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A Little More Invasive

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

I'm not sure why I like filling out forms, well, except for the completely useless ones the school sends out at the beginning of every year. Really, why did I ever have to fill out the same 327 questions for eight kids every year my kids were in school? I finally wised up to that one and taught the kids to fill the forms out themselves and forge my signature.

Anyway, back to forms. I had MRIs last night, one with contrast and the other without, and along with the tests came forms. The questions began rather benign.


Previous MRI - no
Allergies - penicillin, erythromycin, and cogentin
Claustrophobia - no

Then they got a little more invasive:

Nursing mother - not just no, but HELL FREAKING NO! Been there done that, besides, see these boobs? Well you can't because, well you're on that side of the screen and I'm on this side, but they pretty much rock. After all I paid to have them lifted and perfectly placed AIN'T NO WAY ANY GNAWING KID IS GONNA GET A HOLD OF THEM!

Any chance of pregnancy? If so I'd be paging Dr. Kevorkian STAT!

Metal shank attaching artificial eye - uh, creeepy. Did they reeeeallly have to use the word "shank?"

Eyelid spring or wire - WHAT? They make such a thing?

Penile implant - excuse me while I check that one out, what the eff?

Implanted ports - you mean like USB? I'm lost at this point.

I'm checking "no, no and no."

Then the comes question that gets me, "Any tattoos?" My first thought was "what in the hell is this thing going to do to my tattoos?"

The technician walks out about that time and I ask him, shallow as I am, if the test is going to screw up my tattoos. I didn't know, I mean, why would it be on the form?

"Well ma'am," he asks, "did you get your tattoos in prison?"

What in the world? "LOOK AT ME! DO I LOOK LIKE I'VE BEEN IN PRISON? DO I LOOK LIKE SOMEONE THAT WOULD LET BUBBA TATTOO ME WITH A SHARPENED PAPER CLIP OR A MECHANICAL PENCIL?"

"Well ma'am, we never know who may have been in prison and may have been tattooed there."


Then I realized this is the guy that's gonna put me on a table, stick a very big, very sharp needle in my arm and shoot me full of who knows what. Then he's going to send me head first into a big magnetic tube. I'd better watch my mouth and my attitude.

"I'm sorry. No, I've never been in prison. No, Bubba never tattooed me."

"Ma'am, please follow me."

"Oh shit!"


FYI, no results yet. Maybe tomorrow. Frustrating. At least I'm alive and my tattoos are in tact.


9 comments:

MarkD60 November 2, 2011 at 5:04 AM  

Don't you know anything? The penile implant goes in the implanted port, located under the metal shank!

High Heeled Life November 2, 2011 at 6:20 AM  

LOL ... at tattoo part. The Mr. just had an MRI earlier this week and his responses/thoughts/questions were pretty much the same as yours. After each question I would hear him mumble , Why do they need to know that? ...

Being one that is put together with lots of pins, screws,wires, plates and artificial elbow ... and who goes through many x-rays, MRIs etc (for follow ups) ... I often wonder when I check the appropriate boxes YES ~ what difference does it make ? they still put me in there?

Great post! Hope your results are back soon (the not knowing is the hardest part) ...Hugs, HHL

jen November 2, 2011 at 7:40 AM  

How do we live these parallel lives? I was also in the MRI tube last night, and I have the story to go with it. Tomorrow's post. How do we manage this?

Babes Mami November 2, 2011 at 10:20 AM  

Sometimes those tattoos have teensy weensy pieces of magnetic stuff in them and the MRI will move it around. Which hurts.

Hope you get results SOON!

The Bipolar Diva November 2, 2011 at 1:31 PM  

Mark, I think you're on to something!

Dazee Dreamer November 2, 2011 at 5:34 PM  

even tho the crap you are going through is scary, god, you cracked me up with your answers.

Once on the freaking weight question I put too much

My Mercurial Nature November 2, 2011 at 6:05 PM  

Did you ever find out what implanted ports are? Weird!

Rob-bear November 2, 2011 at 8:52 PM  

They are just trying to be careful.
They have your best interests at heart.
Rick Perry is a Democrat.
Which statement is not right? (Oh, and there may be more than one which is incorrect.)
;)

Just Be Real November 6, 2011 at 3:35 AM  

I just dropped by your blog. I appreciate what you are sharing. Blessings.

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