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Lost

Sunday, April 29, 2012

It's difficult to describe, this feeling I have.

It's a feeling of being totally off the path in my life. It's an incredible burden and overshadows every move I make.

I know some of it is work and the economy. The normal worry of financial and family matters play into it, but this is more than that. This is complete darkness and fear.

It's not bipolar, it's not depression. My anxiety level is high and almost uncontrollable.  I feel alone and separated from the people I love and those that love me.

The shadow that has fallen over me is suffocating. It's sucking the oxygen from my body and the energy from my soul.

The light has been hidden and the road to freedom blocked. I'm unable to see, or sense the future and am paralyzed by the past.

The bondage from this sensation controls me and my actions, it guides my steps and chains my thoughts.

It makes me want to hide from the world, to shrink away and disappear.

I wish I could put my finger on it, I wish I could control it and not allow it to control me. But I can't, not yet.

 

26 comments:

angel shrout April 29, 2012 at 10:22 PM  

Father, I pray that you come to my friend and show her your power and grace. To show her that you are called Jehovah Jireh because YOu and you alone provide all we need. Because you have forgiven her for the past and teach her to forgive herself and others. Allow the ability to see the freedom that forgiveness contains. That holding onto the past keeps her from the amazing future laid before her. Cover her with your Holy Spirit. Fill her mind with the very presence of you and bring into her mind the peace your word says we are entitled to. In the mighty name of Jesus..Amen

Unknown Mami April 29, 2012 at 10:27 PM  

You will find your way out of this. YOU WILL.

~Onreeone~ April 29, 2012 at 10:40 PM  

I really can and do relate to this feeling. Been there for some time now. Hold on Diva--like all other things this to shall pass. Or you will find a way to work through it. You have to be happy with you and where you are. You can put a smile on your face and act like everything is okay, but deep down...it's good that you can see it for yourself and embrace those feelings. It's better than what most do with it. Blessings and positive energy being delivered to you dear.

Snowbrush April 29, 2012 at 10:44 PM  

I can relate to living with all but unbearable angst, and I'm in no mood to even attempt to offer comfort or advice. All I want to say is that this post is beautifully written. I can only think of two things that I consider worth sharing for in my own blog--one is naked honesty and the other is humor--and I respect you for leaving any hint of window dressing out of this post. I want ask, though, if you're not feeling the least bit suicidal. You take a lot of pills, and it would be only too easy for you to get careless about the dosage. I don't think you're likely to do that because too many people need you, but reassurance would be welcome.

The Bipolar Diva April 29, 2012 at 11:05 PM  

onreeone;
Thanks. It's a scary feeling.

Andrea L April 29, 2012 at 11:05 PM  

I am sending you virtual hugs! The way I have been lately, I could have written that post (yet probably not, because I can't even get that far), and it was incredible to read! My prayers are that things turn around for both of us....or at least some of these many meds we are taking to combat this do what they say they do!
(((hugs)))

middle child April 29, 2012 at 11:18 PM  

I think you may just be shutting down for awhile. You have had and still have so many opposing emotions that I think your mind is just looking for a rest. Perhaps your anxiety is increasing because of your fear of resting, of letting go of control.

cloudia charters April 30, 2012 at 12:32 AM  

all great souls
pass through the
Dark Night.

It hurts,
but it purges,
chastens,
educates.


Sweetness and self-knowledge
lie ahead.


Warm "Been There"
Aloha from Honolulu
Comfort Spiral

> < } } (°>

YeamieWaffles April 30, 2012 at 1:44 AM  

I'm so sorry to hear you've been feeling like this Diva. I'm not really sure what to say except for that I've felt hopeless in my life before and while sometimes I can fall back into that feeling, I don't know, I guess it's just good to try and avoid feeling like that. Things change, you're not going to feel the same way for ever Diva, I hope you're okay.

Just Two Chicks April 30, 2012 at 7:36 AM  

I wonder if some of it isn't just the "coming down" from a wonderful time in Vegas? You know? It's SO hard to come back to reality... then you've got to sit down, and look at the money spent while gone. Then you get to deal with the things that have been going on in the lives of your kids while you were gone... and the weather is probably rainy and cold, while in Vegas it was probably wonderfully warm and sunny.

