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Why Is It?

Saturday, December 8, 2012

The small ones are the easiest; what jeans will I wear? Stone over porcelain is a no brainer, as is black nails, or red nails? Black has won out for years now, and will for the foreseeable future.

It's the big ones, the life altering ones, that are the most difficult to make, yet the most plain to see. I work in an industry where decisions of all kinds are required immediately throughout the day. They're a snap to make usually, maybe because a phone call can almost always solve the problem at hand or maybe because they're not changing the course of my life and the lives of those around me.

A rather large decision was made several years ago and, up until recently, it was workable, but now seems the right time for the next step. That step, however, has me frozen in a state of "what ifs," and fear. I'm not one to live in fear, yet I seem to be facing it on a daily basis. I was fine with the status quo then, but now is different. There's an urgency to it that is slapping me in the face.

My anxiety level is over the top some days and I'm glad I'm not alone running the business, I don't have to make all the decisions, I don't have to attend to every detail, I have someone that is exceptionally good at that. We work well together and when one is off the other steps in, just as any good partnership should be.

It's not the business I'm worried about, it's my personal life and its direction that has me tied in knots.

Someone asked me a question a few days ago and it''s been on my mind continually. No matter what I do, I can't shake it. It haunts me and it's unrelenting.

When he asked me I sighed, glanced down for just a second before looking back into his eyes and mouthing the word "No." It was at that precise moment I realized the answer should have been, "Yes, yes I am." But those answers are just technicalities, as I said, the decision was made years ago and, for me, has worked well. 

For someone on the outside looking in, I'm sure it seems unimaginable, unworkable and unbelievable. When in fact it's worked quite well, until now. Now is the time to move forward, now is the time to think of the future and now is the time to conquer the fear.


 

3 comments:

Rob-bear December 9, 2012 at 4:43 AM  

Well, this is "interesting." Just because the decision was made years ago, and was good then, doesn't mean that it's the right one now. Or the wrong one now.

Life changes. "Things happen." WE move on with our brains and our hearts.

Blessing and Bear hug while you sort this out.

lalalady December 9, 2012 at 9:41 AM  

Sigh, dang, sounds like you are down to 'the last two hundred miles'. All you can do is a mile at a time.

Tami December 9, 2012 at 11:39 AM  

Anxiety on a personal level is so much higher than at work. I think so anyway. You can walk away from work, but you cannot walk away from your life. You are strong! You will get through this.

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