Wednesday, March 27, 2013
|Jakob and me today|
It’s a fine line, and I don’t expect many people outside the circle of the Bipolar Club to understand it.
Today was an incredible day. The sun was shining, the moon roof was open, and I felt great as Lynyrd Skynyrd was filling the air around me. It was the kind of day people live for, cherish and truly enjoy.
I, however, walk the line. I walk the very fine line of being able to enjoy what others may realize is truly a great day, and wondering if my joy, my happiness, is only a symptom, and not reality.
And ya know what? It freaking sucks! I really don’t complain much about my disorder, hey, it’s me, I deal with it and get on with life, right? Right.
But it’s always in the back of my mind that happiness, means hypo-mania. Hypo-mania means euphoric days, that may last for weeks, followed by the crash I mentioned earlier in the week.
While I’m not worried about the darkness and the spiral much anymore, I do worry about the crash. I recognize, that at the moment, I’m overloaded. I need a break.
I don’t want to crash. I don’t want to spend days on end in hiding in the attempt to balance what’s become unbalanced. I don’t want to always wonder if my happiness is tied to a defective gene.
I’m hyper vigilant in attempting to notice symptoms, anything out of the ordinary, that may signal I need to “re-arrange” things a bit.
The truth is that I’m scared. I’m scared to freaking death of letting this unintentional, inherited flaw control my life. I’m tired of always wondering if my joy is real or only a symptom. I feel I’m allowing it to win. That scares me.
It makes me afraid and I don’t like afraid.