Friday, November 9, 2012
I never really listened to Nine Inch Nails and Trent Reznor but I was uploading a version of his song "Hurt" by Johnny Cash today.
I was feeling a bit nostalgic.
My Dad loved Johnny Cash. He reminds me of Dad, he reminds me of growing up. I idolized my father and whatever he liked, I liked.
I bought Johnny Cash's last five CDs, the ones he recorded in the months before his death, on a whim of nostalgia. I decided to upload them to my car and the first song that uploaded was "Hurt."
I never listened intently to Trent Reznor's version, but today I listened to Johnny Cash's version, every single word, many times over.
It so perfectly fits with some of the darkest days I've experienced dealing with Bipolar Disorder, especially the first part of the song. I listened to every word, I took them deep into my soul, I have lived them, I do live them.
I haven't written much about my disorder lately, I guess because things seem relatively "normal," whatever "normal" is, in my mind lately. My life is chaotic as usual, but the swings have really leveled out.
I sat motionless as I breathed in every word of this song, over and over again. It was, it is, my life.
If you listen to the song try to realize that you're listening to a part of me.
In "those times" I'm not being dramatic, I'm not going to react if you say "just snap out of it," or "you can handle this." Because at those times I can't, it only shows your ignorance of the disorder. The disorder consumes me and I retreat for a few days before I am able to bring myself out of the darkness. Thank goodness I can now bring myself out of the pit in a relatively short amount of time and thank goodness those times are now very rare.
If you're so inclined, listen to this song and, for a short time, live pieces of my reality.