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Wise Man

Monday, October 22, 2012

My senses are alive while my spirit seems bound. I can feel the clouds rolling in and I can taste the misty fog they bring. I'm aware of the coming fall and I sense the effects that are changing my life.

I feel lifeless and cold. I have no desire to shower, wash my hair, do my make up or even pop in my contacts.

The chilled rain is falling and I silently scream out for help, help that in this state, I’m not sure I want, but I know I need.

It’s been this way for weeks. I’m hesitant to tell my doctors. I don’t want the inevitable med change that only makes things worse until they possibly get better. New meds are not the answer. I’m not sure what is.

I think seeing my brothers and my aunts would help. I want to see my parents although it would only be me sitting between two gravesites sharing sips of coffee with the dead.

I miss them a lot and dream I could wish them to life if only for a day. Then I would wish for one more day and then another. I wish the same for Isaiah, to take him from his Creator’s arms to hold and rock him one more day, to tell him I love him, to smell his baby head.

 I ran into a wise man at Starbucks today, a friend and an inspiration. I asked how he was and here's how he responded, “I’m great! You know why?” I took his bait and asked why. “Because that’s something I’m in charge of.”

I want his will power. I want be able to say that and to believe it. Maybe I will tomorrow, but today’s not the day.



Carol-Anne October 22, 2012 at 5:10 PM  

So sorry you are struggling.....not sure how to help, but I do wish you peace.

I've been reading this blog long enough to know that you'll come out the other end of this. You will.

Unknown October 22, 2012 at 5:21 PM  

Aww sweetie HUGSSS to you. I have felt like that before, ok lots of times. Like you I want to see my mom so bad and with the holidays coming the feeling just gets worse. Come up here we can sit and miss them together.

Susie - Walking Butterfly October 22, 2012 at 5:24 PM  

Oh Baby, I am so glad you wrote this because it did take some effort to get on the computer/phone to post this.And that shows there is still SOME "gumption" there, to get some help.

As you know I am doing a blog challenge to write about finding joy every day for 31 days. I purposely chose JOY because I thought maybe mine was gone forever. I have experienced such awful and debilitating depression as I have these last several months. I was scared that this was my new normal.

The writing and forcing myself to find some joy each day has made a big difference. I could see my thoughts changing for the better. But today the melancholy is threatening to come back, I hate the dark cloud and the desire to veg on my couch all day.

Your post reminds me that even though it feels out of our control, we do have some power to either give in or choose to fight it. Nothing wrong with a day or two to veg but you know you would hate yourself if it went on much longer. Hang on Teri, you are strong enough to refuse to give up.

I love you friend and I will be praying for you tonight Sweetheart.

The Bipolar Diva October 22, 2012 at 5:36 PM  

Yes, I have those feelings a lot, but they only last a day or so, but this last six weeks, give or take, have been a steady down slide. You all are such an encouragement to me. And I know I'll come out the other side, that's always the hope right?

Tami October 22, 2012 at 6:41 PM  

You need to call your doctor. You are spiraling downward and that scares me. Please, please take care of yourself!

The Bipolar Diva October 22, 2012 at 7:15 PM  

Tami, I have an appointment with my primary tomorrow for extensive blood work and an EKG and depending on what is found my psychiatrist will get me in as soon as he can. I saw the psychologist and he wants to see me weekly for a while.
At least I'm recognizing the symptoms this time and hopefully it'll keep me from hitting the bottom.

Rob-bear October 22, 2012 at 9:57 PM  

Things are no doubt trying, but you seem to be able to make a bit better sense of what is happening.

"Today's not the day." But you have an appointment with your primary care physician and you have seen your psychologist already. Those "get togethers" don't happen by mental telepathy; you have to call and make an appointment. And you've done that. Well done!

All of which means you are recognizing symptoms as they are developing, and you're taking action before you crash. That constitutes a huge improvement! YES!!!

The Bipolar Diva October 22, 2012 at 10:06 PM  

Thanks so much Rob. I think I've recognized but it took me weeks to act on it. We'll see what happens!

middle child October 22, 2012 at 11:08 PM  

Paragraph 2. That is where I have been finding myself lately. It isn't a fun place to be.
I have always thought that on a person's birthday....they should be able to come back from the dead for just that one day. But I never thought about the part where you said we would keep wanting them to stay.
Bless you.

Outcast October 23, 2012 at 2:40 AM  

Without meaning to sound rude or condescending Diva you are like that man in Starbucks, you do have that power to be in control of your destiny and your mood, you're in control here even if your inner chatterbox is nattering away trying to tell you otherwise.

Realising that you're in control and actually taking control are different things though and it's something I haven't mastered yet. As the nights have got darker recently I've felt my mood drop to dangerously depressed levels where I've been unable to control myself and it's scary, I know how you feel because I'm feeling in a similar way but just like you I don't want new medication. All we can do is try to ride this Fall/Winter out while staying in control as possible, it's going to be a long hard fight but we both WILL, not even can do it :)

Karli October 24, 2012 at 2:05 PM  

I love you, Mom, more than you'll ever know. I'm so very sorry that you feel like this, I'd give anything to be able to take it away from you. Call me and talk, I'll just listen, but you NEED to talk. I love you to the moon and back. October 24, 2012 at 3:01 PM  

Sending you lots of love from Minnesota. Xxxx 0000

Unknown October 24, 2012 at 3:47 PM  

I do hope you are feeling better soon. Med changes are a bummer but you got to do what you got to do, right?

May I share with you what's been keeping me from reading and commenting on blogs lately?

"This Restless Life: a study of Central Coast California parks through photography, interpretive collage and stories" is a book project of which I'm in the midst. If you have the time and the inclination, would you take a look at my short video at to learn more about the project? If you like the project, would you share it with your network of friends and family? Thank you sincerely. (I have a link to the video at the top of my blog page too.)

Unknown October 24, 2012 at 6:48 PM  

I am trying to get my house sold..On the third offer..The idiots want to put down $40,000 BUT do not have proof of 2010 or 2011 Tax Returns..They want ME to Carry..Hell no..In a state of major depression and stress over this.Have not got out of jammies for 2 days...BUT it's out of my hands..I leave it to a Higher Power....But I could spit nails...

The Bipolar Diva October 24, 2012 at 7:07 PM  

Oh Linda, that's horrible, I'd be spitting nails too. I know how long you're been trying to sell that house. And they want you to carry the note? uh, hell no!

Eliza October 25, 2012 at 3:40 AM  

Hope you feel better soon.

Classic NYer October 27, 2012 at 12:38 PM  

I love when I get blessed by the unexpected wisdom of strangers.

Unknown October 28, 2012 at 11:25 PM  

Diva, I'm so, so sorry you feel this way! Depression hurts and it sucks!

I know you don't want to go to the doctor, but I also know that you know you need to go. I hate med changes as much as you do, but if what you're taking isn't working, might as well start the journey now to find the right magical combo.

I know you don't *want* to feel this way, so don't give up hope that you will feel better eventually, because you always do!

There was a time period that, as horrible as it sounds, my only goal for each day was to take a shower, and there were many days I failed at even that. I can certainly empathize with what your saying!

Sending happy thoughts your way...: )

The Bipolar Diva October 28, 2012 at 11:30 PM  

Thank you Kansas;

It has been a long run of it this time. I don't see my psych until 11/17 but we've been emailing, kina of adjusting the meds as we go. He had me get labs and an EKG which I did. He read them and said they were all normal, so that's good.

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