Monday, December 17, 2012
I had an appointment with my therapist today. I don't think his life will ever be the same.
Tell me, how does one shock a therapist? Well, let's just say you should have been there.
He's relatively new to me and I wasn't really sure I could trust him. Have I ever mentioned I have major trust issues? HA!
I seem to have this life long record of trusting people only to be proven wrong time and time again, so I was a little nervous when I went in today. I view most psychologists with suspicion anyway. I mean who in their right mind would want to sit around all day, day in and day out, listening to problems voiced by others? No sane person I know, see my dilemma?
He met me in the lobby and escorted me back to his office. I was laughing as we walked through the door to the yellow painted room of secrets. That seemed to have gotten his attention. I'm usually extremely reserved with him, I mean I can talk to someone at Starbucks and not have to pay for it considering the amount of information I usually give him. I'm not even sure why in the hell I see a therapist when I have Angela.
I'm very careful with my words when I speak to him, after all he's armed with a pen and paper that only ends up in my permanent record and who in the hell knows what really happens with that record? I'm not sure how much information he writes in that file he has.
My last therapist was cool. I was really comfortable with her and would tell her anything. She'd write things like, "talked about relationship problems," or, "money matters." She also swore like a sailor, kept her feet propped up on a table and was tattooed from here to there, yeah, I totally trusted her with everything.
But this guy, I haven't been so sure about. But I gave myself away by my laughter. He asked me how my week went. I laughed a little more and shook my head, sure sign of trouble ahead.
I hesitated for a minute, looked him in the eye and said, "I'm not sure how much I can trust you." He was cool about it and told me it was my call. So I stared at him a minute more before deciding to go full force ahead. See I was in devastated Diva mode today and, unfortunately for him, he got everything I had.
I couldn't help but chuckle the entire time, it's better than crying isn't it? And we all know I don't do tears. Tears cause ruined make up and make for puffy eyes, not Diva-like, and I have a reputation to keep up after all.
So devastated Diva or not, I was going to get through the appointment with as much grace as possible. I pretty much laid it all out for him and let him sort out the details. He took it pretty well, I think. I mean he was still speaking to me when I paid him. Wait a minute, maybe he wasn't so sure I would pay him had he behaved any other way.
I told him of personal decisions made years prior and pretty much how the chicken flies in my life and in my relationships. In reality those decisions have worked pretty well all the way around, all sides have been in agreement and forward we went. I forget, though, that what seems normal to me may seem a bit unusual to the outsider.
But I was reminded of that this week and saw my life with fresh eyes when I invited an outsider in. Although unusual, my life usually works well. I found myself in a place trying to justify my decisions and the reality of my life, it was a situation that I haven't been in for quite some time. It was frustrating and I felt I had to defend my decisions and in the process I made a total fool of myself. That's another thing that's unusual for me. I'm usually in complete control of the information I make available to people, even here where I'm pretty damned open, for the most part I'm careful.
The therapist took it all in and asked me some pretty thought provoking questions. He didn't freak on me, he didn't seem to judge me, he just listened and gave me some great things to think about, like re-evaluating what's become status quo.
Do I keep things as they have been for years or do I make changes to allow for different experiences to enter my life? Do I stay in my comfort zone, or do I dare step out of it? Questions for the ages I tell ya, questions for the ages.