Monday, October 17, 2011
When I first started The Bipolar Diva I did so for cathartic reasons as well as to bring awareness to a disorder too many times misunderstood. Somehow that word became taboo on here. Oh I wrote about the generalities, but none of the realities, none of the painful truths that I experience.
Today I'm writing in the midst of a full blown attack.You may wonder how I know it's a bipolar attack and not that of panic and/or anxiety.
It's easy. The will to live vanishes. There's a vortex that follows me masquerading as a shadow hoping my very being will give in and I will make that one movement to dangle my toes over the edge. Than BAM! It has me in its crushing talons.
In the past it was worse. There are the times I'd give in to the allure of the razor blade, the pills and sometimes a drink or seven. All in the attempt to climb out of the vacuum and numb the pain. What they did was to draw me further into the abyss.
Rational thought vaporizes only to be replaced with thoughts of a much darker nature. Thoughts of allowing the soul stealing sickness to end my existence bombard me. The will to take one more step goes up in smoke.
It began this morning with an argument that seemed to attack my self worth, my existence, my being. I said "seemed" since I'm not sure if it really did or if it was an attack of the insidious disorder.
All I could think of on the way home was to get to a clean razor blade, To open my arms and let out the pain, to watch the live giving fluid that flows within in me fall in ribbons around my arms. I trace the drops with my finger as well as with sight. It shows me I live. It also serves as a distraction. I know that must seem unusual to you and it's difficult for me to describe it accurately. The sight of the crimson drops is strangely euphoric. It brings immediate peace and I can breathe again.
I only gave in to part today, I carefully counted out pills. I thought if I could go to bed and sleep, the monster would leave. I was wrong, when I awoke he was still here. My resolve is to stay away from the blades, stay away from people and to carefully monitor my medication consumption.
The medication I took to sleep the day away is still with me. I'm groggy and incoherent. It's taking me a while to type, to listen and to understand. I still feel its effects and I only want to sleep again.
I sit in my room and wait for tomorrow to come in the hopes that the monster has been banished.