Wednesday, January 2, 2013
The Cosmos could have kept coming, after all I had a driver, but for some reason I decided remaining a tad bit sober would be best, especially since I was the only one of the four of us drinking. It was just one of those nights I needed to get my drink on. I could have stayed all night.
I don't drink often and usually when I do I only have one or two, but tonight, tonight I could have imbibed the night away.
Dinner with friends, laughter, good food and alcohol can take your mind off of the most tragic of situations. It did and it felt damn good.
I saw my therapist this afternoon and told him the entire, sordid story....yes, I left some parts out of my last two posts for various reasons. He asked what I did to get through the turmoil of the past few days and I told him I wrote, I cried and I relied on Valium to take the edge off. He seemed pleased, as if I'm concerned that my therapist is pleased with me, or my behavior.
He did, however, give me one sound bit of advice this afternoon. I told him there are people I thought were close to me that have made no phone calls, no texts, no semblance of caring and that it hurt, but the hurt was good. It made me realize just where our relationships stand. I've craved their acceptance for quite sometime now and it has come increasingly clear to me that it just won't happen.
His exact words to me, "Screw them." I think those two words alone were worth the price of the co-pay and something I need to consider.
The hour today flew by. I think mostly it was filled with my venting and outrage at the situations that have occurred in the last 72 hours (and some that haven't), and my realizing my lack of control over something I very much want to control.
I have to give it up and realize that the choices that were made were the best ones for the majority, and that I was not the one that forced my hand, that drew a line in the sand, and that was responsible for the makings of a very unpeaceful and dangerous situation.
The pain remains, but I'm more peaceful with it all. But that peace comes with the high price tag of guilt. Guilt will do no good and will only obscure my clarity, which is very much needed at this time.
Yes, clarity is needed, and clarity I shall seek.