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Quelling The Kaleidoscope

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Her thoughts gave her motion sickness. They reminded her of the roomful of black track, her father forced her to watch when she was a child, that had tiny cars, of all colors, racing about.

Some of the small, shiny, toys would travel the same path continually, never deviating from their steady pace, others would gather speed until they threw themselves from the track and rolled across the hardwood floors, only to crash into the nearest wall, marring the paint of the base moulding. 

The electrical smell of the track and the cars combined was also present in the deluge of the reality of events tumbling about with things that could be, and things that could have been, they were racing around the lobes of her brain and crashing into her skull. The lingering memory of the long ago odor only made the fog in her head more heavy and dense.

One thought could not be separated from another, and they became a gigantic mass, just as the cars would eventually have done, had her father not deliberately slowed their pace, and carefully re-positioned them on the track he had painstakingly pieced together.

She had always hated when she heard him call her name to watch the swirling cars, they hurt her head, they made her dizzy and the smell, along with the movement, sickened her stomach.

The movement of the thoughts was no different. It had to be their combination that left her feeling once more like a child. There were so many, ranging from intense anger, hurt, and the deepest pain of all pains, to fear, abandonment, joy, excitement, and physical agony. They all were heaped into one massive form that could not be divided.

Most of the feelings, on their own, with the exception of the abandonment and soul piercing pain, would have been easy enough to separate into containers and dealt with in their own time, but there was no time. Each had to be dealt with together, as a whole as soon as possible, or the ship would go down.

As the thoughts collided she kept glancing at the amber colored bottles, filled with a myriad of concoctions, that lay in groups around the room, and wondered which would quell the noise, and which would stop it for eternity, and she was determined to decide which option she would choose.


The Guardian Bell

Sunday, December 15, 2013

I caught a glimpse of it as soon as I pulled into the driveway this morning. A Guardian Bell, I have on my Harley, was dangling slightly below the weather proof cover that protects one of the loves of my life, my Heritage Softail. 

I always yearn to ride, but today caught me by surprise. It's December and cold rain is falling, so riding isn't that appealing, and I have a million details to attend to before embarking on my journey.  So many events have been swirling, like a tornado winding its way through my life, in recent months, that riding has been on the back burner. I've ridden some, but missed some major rallies due to unseen circumstances.

While I still was able to attend "bike nights" in the area, what I long for are more long trips. I had one planned for September that would have taken me down the entire Oregon and California coastlines, back up to hit Vegas for a few days, and on to catch the end of Street Vibrations before heading home to Portland.

I sat in the car for the longest time remembering trips past, and envisioning those yet to come. Yeah, I'm a chick, but the sound of pipes, the feel of the wind, and the biker bond is embedded deeply within my soul.


Sometimes The Best Start With No Beginning

Friday, November 29, 2013

Well, maybe there is a beginning, one of feeling the need to write. I never know where those times will lead me, but have found that many times they are my best source of therapy.

My feelings this week have run the full spectrum. I've experienced colors unable to be seen by others, those that can only felt by the soul.

I've searched words, memories, and thoughts. I've looked forward, behind, and carried the weight of the presence.

Few answers have come, only more questions, more thoughts, and even more colors, There have been smiles, laughter, and tears, realizations, pain, and joy.

I've found real friendships, and seen the true, bitter, characters of others. The truest of friends, and family, are the ones that know the entirety of situations and have no gaps to fill in or imagine. The bitterness, and lack of character, has come from those with very little knowledge of the truth, other than the one they've formulated, those with no first hand knowledge, only speculation and the darkness of their own souls.

So, I guess, in retrospect, I have no need in my life for those that choose to spin tales with their tongues wagging, and their "truths" with eyes wide shut.

Peace Out,


Life Lesson From A Wise Man

Saturday, November 23, 2013

First of all, the picture I chose does not resemble the man of which I write, but there is enough of a resemblance that he will know. The cap, the glasses and the whiskers.

He is a very wise man and he taught me an incredible life lesson recently.

The lesson was to feel, and not to harm, to choose my words more carefully, after much consideration, and after emotion has come under control, even when I am hurting and confused, I need to stop and think.

He taught me what I have attempted to teach my children, that once spoken, or written, words are not easily forgotten. They leave a mark on people's souls, scars that heal slowly, and that trust must be regained.

He taught me to slow down and think rationally. He taught me much more than that, but the most important thing he taught me was that when you speak out of fear and emotion, you are likely to say the wrong thing, or express your feelings in a way that doesn't come across appropriately. 

He taught me to think, evaluate, and take a breath. He taught me that there are lives that can not be lost.  He taught me that if I don't choose my words wisely, people will be extremely hurt and very afraid.

I hope he reads this. If he does, I hope that he will "like" it on my Facebook page, then I will know that he will know that he made a life long impression on me, and made an incredible difference in my life, and in those around me, and in the way I react, the way I live. He will know that he changed my life for the better, and forever.

He made an impression on me that will never be forgotten.

Thank you, you are wise, you are amazing, and you are special. 


