Thursday, March 1, 2012
What a roller coaster! Bipolar usually is, it's recognizing the signals that come my way that throw me. When things go too well and I feel too good I always think a manic episode is around the corner.
Well.....HELLO mania! It's been coming on for weeks. I've been super focused, I can't stop working....it's like I just don't have enough hours in the day. For me that's a sign I have to watch. My mood has been incredible and for the most part I feel like me on overdrive. I've been going and going and going for weeks and then I'll crash and burn for a day and do it all over again.
I had a feeling it might be mania, but was hoping I was just doing better. It's funny that when you have bipolar, good days become suspicious. I always wonder if it's real or if its mania.
Usually I love mania, I get more done, I'm happy and out going, chatty and optimistic. It's a good feeling, mostly. Who in the hell am I kidding? It's wonderful feeling!
Last night was a for sure sign, I couldn't get to sleep until four. I had to totally drug myself to sleep and then was up four hours later,
I emailed my doc to see if he could switch my sleep meds and described everything else going on. He called back immediately and said it sounded more like an onset of mania and not sleep med burn out.
The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Motor-driven, can't stop moving, unusually happy, not sleeping and racing thoughts. Great, just great. Mania is awesome, EXCEPT it usually signals a fall is near.
A deep, scary, pits of hell fall. The kind of fall where you feel like you're being pulled into a vortex and no matter what you do you can't get out. Actually what's scary is that you don't want to get out, you can't think straight enough to get the strength to want to get out.
We've doubled one on my medications and I hope that will level things out. For now I'm not thinking I'm going to fall, but who in the hell knows? Only time will tell I guess.
So if I disappear for a while you'll know the black Dog, as Winston Churchill called his bipolar depression, has me in it's grips.
I used to wish I was normal, but for me this normal. I don't know any other way.
I should be selling tickets!