Sunday, July 15, 2012
A friend recently reminded me that the word “hate” is a strong word; a word much too strong to be used casually.
We all use it in daily conversation. Sometimes we hate the way our hair turns out, we hate the way we look in our jeans, we hate that people leave the door open at Starbucks, well I do at least. How hard is it to push a door closed?
It’s a word that’s thrown around much too casually, out of habit. It’s an irrational word I think, however, there is something I hate. I hate it because it controls me at times and I have no way of escape.
Today I hate. I hate the constant battle with a faceless foe. It’s tiring, it’s all consuming and it’s hard work. Usually I can hide my anxiety and panic and hold myself together, or at least put forth the appearance that I can.
Today it’s winning. Panic was upon me as I awoke this morning. I could feel my anxiety rise as I dressed for the day. I couldn’t shake the constant feeling of dread, of fear.
There are so many that can’t identify with the enemy I hate. They don’t understand how a person can be controlled by an unseen foe. To them it’s unfathomable.
“Snap out of it,” “you’re being dramatic,” “it’s all in your head, it’s not real,” are all words I’ve heard much too often. While it is in my head, it is much more than that, it’s physical, very physical.
It controls my heart rate. My heart races, it “flips,” its beat is erratic. It controls my breathing, it’s shallow and irregular. It controls muscle tension and my movements. My jaw tenses and body cannot relax. I constantly feel as though I will vomit. My thoughts spin and have no coherency.
The tunnel I am sucked into is consuming and is to be feared. It’s in those times thoughts come that are usually banished from the processes of my mind. I have no control over them during these times. They’re assaultive and dark.
Once the fall begins, it cannot be stopped. I must endure the ride and trust that some of the many medications I have on hand will take the edge off. Today they’re not. It’s on days like this I have to carefully monitor what I take and when I take it. There are meds that cannot be mixed, or doses exceeded.
Sometimes in the fog I forget what I’ve consumed and relying on my memory isn’t a great idea. I find myself wanting to take more and more of the magical pills in the hopes of easing the fear that strangles me. That in itself only creates more panic, more fear and therefore more hate.
I hate being out of control. I hate the effects on my body and in my mind, I hate being its captive having to wait until I am set free.
Yes, today I hate. Today I try to numb my thoughts and control my body, but I know I have to give in, fighting it only causes its attacks to be intensified. For that, today, I’m just not strong enough.