What a Week

Saturday, November 9, 2013

It's been such an emotion filled week, and you know me, I kind of put emotion in the back of my head most of the time when it's overwhelming. Today has brought with it a full spectrum of emotion, and I really don't like that. I've felt everything from elation, to complete fear, and totally feeling alone.

I've been in panic mode for most of the week. I think part of that is because in all the shuffling things about, I can't find my MOST important med, levothyroxine, and it's kind of freaking me out a bit, well, a lot. But on a wonderful side note, I haven't had to take one benzo the entire time....pretty freaking cool.

With all that's happening I need to calm down enough to find the medication, but that's been difficult. Life changes, sleep pattern changes, decisions, and all that come with stepping outside of the box have made it challenging to sit and go through things methodically.  I need to go through all my things tonight and find it.

I feel good though, no spirals, no symptoms of dark clouds looming, I'm just a bit on, well a lot on the scared side. I know my insecurities play into that more than I realize. I "think" I can control them, and I attempt to do so, but reality is that I have to deal with them on a daily basis, and with that comes fear.

My goal is not to allow them to capture me in their talons and to take control of them as I have attempted to do with bipolar, well, most of the time.

It's also funny to me, well sad really, who and what comes out of the woodwork when there are life changes, from people that have absolutely no knowledge of what happened behind the facade of the life I had lived. I even had one person tell me she was "ashamed of me." WTH? I didn't even read her entire text, it was too vile and hate filled, I don't need that now. I need support, my children need support, Jeff needs support. It's a scary time of change for us all, and I cannot fathom why someone would want to intentionally hurt another person in a time like this. Maybe it's because I just don't think that way.

She has not a clue as to the everyday happenings of the life I left. Yes, it bothers me because I love her, but I need to realize that's it's her burden to carry, not mine, and it's her character speaking, not mine. I won't allow people that say they "love" me to speak to me that way, even if they are speaking out of ignorance as to what has gone on.

So, I ask you all on this journey to bear with me. I may seem a little hypo-manic at times, while other times alone in the world, as I do this minute. Today I have experienced both of those emotions fully, and I am very much aware that others do as well.

But the sun will continue to shine, the moon to rise, and in time old scars shall be healed.  A new chapter begins, and life will continue.


No Longer A Rumor

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

First I apologize it's been such a long time since I've been on here. It's been chaotic, more than usual, hectic, and stressful. I haven't had the time, nor energy, to think, let alone write.

After months, years, of contemplating, discussing, and stressful situations, my husband and I have made the decision to part ways after 26 years of being together. 

For those that know us well, I realize this is no surprise. The reason I'm writing about this publicly is that last night Jeff asked me to inform everyone we know, and to ask our friends and family, not to inform him of any of my personal life, where I live, who I hang with, who I ride with, or who I know.

He doesn't want to know my friends, or anything, in anyway, about the life I choose to lead. Out of respect for him, I ask you to please honor his request.

We are keeping the business and will continue to work together. Things are amicable and we intend it to remain that way. In no way will we ask anyone to choose sides, that's not right, it's not something we would ever consider.

Jeff will stay with the kids and the house, I am the one that will be leaving. I will be leaving Friday morning. I'll return to gather things I can't take with me after I find a place to land.

We won't be answering questions from anyone, friends or family, about our decision, and what led to it, so please don't put Jeff, me, or my children in the difficult position of peppering us with questions. We will not give answers.

Thanks so much for your understanding and support, and thank you for respecting our privacy during this time.

In time, I know I will be writing of new adventures and new discoveries of a new life, but only when the time is right for all concerned. 

Thank you in advance for your support and for honoring Jeff's request.


Just Crusin'

Monday, October 21, 2013

I was in the left lane. Left lane means fast lane, right? Right.

Plus the right lane was filled with these old people going, like, the speed limit. What's with that shit?

I was just cruisin' along with only one thing on my mind. Had the music up, beautiful day, what could be better than getting to where I was headed?

Then I saw them, you know, flashing red and blue lights? Yeah, there was a cop right behind me. I didn't even look down to see how fast I was going, I just knew I was in a hell of a lot of trouble, plus I was texting, not punch the little button texting, but hands-free voice texting, but my phone was in my lap. I so knew I was screwed.

I made my way in between the line of Flinstone cars over to the shoulder of the highway, stopped and pushed the little button to put my window down. I leaned over, reached into the glove compartment and got my registration, but I had no insurance card..........anywhere. I was going to jail, convinced of it, knew it, ready to be handcuffed.

The deputy came up to my window, looked at me and smiled. I hate when they do that, you KNOW they're going to rake you over the coals when they do that.

"Ma'am, how are you today?"

"Evidently screwed."

He laughed a little.

"Are you from around here?"

Thinking now, "Dumbass, I know you ran my plates already. You know exactly where I live."

"No sir."

"I just had a black E class Mercedes pass me going 101."

I could only look at him. I had NO idea what to say. Not one word entered my mind, not one. For me, that's a very strange feeling. Actually, that's not true. I thought, for a split second, if I asked him to spank me instead of giving me a ticket, he might let me go.

He kept smiling at me, I kept looking at him.  He never asked for my license, my registration or my insurance. He just kept smiling.

Then he began to nod his head as if he was telling me what to say.

"You were just trying to pass those slow cars weren't you?"

