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"Just Missing Jack Nicholson"

Saturday, January 14, 2012

That was the Facebook status update the other day from my daughter. Karli, A Bipolar Princess, entered an intensive all day (home at night) hospitalization this past week. She goes in at 8 AM and leaves about 3:30. It will last for several weeks. She's not being admitted because she's been deemed not to be harmful to herself or to others. She can go in on the weekends, but doesn't have to.

She's in several group therapy sessions, some private sessions and lots of medicinal juggling in the hope of finding the "magic" cocktail all of us suffering from bipolar search for.

I gather from a conversation with her that she's doing lots of self preservation and keeping her distance from others.

She made a rather strange comment. She said that being in there makes her grateful for how "crazy" she's not. Evidently there's lots of head banging and a woman living in a world of grandeur. She's in a full length, gold sequined, ball gown with perfect hair and way too much make up.

Karli met with the on staff psychiatrist that told her since she was "used to living with hallucinations," they would only address her PTSD and help her grieving process over Isaiah's death.

Come on! Who in the hell would be "used to living with hallucinations?" Who would want to continue having them in their life. That's the main reason she went there in the first place.

The hallucinations are always present and terrifying. I can't imagine, since my bipolar isn't at the level as hers is, having to live watching frogs and spiders hop and climb on everything all of the time.

Her hallucinations have increased to auditory ones. She said she Jakob was sitting on the couch with her the other day with her having a normal conversation when she realized that he had been in school for several hours.

I hate this for her, I hate it for her kids and I hate it for her husband. Mostly though I feel guilty for passing on something to my child that has put her in a terrible position. I feel badly for being frustrated with her because of a situation she can't has no control over.

My only hope is that the hospital and the intensive therapy will give her some relief and that she'll find the path to recovery.


Babes Mami January 14, 2012 at 10:40 AM  

I hate it for all of you. I hope she gets what she needs. On one hand having a mom with the same (and yet very different) disorder is can relate!

Outcast January 14, 2012 at 11:20 AM  

I really hope that your friend gets things sorted out, it's horrible to hear about her having to go through this but let's pray that she gets the help she needs in this difficult time.

Those group therapy sessions sound interesting though especially since I only watched One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest for the first time very recently, it seems quite the melty situation being around all those crazier people though I guess it makes her appreciative like you say.

Just Two Chicks January 14, 2012 at 11:29 AM  

Has she told them the hallucinations NEED to be addressed. Those CAN eventually lead to her harming herself or others. I cannot believe that!! She needs to stand up for herself on that one... doctors don't know everything, and this time, they are way off. You're right, no one should have to live with this, and no one can get used to hallucinations. Especially when they are changing. Let me go up to that hospital!! Seriously!!

I'm really sorry you're struggling with this as well. I'm sure she doesn't blame you, so you need to stop blaming yourself. Maybe, if it helps, you can look further back in your family history, and blame someone else... just because you know this didn't ALL start with you.

I'll be thinking about you!!! It's going to be okay. She's doing the right thing, and guess what?!? So are you!

Carol-Anne January 14, 2012 at 1:18 PM  

I'm so sorry for you, having to go through this. I can only imagine the horrible mixture of sadness and guilt.

I am thinking good thoughts for you and for karli.

Classic NYer January 14, 2012 at 2:16 PM  

You already know this, but it's not your fault, love.

Christy January 14, 2012 at 4:31 PM  

First of all, this is not your fault. It was passed to you. It is an unfortunate thing heredity.

I'm still not sure why a hospital thinks the hallucinations are something she's used to. Obviously she is having problems with it because she's talking about it.

I would tell her husband to insist they address those too. That is not acceptable.

The Bipolar Diva January 14, 2012 at 4:58 PM  

I told her she needs to attend a session on assertiveness as well. She needs to be able to tell the doctors what she needs and not the other way around. January 14, 2012 at 5:09 PM  

Just know You are Loved.

And none of this is your fault.

Love Love Love.

