Friday, May 4, 2012
These last few weeks I've had increasing panic attacks. The intensity and the duration are beginning to scare me.
I've taken a lot of meds today and have been searching on the net for the max non-lethal dosage. Seems the drug companies don't like to give that little bit of information out. So I guess I'm on my own tonight.
The world is closing in and my heart is pounding out of my chest. I can't breathe and I feel as if I'm about to bite my tongue off.
Emailed the doc, but since he's Jewish I doubt he'll get his email on the Sabbath. So I'm winging it here. Trying to distract myself and gain some time by writing.
The lost feeling is consuming me and the attacks are scaring the hell out of me. I usually only have an attack every six months or so, but it seems as if I'm having one several week long attack. I can't get it to stop.
I've been trying to breathe through them and chill, but today there's no way out except medication. That alone scares me and only adds to the attack. I want to take enough medication to get me though the night and hopefully gain some relief, but not enough to do the Heath Ledger exit.
I guess I'm on my own here and only time will tell. The morning light will be a welcome sight and I can only hope that the attack will be quelled.
I usually am able to write beautiful poetry in the midst of an attack, but my thoughts are scattered and my movements slow.
I probably should go to the hospital but I'm too tired to do the whole work up thing.
So tonight I sit, I type and I try to ignore it. but now it's time for the meds and hopefully a good night's sleep that brings me into tomorrow alive and much calmer.
Goodnight my friends,