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I Walk The Line

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Jakob and me today
It’s a fine line, and I don’t expect many people outside the circle of the Bipolar Club to understand it.

Today was an incredible day. The sun was shining, the moon roof was open, and I felt great as Lynyrd Skynyrd was filling the air around me. It was the kind of day people live for, cherish and truly enjoy.

I, however, walk the line. I walk the very fine line of being able to enjoy what others may realize is truly a great day, and wondering if my joy, my happiness, is only a symptom, and not reality.

And ya know what? It freaking sucks! I really don’t complain much about my disorder, hey, it’s me, I deal with it and get on with life, right? Right.

But it’s always in the back of my mind that happiness, means hypo-mania. Hypo-mania means euphoric days, that may last for weeks, followed by the crash I mentioned earlier in the week.

While I’m not worried about the darkness and the spiral much anymore, I do worry about the crash. I recognize, that at the moment, I’m overloaded. I need a break.

I don’t want to crash. I don’t want to spend days on end in hiding in the attempt to balance what’s become unbalanced. I don’t want to always wonder if my happiness is tied to a defective gene.

I’m hyper vigilant in attempting to notice symptoms, anything out of the ordinary, that may signal I need to “re-arrange” things a bit.

The truth is that I’m scared. I’m scared to freaking death of letting this unintentional, inherited flaw control my life. I’m tired of always wondering if my joy is real or only a symptom. I feel I’m allowing it to win. That scares me.  

 It makes me afraid and I don’t like afraid. 


19 comments:

Recovering Church Lady March 27, 2013 at 11:17 PM  

Please know that I am praying for you come high or come low and everything confusing thing in between. That is really rotten that you cannot just enjoy the joy without questioning it. The good feeling could be simply that it is spring and we all need the fresh air!
Love you and praying always,
Susie

The Bipolar Diva March 27, 2013 at 11:23 PM  

I can't thank you enough. ♥

The Bipolar Diva March 27, 2013 at 11:33 PM  

Ha! I'm nearly 51 and just noticed I have a dimple. No wonder my kids have them!

Rob-bear March 28, 2013 at 2:31 AM  

In the misty maze of uncertain emotions and intentions, there is a line. Finding it is one thing; choosing it is another; walking it is yet another.

There are lots of us who love you, and will help as we can, even if that means trying to pick you up if you crash. Though I hope you don't do that.

Blessings and Bear hugs!

Angelwithatwist March 28, 2013 at 7:17 AM  

You seriously just noticed your own dimple?? I saw it in the first pics I saw of you. Honey, as a mom with a bipolar I understand all too well. He has not come to the point yet he understands all of the things that come out of hypo manic episodes because he is 20 and has the world by the tail of course. So I worry too when I see it happening. I do have to say the arrival of Brody has done a lot to keep him from drifting to a dangerous edge..

Furry Bottoms March 28, 2013 at 7:37 AM  

LOL at your dimple comment.

I am wondering... this is a terrible analogy, but you know how sometimes people who drink too much, their true selves come out? They become a happy drunk or a mean one. Or a boring one. Whatever. Supposedly that was true, could it also apply to the euphoria? You ARE feeling happy, but because of your disorder it has been exacerbated to the maximum. Then when you crash, it goes so way deep in the opposite direction. So you're afraid to "trust" this happy feeling you're having because you know the inevitable will happen. Only you would know, but I would like to think that your high mania isn't just high mania with false happiness and joy. I would like to think you're naturally feeling happiness and joy and your disorder just magnifies it 10000 times? So you can know that good feeling is REAL. I wonder about that possibility sometimes.

Olivia McKenzie March 28, 2013 at 9:16 AM  

Thanks for sharing! As the spouse to someone who is still learning how to manage his bipolar symptoms (though he's been doing great), I know how desperately my husband just wants to be able to go about his day and not have to worry about cycling at all. It never occurred to me that good days could have those kinds of worries too, though it makes sense he might be second-guessing those feelings too. It took him a long time to recognize that the high highs and the crash were somehow associated.

