Thursday, May 24, 2012
The day started out gloriously. I sat in Starbucks chatting it up with my beautiful cousin as I sipped a latte and had some oatmeal. I had a list of things to get through since I'm leaving on a 2 and 1/2 week road trip to Texas on Sunday morning with my daughter Nikki. I was getting prepared to begin the "checking off the list" day and make dinner for my family.
Then I got the call. The call that informed me of something that will fundamentally change our family forever. For some reason it hit me exceptionally hard even though it doesn't really affect me personally per se, but it did affect me. It affected me because of the people involved. I took on their pain, their shock, their torment.
Jeff had to tell me several times before the words, the terrible words, sank in. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't think. All I could do was to cry, cry for my family and cry for what I thought at first had to be a horrible, horrible mistake, all had to be well, but it's not and it won't ever be again.
As Jeff's words slowly sank in I realized it was indeed real. It happened. The worst imaginable thing did happen. But still it wasn't real, not then, not now. But I've seen it. I've seen the news, I've seen the articles, I've seen the pictures. I read the words, the unthinkable words, and I know that we've all been changed forever.
For some reason I went into crisis mode. The panic began and the anxiety was at an all time high. I had to call my psychiatrist to tell me what to do. I couldn't even fathom how to get through the panic and the anxiety that I've fought for so many decades.
He walked me through maximum dosages and tried his best to calm me. The meds calmed my physical symptoms, but my mind won't, it can't, stop.
My heart for my family is bleeding. Their lives have been sent on a path that no one could have ever imagined, that no one should have to endure.
In an instant things can change and your life can change forever. Love what you have while you have it. The future is never to be trusted. The unimaginable can happen.