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I'll Just Roll With It

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

I know I've told you that with this blog I try to keep things light hearted most of the time. You know, so you realize that those of us affected with bipolar aren't all crazy pants and in dire need of hospitalization, well most of the time. I've had my fair share of days where xanex is the thread I hang by.

I do realize that I'm lucky in the fact that, for someone with bipolar disorder, I cope very well, except for the boxes of expensive lingerie that keep showing up on my doorstep delivered by a big brown truck. Oh, and girls, matching lingerie please. Being unmatched just isn't, well it just isn't proper.

I need to write a little more seriously tonight, mainly because I'm facing a significant loss in my life, actually a pretty damned devastating loss. Out of respect for the other person and others that are involved I'll try to keep this somewhat vague. I just need to freaking process. I need someone to listen, to hear my not so silent screams. Ok, I didn't actually scream, on the outside anyway. But I did pretty much lose it.

When I got the news this afternoon I immediately went into survival mode. It's kind of what I've learned to do over the years. If you know me at all you know that shit hits the fan around here pretty much on a weekly basis. I get through. I compartmentalize. I deal with it when I'm good and ready to deal with it. I control it, or I think I control it, when in reality I know it's controlling me.

I don't have that luxury this time. I have to act and I have to act fast. That means having to deal with the loss and deal with it now. I can't hide it away and pretend it's not going to happen. I can't deny the fact that it's here and it's now. I can't deny the fact that my life will forever change.

I like to feel I'm in control of my life, and for the most part I am, but this is something I have no control over. I certainly wish I did. But it's just not going to happen my way this time. The Diva will be denied. Somehow that just doesn't sound right.

I hate the feeling of my life spinning out of bounds. I hate the uncertainty of the unknown. I hate feeling the tears welling up with no where to go, God forbid I have a stuffy nose so I can't sleep tonight or puffy eyes at the gym tomorrow, then I'll really be pissed. God forbid the facade begins to crack.

So while inside I'm losing it, tomorrow I'll get on my gym clothes, grab coffee and get my butt to the gym. I'll try to work through the hurt and the loss with the weights. They'll become my comfort in the next month or so, they'll become my way out, my diversion.

I'll smile, I'll move forward. I won't like it in the least but I'll get through this and I'll survive. I'm not really sure how it'll happen, but it will happen. When you look at me you'll never know how much I'm hurting, you'll never see the fear, you'll never see the tears.


Gucci Mama September 14, 2011 at 7:28 PM  

Is this what I think it is?


Tracey cat September 14, 2011 at 7:31 PM  

Hi honey, im sure you know but ill say it anyway, if you want to vent or talk, im here, you know how to reach me. Anytime...xoxo

MichaelHarley September 14, 2011 at 7:35 PM  

"the Diva will be denied" -you know how atrocious that sounds?? such a cruel world. I hope eventually you find your peace. You hang in there and try to manage as best you can. Sending you virtual hugs from afar.

The Bipolar Diva September 14, 2011 at 7:36 PM  

Thanks Michael. You know all about it. And I'm wishing you an incredible time on the Devil's Tail!

The Bipolar Diva September 14, 2011 at 7:37 PM  

Tabbie; I know you are. I'll email you.

middle child September 14, 2011 at 7:45 PM  

I do see your tears. They are coming out of my eyes.

Rob-bear September 14, 2011 at 9:07 PM  

This is turning into more than a Bear can bear.
I'll come over and hold your paw for a while, if that would help.
Oops; I mean hand, not paw — come and hold your hand. (Humans don't have paws; Bears do — I sometimes forget.)
Blessings and Bear hugs in the meantime.

Tracie Nall September 14, 2011 at 10:07 PM  

I'm so sorry you are going through crisis right now.

Sending you love and praying for you!