You're like me though, I've got this huge sense of foreboding and it's making me nuts. I can't figure out the exact source of it either, but maybe deep down, I DO know the source, right? Maybe I just don't want to put it out in the universe, allowing it to grow into something I cannot handle. Think about it :)

I'm always here too!! Things will get better, they always do right? Eventually.

Jamie April 30, 2012 at 9:28 AM  

Some levels of this sound familiar, Teri.
In my case what I found was this:
When I reach a crossroad in my life, or I have buried myself for so long ( other's needs, life's demands and so on) who I am or need to be is struggling to come out.
So I have to take on a self journey to find out just WHO that is.
It's a struggle, there are times it's easier to bury what wants to come out rather than bring it out and face it.

I know you've been going through major changes this last year, I don't think the inner you has caught up yet.

Positive thoughts, huge cyber hugs your way. It's all I can give.

xxoo
j

jen April 30, 2012 at 10:41 AM  

This is exactly how I've been feeling lately. I can't describe it, can't pinpoint it or solve it, but I hate every second of it.

When you find the answer, will you tell me how to get there? Thanks.

MichaelHarley April 30, 2012 at 1:17 PM  

Reading your blog, this comes to mind:
Curly: I can't see, I can't see!
Moe: Why not?
Curly: Because I got my eyes closed.
Moe: Why I oughta..... *eyepoke* *headbop* *eartwist*

I hope eventually you can just "open your eyes" and see your way thru this. I know it sounds more easy than it is, but still there's hope.... That path you are on may be dark and desolate, but just like the sun chases away the darkness every dawn, let your heart feel the dawn and start the day in sunshine. Again I know it sounds more easy than it is. So hang in there. You will make it.

Jo Ashcroft April 30, 2012 at 1:53 PM  

You have written exactly what I am feeling right now. I too am bipolar and have had a great (Southern Hemisphere) summer with no meds but for the last six weeks have been living in a fog. It doesn't feel like the usual depression, just aimlessness and I can so empathise with the whole' sucking the oxygen out'. I have been writing about similar things on my blog too in an attempt to get my feelings out. I know/hope this will pass but as I come into winter with its usual black moods I know I am struggling. Just know you are not alone. I get such comfort from reading your post. Love xx

myinnerchick.com April 30, 2012 at 4:20 PM  

Diva,

In my darkness & pain...I have continually gone to this verse:

~~~I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world can give. So don't be troubled or afraid John 14:27

Love Love Love. Xxxxx

Carrie April 30, 2012 at 7:37 PM  

Diva my love, the weight of fear...the hesitation of breathlessness...the uneasiness of all eyes on you...the only way to relieve the pain, release the weight, move away from the stares...the only way is through Grace. Through Mercy. You know what I'm talking about. I love you and I'm praying for you and I can feel your weight and the breath is slipping from my lungs as I type. <3 you!

Jill of All Trades April 30, 2012 at 11:57 PM  

Wow, many of these comments are already so inspiring, even for me. In my case, I just hate how darkness always seems like Truth. Like, when I am going through a particularly good patch in my life (like now) I can bask in its deliciousness and feel how healing and wonderful it is, but always with the over-riding thought "if only this were real, if only this would last, if only it WAS like this", I can never just say "yes, this IS REAL!!"; but give me a moment of darkness or anxiety and you better believe all I can think is "this is the Truth, everything IS dark, etc" . I've never understood why that is, but it's always felt that way. I hate it.

Even if it isn't depression or bi-polar, please find a way to remember it ISN'T REAL!! This is NOT the way it is; this is a passing cloud, hiding your TRUE LIGHT! The Light is there; the Light is Real!!

love,
jill

Tere May 1, 2012 at 5:24 AM  

Sending hugs your way. It is hard when you aren't sure what you're feeling or why, which makes it even harder to get past it. You can do it. You are a very strong woman and have the support to get above the funk. Hang in there. ((hugs))

Rob-bear May 2, 2012 at 12:54 AM  

Anxiety is a Beast (but not a cuddly Bear).

To paraphrase a friend: "If life brings you to it, God'll get you through." God, and your friends.

Blessings and Bear hugs in a frightening time.

Pat May 2, 2012 at 12:21 PM  

I hope you find your way out of the darkness and feel better soon.

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