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Sunday, February 5, 2012

When I think about it I guess we're all bound by something, but there are times I want to go back to the days before I was diagnosed with bipolar. I want to be free of the label. I want to just be me.

I want the carefree times of not having to count out meds, of not having to make it to psychiatrist appointments. I want the freedom to be what I thought was me, impulsive, daring, and outgoing.

Most of the time I felt I could conquer the world. I felt so good I knew if I had been younger I could have done back flips. I liked the adventure and the ever changing scenery of my life.

My psychiatrist would call those times "hypomania," and they came with a price. They came with the price of being chained to deep bouts of depression. They came with relationship problems. They came with bonds of the lure of self harm, of destruction.

Today, even though sometimes I wish I was in the days before the term bipolar entered my life, I realize I truly am free. I'm free of the bondage caused by the carefree times, the impulsive times, the throw caution to the wind times. I'm free of the depression that consumed me at times, that kept me in bed and away from the people I love.

I'm free to make my own decisions, not ones marred by an emotional roller coaster. I'm free to enjoy my life without damaging others or myself. I'm free in knowing my demons have a name and I'm free to conquer them.

Now I am free. Truly free.


Outcast February 5, 2012 at 2:38 PM  

I get what you mean here Diva. I mean since I was diagnosed I've almost wished that I could just be placed into a state of constant never ending mania where I feel excitable and good all the time but at the end of the day that's not possible and it's better help continues as annoying as it is! :(

Unknown February 5, 2012 at 2:42 PM  

This is so true. I see it in my son who has not yet come to the realization of the price that is paid by his swings. So getting him to take his meds and find level is a challenge. I don't think it is a label, it is a badge that you are wearing with pride because it didn't win. Period.

Susie - Walking Butterfly February 5, 2012 at 2:55 PM  

Freedom isn't free my dear friend, and you have paid the price dearly and survived in spite of it. Not only have you survived, you have thrived and shown this negative label who is boss!
I love how you know how to look for the positive even in the middle of crap, not everyone can do that!
Love you muchly
Enjoy your freedom!

Karli February 5, 2012 at 3:33 PM  

I was just thinking the other day that all this crap started happening AFTER I was diagnosed, before the meds and before the stigma. But after I thought about it, things were pretty damn crappy. And I couldn't put a name to my demons. I and everyone else just thought I was crazy. Now, I have a name and a face to those demons. It doesn't make my craziness really, but now I have education and meds to at the very least take the sting out of my illness. Now that I know, I know it's not all in my head. I know it's chemical. Knowing took the world off of my shoulders and I too, can say I feel a sense of freedom.

The Bipolar Diva February 5, 2012 at 4:06 PM  

it's funny, this post was going in an entirely different way and then it just hit me in the head that I am free NOW, the past is the past and it wasn't so great in the bad time. So I'll take today.

Christy February 5, 2012 at 5:46 PM  

Accepting ourselves is the hardest thing to do. When you get there, it's heaven.

highheeledlife February 5, 2012 at 7:01 PM  

I love Karli's comment! I think the reality is that everyone has something that triggers parts of their brains to act/react~ they are just unaware of this.

After my accident ... I was afraid to open my mouth (or go out)... because the part of the brain that filters thoughts was affected ... so I never knew what would come out if I was put in an uncomfortable or confusing situation. The meds make me a bit withdrawn .. but it gives me time to compose my thoughts. So, yes there is a certain freedom..

Great post! xo HHL

Impulsive Addict February 5, 2012 at 8:25 PM  

I had the exact same thought as Mad Mind.

Get those demons conquered girl!


grins February 5, 2012 at 8:58 PM  

I often look back on my life, acquaintances,(no friends) and family, and see nothing but the wake in the path of a tornado. During those times I'm sure I have never been happy.

Sometimes I can see the gifts and things no one but I can do that amaze people. It's nice but it doesn't pay the debt. At least I know what and who I am. It's a big plus.

I felt so horrible for your daughter. Sometimes it's so hard being a parent.

My son has tourettes but he is a genius. I'd rather he were average. It's so hard for him. The OCD part is the worst.

I'm glad we're better. I mean you and I. Congratulations.

Loved your blog.

The Bipolar Diva February 5, 2012 at 9:48 PM  

Curmudgeon~ thank you so much :)

I'm sorry about your son. My son has autism, he's pretty much a genius too. I. also, wish he was average. His OCD is hard for all of us. So I understand what you mean.

Thank you for coming by :)

The Bipolar Diva February 5, 2012 at 9:50 PM  


the mania is great, until I crash and burn.

Tami February 6, 2012 at 6:08 AM  

How is your daughter doing?

Anna Whiston-Donaldson February 6, 2012 at 6:20 AM  

i'm glad you are in a better place now, even if it means giving up some of the highs. xo

Just Two Chicks February 6, 2012 at 6:21 PM  

I think everyone experiences this, with or without a label. The good thing about the label, is it gives you insight and the ability to control what's going on, while some simply flounder, looking for freedom, but not knowing exactly what that means, and what form it should take.

You're lucky... as crazy as that may seem to you. ;)

Unknown February 9, 2012 at 9:39 PM  

Amen, Diva! You reminded me of all the emotional baggage I've left in the past. As wonderful as the few times I felt "hypomanic", it wasn't worth the crippling depression and poor decision making that went along with it!

Karli April 11, 2012 at 7:30 AM  

I want to be free from myself.
I guess I need to get skills and become stronger first.
But, I just want to be free, mom.

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