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Notice of Imminent Death

Sunday, November 6, 2011

I'm sure most of you remember my son Cole. You know, the one that was hit and left for dead on the side of the road by a high school coach? As his mother I can tell you his death is imminent, after all I brought the little shit into this world and I can take him out.

Today when I got home from the shooting range with the monkeys, Jakob and Jeremiah, Cole was full of mischief. For some reason he latched on to me as his victim of the hour. I walked into the house and saw him and his VERY pregnant wife, Sara, sitting on the couch.

I said "Hey children," and he quips "Hey elderly parental unit."

Screeching halt! Rewind!

"What did you say to me?"

"Do you not remember my elderly mother?"

"You're diggin' a hole boy. One I'm gonna bury you in."

The Sara piped in, "Soon you'll have your AARP card!"

I informed her that I'd NEVER join AARP, the freaking lobbying group!

"Yeah Mom," Cole continued, "soon you'll be getting coupons in the mail for Depends."

"I'M ONLY 49!"

Then Sara chimes in again, "Yep, those social security checks will be rolling in soon."

At that point I'm thinking "I'll wait until baby Jackson is born and then I'll kill BOTH Cole AND Sara!" Disrespectful little heathens! I KNOW I taught the boy better than that!

"Why is it again, Mom, that you color your hair and get botox?"

"I'M ONLY 49!"

"Yeah right," he smirks. "That's pretty darn close to over the hill, if you're not already there that is."

At that point I'm inching closer to the sharp ceramic knives, the really sharp ceramic knives. Then I thought better of it. I watched an episode of CSI where the killer was caught by the tip of a ceramic knife left in the body of the victim. That's when I remembered I'd just got home from the gun range and I had six loaded guns within arms length. I thought better of that too. There's the whole DNA and witness thing. If I took out one, I'd have to take them all out. Raw salmon crossed my mind as well, but they're KIDS, not dogs.

So I huffed out of the living room instead. I went straight into my bathroom. I turned on the magnifying mirror and checked my face for wrinkles. Then I looked to see if there was any more gray hair in my roots. Where in the hell is my Retin A cream, I thought as I dialed my colorist to make an appointment.

Depends my ass!


My Mercurial Nature November 6, 2011 at 4:58 PM  

LOL! Just remember, don't lick anything at the scene of the crime!

Susie - Walking Butterfly November 6, 2011 at 5:07 PM  

Guns and knives within reach?! wow, he is a lucky lucky boy!!

Liz Mays November 6, 2011 at 5:10 PM  

One day his kids are going to do the very same to him and it's gonna be sweet!

The Bipolar Diva November 6, 2011 at 5:12 PM  

Mercurial Nature.....NO to saliva! lol

The Bipolar Diva November 6, 2011 at 5:12 PM  

Church Lady;

Yeah, the witnesses and DNA brought me to my senses! lol

The Bipolar Diva November 6, 2011 at 5:13 PM  


He actually said the other day he can't wait to be an old man and buy "cool old man shirts at good will." The kid's something else!

Dazee Dreamer November 6, 2011 at 5:27 PM  

hahahaha. kids. ya gotta love um

Unknown November 6, 2011 at 5:41 PM  

I would politely remind him that raising him had caused many of the wrinkles and gray hairs he was so lovingly pointing out.. Then say they are NOT greys they are STRESS Highlights and you kids cause most of my stress...Oh btw you did know as a bipolar you could kill and get away with it claiming med failure.. just a thought.

Cloudia November 6, 2011 at 5:55 PM  


You young thing!

don;t let those embryos get to you-

Aloha from Honolulu

Comfort Spiral

> < } } ( ° >


Velvet_Heaven November 6, 2011 at 6:09 PM  

I love this!
He just needs to remember what goes around, comes around ;)

Pat November 6, 2011 at 8:19 PM  

You look MAH-velous, darling, don't let that kid fool you! Plus, don't you know that 49 and holding is the new 30?

Rob-bear November 6, 2011 at 8:25 PM  

Perhaps their goal in life is to help you learn humility.

NO, I don't believe that either.

Nolie November 6, 2011 at 8:41 PM  

Well then be happy I am not your daughter. I will not tell you about all the evil things I have said and/or done to my mom since she turned 50.

Candace November 6, 2011 at 10:08 PM  

i saw that same episode of CSI! piece of shit knives, aren't good for anything except cutting meat, granite, and beer cans.

MichaelHarley November 7, 2011 at 1:40 AM  

Everyone ages, some more graceful than others. Wow, 49?? I would've guessed much younger, which goes to show you are holding very well. As for their remarks, you should've just went with it and joked about some of the things they did "not long ago" when they were younger, embarrassing things they wouldn't want you to bring up. It's all a mind game and either you can laugh at it or join the game. have fun!

MarkD60 November 7, 2011 at 4:34 AM  

Yep, I'm surprised he lived this long.
PS, 49 is YOUNG!

Christy November 7, 2011 at 8:47 AM  

My kids do the same thing to me all the time. I refuse to let them get to me.

I know you aren't old because that would make me old. And that is just not true!!!

Unknown November 7, 2011 at 12:15 PM  

They are just jealous of how good you look.

Oh and I am turning 40 in two days and my wife bought me just for men hair coloring and my friends gave me depends...

So I guess I am right there with you...

Anonymous,  November 7, 2011 at 4:21 PM you've got my hubby interested. Guns, harley, anti-AARP...he likes you!

highheeledlife November 7, 2011 at 8:36 PM  

LOL... Children, what can you do with them.. lol... ah the silver lining (no pun intended) ... when they are asking for babysitting after the baby is born... you can remind them that as an elderly person you would love to babysit but are afraid you may forget the baby is at your home and go out for your hair appointment. ..

Thanks for the chuckle..xo HHL

P.S. may we all look as great as you when the next 5 years - take there toll on this end. Besides 49 is the new 39...xo

Unknown November 8, 2011 at 7:57 AM  

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Copyboy November 8, 2011 at 9:19 AM  

Disrespectful little heathens? Or cherished cherubs who cause a gray hair or 5? Not that I noticed. You look amazing.

Crisc November 9, 2011 at 12:43 AM  

Payback will come when Sara has her Then you can curse them with the 10 times worse deal my mom did me. Not only that but you can buy the kid the most annoying toys ever then sneak him sugar when no ones looking. You will have the last laugh =)

The Bipolar Diva November 9, 2011 at 9:05 AM  

Oh, I've done that with the other ones and with this one, for SURE!

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