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Screech....Rewind!

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Once upon a time in a land far, far away, screech…rewind…in a mall far, far away, there was a Diva, a distressed Diva. Although the Diva was distressed, she didn’t know it at the time. Her new meds were about to mess with her, but she had no idea how.

She was supposed to be shopping for Christmas presents for her young bipeds when she was distracted by the beautiful shoes on display. There were so many to choose from that she lost track of time whilst trying on one pair after another. She totally forgot her husband and children were shopping at the other end of the mall and they had a scheduled time to meet and go home with their collective purchases.

The Diva was oooohing and awing over the beautiful shoes when she soon felt this little rumble in her tummy. She looked around and since she saw no one near, by near I mean within sniffing distance,  she decided to let the rumble go on its merry little way and she continued to browse.

Soon she felt something a little strange in her jeans, something a little wet, a little uncomfortable. The Diva needed to find a restroom to see what could have caused that unknown feeling.

She looked around and finally spotted the ladies lounge. She carefully made her way to the lounge trying to avoid any of the ordinary customer’s olfactory senses. Once she was in the secure little stall she lowered her jeans and to her horror found them filled with, sorry, but there’s no other word for it, she found them filled with excrement.

It wasn’t the kind you could just toss down the toilet, no it wasn’t like that at all. It was ooey, and gooey and runny and EVERYWHERE from the top of her Diva derriere to the middle of her knees.

Not knowing quite what to do she sat there a moment trying to formulate a plan. Then suddenly she realized there was only one way to attack the problem. After throwing away her lacy thong, it was un-saveable, she knew she needed remove her shoes and jeans, so she didn't make a bigger mess. She had  to make it out into the lounge to the sink, half naked, grab as many wet, soapy paper towels as she could and run back into the stall before anyone else came into the bathroom.

Just as she was about to make her quick dash to the sink several women came in. Damn it! She had to sit there burning and itching and wait while they chatted, went potty and spoke about how smelly the bathroom was.

After an eternity they left and the now sweating Diva rushed bare bottomed to the sink, grabbed lots of paper towels, wet them well and soaped them up. She dashed back into the stall to begin the horrifying task of trying to remove the mess not only from her body, but from her jeans as well.

As luck would have it she didn’t grab enough paper towels. Many, many more were going to be needed to even half-way complete the messy task. Once again when she was ready to make the run for the sink more women came in. Once again she sat there counting the seconds until they left.
Upon their departure the Diva hopped out to the sink, grabbed more wet towels and more soap.

Back in the stall she worked feverishly to clean the unthinkable mess from her clothing. She got most, but not all, of it out. She glanced at her watch and realized she had been in the bathroom for over 30 minutes and she was 20 minutes late meeting up with the rest of the family.

She could stay in the bathroom no longer. She had to find her family. She knew the smell would travel with her so she tried to stay in a crowd of people so no one could be sure from where the offending smell was wafting. 

Finally, pale and horrified, she found her family. Her astute husband realized there had been a problem, but misjudged the situation and thought someone had hurt the Diva.

The Diva told him they had to leave the mall and leave quickly. The husband was outraged thinking the Diva was keeping something from him. He continued to ask, she continued pleading to leave. Finally the Diva got her way.

Once in the parking lot the husband continued hounding the Diva about what had happened. Finally she looked him squarely in the eye and said, “I shit in my pants! Now take me home!”

The husband and all the children stood there, mouths gaping for several seconds before bursting into a unified laughter. At the time the Diva didn’t see the humor in the situation, she only wanted to go home and take a shower to clean her sticky bum and legs, and do a load of laundry.

The family, and the humiliated Diva, made it to the car and drove home, with the windows open on a cold, cold day in December.


30 comments:

glenparks March 6, 2012 at 4:36 PM  

OMG LMAO!!!!!!!!! Too funny.
Did you stain the car seat or were your jeans wet from cleaning???? Still...... LMAO!!!

The Bipolar Diva March 6, 2012 at 4:39 PM  

I think I've blocked a lot of it from my memory!

YeamieWaffles March 6, 2012 at 4:44 PM  

This is such an incredible story Diva haha, I had no idea that you would be willing to share a story like this on here but I'm glad you did, crazy stuff!

Furry Bottoms March 6, 2012 at 4:46 PM  

*giggles* I can imagine the horrifying feeling that must have been. And I must say, you have guts to run out bare bottomed to the sink. I would have put my dirty jeans back on, shit and all, to get those paper towels!

The Bipolar Diva March 6, 2012 at 4:49 PM  

Yeamie; haha, there's not much I won't write about!

Furry Bottoms; I look back ans just hang my head in shame.

angel shrout March 6, 2012 at 5:05 PM  

I am sorry hun but that was hilarious. And so something that would happen to me without a doubt.I have peed my pants err shorts while standing in my own driveway. If that is any consolation. With my kids standing there laughing at me as I attempted to walk, knees together and tightened trying in vain to hold it in. Finally I said screw it and just let it go walking to the house all the way.