"Yes sir."

"That's what I thought. By the way, beautiful car. Go ahead and pass, and, Ma'am, slow down a little."

He smiled again and walked away.

I sat there for a minute, not really sure what to do, what to think. That shit doesn't happen, especially if I was going as fast as he said I was.

He got in his car and flew down the highway, blowing by every car in sight.

I processed a minute and then thought, "Ok, I'll take it down ten miles an hour."

And off I went. 

But, damn, no handcuffs?


It's Been Awhile

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Even through the fog the vision was clear, unsettling and necessary.

Through the haze I heard the call and followed the echo of my name that was being repeated in the heavy, thick air that surrounded me. 

Time had been suspended in those eternal minutes and the distraction that followed was a welcome relief from the bombardment. 

The movements were smooth and deliberate. Emotion was numbed and release was imminent. 

Seeing the effect of those carefully placed strokes was strangely calming and despair was banished. 

The cause and effect has been burned into my soul and will not fade from memory.

Although unorthodox in it's delivery, the ethereal peace that flooded my mind and body was as life giving as the crimson drops that fled the open wounds. 

The whirlwind that surrounded this peace was for a time stifled, the world had stopped and I was allowed to catch my breath. 

I'm left to contemplate the actions and the benefits and wonder if another time I shall surrender to it's spell.


Compassion and Possibilities!

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Look what Motorcycle Travel America Foundation achieved! 

We have the opportunity to receive a grant to get us started on our way to helping riders in crisis. 

Click on and vote for the MTAF and spread the word. 

We can make a difference but only with the support of the people of the riding community and opportunities like this. Help us support, educate and inform. Pass it along and lets get this!

Please VOTE here 

Please guys, help us help others! Share this page on Twitter, FB, Google+, Pinterest, everywhere.

We CAN do this!

And if you haven't yet subscribed to my other blog, Two Wheels and the Curves, please, do so now, come on, feed a Diva's ego and let's get together and support a community so many forget.



Yes, Another One

Monday, September 30, 2013

I wasn't sure the day would come, but it has.

Many of you know I had a private, invitation only blog at one point in time. I've started another one, I'm not sure how long it will last, or how often I will post.

As open as I like to be, I've realized that there are somethings I want, need, to say that I really don't want public access to.

If you had access to the previous one, the new one will be nothing like it. This one is more of a "processing" site.

One where I can work through some things, say some things that I need to say, and maybe get a little feedback.

It could be deeper, maybe more dark at times, maybe not, I really don't know yet what it will be. I guess it will be somewhere for me to retreat to in times of feeling the need to write, but not really wanting it open to everyone in the world.

If you'd like access, shoot me an email at The Bipolar Diva

If I can validate you, feel safe with you and free from judgement, I'll send you the link, otherwise, stay tuned here.

Ya know, The Diva always likes to make an appearance!

Peace out,



Thursday, September 26, 2013

I've opened this page so many times in the last several months, years, with the intention of writing, letting things out, letting them go, and just haven't been able to find the right words in which to do so.

I have two incredible doctors, my psychologist, and my psychiatrist. The psychologist listens to my shit, the psych listens to my needs, medicinally speaking. They speak together, so one knows what the other one does, they look after me, and are a great team. They've both told me how well I am, how far I've come, and how amazed they are at my composure and my ability to be objective when it comes to looking at myself and the world around me. Pretty cool, hey? Yeah, I've pretty much rocked it lately.

However, I called my psychologist a few weeks ago for an "emergency, get me in NOW," session, and he was able to. I really don't know how they do what they do. There's no way I could sit eight hours a day listening to people whine, cry and carry on. I don't do that. I'm rational, I listen, I take in, and I learn. I want to work on myself and be the best I can be, but I don't take bullshit either.

I warned him, as I walked down the hallway to his office that day, that this session would be different. Usually I'm calm, self contained, and collected. I think through things, we exchange ideas and come up with strategies for whatever may be the topic of the day.

I'm doing well, really well, and have been for some time, years in fact, however that day he was going to see a side of me he had never before witnessed. I warned him, I gave him the chance to run, but he knew it was a time I really needed to process some things.

I didn't even give him the chance to speak, as I usually do, right off the bat I laid it out. Every bit of what had been building came from my mouth, my heart and soul and wafted through the air. He sat back and allowed me to totally go off, not at him, but other situations. He listened, he watched my body language, and he asked me to keep going each time I apologized for how emphatic, and frustrated, I was.

I got it out, it felt good, although I'm sure my blood pressure was off the chart. He sat back and settled into the over-stuffed leather couch, and thought about what I was, at that time, pretty much yelling about.

After I was finished, he began to speak, and we devised a plan for my self preservation. He gave me awesome ways to cope with the situation at hand. I sat back, began to breathe again, did not take a benzo, and listened intently to his advice, of course, after apologizing for the 90th time for my venting, pacing, and being a tad bit on the loud side. 

Instantly, that day, I began to implement what we had discussed. It was difficult at times, but I stuck to the plan. I hadn't had a chance to really act on his advice until tonight.

