Wednesday, June 6, 2012
They were wild, unpredictable, fun, creative and so, so dangerous. I miss them. I miss them more than I can say.
They were the days before mood stabilizers entered my vocabulary and, more importantly, my mind. I have a love/hate relationship with the white pills the size of dimes stacked three high.
I love them because they keep my moods stable. They keep me from the lows and from the self harm that seemed all so normal at the time. They keep me from making bad choices and from impulsive behavior. They tend to keep me on a good path emotionally.
I hate them because they do keep my moods stable, sometimes almost flat lined. I miss the highs, the days where anything was possible. Most of all they've seem to have quelled my creativity. There are days I don't know where it went, or when it left. I miss the creativity most of all. I miss the projects, the painting, the writing, and the ideas.
But mood stabilizers are a necessary evil. They keep me sane, they keep me out of harms way. They help me make better decisions but they make it so much less fun.
There are those days I consider stopping them all together, but then I remember the darkness that will follow the mania and realize I can never stop them.
We're going to have to learn to live together because life without them isn't an option.