Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Once upon a time in a land far, far away, screech…rewind…in a mall far, far away, there was a Diva, a distressed Diva. Although the Diva was distressed, she didn’t know it at the time. Her new meds were about to mess with her, but she had no idea how.
She was supposed to be shopping for Christmas presents for her young bipeds when she was distracted by the beautiful shoes on display. There were so many to choose from that she lost track of time whilst trying on one pair after another. She totally forgot her husband and children were shopping at the other end of the mall and they had a scheduled time to meet and go home with their collective purchases.
The Diva was oooohing and awing over the beautiful shoes when she soon felt this little rumble in her tummy. She looked around and since she saw no one near, by near I mean within sniffing distance, she decided to let the rumble go on its merry little way and she continued to browse.
Soon she felt something a little strange in her jeans, something a little wet, a little uncomfortable. The Diva needed to find a restroom to see what could have caused that unknown feeling.
She looked around and finally spotted the ladies lounge. She carefully made her way to the lounge trying to avoid any of the ordinary customer’s olfactory senses. Once she was in the secure little stall she lowered her jeans and to her horror found them filled with, sorry, but there’s no other word for it, she found them filled with excrement.
It wasn’t the kind you could just toss down the toilet, no it wasn’t like that at all. It was ooey, and gooey and runny and EVERYWHERE from the top of her Diva derriere to the middle of her knees.
Not knowing quite what to do she sat there a moment trying to formulate a plan. Then suddenly she realized there was only one way to attack the problem. After throwing away her lacy thong, it was un-saveable, she knew she needed remove her shoes and jeans, so she didn't make a bigger mess. She had to make it out into the lounge to the sink, half naked, grab as many wet, soapy paper towels as she could and run back into the stall before anyone else came into the bathroom.
Just as she was about to make her quick dash to the sink several women came in. Damn it! She had to sit there burning and itching and wait while they chatted, went potty and spoke about how smelly the bathroom was.
After an eternity they left and the now sweating Diva rushed bare bottomed to the sink, grabbed lots of paper towels, wet them well and soaped them up. She dashed back into the stall to begin the horrifying task of trying to remove the mess not only from her body, but from her jeans as well.
As luck would have it she didn’t grab enough paper towels. Many, many more were going to be needed to even half-way complete the messy task. Once again when she was ready to make the run for the sink more women came in. Once again she sat there counting the seconds until they left.
Upon their departure the Diva hopped out to the sink, grabbed more wet towels and more soap.
Back in the stall she worked feverishly to clean the unthinkable mess from her clothing. She got most, but not all, of it out. She glanced at her watch and realized she had been in the bathroom for over 30 minutes and she was 20 minutes late meeting up with the rest of the family.
She could stay in the bathroom no longer. She had to find her family. She knew the smell would travel with her so she tried to stay in a crowd of people so no one could be sure from where the offending smell was wafting.
Finally, pale and horrified, she found her family. Her astute husband realized there had been a problem, but misjudged the situation and thought someone had hurt the Diva.
The Diva told him they had to leave the mall and leave quickly. The husband was outraged thinking the Diva was keeping something from him. He continued to ask, she continued pleading to leave. Finally the Diva got her way.
Once in the parking lot the husband continued hounding the Diva about what had happened. Finally she looked him squarely in the eye and said, “I shit in my pants! Now take me home!”
The husband and all the children stood there, mouths gaping for several seconds before bursting into a unified laughter. At the time the Diva didn’t see the humor in the situation, she only wanted to go home and take a shower to clean her sticky bum and legs, and do a load of laundry.
The family, and the humiliated Diva, made it to the car and drove home, with the windows open on a cold, cold day in December.