Today has been incredible, as they have been for awhile now, and one phone call, a few minutes ago, got heated quickly, but it gave me the opportunity to really lay it down and enforce the rules the doctor and I had agreed upon.

It took me a bit to get out of the same pattern, that had been placed years in advance, and put the doctor's words into action, and I did exactly what we had discussed. At first I did say what I needed, wanted, to say before remembering what the doctor and I had spoken of.

I removed myself from the conversation, it wasn't easy, but I did it. I did it. That's the important part, I did it! I'm proud of myself, am I ok right now? No, I'm not. Words thrown as poisonous darts take a while to recover from, I'll recover, much more quickly than in the past, I'm stronger than I was then, I didn't allow buttons, that had knowingly been pushed in the past, to affect me tonight. 

What I need to keep in mind is there are boundaries I will no longer allow to be crossed. If I remember, and stick to, that, Diva is gonna be just fine.



Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Somewhere between consciousness and the darkest shadows of sleep lies a parallel universe where dreams and reality are melded into one. It is a place where we are not bound by earthly constraints and our innermost fears and desires are lived out in the most amazing detail. We, as well as those that came before us and those who come after us, are free to enter and leave as we wish.

It is to that altered existence I find myself increasingly drawn. In that ethereal plane most responsibilities and difficulties of life are released and I am free to discover inner most truths and to follow the whims of my heart. These are times I have grown to treasure and my visits to this reality occur with greater frequency.

Judgment is not passed and assorted relationships can be explored without fear of discovery or retribution. It is during these precious few hours that those connections that have been severed can once again be enjoyed. And those that have yet to form are brought to fruition.

After hours of indulgence I find myself reluctantly being pulled back to the bonds of this terrestrial plane. I am left with only vivid memories and cannot help but wonder about the authenticity of these times and if I alone participated.

Don't forget to check out and join my newest blog, Two Wheels and the Curves. Join it, like it, help an incredible cause, Motorcycle Travel America. Join for free, help get our numbers up so we can gain sponsors to help those injured and their families.

Peace out, 


Come Ride With Me!

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Hey all, here it is...the newest blog! Two Wheels and the Curves.

Bikers, bikes, trips, cool stuff. Am I gonna steer you wrong? Uh, no.

One of the coolest things is you can click on the Foundation Page to see what it's all about, and there's even a tab to join for free.

Great cause, great people, great fun.

Check it out, follow it, share it, because....well, ya know, you love me and all.

Come on, join me for the ride. You can follow the blog by email, google+ or google friends. Sign up, what to you have to lose? That's what I thought, not a thing.

Hug, kisses and rolling the throttle!



Friday, September 20, 2013

Today was an amazing day, in almost every way.

But I suddenly realized something this afternoon. It slapped me in the face, so to speak, and I need to decide if it's something I'm willing to accept. Maybe that comes with age, or years of therapy. Doesn't really matter, maybe it just happens.

I'm not speaking of the "in the moment, this minute" picture, I'm speaking of seeing things in more of a "big picture" way, months, years down the road type of scenario.

For me, today, I realized that's what I'm facing. Can I live with this forever, or can I not? No decision needs to be made now, nor do I want one made now. I just have to face what's most probable and decide if it's something that will kill me in the end, or be worth the patience needed, which I know it will be without a doubt.

Logic, to me, is a relativity new concept. Seeing down the road is new to me, maybe because I'm doing better than ever before. I'm beginning to think through things based on logic and not emotion.

Yes, I believe very much in following your dreams, following your heart........but what if your logic is correct and your maybe someday not so much?

Do I protect myself now, or do I chance it?


Changes, Curves, And Excitement!

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Ok everyone, let's get down to business! I alluded to some changes coming my way and I can finally say they are coming together!

When our family was, is, in crisis, I found there are lots of groups out there that want to help, but so many just don't have the ability to reach out and make a real difference. I kept thinking there needed to be a cohesive "hub," where people could turn to for information, help, guidance and the like. 

Then I met a wonderful woman, Judy LaParne. She and I hit it off, she had founded exactly what I had been visualizing. After meeting she asked me if I would like to accept a position in an organization she founded to help the biker community. She asked me, get this, if I would consider being the "Social Media Coordinator." Girl knows me and my love of talking and socializing!

So it's official! I am now the Social Media Coordinator for Motorcycle Travel America Foundation!
I'm really excited about the opportunity and ready to get down to business!

I'm getting a new blog set up. When it's ready to roll, I'll post the link and you guys hop over and show your support, and help me look a little bit like I know what I'm doing in this new venture.

We all know motorcyclists, and this foundation is more than just a place for help for injured bikers and their families. It's interactive and way cool!

You can plan and share trips, communicate with friends, buy or sell gear, find biker friendly merchants, organize and promote events and manage your club. Motorcycle Travel America was created as a tool for ALL riders.

You can find events, friends, rides, as well as support our fellow brothers and sisters in times of tragedy.

This is what I REALLY want you to do: like the Facebook page, so Judy knows I'm doing my job, join the official website, it's free, and the more supporters we have, the more likely we are to gain sponsors to fund the help so many people need, but isn't there, and follow us on Twitter @MTAFoundation. Tell them Diva sent you, no, I get no kickback, no money, I just want to give to the community, to help others in need.