At any rate, I hope you are able to enjoy the beginnings of Spring and be refreshed by them. I know I've felt an extra bounce in my step lately, for no other reasons than the little signs of things growing, the fresh scents, the subtle change in the weather.

YeamieWaffles March 28, 2013 at 9:51 AM  

I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling a little on edge and even worse, scared. Hopefully things get better soon, I know how frightening it can be to feel like you're toeing the line between survival and breakdown, just hang on tight!

The Bipolar Diva March 28, 2013 at 10:33 AM  

I think sometime the euphoria does allow me to really be my self, but so do the feelings of actual happiness. I just always wonder, not many understand that it's always a thought as to if it's real or not?

Andrea L March 28, 2013 at 4:20 PM  

Unfortunately I can't offer any advice, but I can send virtual hugs from someone who completely understands what you are saying, and is also going through a time that I am scared (my biggest fear is having to be hospitalized again so I hate when I feel things spiraling....)
Maybe one day we'll both be able to enjoy without wondering....

The Bipolar Diva March 28, 2013 at 7:01 PM  

Andrea, I'll thank them! Thank you. It's nice to know someone knows what I mean. I've never been hospitalized, but I can't even imagine.

KansasSunflower March 29, 2013 at 8:27 AM  

Oh my gosh! I totally hate when I have a great day, everything just feels so good, the weather is great, music sounds good, all is right in the world, and then I have to stop and think, "Wait a minute, is this TOO good? Am I hypomanic?" Why can't I just have a freaking good day without worrying if it's a problem? Sometimes...life is just good, you know? But reading your blog lately, yes, you might be hypomanic. You would know your own symptoms. : ) I was relating to you're having to wonder just because you feel good is it TOO good, blah. It's just so unfair that people with bipolar disorder aren't allowed to have a good day without worrying they are on the verge of some horrible meltdown!

The Bipolar Diva March 29, 2013 at 1:24 PM  

S, I think I'm on the way down from hypo mania for sure. I upped my lamictal by 50 mg and may up to to 200. But then again, maybe I just have been feeling good. I wish we didn't have to wonder. Oh well.

myinnerchick.com March 30, 2013 at 1:52 PM  

Diva,
savor all of the moments, the sun, the moon, L. Skynard, all the moments you have...

Let God worry about the rest.

Love to you, dear.

PS. what song were you playing? Xxxx

The Bipolar Diva March 30, 2013 at 3:28 PM  

What else? Sweet Home Alabama! :)

**** April **** March 30, 2013 at 3:43 PM  

You know, we have bi-polar diagnosed on both sides of my family... my grandfather was.

He didn't have the clarity that you do, but I don't suffer but still feel many of these VERY REAL wonderings that you do. I wonder how long my happiness will last when I'm experiencing a very good day...because there's always something it seems, for me anyway, that sends me spiraling into a pit of pissedoffedness (that's a word, right?)

Hugs....

Take lots of pictures on the good days...so you can thoroughly enjoy them and remember them!!!

The Bipolar Diva March 30, 2013 at 4:04 PM  

of course that's a word! :) I really like it!

Thanks April, yes pictures, memories, and enjoyment.

I just have it on my dad's side......long, long, line of it :(

Classic NYer April 1, 2013 at 2:11 PM  

Is it weird that I feel exactly the same way? I mean, I'm not bipolar as far as I know, but if I have too many good days in a row I start to get worried that I'm setting myself up for a terrible crash, and that makes it difficult to enjoy the good days while they're good even though I'm pretty sure that's what I should be doing with them...

Crystal Pennington April 9, 2013 at 10:28 AM  

Diva, that my friend is why I wear the Johnny Cash necklace everyday it is a guitar pic says walk the line. I'm like that everyday in this world with Bipolar and PTSD, keep writing you rock!

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