Praying for you. xx


Rob-bear January 14, 2012 at 7:21 PM  

1. It's not your fault.
2. You love her a whole bunch; that's probably what helps keeps her going.
3. Maybe if the docs get a grip on the PTSD with her, and she is able to grieve for Isaiah, the other stuff will look after itself.
4.Blessings and Bear hugs to all of you!

Anonymous,  January 14, 2012 at 7:35 PM  

Hi Diva, I don't even know what to say...I hurt for you and your daughter. Just know that you have a cyber friend here who's thinking of you...

Karen Mortensen January 14, 2012 at 9:46 PM  

Sending a great big hug to all of you. That must be awful for her. I really hope they are able to help her. All the best. Don't beat yourself up about giving that to your daughter. I do it enough for the both of us. LOL (i sort of gave my son fragile x)

middle child January 15, 2012 at 12:14 AM  

Work on removing the guilt. You know that isn't your fault. I think that if Karli is more concerned about the hallucinations, she needs to let them know. I would think that needs to be addressed first. But perhaps she doesn't feel as we do. I just hope her doctor is on the ball. And the best medicine of all? Prayer.

Unknown January 15, 2012 at 1:01 AM  

A beautiful Mind.. that is all I am going to say.. ok maybe not. You look at all the things wrong, I look at the beauty that she KNOWS she is loved. She knows there is a light at the end of the tunnel. She has enough wherewithall to face this demon head on and wrestle it with all she has because she has learned from the best.. You.. Failure is not an option.. it never has been.. for you or her.

highheeledlife January 15, 2012 at 6:07 AM  

My friend, I am certain words cannot begin to describe what you are feeling. But, know you are not to blame... there is no blaming here. In life we will experience things that we don't understand why? But some how they are part of making us the wonderful person we are destined to be.

Your daughter is BLESSED to have a mother who is loving, compassionate, full of spunk and non-judgmental.

Now, for Mr. Cole.... I think he may owe his mother a day at the spa upon his return. Hang in there, he sounds pretty resourceful and will be entertaining you with his adventures (at home) before you know it.

Keeping you all in thought in prayers..many hugs across the miles..xo HHL

Nicole January 15, 2012 at 7:22 AM  

That's pretty heavy, my friend. I simply cannot wrap my mind around it, and it makes me - sad. That's the emotion I felt when I read this. I am sad that you feel a sense of guilt by "passing" this on, as you say. Plus I am sad that she is having to endure, especially after losing Isiah. BUT - one thing I know, the mind is a tricky little bastard an is capable of healing and presenting amazing coping mechanisms. My hope is for healing. :-)

Rachel Cotterill January 15, 2012 at 7:58 AM  

So they are not going to help her with the hallucinations..? That's so unfair. I hope she can get all the help she needs x

MarkD60 January 16, 2012 at 5:13 AM  

No matter how bad someone has it, there's always someone who has it worse!

Kristy January 17, 2012 at 12:08 PM  

I have been living with ol factory hallunations for years and over the years have learned even if I smell rot to not be bothered by it because I tell myself it isnt logically there. It is really hard to learn how to deal with what is reality and what isn't but it can be achieved. It is when a person doesn't know it isn't real that they have a problem and follow impluses. She might want to learn what triggers these episodes and how to not be threatened by what she percieves because it feels real even if it isn't to someone else. You can't just always medicate it or wish it away. Sometimes, you have to live with it in a safeway until it goes away and play mindtricks not t o get caught up in the hallunations. Which always leaves a person who deals with psychois on a regular basis what is real and what isn't. Always, questioning judgement. One time I thought I was nuts because I heard two cats in the house. I only have one. I ignored it. But guess what there really was two real cats. One got into my utility room and was fighting through the door with my cat. I just always tell myself most of my stuff isn't real and try to advoid things that will trigger episodes off and very manic. Any type of major stress will trigger a very nasty manic epsiode.

Pat January 17, 2012 at 6:12 PM  

First off, you need to get rid of the guilts for passing BP down to your daughter. As if you could control that! Luck of the draw, sista!

I'm glad your daughter is getting help.. I just hope they are giving her the help she needs. I will pray for her and her family.

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