Even if you aren't a biker, join, like I said it's free to join and sponsors like to see membership. It's an incredible way to reach out to those that are in real need.

Every rider counts. Every rider has a family. Every rider is someone's child. Show your support, get on board and let's help get this off the ground and make a difference!

You guys can do it, I know you can help make a difference. Come on friends, show your support and let's rock this thing!



The Passionate Side of Life

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Thought I should check in, at least. Things have been good, really, really good in so many aspects. There will always be challenges, that's a given. With Jeff, things are not good, but that is in the hands of others now.

On the flip side I have amazing people in my life. There have been disappointments, true colors have come forth, in a few I thought were close, but with that knowledge came true freedom, and less condemnation. It came with a freedom never before experienced. It is to be nurtured, cared for and intertwined.

I have had an awakening of sorts, and I like it. I'm not being irresponsible, or making bad decisions. Over the years I have gotten to know the person, so long locked away, and I like that person, I like the crazy, wild child my father raised. I've made some rather amazing decisions, or rather, they found me, and who am I to turn that away? Life changing moments come at very unexpected times, and when they happen, there is no stopping them, and I don't want to stop them.

It's taken me many years to realize things that should have been realized before. My state of mind is the most important thing, and now it's in a good place with the help of  couple of amazing people. I'm thinking through things carefully, and being very cautious. I believe in the end, all will be as it should.

I want my life to be full of true love, of passion, not really sexual passion, but passion that has for so long been locked away. The passion of looking into someone's eyes and knowing instantly the connection is there.

The light shines bright, it is scary and a path unknown to me before, but it's a path I want to walk, for myself. Selfish? No, I've given my entire life to the encouraging, teaching, and nurturing of others.

Now, it's my time. My time to be set free, to have, and to have freely, not material objects, but feelings  that are emotionally bonded to me, and I to them, in ways unknown before.

I am on a different path, and I like it.



Decisons, Two More And Happiness!

Friday, September 6, 2013

Ok, so here's a bit of news. I'm going to begin two new blogs! One is kind of a surprise, until it's ready, but it's a real passion of mine and I want you all there! I need your support!

Great cause, great foundation and get, well, I'm the volunteer "Social Media Coordinator!" You guys have to be in, I'll tell you more about when the official site is up. I'm excited. Although the focus in on one community, there are none left out.

Also, I've decided to put up another private site, nothing weird, nothing but some of the struggles, the triumphs, the wonderful things I don't feel I can share with everyone for various reasons. Some of the thoughts I think are too dark for this site, and I need a place to vent, I need people to listen, guide me gently, to write out my somewhat jumbled thought process. I do put pieces on here that are more in depth, but sometimes my struggles are much more. I'd rather have this site on the more upbeat side of being crazy. That site will be password protected and be accessed by invitation only. This one will stay!

I get a lot of flack from a lot of people that don't understand the reality of this life, they just don't get it. Hell I didn't get it until I studied it. I feel I do a pretty good job on this site allowing a transparent glimpse into my world, as I see it, and I will continue to do so.

I've neglected it a bit for several months, but with my husband so injured and attempting to sort out things,  have left me with little or no time. Hopefully that will change very, very soon.

Yes, if you're on my FB Fan page you know I recently had a bout of hypo mania, I guess, Let's see, pierced my nose, had two tattoos touched up, but all that's ok,  I'm making good decisions, very good decisions. Every one, but one person, seems to realize how much better it is for me than other past, and physically harmful, things.

At least I know for certain what her feelings for me are, and they most certainly are not in my best interest. It's good to know that, I don't need the hypocrisy, the seeming "caring," and I don't need to idolize someone that believes I should have scars on my arms instead of a tattoo, or a piercing in my nose.

What's funny is that I was warned about it almost my entire life, but  didn't believe it, now I've seen it first hand. That's hard to accept in many ways, but you know what? I've also realized it's not my loss. It's hers, I'm worth more than that.

Good decision!

Going to attempt to come up with domain names this weekend for the new blog sites! Will be working diligently on those to get them up and running!

Love and kisses,



It Will Not Take Me Down

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

I thought about it, I did, I won't deny it. It comes with the genetic demons that haunt me, or attempt to haunt me. It's part of the path I've traveled for years in this life that I've learned, and am still learning, to navigate.

For a very long time, actually years, I haven't attempted it, though I have fought the urge to give into the ethereal peace it brings on several occasions. Many people know the peace that follows the intentional actions, many don't understand, they haven't walked in the midst of the oppression that bipolar, especially uncontrolled bipolar, can bring.

Medications, therapy, research, determination, and distractions have gotten me through times when self harm has tried to take control of my mind. I'm determined not to allow it to win. Some of the actions I have chosen as distractions are a form of self harm. They are acceptable by many, and are seen as taboo by others. For me, however, they are favorable. They are huge steps forward and signal that I can control my, once uncontrollable, actions. I am in charge, they are not.

Last week a bout hit me. I was almost overtaken by the overwhelming allure that dangled as a carrot before me. I had been blindsided with doubt, despair, rejection and the feeling of being alone. It was a simple incident, but the effect it had on me was shattering.

