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Therapist Overload

Monday, December 17, 2012

I had an appointment with my therapist today. I don't think his life will ever be the same.

Tell me, how does one shock a therapist? Well, let's just say you should have been there.

He's relatively new to me and I wasn't really sure I could trust him. Have I ever mentioned I have major trust issues? HA!

I seem to have this life long record of trusting people only to be proven wrong time and time again, so I was a little nervous when I went in today. I view most psychologists with suspicion anyway. I mean who in their right mind would want to sit around all day, day in and day out, listening to problems voiced by others? No sane person I know, see my dilemma?

He met me in the lobby and escorted me back to his office. I was laughing as we walked through the door to the yellow painted room of secrets. That seemed to have gotten his attention. I'm usually extremely reserved with him, I mean I can talk to someone at Starbucks and not have to pay for it considering the amount of information I usually give him. I'm not even sure why in the hell I see a therapist when I have Angela.

I'm very careful with my words when I speak to him, after all he's armed with a pen and paper that only ends up in my permanent record and who in the hell knows what really happens with that record? I'm not sure how much information he writes in that file he has.

My last therapist was cool. I was really comfortable with her and would tell her anything. She'd write things like, "talked about relationship problems," or, "money matters." She also swore like a sailor, kept her feet propped up on a table and was tattooed from here to there, yeah, I totally trusted her with everything.

But this guy, I haven't been so sure about. But I gave myself away by my laughter. He asked me how my week went. I laughed a little more and shook my head, sure sign of trouble ahead.  

I hesitated for a minute, looked him in the eye and said, "I'm not sure how much I can trust you." He was cool about it and told me it was my call. So I stared at him a minute more before deciding to go full force ahead. See I was in devastated Diva mode today and, unfortunately for him, he got everything I had. 

I couldn't help but chuckle the entire time, it's better than crying isn't it? And we all know I don't do tears. Tears cause ruined make up and make for puffy eyes, not Diva-like, and I have a reputation to keep up after all.

So devastated Diva or not, I was going to get through the appointment with as much grace as possible. I pretty much laid it all out for him and let him sort out the details. He took it pretty well, I think. I mean he was still speaking to me when I paid him. Wait a minute, maybe he wasn't so sure I would pay him had he behaved any other way.

I told him of personal decisions made years prior and pretty much how the chicken flies in my life and in my relationships. In reality those decisions have worked pretty well all the way around, all sides have been in agreement and forward we went. I forget, though, that what seems normal to me may seem a bit unusual to the outsider.

But I was reminded of that this week and saw my life with fresh eyes when I invited an outsider in. Although unusual, my life usually works well. I found myself in a place trying to justify my decisions and the reality of my life, it was a situation that I haven't been in for quite some time. It was frustrating and I felt I had to defend my decisions and in the process I made a total fool of myself. That's another thing that's unusual for me. I'm usually in complete control of the information I make available to people, even here where I'm pretty damned open, for the most part I'm careful.

The therapist took it all in and asked me some pretty thought provoking questions. He didn't freak on me, he didn't seem to judge me, he just listened and gave me some great things to think about, like re-evaluating what's become status quo.

Do I keep things as they have been for years or do I make changes to allow for different experiences to enter my life? Do I stay in my comfort zone, or do I dare step out of it? Questions for the ages I tell ya, questions for the ages.


Pat December 18, 2012 at 6:26 AM  

So really, to me, it sounds like it DID go well. Letting it all hang out, per say, and he seemed to be able to take it. Change is ALWAYS hard. It is ALWAYS scary. Status Quo is easy. But in the long run, if you made the changes, would your life be easier? Good luck to you.

Mom December 18, 2012 at 9:30 AM  

My dearest Diva. You will never know how strong you are until your world gets turned upside down. I know, I've been there. Could things get worse?...oh, you bet ya'. Could they get better? bet ya'. Get yourself a big, black, shiny, trash bag, every night dump your day's garbage into it, including(the status quo)then, tie it up, next morning sit it at the curb.

Outcast December 18, 2012 at 9:42 AM  

This sounds like it went brilliantly to me Diva and I'm so glad to read that, your therapist is a good guy genuinely by the sounds of it and I think that you can trust him and should step out of your comfort zone a little more. He gets a thumbs up from me, at least for now.

The Bipolar Diva December 18, 2012 at 10:29 AM  

Thanks y'all. it's been a trying week and your comments really are uplifting and encouraging to me. Things are a bit strange right now, but I think everything will work out fine.

MarkD60 December 19, 2012 at 5:53 AM  

I understand the reluctance to trust a therapist, after all, he could push the secret button, the guys in the white suits come in and put you in a jacket with reeeallly long sleeves, and you'd spend an indeterminate amount of time in a comfy room with padded walls.

But seriously, it sounds like it went well. I wonder, though, when you say you laughed, I wonder if it was genuine laughing, nervous tweetering, or other type laughter...

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