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All Too Real

Friday, December 16, 2011

It's like nothing I've experienced before
oh I've experienced fear
 it's knocked on my door from time to time

fear of losing the house
fear of being manic
fear of the possibility of two of my grandchildren dying

fear knowing I would watch another one perish 

fear of my children being affected by my defective gene

fear of being me, living in my skin, living in my world
however I've never experienced fear like this before

it's all encompassing, enveloping yet elusive

I know it's real 
I know it has a face
I know it has a name but I'm not sure how

I feel it
I smell it
I sense it in my heart
it's beyond my grasp, but it's seared into my soul
its dark heaviness surrounds me
it's consuming me
taking my air
stealing my existence
I wait knowing any day could be the day
any moment, the moment

it has an all knowing smile, a twinkle in its eye
it has me in it's grips, its talons piercing my flesh
It's become my reality
my world

I sit, I wait
and I know there's nothing I can do


Unknown December 16, 2011 at 3:38 AM  

OH but sweetie there is. For He who has begun a good work in you will also finish it. Now in him who believes there is no more fear nor condemnation. for He has made you the head and not the tail, the lender not the borrower, all things work together for His good to those who love and seek Him.
Psalm 91 . If King David, who was called by GOD a man after his own heart can suffer from bipolar and depression and anxiety then know that you are never alone in your journey. He has never left you alone, but your mind would like you to think He has. For God has not given us a spirit of fear but of SOUND MIND. Speak the word to yourself, out loud. Why speak it? Because when you begin to speak it stops the thoughts in their tracks. It is physically impossible for us to read aloud and continue to have thoughts that disagree with what we are saying. The brain cannot manage to do both. It has to stop the thought process to focus on the words we are reading. I know cause I have been there too many times to count. Know that I am constantly praying for you and over you. I love ya and this too shall pass.

Debbie December 16, 2011 at 4:01 AM  

What an amazing post...praying that as you wait you come to know that you are OK!

jen December 16, 2011 at 4:29 AM  

Hang in there. Just do your best and know I'm thinking of you.

MarkD60 December 16, 2011 at 4:30 AM  

If you're worried about something and can do something about it, you can do it so there's no point in worrying. If you're worried about something and can't do anything about it, then you can't do anything about it, so there's no point in worrying.

Carol-Anne December 16, 2011 at 5:23 AM  

I don't want to sound trite here, and sound all, "Yah, me too" about this post. But at this very moment, I, too, am living in the grip of constant terror. The worst of it is that there is nothing I can do to change the situation that's causing the fear, I just have to wait it out and hope for the best.

And that's the hardest part of all.

Wishing you some peace from Toronto Canada.

Leo December 16, 2011 at 6:10 AM  

While the message is a bit scary...this is beautifully written. Hope that this passes and makes your stronger.

Leo December 16, 2011 at 6:12 AM  

While the message is a bit ominous, your words are so beautifully written. I have find when I write things down, it makes the situation better. I hope this is the case for you.

Just Two Chicks December 16, 2011 at 7:07 AM  

I really hope this isn't about you and your husband. I loved your video, and I hated reading that he's stated he will leave you. I really just figured, that at the time, he was drawing a line, a boundary, you had better not cross again. From reading your post afterward, it seemed to me like you were working very hard on both of you and taking responsibility for your part of the problem. All very important!!

I know school is important, but maybe you should talk to him, and find out if he simply needs you there for him for awhile, rather than going to school? I just remember the stress school put on everyone who surrounded me. I still want to go back, but I know better than to try right now.

I don't know... I hate this for you both, and for your family. :( I wish I had answers, but we're all so very unique, that no amount of advice will change things... just you knowing your partner in life, and doing what you can to fix things.

Christy December 16, 2011 at 7:31 AM  

Breathe.........If you need to talk you have my number. All I can say for now is....It will be all right because it will pass. In the meantime, I'm here.

Furry Bottoms December 16, 2011 at 8:03 AM  

Waiting for the bomb to drop...

The Bipolar Diva December 16, 2011 at 9:35 AM  

Thanks so much everyone, It's not my marriage, but rather a wolf waiting to devour me. Time will help, you all help. Thank you so much.

Liz Mays December 16, 2011 at 9:42 AM  

Is it like feeling as if you're surrounded by a bad vibe? I get that sometimes, but I usually can shake it off. I hope this period passes quickly for you!

Susie - Walking Butterfly December 16, 2011 at 9:59 AM  

I am thinking about you and praying for you as i clean my house today. You are not alone.

My Mercurial Nature December 16, 2011 at 12:06 PM  

Alright miss Diva, listen is the best time to remember that the world will wait. It will not all crash around you if you take a break (and I'm not talking about a 10minute break, I'm talking about a day...a weekend...whatever it takes). Accept help, lean on what you need to, and don't let the panic push your buttons (I can see that it already is).

Claudya Martinez December 16, 2011 at 10:00 PM  

The best way out is always through.

Anonymous,  December 17, 2011 at 6:53 AM  

I've been there...tho different circumstances. Your writing is haunting and brought back memories of my fear & despair from few years ago. My Lord helped me thru it, and I pray He would do the same for you. Much love, Jeannie

Gail December 17, 2011 at 7:06 AM  

I hear the fear, I feel it.

Even in your fearfulness, your talent with words shines through.

brandy-son Zen master flash December 17, 2011 at 9:39 AM  

This was beautiful to read. I don't think I've ever told you this but my mom is manic depressive and I relate to a lot of what you write about in a way.

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