The thought did cross my mind, but only for a second. I breathed deeply and decided distraction was my only option, my way to control the urges that were trying to take me down into the pits of Hell and to the demons that fight for my soul. 

It was then I made a call, and set an appointment, to have my nose pierced. I've wanted it pierced for years, but was always doubtful. I then realized I had made my decision not to have it pierced earlier in my life because of what people might think. Well, I believe they would receive a tiny piercing in my nose much more than they would scars on my arm. I did it the next day, and I love it, I totally love it. One of my kids said to me the other day, "Mom, I was afraid when you said you were going to do that, but I like it, it's really is cool." Score!

While I was in the shop for the piercing, one of my tattoo artists looked at a tattoo he had done for me months ago. He said he noticed there were places that needed to be touched up. I didn't see any, but he did, so I made an appointment for today.

I was sitting before him, my arm resting on the padded table, and I watched intently as he put each item into its proper place. It was then I knew, even though the urge was no longer with me, that I was actually looking forward to the feeling of the needles of his gun as they embedded ink beneath my skin.

That realization had me perplexed. I felt great, I was doing well, the previous urges had been quelled by distraction. Then it hit me, the situation I had been faced with earlier in the week had not been resolved. Even though I had no intention, no thought, no plan of harm, I wanted to feel the comforting sting. The closer he lowered the gun to my arm, the more I felt the tension lifted.

With that first touch, I breathed deeply, I allowed my head to fall back, and I savored the release of the pent up emotion that was allowed to be discharged with each stroke the artist made.

Does that make me strange, a freak, or just someone that has learned how to control an unacceptable urge that happened to be gifted to me by a genetic defect?

I am the victor, I shall win this battle, and the ones to come. At times, I may slip a bit, but I am realizing more with each day how to conquer those times, how to recognize the signs before they take me in their talons, and turn the tables. It's a battle I'll always fight, but it is one that will not take me with it. 

With love, 



Foreshadowing Or Emotion?

Friday, August 16, 2013

Simple emotion, or tales of things to come?

Sometimes it's difficult to understand, to discern exactly, which emotions on which to act, and on which to rest.

One thing I have learned though the years of life rocking torment is, generally, resting on those emotions is a far better way to cope with the undercurrent that seeks to pull me down, and take me with its power.

No longer is comfort found in sitting on the edge of the sterile, tiled, tub deck, holding a recently misused, cold steel blade, although they are just feet away, and gaze at the release of warm, red droplets as they form a trail that runs the length of my arm. Then seeing, feeling, them as they fall into a splattered pool on the hard stone floor.

It's difficult for others to understand how the thick, crimson ribbons take with them emotional pain and release immeasurable peace that floods the mind, soul and spirit.

For the last several years the temptation is one that has rarely entered my mind, and when it has it's only been for short flashes of time.

I'm in a good place, I can cope, even though the temptation lies only a few short feet away. Clinging to that good place can be a difficult task, but cling I do, for now.

  "The Letter"

All I ever wanted was some love and peace and harmony
I could dance in the raw in the sun underneath the stars
When I walk over to my money tree ain't nobody there
Trying to take from me
When they ask "Are you truly free?" I'd say "Yes, truly"
But down here in really everybody knows there ain't
No such thing
And It's clear
It's obviously this is not the place I'm supposed to be
On and on and on I've searched
What I'm looking for is not here on earth
I can't stand I can't take no more
So I know that I goota go
So long everybody
Mama don't be sad for me
Life was a heartache and now I am finally free
Don't know where I'm headed
Hope I see you someday soon
So long everybody
I have gone beyond the moon

All I ever wanted was some love and peace and harmony
Just to be live and shine
When I get ready I up and fly
And I can't remember none of the things that I want
To forget
It's the best - satisfaction no less
Ask if I'm free and I'll say "Oh yes"
But down here in really everybody knows there ain't
No such thing
And It's clear
It's obviously this is not the place I'm supposed to be
On and on and on I've searched
What I'm looking for is not here on earth
I can't stand I can't take no more
So I know that I gotta go
So long everybody
Mama don't be sad for me
Life was a heartache and now I am finally free
Don't know where I'm headed
Hope I see you someday soon
So long everybody




Tuesday, August 13, 2013

It was late when I closed the laptop and all light vanished from the room leaving nothing, but the neon green numbers on the clock, that could be seen.

My eyes were heavy, and my bones weary, as I pulled the blankets up around my body, leaving nothing but the top of my shoulder exposed to the breeze of the overhead fan. I hoped sleep would soon overtake me, and I would be transported into a calm world, void of the constant movement and memories of the weekend. I closed my eyes, and settled in, with my left hand tucked under my chin, and my right arm resting beside my pillow.

The dancing thoughts in my mind were undaunted as I lay re-living conversations and activities of the previous days. I had a back up, as I always do when sleep evades me, but was hesitant to give into it's control over my spirit.

I opened my eyes, time after time, only to see the neon green numbers scream out to me how long I had been attempting to contain the thoughts, and allow slumber to take over my mind and soul.

The only movement I could feel was the in and out motion of my chest as I breathed deeply, in the hopes of banishing the clutter in my head.

