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The Abyss

Monday, October 17, 2011

When I first started The Bipolar Diva I did so for cathartic reasons as well as to bring awareness to a disorder too many times misunderstood. Somehow that word became taboo on here. Oh I wrote about the generalities, but none of the realities, none of the painful truths that I experience.

Today I'm writing in the midst of a full blown attack.You may wonder how I know it's a bipolar attack and not that of panic and/or anxiety.

It's easy. The will to live vanishes. There's a vortex that follows me masquerading as a shadow hoping my very being will give in and I will make that one movement to dangle my toes over the edge. Than BAM! It has me in its crushing talons.

In the past it was worse. There are the times I'd give in to the allure of the razor blade, the pills and sometimes a drink or seven. All in the attempt to climb out of the vacuum and numb the pain. What they did was to draw me further into the abyss. 

Rational thought vaporizes only to be replaced with thoughts of a much darker nature. Thoughts of allowing the soul stealing sickness to end my existence bombard me. The will to take one more step goes up in smoke.

It began this morning with an argument that seemed to attack my self worth, my existence, my being. I said "seemed" since I'm not sure if it really did or if it was an attack of the insidious disorder.

All  I could think of on the way home was to get to a clean razor blade, To open my arms and let out the pain, to watch the live giving fluid that flows within in me fall in ribbons around my arms. I trace the drops with my finger as well as with sight.  It shows me I live.  It also serves as a distraction. I know that must seem unusual to you and it's difficult for me to describe it accurately. The sight of the crimson drops is strangely euphoric. It brings immediate peace and I can breathe again.

I only gave in to part today, I carefully counted out pills. I thought if I could go to bed and sleep, the monster would leave. I was wrong, when I awoke he was still here. My resolve is to stay away from the blades, stay away from people and to carefully monitor my medication consumption.

The medication I took to sleep the day away is still with me. I'm groggy and incoherent. It's taking me a while to type, to listen and to understand. I still feel its effects and I only want to sleep again.

I sit in my room and wait for tomorrow to come in the hopes that the monster has been banished.

23 comments:

jen October 17, 2011 at 9:08 PM  

I can't imagine living with a demon like that lurking around the corner. Prayers your way tonight. Here's hoping he's shoved his sorry butt back in the closet tomorrow morning.

jojo October 17, 2011 at 9:51 PM  

I had no idea...thank you for sharing such a personal part of your life. Please be careful and move forward to a lighter place in your spirit. take care.

KansasSunflower October 18, 2011 at 2:20 AM  

I'm so very sorry Diva! I know that feeling only too well, I live in constant fear of it returning! And it always does, eventually. Don't let it last too long before you go see your doctor, ok? It's critical that you get medical attention soon! I'm thinking of you!

Red Brick Film October 18, 2011 at 3:21 AM  

I guess that you would have to decide is it really worth it? What about the loved ones that you would leave behind. Just because someone does not tell you does not mean that there is that someone that doesn't love you. Another human being crushed for life because of your untimely demise. Never let the monster win. Find that inner you and give yourself some pleasure. Find that something that excites you and let it free. I got off my meds a year ago. I was willing to live with the side effects with the exception of one side effect. With two females in my household being hormonal I decided to simply make me happy and let them be. Be good to yourself I would mis your musings.

Singedwingangel October 18, 2011 at 6:28 AM  

As a momto a bipolar I totally understand this. Watching my son swing from one stage to the next violently has been heart wrenching. Thankfully his meds have kept many of the swings at bay but when they hit like you he wants to cut. Currently his thing is simply attempting to get a knife to squeeze in his hand. It used to be burning himself. Sending you prayers and angels to surround you and fight this battle for you.
Jehovah Rophe, Lord your word tells me that in teh midst of any storm I am never alone. When I cannot walk you carry me, when the storm grows to great you will hold my hand and walk with me on the water. Lord I call forth mighty warring angels to surround my friend. To fight the demons that come with this disorder. To whisper peace and your unending protection in her ear as the battle rages around her. In the might name of Jesus Amen

D. Scandal October 18, 2011 at 7:07 AM  

Hang in there! We're here for you.

