it also has me thinking a bit more.

Which has absolutely nothing to do with what I was going to write tonight. I always get a little scared of posting on here when it has to do with a bipolar episode, being bipolar, having to deal with bipolar or things that happen on the more serious side of my life. A lot of that I have on my other blog, that along with my more racy, uninhibited side. Think Fredrick's on crack. If you want the URL to that blog, you can have it as long as you're not family, not someone I see day to day, yeah I know I've made some exceptions, and you can't be judgemental. But back to this post.

I'm always afraid, or have been lately, about being judged by a label. That's all it is. It's a label that had I not gone through years of trauma wouldn't have been given to me. Am I any different because of that label? Well yes and no. I can judge myself more accurately, I tend to think about things a little more, I make sure I take my medication, which only serves to quell my creativity it seems.  But in reality I'm still me. It's what makes me me. I'm always ready for an adventure, sometimes I should think those times through a little more, but hey, being impulsive is a symptom of bipolar so I'm entitled right? I've raised 8 kids, I've run a business and I freaking live next to a pack of goats that I haven't yet killed, so I manage pretty damned well.

I've always been open, too open at times. But I wonder if people look at me differently, more cautiously. I mean, we all know the horror stories of seriously messed up people with bipolar, but we rarely hear of the ones that pretty much have it together and manage quite well. One of my reasons for being out front about my disorder was to quash the myths, the stereotypes, of bipolar disorder.

The last time I saw my psychiatrist she told me that she was impressed how together I was, how well I managed my life and I that seem to have a real handle on it all. I was like "Hell freaking yeah! Score!" I kind of look at it like this. What's bipolar when I've been through stalkers, serious accidents, my mom and cousin being killed by negligent doctors, dealing with the NICU and fragile babies, my grandson dying and all the other shit that's happened in my life? Dealing with bipolar after all of that is a freaking piece of cake.

But I wonder how far is too far? When do I hold back? When do I continue? I've gotten so many emails from other people that deal with bipolar that really encourage me to keep it up, to tell it like it is. But I can't help but wonder. I can't help but think that some may take it the wrong way and think I'm some sort of serial killer, or totally deranged.

So I'm left to wonder, "How far is too far?"


Dee September 2, 2011 at 10:08 PM  

That's a good question girl, I wish I knew. Hell, I wish I could be as open in my blog as you are. But fear of my in laws judging me keeps me from being so open. Maybe I need to keep another (more private) blog like you do! I'd love the link to your other blog girl, if you don't mind! Have a great weekend boo!

The Bipolar Diva September 2, 2011 at 10:36 PM  

I've pretty much always been the loud mouth in my family, not really loud, but outspoken I guess. So the family is pretty used to it I think?

Susie - Walking Butterfly September 2, 2011 at 10:50 PM  

You are my hero Diva, don't ever stop being real!

Rob-bear September 2, 2011 at 10:54 PM  

Labels: mom, biker, bipolar, grandma, business owner, writer, Republican. Those are just some of the ways we know you.
We love you because of, or in spite of, those labels, which are a long way from telling us who Diva Teri is.

The Bipolar Diva September 2, 2011 at 11:03 PM  

you guys are making me smile. Thank you so much.

And Rob, I think you meant to say that you love in in spite of me being Republican! lol

Tracey cat September 2, 2011 at 11:45 PM  

Too much , too far is up to you and you only. I think we all know inside when we are going to cross that line or we sit and contemplate what the ramifications would be- to me thats a sign that its too much. If i was typing my blog to a bunch of people i only knew on the web, shit, id tell it all. Why not? I love to talk and i like getting others opinions and discussing things but... I dont know who is reading this stuff. What if its a co worker, a neighbor, or a teacher of my sons lol. Nahhh sorry thats TMI, i like my private life private to "live" people. So, it would depend on your audience. You never wanna tell someone something that they could ever use against you in some way- i always tend to think of that- guess i been burned too many times. But be raw- in your private blog- i think it helps as therapy, i really do. HUGS

MarkD60 September 3, 2011 at 5:27 AM  

Don't compare other peoples outsides to your insides. In other words, don't compare how others look to how you feel.

Classic NYer September 3, 2011 at 5:45 AM  

What does it matter if people think you're a serial killer, as long as they don't have any evidence.

Carol-Anne September 3, 2011 at 7:12 AM  

I have a home decor/lifestyle blog and often have the same question! How can I post about curtains and pillows when I'm suffering from a terrible bout of depression or just found out my son's a pot-head? Do I just carry on mindlessly, or do I post it?????

At least your blog seems meant to discuss such things (and I admire you for it).

I have done a post on OCD and it got lots of positive feedback. But the 'bigger' stuff might be too much.

(don't think I'm ready for the more 'personal' blog...I'll just stick with this one. i'm a bit of a prude!)

Samantha September 3, 2011 at 8:27 AM  

I saw your blog on the Ladies Bloggers Tea social, I think its great how open you are and that probably has a lot to do with how well you are put together. Too many people are afraid of themselves and learning truths about themselves. I am currently in a relationship with a man who refuses to be seen by a mental health professional, he has some serious issues and right now I've been debating leaving if it doens't get better. Its been tough and he is so hard headed. But there is still hope for him yet.

Thanks again!

Rob-bear September 3, 2011 at 9:51 AM  

Because of, or in spite of, your being mom, biker, bipolar, grandma, business owner, writer, and uh, oh yeah, Republican.
I stand by my comment!

Christy September 3, 2011 at 2:05 PM  

If they don't like you then that is their problem. If you need to say it then say it. If you are feeling like not being so vocal then don't. It is entirely up to you.

Furry Bottoms September 3, 2011 at 5:48 PM  

I love you exactly how you are. Labels can be very difficult to deal with... because it gives people who don't know better the wrong ideas. Which is why I never tell people I have borderline personality disorder. Once people hear that, they immediately think of all the bad things about it... being a drama queen, being overly emotional and causing problems so its better to not know me so you can avoid all that. SO WRONG! Not everyone with BPD is like that. So I do understand somewhat I think.

You're everything you're supposed to be, in my book. Labels or not. You're Teri to me. And I love Teri!

As for those who take offense, well, let them deal with it on their own. It was their decision to become offended. Their decision, their mess, they can clean up after themselves~!

Unknown September 4, 2011 at 8:34 AM  

You know what, to hell with those that can't handle the raw truth that is bipolar. The truth with the variation of symptoms and behaviors that are as wildly different as grains of sands in the ocean. They can't handle the truth because they are looking it in the eye day to day with theirselves or someone they love and naming it puts it out front for treatment. They cannot break their perfect little bubble of their life with a diagnosis like bipolar. So screw them and keep putting it in their faces. Their refusal to admit can lead to the loss of a life, your constant reminder may be the one thing that saves that life..

Ed Pilolla September 14, 2011 at 1:35 PM  

i fear labels as well, and my medication really hurts on creativity as well. a challenge indeed.

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