Thoughts of my back up plan were haunting me, and I came close to reaching for the bottle, removing it's cap, and allowing several of the magical tablets it contained to slip into my hand.

It was then I felt movement next to me. It's presence startled me. It pushed thoughts of the white, oval,  pills from my mind as I concentrated on its motion.

Slowly I could feel something snaking over my bare skin, first touching my back, then gently sliding up to the crook of my hip and onto my stomach, where it stopped and rested, as if it had never left.

It was something not felt since the early months of the year. It was the warmth of human skin, the light, but comforting touch, of a hand that was reaching out in search of my presence, bringing with it the transference of peace and belonging.

Instantly my thoughts were quelled, and my spirit calmed. It was then I was able to forget the additional medication, and peacefully fall into a world of repose I so desperately needed.



The Writing Was On The Wall

Monday, August 5, 2013

It's been so freaking busy, like, "when can I breathe?" busy, that writing has had to wait a bit, ya know, people in pain.....sometimes, I'm not saying all the time, but sometimes, need a little extra attention. Ahem, no names mentioned...yet.

I have not even a clue as to what day it that a bipolar thing, a 50 yr old thing, or a blur of events thing? If you said, "blur of events," I love you! The rest of you...well, whatever, I love you too.

Evidently there is no doctor in the area that knows a doctor that specializes in rib-cage trauma. A bit funny, I think when after a little time online, I found an outstanding team of trauma specialists that have a very accomplished, though apparently, invisible rib specialist.

The accident was April 27th. That's what? 3 and a half months ago? That sounds like I'm counting or something.....

Jeff's pain level the other day was about 10. For Jeff, as so many know, meant he was in a lot of pain for him to even admit that. He also was short of breath, had a tight feeling in his chest, not great symptoms.

I called the rib clinic to see when they could get him in. When I told the nurse what was happening, she told us to get to the Emergency Department ASAP. It was strange, that after all the time that has passed, he was having that level of pain, and his shortness of breath could mean a collapsed lung.

Guess who dug his heels in? Yes, that would be correct. Finally when I explained all that she had said, he agreed to go, but said he would only wait 30 minutes then would leave with, or without, me. Wasn't too worried, I had the keys.

They got him right back in a room, and then the heavens opened. The MOST gorgeous doctor I have ever seen walked in. He was young, but he was, "I want your picture," HOT!

I looked at him and asked, "How old are you?"

"Twenty-eight ma'am."

LIGHT BULB! I have a beautiful 23 yr old daughter, he was 28, and freaking gorgeous, I had to find a way to get him her number, but SOMEONE in the room wouldn't let me....I mean that hot doc could be in our family and I'd get to look at him at all family occasions, and her Dad was holding me back? Clearly he wasn't picturing days at the beach with the girls being able to stare at the abs the doc most certainly had.

Oh, yeah, I forgot about Jeff for a minute. Hot doc ordered X-Rays. X-Ray dudes walked into the room and one had a very familiar style of tattoo. Me being me, I talk to anyone, and everyone.

"Where you get your work done?"

"Dead Gods Tattoo in Tigard."

"Joe does your work doesn't he?"

"You know Joe? Dominick? Eric?"

"Yeah! They do our work!"

Then Jeff had to interrupt my conversation and remind us, uh, me, that hot doc had ordered X-Rays. Ok, whatever. They took him, then he was back in a flash.

We waited a bit, then the doc came back in with an older doctor. They had puzzled looks on their faces.

"There's something in my gut that says we need to do a CT," the older doctor said, at least that's what Jeff said he said. I was too busy planning my daughter's wedding, and pretending to see the abs that were most definitely under hot doc's shirt.

He continued, "The film shows you have 8 broken ribs, and lots of other fractures, they all appear healed, but I really feel we need a CT."

Back they took him. He was back in the room in a flash and was squirming.

"Are you in pain?"

"No, I have to pee!"

"There's a bathroom behind the curtain."


I sat there, listening to him pee...and then nothing. There was total silence and then I heard, "OH NO!"


"It says in HUGE letters DO NOT USE TOILET! What am I going to do now?"

"You still have to pee?"

"Oh yeah."

"Well finish. What's it going to hurt at this point?"

Then he did his thing, came back into the room, looking a tad embarrassed. "Teri, what if the toilet is broken? What if I flush it and it overflows?"

I just looked at him. Then he began laughing, then harder, then to the point where he couldn't breathe.

"What's so funny?"

"Go find a vending machine and see if they have a Baby Ruth. I'm going to drop it in the toilet."

Ok, it was my turn to be the adult, "The hell you are!"

He kept laughing.

Finally the doctors came back. They had puzzled looks on their faces.

"Four of your ribs are healed, and four are not even close to touching. That's weird, they should have knitted together by now. The Trauma clinic will have this CT and the specialist will go over it in more detail than I can."

"Your lungs are good. No pooling of blood, no clots, no trapped air. They are ok, for now. If you have ANY of the same symptoms, or ones that are worse, get back in here as soon as you can."

I looked at Jeff with pleading eyes, ya know, to give Hot Doc our daughter's number. I could tell by his look, I would be buried beside the guinea pigs in the back yard if I said a word. He spoils ALL of my fun!

