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The Reality

Friday, November 9, 2012

I never really listened to Nine Inch Nails and Trent Reznor but I was uploading a version of his song "Hurt" by Johnny Cash today. I was feeling a bit nostalgic.

My Dad loved Johnny Cash. He reminds me of Dad, he reminds me of growing up. I idolized my father and whatever he liked, I liked.

I bought Johnny Cash's last five CDs, the ones he recorded in the months before his death, on a whim of nostalgia. I decided to upload them to my car and the first song that uploaded was "Hurt."

I never listened intently to Trent Reznor's version, but today I listened to Johnny Cash's version, every single word, many times over.

It so perfectly fits with some of the darkest days I've experienced dealing with Bipolar Disorder, especially the first part of the song.  I listened to every word, I took them deep into my soul, I have lived them, I do live them.

I haven't written much about my disorder lately, I guess because things seem relatively "normal," whatever "normal" is, in my mind lately. My life is chaotic as usual, but the swings have really leveled out.

I sat motionless as I breathed in every word of this song, over and over again. It was, it is, my life.
If you listen to the song try to realize that you're listening to a part of me.

In "those times" I'm not being dramatic, I'm not going to react if you say "just snap out of it," or "you can handle this." Because at those times I can't, it only shows your ignorance of the disorder. The disorder consumes me and I retreat for a few days before I am able to bring myself out of the darkness. Thank goodness I can now bring myself out of the pit in a relatively short amount of time and thank goodness those times are now very rare.

If you're so inclined, listen to this song and, for a short time, live pieces of my reality.



Jessica Warrick November 9, 2012 at 10:15 PM  

I so feel you on this song it really makes you see how things are for Bipolar individuals. I miss the old me. But i know that there is a new me and i have to learn to deal with her the way she is and try to help myslef be as normal as i can... Just only if i could remember to get my medicine from the pharmacy on

Outcast November 10, 2012 at 3:13 AM  

I love this song so much Diva, it always reminds me of myself too. I've felt every single word that Cash and Trent sang about and sometimes when I'm feeling down I just like to put it on and basically soak myself in the harrowing lyrics. The ending especially strikes me that he wouldn't change a thing and find a way despite everything. It's such a beautiful song and it's enhanced surely by how much it reminds you of your father.

MarkD60 November 10, 2012 at 4:52 AM  

I like Johnny Cash too. The movie about his life is very good, if you haven't seen it yet. I Walk The Line.. I think is the name

Red Shoes November 10, 2012 at 8:43 AM  

Hey, Sunshine...

I think this has become my favorite Johnny Cash song.

Thinking of you...



Andrea L November 10, 2012 at 3:17 PM  

I love Johnny Cash, and must have heard this song hundreds of times, but I don't think I ever really listened to it before. I can definitely understand how you connect with it. It's really putting it all out there....
The good news is though that it's great you've been feeling somewhat 'stable' lately. Honestly, I went for years once where you would have never known I suffer from bipolar, but sadly I can't say that right now...

Saracide November 20, 2012 at 6:49 PM  

I love this song, both versions. I've always thought it has spoken to me personally as well. It just describes everything so perfectly.

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