Monday, October 22, 2012
My senses are alive while my spirit seems bound. I can feel the clouds rolling in and I can taste the misty fog they bring. I'm aware of the coming fall and I sense the effects that are changing my life.
I feel lifeless and cold. I have no desire to shower, wash my hair, do my make up or even pop in my contacts.
The chilled rain is falling and I silently scream out for help, help that in this state, I’m not sure I want, but I know I need.
It’s been this way for weeks. I’m hesitant to tell my doctors. I don’t want the inevitable med change that only makes things worse until they possibly get better. New meds are not the answer. I’m not sure what is.
I think seeing my brothers and my aunts would help. I want to see my parents although it would only be me sitting between two gravesites sharing sips of coffee with the dead.
I miss them a lot and dream I could wish them to life if only for a day. Then I would wish for one more day and then another. I wish the same for Isaiah, to take him from his Creator’s arms to hold and rock him one more day, to tell him I love him, to smell his baby head.
I ran into a wise man at Starbucks today, a friend and an inspiration. I asked how he was and here's how he responded, “I’m great! You know why?” I took his bait and asked why. “Because that’s something I’m in charge of.”
I want his will power. I want be able to say that and to believe it. Maybe I will tomorrow, but today’s not the day.