Then a nurse came in with discharge papers. He read them, signed them and as she was about to leave, I got a bit of revenge.



"He peed in the toilet."



It's All About My Martini

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Last night was a late, but incredible night, with new, and old, friends. Nikki and I hopped on the bike to meet everyone and network for some awesome causes.

It was "interesting" flying, uh, well, stopped, on I5 in five o'clock traffic. Nik and I were following and trying to keep up when traffic got moving again. It was awesome riding with two guys that have ridden for years, and knew the ins and outs of playing the traffic game. Finally we made it to our destination, Portland International Racetrack.

We had a great time handing out fliers, meeting people, and sitting around and talking. Then within, what seemed like minutes, it was time to go. Baby Girl rode on the back of a friend's bike to get out of the field we had parked in. Once on the pavement, she jumped off his bike and onto mine and we were on our way.

This is really going somewhere else, but, we had such a fantastic time, I couldn't help but write about it.

What this is really about is something quite true, mean, but true.

It was pitch black in my bedroom when I got home last night and cracked the door open. I was looking to see if Jeff was in there. If he was, I knew I couldn't turn on the light. Since the accident a lot of sensory things bother him, like lights, TV, my typing.

I could barely make out a shape in the bed, so I knew quiet was the drill. After splitting my forehead open the other night while attempting to navigate through the blackness of the moonless night to the bathroom, I put my hands out and felt around....Ok, that's the closet...touch, feel, search the carpet with my foot, trying to stay upright and not trip over my thrown around things.

After a bit of feeling around in the dark, I made it to the bathroom and hopped in the shower. Afterward I felt my way back to the bed, positioned a few pillows between Jeff's face and my laptop, so when I opened it, the glare wouldn't wake him.

It was then Martini decided to migrate to my side of the bed. She rustled her way out of the blankets Jeff had her wrapped in, stretched a bit, and walked over my stomach. She then rooted around and found her way under the blanket and nestled in. She settled tightly next to my thigh. I Facebooked a little, sent some emails, the usual bedtime routine. After that it was time for sleep. I used the light on my phone to search the pharmaceutical  assortment on my bedside table attempting to read the tiny words in the hopes of finding the correct medications needed before sleeping.

It was when I went to throw the top blanket off of me before lying down for the night, it was really hot in the room for some reason, that I realized how horrible I truly am. When I pulled the blanket back, to throw toward the middle of the bed, I noticed Martini didn't go under the sheet, she went under the top blanket. A flash went off in my head! I did more for my dog than I do for my kids.

She looked up at me with those little brown, pleading eyes, that asked not to be moved. I placed the blanket back over her, laid down, kept the blanket on, and tried to ignore the heat and sweat myself to sleep.

As I lay there sweating, it crossed my mind that I do more for my pup than I do for my kids. When we first got her, she wouldn't eat, so I made her chicken, rice, and got her special food. With the kids it's more like, "I don't know what you're gonna eat for dinner, look around, see what you can find. Oh, you found ice cream, ok, you can have that."

I can be sitting with my feet up writing and Martini will jump up and curl comfortably on my legs. I'm careful not to move her. If I need something, instead of moving my treasured friend,  it's "Hey, kid, can you get me some tea?" After all, I don't want to disturb the cute, little, hairy Yorkie that's so very comfortable.

Or, when it's cold out, I find her little sweater before she goes outside. With the kids, if they find a coat, they find a coat, if not, oh well.

I'll buy her special little liver treats, the kids get apples. I guess the apples aren't so bad, I do get nutritious food for the family, nothing canned or processed, so that's point in the Mom column. 

I'll trim the little hairs that grow around Martini's eyes, I toss the kids a pair of scissors and the clippers and say, "Find a mirror."

She's got her TIGI pet shampoo, the kids get's like .98 at Target.

Martini sleeps with Jeff and me and I tell the kids, "DO NOT knock on my door if it's closed unless there is a massive amount of blood, or an exposed bone." When I hear Martini's little cries if we forget her when we go to bed, I will get out of bed, which I do for no one, and let her in, gently picking her up and placing her under the blanket.

And to top it off, I have more pictures of my dog, than I do my kids. Kind of embarrassing really when someone asks if I have a picture of a certain child, and I have to scroll through tons of pictures of Martini to find a pic that a child MIGHT be in.

But there is ONE thing I will not do for child, dog, or husband, I don't do puke and I don't do poop. They're all on their own for that shit!

Kid just happened to be in the pic with the pup

NO ONE is allowed to touch my MacBook Pro

Another kid? Oh wait, grand kid, doesn't count

Actually, if you look through my FB pics, you'll see I do have pics of my kids, they're just mixed in between Matrini and motorcycles.

Now time for my Martini.

Oh, and read Jeff's updates here. Awesome guy, awesome cause. Please share his link if you can.

His Benefit Ride, sponsored by an awesome friend, Big Al, is August 10. Registration is 9, kickstands up at 10:30. Starting at the Hitchin' Post in Salem, going down through Sweethome, over MacKenzie Pass, to Sisters, to Detroit Lake and back to Salem for a great after party! Come join the fun!



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