PieBowler October 18, 2011 at 7:48 AM  

I had one of those recently -strange how logical they seem when you are in the throes of it...i told my wife and felt better ( a little) I wrote like mad on the computer - pure stream of consciousness - and that also helped

Furry Bottoms October 18, 2011 at 8:13 AM  

I totally understand that "feeling" that you cannot describe that comes with cutting. It just brings immediate relief, release, something. It just makes you feel better for the moment.

It used to be that when I was at work and I was at the cusp of an emotional overflow, I would seek out a box cutter in the office and then go to the bathroom to do business. It always halted my emotions immediately and I would feel tons better right away. I could go back to my desk all normal again. Just the weirdest thing... but we know it's just not the way to go, according to society.

Sending you lots of love and hugs. You will be OK.

Pat October 18, 2011 at 8:16 AM  

Wow. I worry about you when you are so down like this. Can you call your therapist for an emergency meeting? Please, please take care of yourself. I care about you.

Gucci Mama October 18, 2011 at 9:18 AM  

Diva. I just love you. I wish I knew what else to say.

My Mercurial Nature October 18, 2011 at 10:51 AM  

Hang in there, Diva...sleep it away, try, try, try to let it wash over you until the darkness moves on. I'm with you today...sinking, trying not to flounder and sputter and look for ways out. Just to ride it out. ((HUGS))

The Bipolar Diva October 18, 2011 at 12:05 PM  

Thanks to you all. I saw my psychiatrist this morning and today I feel better. It's still hanging on be a thread, but I'll stay busy today and by tomorrow I should be back on track.

Mad Mind October 18, 2011 at 2:43 PM  

I think the only positive I can come up with is that it will pass. It always does. Just remember you are a strong woman. I know that and you will persevere. :)

Recovering Church Lady October 18, 2011 at 10:34 PM  

Oh sweet woman I am so sorry but also so impressed with who you are and how you have learned to fight this thing.
You have my prayers because this takes someone bigger than either of us doesn't it? Sending you hugs.

Rob-bear October 18, 2011 at 11:51 PM  

Oh, so very sad, Ms. Diva.
Blessings and Bear hugs. Lots of Bear hugs.

Saracide October 19, 2011 at 2:13 AM  

I'm sorry you've been feeling down. Suddenly that's where I'm at today. I think you described it perfectly.
Hugs to you.

Maasiyat October 19, 2011 at 7:47 AM  

You're in my thoughts. I know those days all too well. Hang in there. I know how seductive the blade can be. Taunting and teasing you. Resist its call. You're much stronger and better and braver than you realize.

myinnerchick.com October 19, 2011 at 10:55 AM  

soul stealing***

Diva, this is such a perfect way to describe depression & mental illness.

It is a monster that sucks EVERYTHING UP. I HATE IT.

But remember, the monster will not get your soul...even though he wants it.

NEVER. NEVER.

You are in this world for a reason. You touch so many with your raw honesty, sweetness, writing, words & LOVE.

I understand. After Kay, everything changed. EVERYTHING.

Sometimes (often) I feel the soul stealer and monster breathing upon me, too.

Living is so much harder than dying...

--thinking of you. praying for you.

Sending you love love love this very minute ....Xxx

Camilleta October 19, 2011 at 11:25 AM  

*hugs* All too familiar feelings for me. I hope you felt better after writing about it! My self treatment is also sleep, I take a Benedryl... Or if I can't sleep, I exercise, that usually kicks me into mania.

~Onreeone~ October 19, 2011 at 9:55 PM  

No one who is not you and not walked in your shoes has any idea what it feels like to be you...bottom line. Though I have never felt the blade, I feel the pain. I feel the longing to dissipate into thin air. Honestly, it if were not for my children, I know I wouldn't be here. I have never been diagnosed with this disease, but I don't need a diagnosis to know what I have. My loving thoughts and words of truth I hope resonate in you as you feel this way for now. But remember, it never lasts. The monster will go away and you will feel like living again. Not to make light of a situation which is not...but make sure as hell that you are counting those pills and counting the time in betwixt you take them. I know when I get into one of my self induced hazes it is hard to recall what time I took the last hand full to make me just not feel and to just lay in complete silence, alone, and away from all of it. And then I wake up feeling guilty because I felt that way at all. A never ending rolling coaster, that's what it is. Love and Hugs from the armpit of Illinois~ I will be thinking of you:)

Classic NYer October 20, 2011 at 10:50 AM  

If I could hold you and kiss the pain away...

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