Many HUGS. ~Pop Pop~ September 14, 2011 at 11:33 PM  

So sorry to hear. You know I am always here to listen to you vent, or just a shoulder to lean on. Anything you need...........
Many HUGS!

highheeledlife September 15, 2011 at 5:30 AM  

Keeping you in thought and prayer that this feeling of loss, fear and not in control you feel inside will pass quickly. I know no words we say right now will lessen any of the emotions you are feeling ~ hopefully the knowledge that someone across the miles hears and understands what you are saying ( if you were to meet me, you would not guess all that I have gone through and go through on a daily basis ~ just to appear "normal" ~ the inside does not match the outer package)... You are a SURVIVOR! Blessings xo HHL

Carrie September 15, 2011 at 6:54 AM  

Diva, you know where to find me if you need me. <3

Furry Bottoms September 15, 2011 at 7:54 AM  

Oh dear, I hate that you have to go deal with this, whatever it is. Maybe you'll say its part of life, but it doesn't have to be. I'm here for you, you can count on that.

I can think of several things this might be, but whatever it is, I know you can survive it. I'm sending you loads of hugs and kisses.

Copyboy September 15, 2011 at 9:04 AM  

Yeah I'm sure you got a zillion well-deserved invitations but if you ever need to e-vent or iTalk I'm here for ya.

Copyboy September 15, 2011 at 9:04 AM  

Yeah I'm sure you got a zillion well-deserved invitations but if you ever need to e-vent or iTalk I'm here for ya.

The Bipolar Diva September 15, 2011 at 11:11 AM  

Thanks to you all. Your support means more to me than I can put into words.

Nolie September 15, 2011 at 12:46 PM  

Not sure what is going on but you have me worried. You know about 3 different ways to reach me. Pick one. In the meantime sending you lots and lots of hugs.

Classic NYer September 15, 2011 at 2:34 PM  

I have no idea what you're talking about. I do know this, though: if I have to hitchhike back out to Oregon to kiss you and hold your hand, I'll do it.

The Bipolar Diva September 15, 2011 at 4:49 PM  

Thanks Nolie and Classic, I'll email you tonight.

Maasiyat September 15, 2011 at 5:34 PM  

I'm sorry you're hurting and I definitely feel you and understand how it is. We're the one everyone leans but who do we lean on? You're always in my thoughts.

Kelly September 15, 2011 at 5:47 PM  

Thinking of you honey!

W.C.Camp September 15, 2011 at 5:55 PM  

Hang in there Diva. You are a survivor and deserve your many friends. Trust that they will be here for you through thick and thin. W.C.C.

The Bipolar Diva September 15, 2011 at 6:01 PM  


Yes, I will survive. thank you so much.

Dazee Dreamer September 15, 2011 at 6:08 PM  

oh man. this is not good. you are in my thoughts.

Debbie September 15, 2011 at 6:38 PM  

so sorry for your hurt !I understand that silent screams and the smiles when your heart is burning!! I also write when I need to get it all out..

Teresa September 16, 2011 at 4:45 AM  

I love love love your blog. I read it all the time and find comfort in knowing that we are all in a similar state of having hurdles thrown at us and getting by with a little humor, support and lots of vodka. Sending you big internet hugs and wishing you peace.

Just Two Chicks September 16, 2011 at 8:05 AM  

I'm really sorry you're struggling through a loss, and even more sorry that you can't actually talk about it in your blog, or cry about. I hate having to put up a facade... and mine does eventually crack. It is NOT pretty when that happens, and I'm not talking appearances. No matter how much I take out my grief, anger, whatever, someone will suffer when I lose it. People once called me the Texas Tornado because of this! ;)

I can totally relate to therapy shopping too. I get into trouble for it... then guess what? I need for therapy ;)

Maybe by now, you're doing better. I'm way behind on my reading.

The Bipolar Diva September 16, 2011 at 11:38 AM  

Debbie, Teresa and Two Chicks, thank you so much!

jen September 16, 2011 at 11:04 PM  

Somehow I missed this post. Misery loves company. That's why we post it, right? Hope your trip on that pink gal of yours gets your head in a better place.

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