Mamakaffy March 6, 2012 at 5:45 PM  

The life of a Diva is much more "interesting" than I ever could have thought!

Mamakaffy March 6, 2012 at 5:47 PM  

The life of a Diva is mmmm. Quite interesting, I must say!

Cloudia March 6, 2012 at 5:56 PM  

you are fearless and make me fear less too! thanks



Aloha from Honolulu
Comfort Spiral

>< } } ( ° >

Copyboy March 6, 2012 at 6:19 PM  

“I shit in my pants! Now take me home!” I burst into unified laughter with me myself and I too. Sorry.

Just Two Chicks March 6, 2012 at 6:25 PM  

I LOVE it... LOVE, LOVE, LOVE... great story telling, and I laughed out loud at your family's reaction :)

Dazee Dreamer March 6, 2012 at 7:26 PM  

omg that is hilarious. I mean, so sad. I bet the Diva also threw said pants away when she got home. Or that is what I would have done.

Recovering Church Lady March 6, 2012 at 7:58 PM  

I kept reading even though I wanted to look away. But it was like watching a horrible accident, I could not look away, try as I might.
Poor poor Diva, and poor poor pants!

Danielle March 6, 2012 at 8:03 PM  

Oh my gosh, that is one of my worst fears! I'm so sorry you dealt with it! I'm so glad you can laugh. I'd have cried and cried, lol

joanne March 6, 2012 at 9:20 PM  

Oh Lawd, I don't know what I would have done but I can guarantee that I would not have the peace of mind to clearly think out a solution. I probably would have just sat down in the mall and cried until my hubby came to save me. Geesh, why do these things always happen?

Rob-bear March 6, 2012 at 10:43 PM  

Oh, dear! Such a horrid misadventure. Have you recovered, or is your post an attempt at recovery?

Jill of All Trades March 6, 2012 at 11:24 PM  

Hi. I discovered your blog, and thus the inexplicably unique story of your families journey, this weekend and have been reading bits and pieces of this grand puzzle with more and more amazement at how you can so courageously share such....intimate details of your life. I wrote about that in my last post, but didn't link you; now, reading this post, I feel I spoke too soon. I mean, what?!? Needless to say this (your blog) is the SHIT!

All the best,
Jill

Tami March 7, 2012 at 5:54 AM  

One time I was riding in a car with my husband, traveling home from a nice dinner out. I'm not sure what I ate, but my stomach was not cooperating. I begged my husband to pull over, but there was nothing around but dark back road. By the time he found a gas station, I too had something in my pants. I too had to throw out my thong. I too cleaned myself up the best I could. I too road home with the window cracked on a cold winter night.
I never thought I'd tell that story to anyone, let alone blog about it!
I FEEL YOUR PAIN!

Pat March 7, 2012 at 8:45 AM  

Wow! What a story!

Babes Mami March 7, 2012 at 11:10 AM  

Oh goodness! I had this happen once when I was drunk...it was quite embarrassing!

Saracide March 7, 2012 at 11:25 AM  

Oh. My. God. I would be horrified! I'm glad you find humor in the situation now, but reading this made me feel your pain! I definitely wasn't laughing, because I could picture myself in the same situation, freaking out. I probably would have stayed in the stall and called someone to come rescue me though, haha.

Shauna Smith March 7, 2012 at 11:35 AM  

I absolutely love your blog.. i was dying reading this story.. also I nominated you for the versatile blogger award.. go see my post for the details http://bipolar2happiness.com/versatile-blogger-award/

Paul Bright March 7, 2012 at 12:01 PM  

This was one of the rawest blog posts I've ever read. I think I'm going to add you to my blog roll on bipolarfamily.info. I have a few subscribers that come for the informational posts I put up, but I think they could use more blogs like yours from real people who can find the humor in dealing with bipolar disorder. Kudos to you!
Paul

myinnerchick.com March 7, 2012 at 3:31 PM  

---Dear Diva,

I want to thank you for a most hilareous, bone tickling, kick-ass blog I've read all week.

I am laughing laughing laughing at your expense.

Thank you.

After reading this, ( and you shitting your pants...)

I now know for sure..., that I love love love you.

Xxx Affectionatelty yours.

Mad Mind March 7, 2012 at 4:23 PM  

I've never had that problem. I've had the other leakage. And it's embarrassing.

gracefully50.com March 7, 2012 at 7:13 PM  

You've got my RESPECT!
I love you too for sharing this story! My brave Diva!

StephanieC March 7, 2012 at 10:21 PM  

Wow, your honesty and sense of humour is refreshing! (Even if your bottom and jeans weren't!)

I've been there before, but thankfully I was at home, and that spared a massive amount of humiliation!!

StephanieC

MarkD60 March 8, 2012 at 5:01 AM  

I am confused, I thought The Diva always traveled with a staff of thousands to tend her every need.

Unknown Mami March 9, 2012 at 3:44 PM  

So funny. My mom has one hilarious pooping her pants story I should tell on the blog. I know it's not funny while it is happening, but it is hilarious afterward.

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